How can I possible keep going living this lie

[cantkeepgoing]

I've got an almost 4 year old who is a dreadful sleeper......tried everything so please don't advise me on trying something.....

My question is this. How do I keep going? I so badly want out? I so wish I'd not had him. I hate being a mum. I'm so angry and resentful of this life. I just want to leave

Don’t worry, you’re not alone! My first son was like this, still goes through stages of waking at least twice a night. He’s just turned six, but he was like your son at 4yrs. I felt angry, & broken, but looking back at it I can see clearly now that it was all down to sleep deprivation. It’s truly horrid; but he will get better and better at sleeping as he gets older. This too shall pass x And, by the way, it’s also ok to occasionally admit you dislike motherhood! It’s not roses round the door all the time!

Be a bit kinder to yourself, your little boy sounds like he loves you dearly & there’s no doubt you love him too, even though you might not always feel it.

Honestly, it will be ok.

@Eddielzzard we've got another year to go until school........many people on here have said that school was a big changing point sleep wise

@cantkeepgoing I think you've mixed me up with another poster, as I haven't been critical of you at all.

@Somethingorotherorother agree

Can you leave?

I would very rarely think that was the right course of action but you sound so incredibly unhappy and broken. You poor thing. Is your DH a good loving dad with a good bond with your son? Dads leave ALL THE TIME and are part time parents and children cope and often still have good bonds with them (I know not always) so I don't see why a mum can't make it work too in exceptional circumstances. If you had your son a few nights a week and were on your own the rest of the time, would that realistically help you? As things stand this is damaging for you and your son but maybe with a proper break and time apart you could bond with him more the times you do have him. It might give you a chance of a better relationship with him which is what matters for both of you.

You matter. You deserve happiness. And I might be a stranger on the internet but I care that you are so incredibly unhappy in the situation you're in.

If you decide to take a break (which sounds like a good idea), then make sure it's planned and talked about. If you just crack and walk out he will think he's being abandoned, and it will scar him. But if you pre-arrange you going away for a night, that won't hurt him.

I really sympathise, for various medical reasons I do not cope well with lack of sleep. DS was a nightmare for the first 4 years of his life. It was a bit more complex/obvious as he has a serious breathing problem which was contributing to very broken nights (up 4 times a night). We were barely functioning at work. The paediatricians put it down to his specific breathing problems.

Then something made us wonder if he also had hay fever and we tried a (non-sedative) antihistamine, and it was a miracle. Since that day he has slept through, usually having to be woken in the morning. The allergies were giving him post-nasal drip, which was irritating his throat making him cough, and then wake up.

Sorry @Tappering that was meant for @Lifeisconfusing . I appreciate your support x

Don’t underestimate the effects of sleep deprivation. Armies use it as a form of torture as it breaks battle hardened trained military men.

I don’t know your circumstances - do your you work? Could you use childcare for a few days while you take some leave and sleep during the day? Any chance grandparents could take him for a weekend or two ( or more days?) you are exhausted and need rest.
Don’t over think things until you get a bit of sleep. If there is no one else then your DP needs to step up and let you go to a hotel to sleep for a few days.

You're exhausted and it's easily done.

I really hope you find a solution - hopefully school will help?

Your posts ooze with despair . You really do need a break. Get away for a couple of days, you'll feel like you again, and it'll give you strength to carry on. You'll also have a chance to miss your DC a tiny bit. Is he going to pre-school in September?

I wouldn't normally say this but I think maybe leaving is a good idea in this case. You sound utterly broken.
You could easily say to your son that it's work taking/moving you away from the family home but you'll still see him and your husband 2/3 nights a week (whatever works for you all) Many mums and dads have work commitments that require this type of set up.
Having a child is hard work but it shouldn't be this hard and perhaps you need to put yourself first for a bit now. Rest, come back when you feel strong enough too. The lack of sleep will end eventually. X

Gosh, I was just coming with sympathy and to mention school. My Dd is 5.5 and is in reception. Before she started at school she was up for 2hrs at 1:30am every night like an alarm had gone off, and sometimes didn't go back to sleep at all. We'd done health visitor, sleep consultant, doctor, melatonin etc. These days she sleeps through a few nights, then has a couple with short wake ups and the occasional 3am start. It's better enough to be human again. Dh and I were on brink of divorce. I was a zombie. I know it's school that had this effect as we've gone backwards during the coronavirus crisis. She's back at school now and I can see improvement. I can see you've had similar comments to this already. But I hope it helps. How you survive in the meantime... Shifts. Earplugs. Naps. The odd night away.. I wish I'd done more. And because what's the alternative.

I’ve met several women in my life in your position, it’s very very difficult because it’s such a seemingly unacceptable thing to admit. I can’t see if you are talking to someone professionally about this but I would thoroughly recommend it. If you don’t want to leave the family then this would be a useful thing for you to speak about how you’re feeling without judgement or advice, neither of which you need.

If you do want to stay in the family then you need to find some acceptance for yourself. Youll always be a mother but you don’t have to be a parent. Shocking to many, but it’s your life.

I don’t judge you, I sympathise. I love my sleep and if it is disturbed only for one week I feel like a zombie. I can’t imagine what it’s like for years.

