How can I possible keep going living this lie

[cantkeepgoing]

I've got an almost 4 year old who is a dreadful sleeper......tried everything so please don't advise me on trying something.....

My question is this. How do I keep going? I so badly want out? I so wish I'd not had him. I hate being a mum. I'm so angry and resentful of this life. I just want to leave

Morning @cantkeepgoing . How are you feeling this morning? I don’t often reply on threads but I really wanted to reply to you. I bet you’ve heard people say ‘sleep deprivation is torture’ a million times, but it’s true. It really is. Just a few rough nights with my daughter can make me feel like I’m struggling to function so I can’t even begin to imagine how desperate you must be feeling. It’s absolutely awful. I won’t give any advice on sleeping but if you can find any way at all that means you can get some sleep please do it. Whether it’s telling DH to take over nights for a while, or getting away for a few nights on your own. Right now, you getting some decent sleep needs to be the highest priority.

Once you’ve done that would you consider going back to you doctor? It sounds like your AD’s aren’t working, which is really common and doesn’t mean that other ones won’t. Getting the right medication can really help you to see the wood from the trees. I think if you can get a referral for talking therapy that would be really helpful too.

It’s really clear that you love your son, otherwise you wouldn’t have posted on here. But I can understand why you don’t love the situation you are in. I could be wrong, but I get the impression that you don’t really want to walk away, it’s just seems impossible to see any other way out of the nightmare you’re in at the moment. I think if you can find some way to prioritise getting some sleep (I know that’s easier said than done, but it really needs to be top of your list right now) and then go back to your doctor until you see one that listens to you, you will get through this and come out of the other side

Melatonin has been tried.......no change whatsoever

@Dragonfly80 thanks for taking the time to write that message. The same goes to everyone else.
I don't feel any different today, I've felt this way for years so it's not going to be a quick fix.
Whatever I do I will end of hurting those I love.....I don't give a shit about me.
I think I can keep it under my hat just a little bit longer. I'm not sure yet what I'll do next . I just want to go to sleep forever to get off this train

@GruntBaby what was the name of the antihistamine please?

Oh OP, your posts are heart breaking.

I totally understand the feeling of wnating to walk away. In the middle of lockdown that is exactly how I have been feeling. It is relaly taboo to say it, I would just walk away and not come back, go and make a life for myself elsewhere. I love my dh and I love my kids, but I just cannot do this any more.

I had a session with a counsellor online, she is a clinical psychologist. She obviously couldn't change anything, but the relief of sayign out loud and honestly how I felt was very hlepful. And she didn't condem me, or tell me I was a bad mother, etc etc, she asked abotu me, my needs and what I could do to move forward.

I have since had a few days away. It wasn't enough, I could easily have had 2 weeks, before I even thought about coming back. But when I got home it was better. I felt less on the edge and more able to cope. It isn't the end, I have another session booked, and I am planning some leave of absence from work.

It doesn't matter what the cause is, in your case it is sleep, but it could be anything, but it is helpful to recognise that you are at the end of your tether. Can you get a session with a counsellor to help you? Someone you can talk to, somewhere where you can be honestly yourself?

You don’t need to keep it under your hat any longer @cantkeepgoing . It’s nothing you should be feeling ashamed of. Your son isn’t sleeping, you’re not sleeping, of course you’re going to be struggling. No one is going to judge you for that. You’ve taken a really brave and positive step posting this thread, I think now is a really good time to tell someone how you’re feeling, like your husband or doctor or anyone else in your support network. It really is ok to struggle with this, you wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t

You’re clearly very strong and used to shouldering all this yourself but it really is ok and right to ask for help. That is a sign of strength in itself

I am really hesitating to post anything about your son, as I know you have tried everything, but he is coming up to the age where even if he doesn't sleep, he doesn't need to wake you up every time.
This is so dependant on how and when he sleeps, but teaching him that when he wakes he can put on his bedside light and look at a book, play with these toys, have a drink etc, but he doesn't need to come in to you.
One of those sleepy face clocks for early morning waking, so he can't come to you until the clock wakes up.
It won't work every time but every time he doesn't come in to you, is one time you are not woken up.

Are you doing all nights? What is happening at the moment?

I really feel for you, if you genuinely never wanted your child and still feel that way but you are doing everything in your peer to make sure your child is happy, hide your pain and all on sleep deprivation then fair play to you.

It's fucking hard. I really don't know what to suggest to help as I can't imagine being in that situation, probably what I would do, as crazy as it sounds, is watch long lost family-stay with me here- see all the emotion with those ppl, ones who have given up their children, kids who have found answers as to why they were given up, some no real reason they just weren't wanted.....you never know it may alter your mind, may sound a bit harsh but you never know if you see the emotion and click into it it could just move your mindset, help you re think things for a bit then once the child starts school
That's less time with them, they grow and change possibly to your double, again that could slowly change your mindset and you could do a full circle.

It's hard you never wanted a child and you have one, the guilt you feel will be immense but you know what, your being an amazing human being for sticking with it and making sure the child is as happy as can be. You need to give yourself credit there, I really hope what I'm saying isn't coming across in the wrong way I really don't mean it to. 8 have a tendency to have these great ideas but when I explain them they come across wrong, so pls be assured this is a support reply. It is very sad you feel this way but you know your doing good by sticking it out, perhaps trying to adapt your mindset feather than changing it may just be one little tweak you need to help you through it a bit more.

Stay strong, you are doing brilliantly, there's a lot of ppl out there having kids for meal tickets and for benefits and treating them like animals, they keep having more, they are scum. You had a child you didn't want but you take care of that child hide your feelings fight every day and make sure they are well cared for, just take that into consideration, your doing ok, your not a bad person.

I dont really have much to add to all the other nice posts!
I just want to say you're not alone. It's happened to many parents and will happen to many more. But you seem to be looking after your baby really well and he seems happy; so that is really good. Maybe try talking to your dh again or a therapist.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so desperate.

The effects of sleep deprivation are horrendous. Please, please do tell your DH you need a few days away, just to get some sleep. Then get him to agree to make this a regular occurrence. And go back to your GP.

Throw anything you can at this, but as a first step get some time away to just sleep.

I'm sending you much love.

Have you got someone that could take you in every other night for a while? Swap out with your DH so that you both get at least half of your sleep.

Or if you're scared you won't come back but dont want to leave, then go to someone for a while who will force you, another Mum, a family member.... Somone who will drive you back and walk you in.

Or ask social services for support, an emergency respite placement for him, support for you immediately.

You've managed to say how you feel on here, could you say it in an email to a gp or book an appointment and ask them to look at the thread if you cant find the words, it sounds like you need MH support as soon as possible.

Or your health visitor if they were good?

Thanks again for reaching out to a total stranger.

I've had an hours sleep this morning so I feel like I can continue to "cope" a bit more

I will contact all the people who should be able to help me......professionals . I can't say this out loud to my partner. He would've no one if I bailed out and that's not fair.

Ive said this to a few Gp's/psychs/health visitors/counsellors before. Most of them say I feel that way because I'm so tired.....and to get more sleep when I can. If only it was that simple.........

I really think you need to be very open and honest with both your DP/DH and others.

If you left where would your DS end up? Looked after by Dad or in care?

I know too many people have had to tell social services they are going to sign their DS over I to care before they could get any support or respite care, for children that needed 24/7 in person care. If your DS barely sleeps at all you are in the same boat tbh.

Don't put on a brace face tell them how far you have sunk.

My heart breaks for you OP, if sounds like you're completely at the end of your tether.

Let go of the feelings of guilt, it's not a useful emotion. This is the situation you are in right now, you can only make the best of that. You are shouldering this alone because you don't want to upset your husband, but you're at breaking point. He needs to know how desperate you are and help you make a plan to move forward.

Do you think you'd be able to cope better if your husband had primary custody and you saw your son for visitation at the weekend / a meal during the week, like many non resident parents do? Try to book a few days away by yourself just to sleep and think about what you want.

I've had an hours sleep this morning so I feel like I can continue to "cope" a bit more

I think this does tell you that your coping mechanism is very tied up with your sleep. It obviously isn't the whole story, but gettign regular sleep will make a difference to how you feel, and how desparate you feel.

very practical solutions don't seem logical to very emotional problems, but then can help. They create space for us to breathe, and then think and then move forward. So work on getting sleep. Do whatever it takes, sleep at a friends once a week, take turns with your dh sleeping in your son's room. Sleep on the sofa, anything really to change the current situation.

I may be able to keep going by getting an hour here or there but it doesn't change the way I feel unfortunately

It allows me to keep acting to the outside world and to let them think that I don't feel the way I REALLY feel

Have you had your iron levels etc checked? Always worth checking nothing else is making you worse. Also hormonal birth control can make you depressed and can affect your sleep.

has the doctor tried phenegren?

Chlorophenamine is the antihistamine that makes some sleepy (not mine)

Boots travel sickness tablets make mine sleepy

The thing is, the way you 'really' feel isn't even necessarily the actual way you really feel. Because sleep deprivation screws with your brain so much it is quite possible to genuinely feel that you hate motherhood, that you don't like your child very much, that you'd rather be alone etc, and for that entire reality to flip once you've had enough sleep (not just a restorative hour here or there).

The catch 22 is that you can't just magic up a month of good rest in order to find out how the 'real' feels about it all.

I really feel for you. Even if you don't currently feel able to discuss the details with your DP (although I would encourage you to), could you have a conversation where you explain that the cumulative lack of sleep has brought you to a place where you feel your mental health is reaching breaking point and you're frightened by it (all true). That you need a couple of weeks either away completely, or sleeping somewhere else in order to try and get back on an even keel.

I haven’t any advice @cantkeepgoing just a hand squeeze from me. Sounds awful.

Yes had bloods
Phenergan isn't licensed here
Please don't think I'm being dismissive but everything that anyone's suggested so far has even tried

Could you put your son in nursery and sleep during the day? I appreciate there aren't many spaces at the moment but your healthcare team should be able to help you access a place.

Or a family member or friend that could take him for a solid 4 hours so you can sleep for that?

What sort of pattern of sleeping does he have?

Sorry I assumed you were UK

Not sure I have anything else to offer that hasn’t already been said but you have my sympathies
Sleep deprivation is the worst thing, especially over a long sustained period. It impacts everything and takes over your life and it magnifies all problems

My son ( now 13) didn’t sleep at all until he was 4. And I mean at all! Literally would takes ages to go to sleep ( crying until he did) then 45 minutes later would be awake only to repeat! Constantly a 24 hour period. It honestly nearly broke me and looking back I have no idea how I didn’t do something stupid

Turned out he had v enlarged tonsils and adenoids leading to sleep apnea, had them removed and it literally saved us!
I’m not saying this is the same and you e said you don’t want to go into the patterns and reasons, that’s fine, you don’t have to but for a child to have such problems sleeping there is a reason - we just don’t know it. Might be physical, emotional, psychological etc but there is a reason. Please go back to your gp and request something to help you cope and also demand further investigations

If you’re able, I second suggestions to get away, even if only for a weekend