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Original poster

How long do I leave it before telling DS?

139 replies

UltimateWednesday · 12/07/2020 17:36

DS pays a contribution for his keep and also covers the cost of insuring him to drive my car, which he has more or less free use of in the evenings, when I can use the other car.

He's paid fortnightly so we agreed he'd pay £x per fortnight. He seems to have set the standing order up weekly.

Obviously I am going to pay him back but it feels like this is a teaching moment about actually checking your bank account.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 12/07/2020 20:10

Of course tell him now so he can change it ASAP. Why would you leave it?

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/07/2020 20:11

of course you should tell him straight away, don't you like him?

It's still a learning moment whether you tell him or he notices. if he doesn't notice for ages and you've not said, he'll just think you aren't checking your accounts or that you were happy to dishonestly take double money from him.

Smallsteps88 · 12/07/2020 20:12

Shock at some of these responses. “Tell him there’s a mistake but don’t tell him what” Hmm

He’s an adult man not a dog you’re trying to find out the intelligence of!

SoulofanAggron · 12/07/2020 20:12

Anyone can cock up and things go wrong, the person at the other end (especially friends/family) tells them so they can fix it.

My OH and I have had a recent run of people of who have been incapable of taking responsibility for their own errors

@Aldidl This isn't what DS would presumably do though. He'd just go 'oh woops, I cocked up' and fix. And the only negative consequences of this error are for him, no-one else.

Original poster
UltimateWednesday · 12/07/2020 20:12

It will make no difference to him if I tell him now or later, except that the sum overpaid will be more shocking and therefore a more valuable lesson. If he was over paying anyone else without checking, how long do you reckon before they'd tell him?

OP posts:
SirGawain · 12/07/2020 20:13

@Rebelwithallthecause

Why pay him back?
Glad you’re not a member of my family. That is theft!
UnaCorda · 12/07/2020 20:14

I don't see why you wouldn't treat him as you would any other adult.

How many people really treat their son or daughter like "any other adult"?

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/07/2020 20:15

@UltimateWednesday

It will make no difference to him if I tell him now or later, except that the sum overpaid will be more shocking and therefore a more valuable lesson. If he was over paying anyone else without checking, how long do you reckon before they'd tell him?
Well, it does make a difference whether you tell him now or later because you know now and could easily tell him, anything else is deception and he's an adult and your son. It's still a lesson whether he finds it himself or not.
Crownduals · 12/07/2020 20:17

@Longtalljosie

What? No, just tell him - as you’d do any other adult. The error may well be the bank’s.
This,. It seems quite sneaky to do otherwise
WaxOnFeckOff · 12/07/2020 20:19

@UnaCorda

I don't see why you wouldn't treat him as you would any other adult.

How many people really treat their son or daughter like "any other adult"?

I treat them like any other adult from the point of view of doing them the same favours I'd do for a friend or pointing out a mistake if I saw it, expecting them to do their share around the house etc. I don't treat them like any other adult from the point of loving them more than the average adult.

There are posters on here that wouldn't give their young adult a lift as they shouldn't expect them to be a chauffeur but if a local friend asked for a lift, they wouldn't hesitate.

Children are people too.

00100001 · 12/07/2020 20:30

I'd ask him to double check on his end, by saying it seems to be coming through weekly - and he should check his account hasnt been tampered with etc.

4amWitchingHour · 12/07/2020 20:36

Telling him explicitly straight away will mean he'll remember to check his account in future too. Genuinely don't understand why you are being cryptic about it - the lesson will be learnt either way, with one way being a lot more respectful.

speakout · 12/07/2020 20:36

Pretty mean to not point out his miastake.

strawberrypip · 12/07/2020 20:40

@UltimateWednesday but you are his mother not anyone else...you are supposed to help make his life easier surely. what you were thinking of doing is genuinely nasty and truthfully, if you are like this in other areas of your parenting and your relationship with your son, I would be incredibly wary of you. I probably wouldn't trust you very much at all. you come across as goady, smug and unpleasant.

speakout · 12/07/2020 20:40

teaching him a lesson is a horrible attitude

Your adult children do best with guidance, knowing they have someone thay can trust to help navigate the world of bank accounts/finance/deposits etc.
My kids come to me for advice because they know that can trust me- and I won't play stupid point scoring games.