Those who tell you that your son’s sleeplessness is a manifestation of your secret rejection of him, are full of bullshit. Lots of kids are rejected yet sleep through the night.

Op tell your partner that for now he has to take over the nights, it is really important you get some rest. You may even have to state that if he doesn't you will leave and then he has no choice.
Get ear plugs etc and get some sleep, its so hard to find a workable solution when you are so bloody tired.
I would also speak to the GP/health visitor and tell them exactly why have said here, you need support not criticism and it is honestly a good thing to be honest about your feelings, hopefully you can get some therapy and sleep and work through your options.
I do firmly believe that what ever you decide will be in your and your DS's best interest.
Good luck.

OP - I feel your pain, though you sound at breaking point (I’ve been there).
I see in one post you mentioned medication... has he tried Melatonin yet?
My DD is disabled and couldn’t get to sleep (she’s just turning 3) for hours for years, and would wake up every hour and sometimes vomit all over the ged/me etc.
Melatonin gets her to sleep at 7 but she wakes around midnight...I’m going to be giving her a second dose if she wakes during the night. She also gets up at 5am.
I just give her her Kindle Fire (to be fair she can’t get out of bed so that makes a difference ).
I can’t sleep longer than a couple of hours in a row since I had her. I sometimes feel like I’m 90 and I cry for no reason.
Lockdown has made everything worse.
I know you don’t want to talk about things to try but just in case... Melatonin might work.
Other than that, leave for a while if you have to!
You get one life and you need to look after yourself or you can’t care for anybody else.
I hope something helps soon.

Oh lovely, you really do have my sympathies. And it will get better.

DD didn't sleep through until she was almost 6. Until she was 5 getting 5 hours of broken sleep was a good night. It almost destroyed me. At one point I was getting about 1.5 hours per night. It was so bad I was actually having hallucinations. I despised her and my husband.

Now, 4 years later we have an amazing bond and she actually sleeps.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. It's horrific and unless you have actually had a child who is like that I don't think you can understand how bad it is. It makes you physically and mentally ill.

Do go and get a few nights away, not just one. I still have a long weekend each year where I'm me and not Mummy. Sleep, eat and sleep some more. Then reassess.

Sleep deprivation is hell.

I would take a few days off and go to a cheap hotel, or a friends or anywhere.

It will give you a chance to recharge and you may even start to miss your ds.

I would go back to the GP and talk to them again about support for yourself.
I would also arrange for a counselor to talk to regularly.
It will eventually get better.

Sleep deprivation is used as torture because it works. Those who have not been through it should STFU.

I know you say you've tried everything but do you do one night on and one night off with your partner? The one who is having the night off puts in ear plugs and tries to sleep, if possible in a different room. A night or two of sleep and you will get the strength to carry on.

Exercise him as much as you can manage, get a trampoline if you have space.

Op you are not alone. When did was 4 I felt exactly the same. She was text book till 8 months and then she just stopped sleeping. It was hell on earth. I had months where I wanted to just walk away. School didn't help initially...but she is nearly 7 and although we have the odd run of nights where it is shit it is rare these days.

Is your DS verbal enough to tell you why he wont sleep?

I genuinely don't have the answers, but if you want some support off the post then please dm me, I will happily help where I can

You poor soul OP. I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread, so very unhelpful to someone in crisis.

I can’t offer any solutions, you’re clearly trying absolutely everything, but please do keep on trying. Every minute and hour you can get through is a step forward.

I was you once, my DD didn’t sleep through until she was 5. I genuinely thought about divorcing DH so I could sleep every other weekend at one point. I was on my knees, and I just wanted to run away.

Give him to your partner, go to a hotel or a BnB, a friends spare room, anywhere and get away. Go and sleep and get yourself back, and I mean more than a couple of nights, take the time you need. Go and get yourself back.

School does make a massive difference, and in the end I realised she had a weird body clock and enforcing ‘rules’ made no difference other than stressing us both out. So once she was in school full time, she’d have dinner at 6, bath, reading stories at 7-8. Then she could colour or look at books and eventually she’d be asleep at 9. Which sounds super late for a 5yo, but not one that never sleeps! It tired her out and then she’d sleep till 6am. She’s 17 now and would sleep 13 hours straight given the chance!

I completely get where you are right now, you aren’t alone and you are just at the end of your tether.

i do understand how it feels but the way you have put it is a bit unerving.... you dont sound like you love your boy at all : /

I am not trying to be judgemental but i do wonder what kind of life HE is living ....

my boy would sleep from 1am to 4am waking for a bottle at 2 and it was exhausting then would take 10 minute power naps through the day and i had PND but i never felt like that about it, i was angry and upset and often thought of walking away but i always loved him to bits and never regretted him.

Thankfully he is better now as i just started a proper routing with him and exhausted him throughout the day ( plus childcare in the day helped amazingly)

I think you need more help and if GPS etc arnt helping then maybe go elsewhere? social services? maybe explain that you are on the edge of walking away and that you NEED Help.

I'm so sorry you feel like this op I can really sympathise with you. I know the total feeling of despair, that you're stuck in this life with no out.

I am going to get flamed for this but men walk away from children, as do some women (not as many) You will get judged if you did walk away, but you need to weigh up what's worse. You also have the option of speaking to family services. They might be able to help with getting you some restbite