How can I possible keep going living this lie

[cantkeepgoing]

I've got an almost 4 year old who is a dreadful sleeper......tried everything so please don't advise me on trying something.....

My question is this. How do I keep going? I so badly want out? I so wish I'd not had him. I hate being a mum. I'm so angry and resentful of this life. I just want to leave

[quote cantkeepgoing]@GruntBaby what was the name of the antihistamine please?[/quote]
Please be careful with antihistamines, they can cause the opposite to happen.

Dd (11 and autistic) doesn't sleep unless medicated, and dr suggested antihistamines, she was a nightmare as they hyped her up.

Have contacted my psych nurse this am ......he's off for 2 weeks........I'll try again on his return......I can hang on

I've been crying virtually constantly for the last 48 hours. I almost assaulted a dad in the queue at drop off as lots of people seem to know I'm the mum of the kid who doesn't sleep.

I don't tell many people as I can't be fucked with their response.......most times ,like the dad this morning, they find it hilarious which in turn makes me cry that folk think that's an ok response

Are you sure that waiting is a good idea? Two weeks is a long time when you feel this way.

I've felt like this for years a few weeks is doable

You feel like if you had 2 days and nights away you wouldn't go back. I understand how you feel that way but at the end of the time away you will have had some thoughts and feelings which are different to the ones you're having now.

Lockdown with 2 under 3 almost drove me to a breakdown, I ended up locking myself upstairs and DH had to book a week off while I basically lay in a darkened room with white noise and was semi catatonic except for using the bathroom. I am now ok and not hallucinating, having rage attacks, in danger of hitting DC etc.

Taking a complete break is not wrong.

Massive unmumsnetty hugs

Do you have anyone you could stay with regularly while you get on top of the sleep? Like 2 says a week, then you would know you have some regular respite?
I've been at the point where I was desparate for someone to put me in a coma for a week just so I could get some rest. It's better now but I've gone to bed at 8.30 for 4 years!

Re: antihistamines.

Check the age carefully - we started with one and then moved onto cetirizine. I think we started with chlorpheniramine, which is sedating, because DS was too young for cetirizine, then were able to quickly switch to cetirizine, which is non-sedating. Vaguely remember having it prescribed because we were using it at a younger age than it was licensed for, so do check with doctor/pharmacist. If postnasal drip is the problem, or allergies, then a steroid nasal spray can also help.

Also yes, AHs make a very few kids temporarily hyper. Tried on DD once and she went hyper, which made for an awful plane journey; tried the same on DS and opposite effect. It's an unusual reaction, but it does happen. If it does, try a different AH (look for generic drug name to be different).

One other possible downside is that AH can cause nighttime bed-wetting, I can't remember why but think it's something to do with blocking the signal to the brain about having a full bladder. Whilst they're in nappies that's obviously not an issue., but it can (rarely) delay being dry at night.

Might be off centre suggestion but have you health insurance? Would it pay for something like the priory so you could both rest and access therapeutic input. The difficulty I’m hearing (reading?) is not just lack of sleep , it’s the bonding and all the complex feelings going with that. You need some sensitive professionals to work with you to work out what you need and how to achieve that. It’s hard to trust what you feel when you’re so sleep deprived.
💐

Sitting in a lay-by after he's finally sleeping......it's 10am now, he's been up since 0230.......thanks for replying. I wish I had a few of you in RL. This isn't the thing you can share really is it with real people as they'd not have an answer and I know for a fact that it's change the dynamics massively as people would just avoid me
I want to wait to see my psych nurse. He gets me and I feel he's been there as his son didn't sleep through until 5.
I agree though that this isn't just sleep. I've never really bonded with him , I've never had the rush of love. It's really really sad when I see it written down. I never ever thought that I'd be in this nightmare. I'm such a loving person, and really good with kids. Fuck, what a fucking mess

Is he at school? If he's 4 and not at school I presume he'll be starting in September.
You'll be able to sleep in the day while he's not around, so that should help.
What is your partner doing? Doesn't he get up to DS at night? If you don't want a night in a hotel, what about a rota, where you sleep in another room/downstairs with earplugs and partner looks after your child?

