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Original poster

How long do I leave it before telling DS?

139 replies

UltimateWednesday · 12/07/2020 17:36

DS pays a contribution for his keep and also covers the cost of insuring him to drive my car, which he has more or less free use of in the evenings, when I can use the other car.

He's paid fortnightly so we agreed he'd pay £x per fortnight. He seems to have set the standing order up weekly.

Obviously I am going to pay him back but it feels like this is a teaching moment about actually checking your bank account.

OP posts:
speakout · 12/07/2020 20:54

I love the suggestion I'm lacking in morals because I'd like my DS to learn from his mistake,

You sound controlling and authoritarian.

Littlemeadow123 · 12/07/2020 20:57

Unless he has a habit of being careless and nonchalent about these kinds of things, I would tell him about the mistake straight away. It seems mean not to.

Original poster
UltimateWednesday · 12/07/2020 20:57

Plus, please calm down, I said ages ago, I've already told him Grin

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 12/07/2020 20:59

I love the suggestion I'm lacking in morals because I'd like my DS to learn from his mistake

You know how you can help him learn from his mistake? You say “DS you’ve made a mistake, you’re paying me weekly instead of fortnightly.”

caringcarer · 12/07/2020 21:02

I would just tell him and repay any extra money he has paid but point out to him not everyone is as honest and loves him as much as his old Mum.

lunar1 · 12/07/2020 21:02

What on earth is wrong with you?

Have you actually told him, or just sent a cryptic message. I think this will teach him a very different lesson to be honest.

Moonshine160 · 12/07/2020 21:05

This is weird. OP, you sound a bit controlling. If it were my son, as soon as I realised I would say “You’ve set the standing order up for every week instead of two weeks so I owe you some money.” End of. No game playing, no weird ‘he needs to be taught a lesson’ stuff. Hmm

heartsonacake · 12/07/2020 21:07

@UltimateWednesday

Plus, please calm down, I said ages ago, I've already told him Grin
No, you haven’t told him. You’ve been sly and deliberately withheld the problem from him, so he doesn’t know what he’s looking for by the vague “check your account”.
SkinnyChicky · 12/07/2020 21:07

Just tell him FFS. Might be the first standing order hes set up. You are lucky to have a son that has happily agreed to pay his share.

opinionatedfreak · 12/07/2020 21:28

I think it's a good lesson. I'm constantly surprised at how few of my friend's/ colleagues check their bank accounts.

I also recently learnt an expensive lesson by not opening my credit card bill for a couple of months as I knew I had a "whole amount" direct debit set up. Except the DD had failed so I had a debit balance as was accruing late payment fees and interest.

Fortunately the card provider agreed to refund all of the charges as it was an issue at their end that caused my bank to refuse the payment.

Happymum12345 · 12/07/2020 21:35

Just tell him.

rayoflightboy · 12/07/2020 21:36

I bet if he underpaid you,you wouldnt play games.

BarbedBloom · 12/07/2020 21:37

Of course you should tell him. I can't believe you wouldn't

Progress2019 · 12/07/2020 21:55

I wouldn't have told him. My daughters are 21 and 19. The younger one is sensible with money, the other isn’t. Either way I would have set up a savings account (easy to do with my bank account. I have different pots for lots of things), named it Childs overpayments, and then just waited. As OP said, its a learning experience. Its not stealing or being devious, but a good lesson to learn about checking your bank balance. Obviously the child gets the money back as soon as they realise, and if they don’t i’d tell they when they came to buy a car of their own.

My friend always struggles with money, and has just realised that her and her husband have both been paying for netflix and amazon prime for two years. They also both bought the years subscription to disney plus. I want to avoid my children making stupid mistakes like that.

RLOU30 · 12/07/2020 21:56

Fraud? fgs, only if I don't give it back. In fact legally, I'd be quite within my right to offer to repay £1 per week (which I'm not going to do).

Oh okay that’s alright then your not weird any more Confused

Famousinlove · 12/07/2020 22:42

Are you the 8 passengers mum? I feel like she would do something like that yo teach her kids a lesson

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/07/2020 22:48

As OP said, its a learning experience. Its not stealing or being devious, but a good lesson to learn about checking your bank balance

So how is saying to him "Your payment is coming out weekly not fortnightly, you need to check and sort it as either you or the bank have made a mistake" not a lesson?

I know OP has said he has plenty of money, but what if he doesn't? What if he goes overdrawn and gets charges etc? Is that worth the "lesson"? A lesson he can easily learn without being tricked, or lied to and actually just treated like the adult he is?

OhYeahYouSuck · 12/07/2020 22:58

What a shit way to treat an error.

How about act like an adult and say "DS, you've mistakenly set up the SO for weekly rather than fortnightly so you need to change that."

Then move on. What a non existent issue.

Smallsteps88 · 12/07/2020 23:14

My 11yo went to the shop last week with his own money and I gave him some to get bread and milk too. When he came back he gave me all the change which meant I had some of his change too. I said “oh, here you go, you gave me your change too.” And gave it back to him. And he’s nowhere near an adult. I don’t know what has to be wrong in the mind of a parent who decides to keep hold of the money to teach their adult child a lesson.

00100001 · 13/07/2020 07:14

@Progress2019

I wouldn't have told him. My daughters are 21 and 19. The younger one is sensible with money, the other isn’t. Either way I would have set up a savings account (easy to do with my bank account. I have different pots for lots of things), named it Childs overpayments, and then just waited. As OP said, its a learning experience. Its not stealing or being devious, but a good lesson to learn about checking your bank balance. Obviously the child gets the money back as soon as they realise, and if they don’t i’d tell they when they came to buy a car of their own.

My friend always struggles with money, and has just realised that her and her husband have both been paying for netflix and amazon prime for two years. They also both bought the years subscription to disney plus. I want to avoid my children making stupid mistakes like that.

But what if they never realise?

How long do you leave it? A month? A year?

Original poster
UltimateWednesday · 13/07/2020 07:24

What if he doesn't? But he does, so that's irrelevant.

I've messaged him and suggested he checks the account with a hint of what the issue is. I'll talk to him when I see him tonight. I can't do anything about it while he's at work.

I only spotted it myself this weekend and I haven't seen him, as he's been working shifts or sleeping.

I do think people are getting over excited about me "keeping hold of" money he doesn't need and hasn't missed and which I have no intention of keeping. This is the second error he's made with this standing order and yes, he does need more than "telling" to learn the lesson that he needs to check and double check these things.

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 13/07/2020 08:54

@rayoflightboy

I bet if he underpaid you,you wouldnt play games.

haha brilliant

Cheeseandwin5 · 13/07/2020 09:05

Have you ever thought that the lesson you are teaching him is to be unfair and dishonest, even to those close to you?

YgritteSnow · 13/07/2020 09:12

You sound incredibly annoying. If you were my parent I would be really irritated by this and wonder why you were being such an idiot. It certainly wouldn't make me feel grateful or positive towards you.

taybert · 13/07/2020 09:18

If you tell him, he still learns. If you told him, then said “don’t worry, I’ll manage all your money from now on” then sorted out his bank account and payments, that would be not learning. Or if you tell him and he doesn’t put it right then you shouldn’t keep on at him until he does. But if you just tell him and he sorts it out then he’s alert next time he sets up a payment, then the learning still happens.

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