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Original poster

How long do I leave it before telling DS?

139 replies

UltimateWednesday · 12/07/2020 17:36

DS pays a contribution for his keep and also covers the cost of insuring him to drive my car, which he has more or less free use of in the evenings, when I can use the other car.

He's paid fortnightly so we agreed he'd pay £x per fortnight. He seems to have set the standing order up weekly.

Obviously I am going to pay him back but it feels like this is a teaching moment about actually checking your bank account.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 12/07/2020 19:06

If you wait until he is skint, which he might not even tell,you about, he might miss out in buying something he needs.

You are odd.

xmummy2princesx · 12/07/2020 19:07

Tell him! He made a mistake!

strawberrypip · 12/07/2020 19:08

why would you not tell him? I dont think this is on at all - the lesson is learnt afterwards. I'm sure in future he will make sure he doesnt accidentally do this again. I wouldnt do this to my daughter, seems quite manipulating and nasty actually.

wanderings · 12/07/2020 19:11

Don't you think he'll feel cheated if you deliberately decide not to tell him at once? At that age, I would have been really angry if my parents had lied by omission like that, to teach me a lesson. How about instead pointing it out, but saying that it is vital to double-check things like that, because other people might be less honest.

Juiceey · 12/07/2020 19:12

What ridiculousness is this. It's a mistake, tell him.

littlenickyy61 · 12/07/2020 19:13

Id be concerned that he may have set up other direct debits/standing orders incorrectly and that may be harder to fix. Just tell him that there is a mistake ( either by him or his bank ) and that you will give it back to him.

Evelefteden · 12/07/2020 19:14

Way to go to destroying your sons trust in you!

How do you know he won’t realise and think you’ve been stealing from him. Are you going to play dumb in which he will tell you to take your own advice or are you going to say ‘HA! I wanted to teach you an important lesson!’

In which I think he has got every right to think your an arse.

Weird. This is not a positive learning method. Confused

It reminds me of asking my mum if the glass on the fire place was hot, she told me to touch it and see. I burnt my finger, I was only five.

Doggodogington · 12/07/2020 19:15

How odd that you wouldn’t tell him straight away, not everything has to be a lesson.

iklboo · 12/07/2020 19:15

You'd quite like him to work it out for himself? So you can look all smug about how clever you've been? Not on OP.

Stoic123 · 12/07/2020 19:19

Tell him now. Treat him like the adult he is.

daisyjgrey · 12/07/2020 19:27

If you'd set something up to pay him fortnightly and because you weren't very tech savvy or weren't very confident about dealing with online banking, you got it wrong and paid him fortnightly, how would you feel if he waited until you noticed as a 'teaching moment'?

People have some really baffling ideas when it comes to parenting. He's an adult and your son, don't be a dick.

daisyjgrey · 12/07/2020 19:28

@iklboo

You'd quite like him to work it out for himself? So you can look all smug about how clever you've been? Not on OP.
Exactly. Will the OP do some kind of victory dance or settle for a smug nod? People Hmm
molifly14 · 12/07/2020 19:29

I feel like not telling him is dishonest

whereistherum · 12/07/2020 19:32

A different slant on this.

I pay my rent weekly, it comes out of my bank account. Due to a change in circumstances apparently I was also getting housing benefit, this was paid directly to my landlord.

Landlord didn't feel the need to mention it and I didn't check my account with them, when I eventually did I had £2k overage.

The HB letter either didn't get sent out or I didn't receive it, it was lovely to get the 2K paid back to me but I was really pissed off that the landlord didn't let me know, because we were skint and doing everything possible to make sure that the rent was being paid on time, including missing out meals, my partner walking the 8 miles to work and then the 8 miles back, not putting on the heating and just using a shit ton of blankets because we couldn't afford the gas (winter time) we cut everything we could down and it turns out we didn't need to.

If I had checked, we wouldn't have needed to do this, so you are right it was a learning curve, but if the landlord had been honest with me and said umm, we are receiving x amount from the council and you are still paying me the same amount then we wouldn't have to go through it added to this, HB has now been reduced, I got the HB letter on Tuesday, but I already knew about it because the landlord had phoned me on Monday to let me know they were having to change the DD

Chaaaaaching · 12/07/2020 19:34

Just tell him, it’s an easy mistake to make. I don’t know why you wouldn’t tell him straight away Hmm

wildcherries · 12/07/2020 19:35

iklboo has it. Why play these games? Just tell him.

Jux · 12/07/2020 19:39

Do you really want your child to learn that it's OK to hoard other people's money when they make an error?

Be as honest about money with him as you would be with any other adult.

Regretsandregrets · 12/07/2020 19:42

So, if he had set it up monthly instead of the agreed fortnightly would you have waited for him to discover the mistake by himself??

WandaApplebaum · 12/07/2020 19:43

That seems quite mean that you’re keeping this from him. He made a mistake, let him know.

Northernparent68 · 12/07/2020 19:45

Not to tell him would be to play games, be careful your son does nt respond in kind

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 12/07/2020 19:47

Not cool op, have you never made a mistake?
You tell him now.

Pogmella · 12/07/2020 19:52

Are you going to pay any overdraft charges and help him with his credit rating if he goes into the red?

Bringonspring · 12/07/2020 19:55

Seems super odd. Are you jealous?

Original poster
UltimateWednesday · 12/07/2020 19:56

He's at work atm. I've sent a message suggesting he checks his account.

I've said he wont have an overdraft and I'm really not going to leave it indefinitely.

If he'd set it up too infrequently I'd have noticed.....because I check my account, like he needs to learn to do.

OP posts:
Aldidl · 12/07/2020 20:04

Going a bit against the majority here... if you’re raising your DC to learn to own their mistakes, then that’s really not a bad thing.

My OH and I have had a recent run of people of who have been incapable of taking responsibility for their own errors and been in the firing line of people trying desperately to find reasons why someone else is to blame.

It has reminded me of going to university (a long time ago now...) and being shocked at how much my peers expected other people to do for them.

Your DC will be paid back and they’ll learn from their mistake. I don’t see the harm.