Parent due cancer surgery at the same time as my c section - WWYD?

[Wankpuffin]

First off, my relationship with my dad has always been very difficult. We have no other family at all - my mum died when I was a child (he never remarried or had a serious relationship as he enjoyed being on his own after being married for so long), I’m an only child, there are no other extended family members.

He is 86. I’ve always been expected to make him the centre of my world, I’ve had no career because of him and his guilt trips about having to see us (I had Dd when I was young), I’ve had to turn down so many opportunities with work/relocations as it was always “what about me?” and having to care for his various problems over the years. I lost my first marriage over his behaviour. I’m exhausted. I’m 40 and I’ve had no life.

He pretends he’s a lonely old man with no friends but that’s not the case - when he’s here he’s always slipping up. His phone is constantly ringing, a saved name/photo comes up and he quickly presses reject and does a whole long act about “I don’t know who that was, no one knows my number or bothers with me”. It’s not true. He obviously has people who call him and the charade that goes on and on of pretending to check his phone and saying there must be a fault with it is embarrassing.

Last year he was diagnosed with cancer. He had an operation, stayed with me for four weeks afterwards where I took care of him - I had to leave job when he was diagnosed as they wouldn’t let me take time off for his many hospital appointments and he needed full time care after the op. I ended up taking a shitty Part time night shift job so I’d be there for him during the days and take him to appointments.

Again when he was with me all I could hear was him on the phone constantly whispering to people that they couldn’t come and visit him until he was home, not to call when he was at my house. Then I’d get the lonely act again, how no one bothers with him, guilt trips all the time.

Anyway, he had a review and the cancer is back. He will need an operation.

They are talking the last week in August, that’s also the week where I am due to have my section. My section is high risk. I might die basically because of a complication (That couldn’t have been seen before another pregnancy), and my baby will probably need NICU help. With covid and two other children at home, it’s going to be a stressful time all round.

November last year we had to move 120 miles from my dad due to money issues. The first few months he made my life a living hell wanting to come and stay here at least three/four days a week. He’s a very difficult person, very negative and draining to have around and lockdown has been a blessing because we Haven’t seen him.

Now he’s assuming he will come and live here after his operation for weeks on end and I will take care of him. How I’m supposed to do that, even during the week of a straight forward section is beyond me. Dh will have enough going on with the other two children and if the worst happens, If I end up in ICU or the baby does, he will be run off his feet. He can’t take on looking after my dad as well - like I said my dad is very difficult and even during the best of times he’s hard work to have around.

My dad would never pay for care. He owns his own home but it’s not worth much at all and he wants his money to go to his grandchildren.

I just don’t know what to do and it’s giving me untold stress that I don’t need right now. He’s saying he might as well
Kill himself because I’ve abandoned him (he’s been threatening to kill himself for the past 30 years as part of his guilt trips, it’s an empty threat and he only says it to me and denies/laughs it off if I try to tell anyone else).

He’s even had the cancer nurse call me to tell me that I’m being unreasonable and that I’m all he has (although she obviously apologised when I told her I was due to give birth the same week).

I’m sorry for the long post, I’m just so worked up over it. I’m the terrible daughter who doesn’t care about him, even though I’ve spent my whole bloody life pandering to him.

I know I sound cold towards him but honestly, 30 odd years of this shit and never having my own life because of his guilt trips.

Oh OP, my dear, dear mother died of cancer in another country to me and it never once occurred to either of us that I should quit my job and care for her at home. She would have hated for me to put my dc's future at any risk or to give my life up for her. We could not have been closer.
I personally don't think I'd cross the road to help your dad but I can see you don't feel that way. Regular visits to him in a nursing home would be absolutely fine though.

You have a choice.

It's not a simple choice but it is very clear

Put your father first or put your husband and children first and your father goes into a home post op for post op care

The latter choice would mean that you will probably have little or no contact with your father again

Many might say that's a good thing

The former choice might mean you lose your husband .....and in addition , possibly your children's respect

Only you can decide

Ring social services where your dad lives OP and explain the situation to them. Tell them you will not be helping.

If your dad threatens to kill himself, that is his choice and there is nothing you can do. If he makes these threats, report it as a concern for welfare to the police where he lives. He will start realising that he will not get you by behaving this way.

If all else fails, block his number.

Your father is an arch manipulator isn’t he. Oh my dd doesn’t do this that and the other to his friends. Paints you as the bad guy?
Yanbu. There is no way you can look after him after your c section. Just say to him he needs to go in a nursing home for post op care and stick to it.
I am also a bit mad that the cancer nurse dared to phone and guilt trip you into taking care of him. But I bet she was manipulated.

Manipulative parents are hard work.
Good luck with your baby.

Dont give the opinion of anyone who is so feeble minded as to swallow the lies of people like him any mind.

I've known several women ovwr the decades left on their knees by blood sucking relatives. Im watching another go through it at the moment.

They always give themselves away if you actually listen so there's no excuse for the poisonous letters.

