How long do I leave it before telling DS?

[UltimateWednesday]

DS pays a contribution for his keep and also covers the cost of insuring him to drive my car, which he has more or less free use of in the evenings, when I can use the other car.

He's paid fortnightly so we agreed he'd pay £x per fortnight. He seems to have set the standing order up weekly.

Obviously I am going to pay him back but it feels like this is a teaching moment about actually checking your bank account.

It seems really strange to me to not tell him. I'd be worried that it would cause him to go into an unarranged overdraft and get bank charges. I think it might be a bit patronising to try to do teachable moments for an adult who has made a small error. If I were him I would appreciate my mum telling me.

Tell him now. I don't see why you wouldn't treat him as you would any other adult.

You should tell him immediately. Don't you think you are stealing your child's money? I certainly would.

How long ago did it happen? If it was a few weeks/months ago then he is already a fair bit out of pocket so telling him now seems fairer as he will learn the lesson from money lost so far. If he set it up a week or so ago, I would give him a month to realise and if he doesn't, point it out and explain how easily it could have gone on for months and lost him alot of money.

He's 19. I'd tell him immediately. As PPs have said, you wouldn't ignore it if it were another adult in your life. I'd have lost a lot of respect for my parents if they'd done this. If you wait until he notices, he may think you were planning to keep the money.

If you don't tell him, he'll wonder if you would have told him.

Tell him - it's still a lesson. It's also his money. He's an adult, paying his keep. The money isn't yours to teach him with.

Surely it's stealing once you realise and don't tell him? Not your money to keep hold of.

I would be interested to know what he will think when he realises you took twice the amount and didn't tell him.
What if he honestly thinks that he should be paying that amount rather than the agreed amount- than he wont say anything.
Yes you need to get him to check his account and you can do that by setting up a spreadsheet or similar but I am not sure that showing that he cant trust his parents is the way to do it.

I'd say "DS can you check your bank account, there's an error with keep"

Then you've pointed out theres a problem and he can work it out himself?

Just tell him ffs.

You’re being dishonest and manipulative to keep keep his money from him to “teach him a lesson”. My MIL did a similar thing at the start of my marriage over ten years ago and it still irks me. Patronising and dishonest. He has been really mature coming to this agreement with you and setting up a standing order. Just tell him ffs.

I would leave it until he notices or mentions being skint and then he can have it back in one go and it’s like savings for him! That way he will be more careful in future, and it will be a nice surprise for him!

Why wouldn't you just tell him. Perhaps you need a lesson in respect and honesty

It's so petty! So he made a mistake, christ we all balls up sometimes. Doesn't mean you have to make some sort of passive aggressive point about it.

Tell him straight away. If it was in reverse and you had set up something incorrectly I am sure you would expect them to tell you

You tell him now and give him the extra money he has paid back. What a strange thread. Everyone on MN is always so adamant that no one should ever tell lies, or keep things that don't belong to them, to the point I've seen people say if you find a tenner in the street, it should be handed into the police, because it doesn't belong to you.

Tell him straight away - the “learning moment” is honesty

Why play games?! Just tell him.

Tell him. It's still an opportunity to learn but without manipulation. He might have set another one up wrong to someone else and he'd not be thanking you if you didn't tell him so there was a teachable moment.

tell him right away, before the payments overdraw his account.

I say wait and see when he notices and then surprise him with the savings. I always remember a friend of mine who's parents charged her rent when she started earning and then gave it all back to her when she bought her first house to help with the deposit. I thought that was very cool.

Ridiculous game playing.

What a weird thing to do, have you never made a simple error?

You sound like you're revelling in his mistake, bizarre parenting imo, surely a normal person would just say, hey, you've set your standing order up wrongly, you need to change to fortnightly.

I can't actually believe you're asking a bunch of strangers and I think it's beyond mean that you don't tell him! Have you never made a mistake?! I know I have!

Christ, it's a mistake, and an easy one to make if you haven't set up standing orders before.
As if people think this is a good way to learn a lesson.
Just tell him.

Why on earth do people make such a big deal out of such a small thing