Not at school until next year. He's pretty much in nursery full time during the week....

Same difference. Can you sleep while he's in nursery?

It's not possible to catch up on sleep due to working and no spare room ..........

Can you get signed off sick for a couple of weeks and sleep while he's at nursery? Sleep is not a luxury, it's essential. Think about sleep as medication that will help you. Sod everything else, do the bare minimum and rest.

I know that putting yourself first after looking after everyone else feels really selfish to begin with, but it definitely gets easier with practice!

I do not have anything helpful to say, but bloody hell have these .

This isn't going to mean a lot to you now, but as a mother of a child who didn't sleep properly for a very long time, it DOES get better.

I was in your position in that I wanted to leave and forget about it all, but now that my DS is 8, I am so pleased I waited it out. Things changed for the better when he started going to nursery/reception.

I sincerely hope you get the help and advice you need. Well done for getting this far.

Take some days off.
Or earplugs at night and let your partner get up to DS occasionally.

My partner does more than his fair share.....(There's no way I'd have got this far without him)even with ear plugs in etc if you're next door you can sadly hear everything!
That's also why I'm trying to keep a lid on things too for his sake as he's at fucking breaking point too......
We've no grandparents etc to "help". We have no option but to just keep going......
I daydream about leaving and have an awful thought if I killed myself then everyone would say I was a coward but if I died (not from suicide) then I could escape from this.....
If I was a man, I 100% would've walked. My partner is amazing . I don't think we as a couple will survive this, but he's totally given his all

I would investigate paying for overnight care! For him to sleep elsewhere regularly and build a relationship with them.

Sending all my love. I had pnd and once that was sorted I felt much better, it really does mess with your head. Please book a few nights away to have a break and get some perspective. Being a parent is hard, you aren't the first and won't be the last to feel the way you do.

I've been where you are with my oldest DS now 23 the first time he slept through I was 7 months pregnant with DS now 21 and I was so ill I couldn't sleep,my oldest didn't sleep through till he was 5.

I would honestly take some time of work if I was you,lack of sleep can make you not only mentally and emotionally ill but also very physically ill.

Just because you become a Mother it doesn't mean you mean any less or that the way your feeling is any less important!

It's brilliant that your DH is so good,please speak to him about you taking some time off to get some much needed and much deserved sleep.

My son has severe autism and didn't sleep at this age it would take hours to get him to.sleep and he would wake through the night ,he was prescribed Melatonin and whilst it works for a lot of children ,unfortunately it didn't work for my son (although obviously worth a try) i also think it has to be prescribed by a paediatrician?I might be wrong but I think a paediatrician has to initially prescribe it and than the GP can prescribe on repeat?This was something my son grew out of though and now sleeps very well.

Sending huge hugs to you. Most parents don’t understand what this level of sleep deprivation is like. I do - my twins are nearly 4, both autistic and terrible sleepers. We are waiting on a referral to a sleep clinic. Paediatrician won’t give us any medication until he’s been to the sleep clinic.

We are limited in what we can do as we don’t have a spare bedroom and even if we did you can’t sleep through the noise they make. Things have improved slightly recently only because we’ve got safe beds on loan from a charity so they can’t hurt themselves when they’re awake.

I understand why you feel so low but please remember that you are enduring something used as torture because it destroys people very quickly. The way we feel cannot be separated from the lack of sleep. They’re completely intertwined.

I know you’re scared that if you have a night away you won’t go back but I don’t think that’s the case and honestly I would cross that bridge when you come to it. I’ve never had a night away from them, DH bought me a voucher for a spa break for Christmas but then COVID happened so haven’t been yet but it’s helpful to know I will be able to.

I find that when they used to go to nursery i would be exhausted but couldn’t sleep because my body has just gone into alert mode all of the time. I take Phenergan (bought OTC) to help me sleep sometimes.

Also, Phenergan liquid isn’t licensed for this use in the U.K. but we have used it with our GP’s agreement - again I bought it OTC (from an online pharmacy). We bought it when they had chicken pox and could not sleep and were screaming, GP the encouraged us to use it. Only gave half the dose and it did help. So I would definitely speak to the GP / paediatrician again about any other options. If it’s been a while since you went to the sleep clinic, ask for a review.

Have they checked for any underlying issues with him? One of our twins is so bad because he has obstructive sleep apnoea and his o2 levels crash a few times every hour.

Sending hugs to you. If you have to, book a hotel room and go and sleep in it while he’s at nursery. Do whatever you have to do. It’s no surprise you’re struggling with bonding when you feel that they are torturing you. I didn’t bond with my boys when they were born either - they went straight to nicu and I barely got to hold them. Then I was quite unwell with PND for a long time. But I can say that when I’ve been able to grab some sleep for a few hours in the day or whenever my outlook is so different.

I daydream about leaving and have an awful thought if I killed myself then everyone would say I was a coward but if I died (not from suicide) then I could escape from this.....
If I was a man, I 100% would've walked. My partner is amazing . I don't think we as a couple will survive this, but he's totally given his all

It sounds as if you're having it harder than most, but most parents do, to a greater or lesser degree, go through what you're going through now.

When I went back to work I used to go and sit on the toilet to catch 5 mins several times a day, because it was cool and dark in there, and pretty peaceful. Our child minder reported us to the health visitor because she was worried about us! DC2 just would not sleep. DC1 was pretty good (and amazingly, thank God, slept through when DC2 cried, even though they shared a room from early on).

DH and I used to have some horrendous arguments in the middle of the night about whose turn it was to get up and see to the baby - we were really horrible to each other. But we lived through it, and you will too. The saying "this too shall pass" is true, though it's hard to believe it when you're in the middle of a prolonged period of sleep deprivation. But it will, and you'll find it much easier to bond with your DS as he gets older. Hang in there! We all feel for you.

I have nothing to suggest I'm afraid but I want to tell you you're not alone.

I have an 11 year old with additional needs who has always been a rubbish sleeper. Things have improved in that he needs less input from us now he's a little older, but it's still hard. Last night he went to sleep at about midnight, after spending three hours wandering around the house asking us 'important' questions.

I have a 7 year old who is even worse. We (usually me) spend several hours every night in her bed waiting for her to sleep. Most nights she then wakes when we try to leave and we have to start again. She also comes in to our bed during the night most nights.

OH and I get very little time together. It's incredibly frustrating. I find myself wishing away the years, because when they leave home we might be able to have a full uninterrupted conversation!

I have wanted to leave many times. Even when OH has been at work I've been close to walking out and leaving the kids alone. In the past I've had to sit in the car/ in the garden/ go for a drive (only when OH was home!)

I really hope things improve for you.

I know this isn't what you're here for but if you think the sleep is a psychological thing then you could try something called bedtime tokens / bedtime passes. Start with a fanning meeting, draw up some sleep rules, get your child to suggest and draw them to give them some ownership. Then make loads of tokens together. I mean loads. Choose a reward, we used playmobil, I bought a camping set and split it all up, put the names of all the bits in a pot. If the child gets up or calls you in then that's absolutely fine and allowed, but costs 1 token. If there are tokens left in the morning, the child gets a reward. The first few nights the child needs to succeed so you need more tokens than they will use. Put them in a pot by their bed. My Dd used more than 30 the first night. When they're in the swing of it, start to gradually reduce the number of tokens. It took us a few weeks to get down to 6. Dd started to fail a few times and had to try. We got stuck at this level a while. Eventually we got down to 3 and at some point the system was gradually forgotten. 30+ down to 1 or 2 was a lot bloody better.