Nothing that you do will ever be enough, so you might as well do nothing as the end result will be the same.

You CANT provide this care - it's physically not an option for you. He will be ok - the friends will miraculously rally round and enjoy basking in their "goodness". And if they dont, the NHS and social care dont actually kick people out onto the street.

Good luck with the birth - try to make it and your family your whole world just now.

Your father is bloody awful and he’s manipulated you over the years, he’s got it down to a fine art and while I appreciate you have been conditioned you have let him do it. You’ve lost a DH and a job over it - isn’t it time you stopped?
You need to put yourself and your family first, who gives a shit if some person you don’t even know disapproves? If the friend who wrote to you is that bothered then they can look after him
You cannot look after him this time and your DH can’t either so make that very clear

It is clear from your posts that you are still very focused on what he thinks and says. I think that you urgently need to detach. Difficult as it is, you need to let go of caring so much. That's why I suggested the book, stately homes thread and counselling. You need to work on your own head. You can't change his behaviour, only how you feel about it and deal with it.

I don't think you are going to get what you need from this thread.

You are the only one who can say no. Noone can do it for you. You are not being unreasonable.

Tell him again soon, tell him repeatedly, and be blunt with it, tell him he's being stupid. If he makes out you are being uncaring, turn it around and ask him why he doesn't care about your well-being, repeat it's not possible and not happening.

But there's only you who can do it. I know it's hard, but do it soon. Get it over with.

The "good" news is you really are absolutely unable to accommodate him at that time and there is no way to negotiate around it.

You really need to assess your relationship with your father. It sounds completely tixic from what you've described. Please seek support from people who've been in similar positions on the relationships boards.

@Fatted

Ring social services where your dad lives OP and explain the situation to them. Tell them you will not be helping.

If your dad threatens to kill himself, that is his choice and there is nothing you can do. If he makes these threats, report it as a concern for welfare to the police where he lives. He will start realising that he will not get you by behaving this way.

If all else fails, block his number.

I agree with this. OP you have already given too much and are putting your current marriage in danger. Additionally you will NOT be able to look after your selfish, uncaring parent because you, yourself, will be in need of care - even more so if you and are baby are in NICU.

Tell his medical team again, if necessary, what your situations, and then block his number AND THEIRS both from your mobile and home landline.

You really do need to focus on your mental and physical health and the health of your baby. Do not let his selfish demands make you ill.

Also ask DH to open any letters you get subsequent to going (at least temporarily) No Contact (NC) so you don't get him or his cohorts or anyone else bombarding you when you are even less able to cope that you currently can.

Protect yourself and your family now. Time for his friends to step up if they are so keen to help him and/or for him to go into a post-op facility.

Let your DH deal with this on your behalf as much as possible as he is not in the FOG as far as your parent is concerned.

Take care of you OP. 🌹

OMFG. I am so sorry that you have been and are going through this.
We all make choices and mistakes and sometimes we just have to live with them.
However the mistakes you have made have been to pander constantly to this selfish man. You have given far too much of your time, your concern and your life to him. Now you have to make one of the most difficult choices of your life.

1. You give into his wants yet again. You put your life, your as yet unborn baby's life, marriage and your children on the line for him. You risk literally everything and could devastate your husband and children for him. Would he then help them ? I'm sorry but I think not. Choice 2) You tell him calmly that although you love him you have to put your children and your husband (who sounds like a treasure by the way) first. You can not look after him. Physically and mentally you will not be strong enough to do this. You must stand up to him and his carers if they contact you. How dare they, that is not their place. Personally I would put in a complaint but I'm a mardy cow with too much time on my hands. The hospital, his carers and his consultant all need to know that when he leaves hospital there will be no-one to care for him. Possibly give adult social care a call. Let them all know that there is no chance of you doing this and they will need to find alternative accommodation for him regardless of what he tells them. Please do not give in. Your lives could depend on it. Lecture over. If the neighbours send you horrible messages forward them to me and I will tell them to go away (sort of). Take care of you, your husband, your children and your soon to be new baby. Come back if you want to just rant at somebody. Best wishes 💐

Just keep telling his nurses/hospital you cannot do the care. They will sort something out locally.
You simply cannot physically do it.
Don't feel guilty.
You and your dc come first

Honestly I would flat out refuse to liaise with the hospital looking after him. Don't answer their calls. I mean I get that they are desperate but they always try to bully reluctant family members into providing care however inappropriate.

He sounds like a monster.

I looked after my DH after his big bowel operation. Obviously, I was glad to do it because I loved him but it's intense. He was not allowed to lift anything heavier than a kettle and there were painful injections into the stomach every day for weeks.

There is also the constant risk of infection - and you would be particularly vulnerable having just had a C-Section.

Your midwife/consultant is your friend here. Get them to write you a letter banning you from caring for your dad for 6 weeks. It will be something to wave in their faces when they try to pressure you.

The hospital will have to hold on to him until they out a care package in place.

He sounds absolutely outrageous and selfish beyond belief.