SilentAndQuietLight · 12/07/2020 20:40

Sounds like you're enjoying the extra money coming in, OP. FWIW if I was the child in your situation, I'd just pause the payments until I'd balanced out the excess, none of these power plays with potentially refunding or potentially not.

Weird thought process on your part. Truly odd. I would have told my child (as I would tell anyone else, because I'm honest).

speakout · 12/07/2020 20:41

..you are supposed to help make his life easier surely. what you were thinking of doing is genuinely nasty and truthfully, if you are like this in other areas of your parenting and your relationship with your son, I would be incredibly wary of you. I probably wouldn't trust you very much at all. you come across as goady, smug and unpleasant.

Totally agree.

00100001 · 12/07/2020 20:44

@UltimateWednesday

It will make no difference to him if I tell him now or later, except that the sum overpaid will be more shocking and therefore a more valuable lesson. If he was over paying anyone else without checking, how long do you reckon before they'd tell him?
but isn;t that what parents are for, to guide their kids when they make mistakes? Confused

just tell him, it will be enough to make him check next time he sets one up. and if you really want to "send them message home" you can go on to him about how he's lucky it was you and not EvilCompany taking his money etc.

notthemum · 12/07/2020 20:44

Sorry, what do you mean you've said he won't have an overdraft ?
I can't believe that you didn't tell him straight away. Also other PPs are right, you have taken this money under false pretenses. That is fraud. Don't be surprised when he doesn't involve you in things in the future as the main thing that you will have taught him is that you are dishonest and can't be trusted.

00100001 · 12/07/2020 20:45

and also, what if he is already over paying someone else?
by you flagging up your over payment, he can double check all his outgoings...

Smallsteps88 · 12/07/2020 20:46

@UltimateWednesday

It will make no difference to him if I tell him now or later, except that the sum overpaid will be more shocking and therefore a more valuable lesson. If he was over paying anyone else without checking, how long do you reckon before they'd tell him?
It’s not your money to decide when he gets to have it back!! It’s his money sitting in your account. You have no right to decide how long it sits there or wait until there is more of it.

If he was over paying anyone else without checking, how long do you reckon before they'd tell him?

Umm most people don’t have your morals- they would tell him straight away.

00100001 · 12/07/2020 20:47

@UltimateWednesday

It will make no difference to him if I tell him now or later, except that the sum overpaid will be more shocking and therefore a more valuable lesson. If he was over paying anyone else without checking, how long do you reckon before they'd tell him?
to be fair, i had a call from the RAC about 4 years aftyer I cancelled with them. they noticed they took an additional annual payment (that i hadn't noticed) and they paid it back!
00100001 · 12/07/2020 20:51

@UltimateWednesday

It will make no difference to him if I tell him now or later, except that the sum overpaid will be more shocking and therefore a more valuable lesson. If he was over paying anyone else without checking, how long do you reckon before they'd tell him?
Have you never ever ever ever made a mistake in your life?

never ever ever?

Original poster
UltimateWednesday · 12/07/2020 20:52

I said he has a substantial balance as a result of lockdown, he won't go overdrawn as a result of this error.

I love the suggestion I'm lacking in morals because I'd like my DS to learn from his mistake, despite the fact that he'll get all his money back and it won't cost him anything.

I don't think you help your kids my making everything easy and doing everything for them.

Fraud? fgs, only if I don't give it back. In fact legally, I'd be quite within my right to offer to repay £1 per week (which I'm not going to do).

OP posts:
Original poster
UltimateWednesday · 12/07/2020 20:53

Of course I've made mistakes and I've learned from them, as I hope he will.

OP posts: