How can I possible keep going living this lie

[cantkeepgoing]

I've got an almost 4 year old who is a dreadful sleeper......tried everything so please don't advise me on trying something.....

My question is this. How do I keep going? I so badly want out? I so wish I'd not had him. I hate being a mum. I'm so angry and resentful of this life. I just want to leave

It might be better for all of you OP if you leave him with his dad and just have access at weekends, or if you still love your husband, then do a live apart relationship where you can take it in turns. even if its just temporary.
You did choose to go through with the pregnancy, so you cant just abandon him, but you can do things to try and make things easier. The bad sleeping isnt going to be forever. When hes older, even if hes a bad sleeper, he wont necessarily be so demanding in the night.
Youre so exhausted right now, physically and mentally that your brain is not going to feel content or happy about anything, let alone loved up bonded feelings. When ive been in a desperate pit of severe depression, I didnt feel love for anyone.

I fully sympathise with you .. I have also had children that wouldn't sleep.. we also tried everything and nothing worked.. myself and husband used to take turns on who was up with child..he also worked full time.. it is draining emotionally and mentally.. it got so bad it almost split us up as a family.. but my children did get better and sleep.. my son was the worst we was hoping school would help.. it didn't and he hardly slept.. he is 11 now and still doesn't sleep well but he happily stays in his room on his computer..YouTube etc and we can sleep.. like others have said unless you have been or going through this.. you have no idea what this lady is going through.

Not a medical expert here but could this be PND and could it be worth speaking to your GP? It’s ok to say that you don’t feel the love back, I have 2 kids and often feel I love my son more! Pray that you seek help and peace

It must be very hard living for so long with so little sleep. Is there a therapist ypu can speak to?
I also sometimes regret having kids, but that mainly when i've had terrible sleep.
Please seek help for yourself. Life is beautiful and you will be happy.

Your poor poor lady, I can't imagine how awful you must be feeling that you don't feel like your DH wants to hear the truth. You desperately need his love and support to cope.

Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you deal with your feelings and help you tell your DH?

We went through a horrific time with DC3 and DH knew how awful I felt and empathised and it did help.

I really would investigate every way possible to get a couple of nights off per week for your sanity.

Those who haven't been through it just can't imagine how soul destroying it is.

I would guess that you are stuck in an awful cycle of feeling so desperate due to sleep deprivation that you have no energy (or the right mental state) to improve the situation.

I have been on my knees due to kid-induced sleep deprivation. Looking back I can see that sleep deprivation was what it was, but at the time I felt uncontrollably angry, tearful, anxious and jittery, and oh so claustrophobic and trapped. I thought I felt those things because I hated being a parent, but no, I feel very different once I've caught up on sleep. Of course my poor child was just as exhausted as me so the tantrums were off the scale and I had no reserves to deal with them well.

Four was the turnaround age for my child, sleepwise, but that's very different from family to family. I would say though, that digging as deep as you can to make the day times as friction free and pleasant as possible sets the groundwork to allow good sleep to come next. It won't make it come, but an equally difficult daytime certainly makes it very hard for a bad sleeper to transition to a good one. Don't stress about tv time or easy food or whatever if those things make the difference between you being a nicer parent to be around, or you not snapping.

It sounds like you've tried a lot of things so don't want ideas, nor do you want to share the specifics of your nights, but feel free to pm me if you would like to hear what eventually helped for me.

It's not going to feel like this forever. It's the lack of sleep making you like you're losing your mind and hating being a mother, it sends you over the edge. Hang in there. Keep talking here, keep getting help wherever you can. .

Please, please prioritise yourself. I had 7 years of chronic sleep deprivation and as a PP mentioned, it triggered psychosis and I wouldn't wish that upon anybody.
I think you need to tell your DH exactly how it is. Everything. I could have happily walked away and left them all to it, it was awful but I don't think my DH really understood how bad it was when I said I couldn't take any more.
I am now on bipolar meds forever because of it, despite having had no MH problems beforehand. I got to the bottom of my DS's sleep issues, but it was too late, the damage was done.
I don't know what to suggest because I don't know your specific circumstances. I just don't want you to end up where I did x

I'm so sorry OP, that sounds intensely difficult. I can't imagine how bad you must feel all the time.

I think in order you need to try:

1. Immediately go back to the GP, tell them how you feel, really let it all out and ask that your meds be changed.

2. Access counselling for yourself as this is so clearly not about sleep, it's about him and how you feel about him and feeling that you 'had' to have him even though you didn't want to really.

3. I wouldn't normally jump to this option but as others have said, maybe you do need to consider moving out and getting your own place, and seeing him for some of the times, perhaps weekends and lots in the week but sleeping in your own place.

My instinct is that a change in meds coupled with a really good therapist you trust could massively help you. I hope things improve for you soon.

I have no useful advice, you’ve obviously sought help. I’m just so sorry you’re life has turned out this way. I can only say, it will get better as he gets older and more independent. Bide your time, I promise it will get better. So many Mothers have been through similar, just hang on. Sorry not to be any help, just feel for you.

My ds had an awful period of sleeping. I was on my knees.
At that time I felt he deserved a better mum etc. Said he'd never know that I was struggling to like spending time with him. Also a mummy's boy.

But I did love him and always did and always will. But the lack of sleep was making me question everything. I often wondered if it would be better for me to walk away. I never would and never will.

Have you discussed melatonin with the GP? It's a natural sleep hormone and can be really beneficial in helping a child get into a good sleep routine.

I just want to say that I think you are incredibly brave to admit how you are feeling, I remember feeling something similar when DS was about 8 months old - he didn't sleep and I had PND and I simply did not want him anymore - it's a horrible horrible feeling.

I feel so sad that you don't feel you can tell your husband how you honestly feel because it will upset him - what about how upset you are? Are his needs greater than yours?

You are at breaking point by the sounds of things, so something needs to change.

Can you try to have an honest discussion with your husband so that he can see how desperate you are feeling? It sounds as though you have tried everything to help your son sleep and nothing has worked, if you don't say something then things will just get worse for you.

As others have said maybe it would be best for you to leave - either in the short term to get yourself back, or permanently and that is ok to do that, it doesn't make you a terrible person.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs OP

I just want to say that I think you are incredibly brave to admit how you are feeling, I remember feeling something similar when DS was about 8 months old - he didn't sleep and I had PND and I simply did not want him anymore - it's a horrible horrible feeling.

I feel so sad that you don't feel you can tell your husband how you honestly feel because it will upset him - what about how upset you are? Are his needs greater than yours?

You are at breaking point by the sounds of things, so something needs to change.

Can you try to have an honest discussion with your husband so that he can see how desperate you are feeling? It sounds as though you have tried everything to help your son sleep and nothing has worked, if you don't say something then things will just get worse for you.

As others have said maybe it would be best for you to leave - either in the short term to get yourself back, or permanently and that is ok to do that, it doesn't make you a terrible person.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs OP

@cantkeepgoing

I didn't want kids, but he was unplanned and I felt I had to go through with his birth

The irony is that he's a mummy's boy who , of course, will always feel loved and he adores me. As crushing and disgusting as this sounds I don't feel the same back

I will continue to keep getting through this hoping and praying he'll never ever find out

My partner is heartbroken when I even touch the sides of how I feel so I know I could never tell him the real truth

My heart bleeds for you. You need counselling. You really do. You need to talk to a proper qualified counsellor and you need an understanding GP to refer you. This is so much deeper than just saying you have "PND" or need AD or whatever. This is much, much deeper. My youngest did not sleep for more than 20 minutes for the first 6 -8 weeks -I was out of my mind -it was surreal. But he didn't sleep through until at least a year old -even now (and he's older than yours) even single night he finds his way in my bed. As he needs to sleep with me,one of his siblings and even at times snuggled up with one or more of the dogs. In his case he needs to be warm, heart beat. He has trouble with his ears and hearing. I really loved him but hated him - really hated him in the fact he wouldn't sleep and I was exhausted. You need to keep pushing for support with the sleep. Allergies, hearing problems, pain etc -but you need rest. Do you have a room where you can lock the door, put on eye mask and ear plugs and just sleep even for a week whilst your partner deals with it. Can granny or someone have him for a week -to give you a break. Funnily enough my youngest sleeps very well with Granny and Grandpa but they are firm believers in 20 miles of coastal walks to tire the little bugger out -a day with them and he's sleeping all night and can not get up before 8am. Please know you are NOT alone and NOT a bad person. But the sleep or lack of it -is a huge factor.

I am so sorry you are in the middle of this. DD didnt sleep thru till she started school, and even now (nearly 15) she wears an eyemask listens to white noise and has a weighted blanket to help her sleep.

I am sure you have tried everything. See if you can have a break by leaving for a day or two until you can get some sleep. If you can do that, once you have had some sleep you will be more able to see clearly what you want to do next.

Fan is a good idea, worked for DD and that is what gave her the idea of white noise (I wish I had thought of that when she was little).

Best of luck and I hope you can get some decent sleep soon.

My younger child didn’t sleep through until four, and then had a later patch of night terrors which was even more difficult, as I was up for hours every night.
I really sympathise OP, it is so hard, I thought I had a neurological disorder as I couldn’t remember anything. I was physically not very well, plus this constant tiredness.
All I can say it that it will pass, I know that isn’t much help. How much support do you get from your DH, is it mainly you dealing with the waking ? Would it be better to co-sleep ? Whatever gets the most sleep for everyone is the thing to do, even if that means juggling where people sleep. Can you book a week’s break somewhere quiet, just for you ?

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

I stand by my first comment, you need to go away for a few days. I'd say at least 3.

Right now you're in the middle of it and I don't think you can clearly see what you want.

You need a day to sleep, a day to reconnect with you and finally a day to figure out what you want to do next.

OP you have my sympathy
I see someone upthread mentioned melatonin and I’m seconding that. Had your son had this? It’s not easy to get it prescribed but it does work. It’s the hormone that naturally builds up during the day in your body and when it reaches the right level it tips the balance and tells your brain it’s bedtime. Not all people produce enough. My DS never slept until he had it. It would have ripped our lives apart eventually without it- genuinely. You can buy it in health food shops in the rest of Europe n the US. I sometimes take it too.

I second what @Twizbe says, but think you deserve a week at least, if that is in any way doable ? You are broken, you need to prioritise yourself for a week, give yourself space to breathe and sleep and recuperate. You have already done at least 208 weeks without sleep, give yourself a break !

Sorry to hijack OP but does anyone have advice for me?! My child is 10 and does not sleep. As a baby he slept about 6 hours a day and as he’s got older it hasn’t got any better. I had to give up my career because I couldn’t cope with a child awake for almost 18 hours a day. He usually falls asleep about 1 am and then is awake at 7. School doesn’t help.

Sorry OP my post probably doesn’t help you...

I co slept from age 4 years to 12 years. It was only way to get sleep and hence only way to survive such as drive safely and hold down a job.

No regrets other

I feel for you, I had one that didn’t sleep and it caused PND and terrible anxiety. It sounds trite but it does get better , but that doesn’t help here and now. I think some people have offered some good solid advice here. I hope you feel better soon.

I would also say melatonin can really help.
Now no one is traveling but if you know anyone in the USA they could easily buy kids melatonin it is sold in supermarkets and post it to you.

Thanks all for your support x

The doctor prescribed my Dd melatonin without any bother, on the recommendation of preschool and a sleep consultant. I'm not convinced it's done much about night wakings but it certainly knocks her out at bedtime which at least gets a bit more sleep into her.