Of course you cannot look after him while he recovers, you will also be recovering from surgery.

I would continue to repeat that line to him, his hospital and his friends for every phone call. "I am not able to care for him when he recovers from surgery. I will be recovering from major abdominal surgery at the same time". And repeat.

If you are harassed by him or his friends, block them.

Thank you everyone.

It just helps to get it all out. There’s so much guilt on my behalf, and obviously I’ve not said half the things that have gone on over the years as it would have taken hours to type.

I felt terrible last year as when he was diagnosed with cancer I just felt relief. I thought that would be the end and I’d finally be free for the first time in my life.

But despite the cancer he’s in excellent health, he’s going to go on for years, you wouldn’t think he was in his 80s if you saw him, he’s not a frail old man at all.

He loves his grandkids but he’s pushing them away too now. When every time your grandparent calls and all they talk about is how miserable they are, how they wish they were dead, how no one cares it makes you pull away in the end. It really gets my eldest down especially even though she really does love him but even she is avoiding speaking to him now.

It’s just the manipulation I can’t stand. I hate it. I was so ill with hypermesis early on in this pregnancy, I couldn’t get out of bed and he was still laying on the guilt about coming to stay every week. It’s horrible, he does the whole “you know me, I just want to help” spiel while putting on an ‘old man’ shaky voice. I know it sounds like a small thing but it’s too much sometimes.

I’m so scared about August and having my section. I can’t tell you the stress I am under. I don’t need this on top.

He sounds absolutely outrageous and selfish beyond belief.

Of course you cannot look after him while he recovers, you will also be recovering from surgery.

I would continue to repeat that line to him, his hospital and his friends for every phone call. "I am not able to care for him when he recovers from surgery. I will be recovering from major abdominal surgery at the same time". And repeat.

If you are harassed by him or his friends, block them.

You need to stop concentrating on what he thinks, says to you, tells others etc. It’s really not your problem. If he announces he is coming over to stay at your just say that doesn’t work for you and you will let him know if the situation changes, take care, bye and put the phone down. Hell, even if he rocks up at the door just say the same ending with ‘it’s okay, I’ve called you a car’. If he threatens to kill himself say, okay, well that’s a shame, take care, bye. Basically stop engaging with his nonsense. It’s common sense you can’t care for him after giving birth or indeed at all with 3 young children to care for. If he genuinely can’t care for himself he will need to look into assisted living options.

The worst thing is this one friend he’s got. She’s not that much older than me and is constantly telling him how awful I am. To top it off, her mother has cancer so all I get is my dad telling me how she’s constantly in tears, always visiting her, is so worried etc etc. All with the underlying “and you don’t do that with me, you horrible person”. Again and again, just so he can point out how much better this person is than me.

All he talks about is how wonderful this friend of his is, how she’s like another daughter, how she’s the one taking him to appointments now I’m not there and I just want to scream FUCK OFF. She’s not lived the life with you that I have.

Dh won’t have any of it. When my dad talks about how wonderful this woman is all the time and Dh cuts him off right away by saying “oh well, she sounds lovely - she can help you out lots then”. That usually shuts him up for a bit.

You have to hold your ground on this one-it will Huet and be awful, but so will giving in. Can you research carers in his area and get it all set up, present him with a fait accompli And then ‘grey rock’ the emotional abuse that will follow?

@HoppingPavlova yes I know I need to disengage. But it feels so unfair to be slagged off when people have no idea of what my life has been like.

When he’s here he will literally sit with his diary open staring at DH and trying to get a date sorted for the next week to come down.

There’s been incidents of almost internet stalking too - checking out our/friends/Dh family social media to find out our movements, printing out photos of Dh if a friend ha put one up of a night out, constantly googling my name (I used to write some professional pieces for publications he finds them and prints them out, they are to do with mental health nursing and of no interest to anyone outside the field) - the list is endless. He’s somehow added my in-laws to find my friends and was commenting to Dh on their whereabouts etc. It sounds mental, I know.

I need to disengage from it.

But the guilt is overwhelming.

I just want to add another voice saying: You are not unreasonable and none of this is on you. You sound like a far better daughter than your father has deserved based on his awful behaviour.

Focus on your lovely family now. I second the poster who suggested speaking to your midwife - they will be able to support you

He keeps trying to catch Dh out as well on if he’s seen his parents. We live a lot closer to them since we moved, but since lockdown we’ve seen no one and continue to self isolate because of my pregnancy complications (also I’m terrified of catching covid and my baby being in NICU and having to be separated from her if I test positive).

He’s obsessed with the fact that we might be seeing Dh parents and not him. It’s a really unhealthy level of obsession. So now Dh avoids speaking to him because it’s so hard to cope with, he said it’s like the Spanish Inquisition.

Block his friend.

Lock down your social media.

Don't engage. Repeat that you are not able to look after him.

Fuck what other people think. He's destroyed your life and 1 marriage. He's taken enough from you. Don't let him steal your future.