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Original poster

Ashamed at how i'm living

103 replies

fedup623912 · 06/07/2020 13:43

I don't know where to start, but I'm living in hell with my long term partner. On paper we look fantastic, both great careers, 2 kids (1 from his first marriage, 1 from mine) have lovely house, have great hols, the dream to anyone looking. But inside its pure hell. I hate him and am too embarrassed to leave. He is an aggressive bully, who shouts a lot at myself and daughter, he is manipulative and controlling. I know all of this, and want to leave, but don't know how. How do I cope with the shame of this this. I leave but always end up being convinced to go back through empty promises. Im scared to destroy it all and start again, but equally I know I have to find the strength to leave. Im scared of the fall out of selling the house (I put a lot into this money wise) and he will never leave. Im embarrassed as family is proud of my success, and although I know I can survive easily financially, i'm scared of the threats he makes if I do leave him. Guess im just ashamed that I am meant to be a strong independent woman, but im just worn down inside and desperate.

OP posts:
Horsemad · 06/07/2020 13:49

The first thing to do is share with someone in RL.
Then contact Women's Aid for assistance. They can help you build up to moving out.

labyrinthloafer · 06/07/2020 13:52

Flowers you have nothing to be ashamed of, but I understand exactly what you are saying.

You might find some counselling about the shame would be very helpful.

UrsulaBirkin · 06/07/2020 13:52

I think you're fear is making you overstate the importance of how other people would feel about you leaving him. Nobody who really loves you would want you to stay with a bully. All of us who have been there know full well that fancy holidays with a man who keeps you constantly on edge regardless of how 'nice' the hotel is are utterly miserable. I was always just waiting to go home. You'd have more fun on a rainy caravan holiday in the UK with people who make you feel good.

This is your life. You won't get another one. He wants you to be thinking about how hard it would be to leave him. And hard it may well be, but it sounds as though money isn't too desperate which puts you in a better situation than most.

This is your life - and you should live it any way you choose. Whether or not it pleases people to think of you as all tidy and finished needn't be your concern.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Waiting42021 · 06/07/2020 13:55

Please don’t feel ashamed. Is there anyone you can get support from in real life?

You know that you need to leave, which is the first step. You sound extremely strong and together to me!

Agree with contacting Women’s Aid, who should be able to give you some advice. If you have someone to stay with in real life, I would go to them.

ForeverRedSkinhead · 06/07/2020 13:59

I was in your position just over a decade ago op. Leaving was both the best and scariest thing I've ever done.

I would start with speaking to a close , trusted friend about the realities of your life , please contact women's aid too. They are amazing and will walk you through everything you need to know as you work towards leaving.

Please don't be ashamed. It seems common that the abused carry enough guilt for the abuser and themselves , it's not your fault though , it never was.

Keep talking to us. So many here understand what you're going through.

You are not alone.

Idontlikewednesdays · 06/07/2020 14:20

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Please contact women’s aid and they will support and advise you. If you’re able to manage financially this be be a big weight off your shoulders. You deserve to live without fear and without being controlled.
You can do this💐

calmcoolandcollected · 06/07/2020 14:20

Think about the effect of his shouting on your daughter. If nothing else, you need to be strong for her.

Good luck. Flowers

diddl · 06/07/2020 14:25

What is the "it all" that you are scared to destroy?

An unsafe environment for yourself & your daughter?

Don't let her think that this is what a relationship is about/how women should be treated.

You've left before so you know that you can.

You know that any promises from him are worthless.

You know that you can manage financially-that's a hell of a lot more security than a lot of women in an abusive relationship have.

MyOwnSummer · 06/07/2020 14:26

I'm so sorry OP - you have nothing to be ashamed of. NOTHING. As others have suggested, it might help you to work through these feelings with a counsellor.

But please, for the love of your daughter - get the fuck out of there, ASAP. Nothing justifies allowing this man to continue to bully your child.

Just to reiterate - the shame is on the bully, not the victim. But if you stay you are his enabler.

Original poster
fedup623912 · 06/07/2020 15:02

Thank you for all the messages, I know what you say is 100% correct. I'm even upset that I have resorted to writing online just to share the thoughts in my head. I know that once I tell someone in real life, then the harsh reality comes to light. I'm just devastated that I have let this happen for so long and felt this way. He's gone mental this morning over my daughter, screamed at us both on and off for over 3 hours and I'm exhausted. He will not let me leave, just cries, threatens to hurt himself, took the car keys, cries again and begs, says he will change, then 2 seconds later erupts. I feel he is unstable and that I need to plan my escape thoroughly and properly, rather than impulsive and make mistakes over the timing of leaving/getting everything organised, He is the type who will change locks and destroy my things if I left for good. Sorry, I know I sound pathetic, if I told my sister, my BFF she would be so angry with me for staying so long. My daughter luckily is playing outside, away from his ranting.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/07/2020 15:06

That's so tough.

Realistically, though, you're actually in a strong position. You don't have children together. You're not married.

What I would do is to make a plan for the first day he goes back to work. I'd get my sister on board. I'd plan a man with a van to come to the house and take every single thing you own.

This will be hard on his child, if you have a good relationship with them, but you have to put yourself and your child first. If his child isn't coming back to the house that day, that would be perfect.

Lists are your friend - that and a seriously password protected phone.

HollowTalk · 06/07/2020 15:07

Does his child live with him permanently?

When is this man returning to working outside the home?

Roselilly36 · 06/07/2020 15:10

Sounds a terrible way to be living OP, please don’t worry about what people will think. No one knows how is marriage is unless they are living it. Wishing you all the very best.

calmcoolandcollected · 06/07/2020 15:15

You don’t sound pathetic, OP.

Can you pack your things over time? Or call the police based on his abuse, and pack everything in their presence?

Original poster
fedup623912 · 06/07/2020 15:16

We have a joint mortgage, which neither has the money to buy each other out - even though I would love to keep the house, he would rather burn it down than let me keep. Fortunately, I do have another house just in my name, which is rented, but the contract is due for renewal in Jan, so I think I could rent somewhere short term. My worry is that he would refuse the pay the mortgage, but not leave the house, and I would end up paying it just to avoid arrears and keeping my investment in the house which is also my daughters future inheritance. (I put £60k in as a deposit) I should never have bought with him. I'm so cross with myself, he was always this way, but I thought he had changed and got sucked in, so after 7 years together we bought in January 2020. So I'm also in a fixed mortgage for 3 years. I'm just so ashamed and angry that I have got myself into this mess. His child lives with us part time, and also a victim of his bullying. I have told his family about his behaviour but they always wash over it, saying he just loves you and gets upset.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/07/2020 15:19

I think you need to speak to a solicitor and speak to your step child's mother, too.

I'd get out and get a six month lease somewhere if you can't stay with family.

He sounds really awful. It's important you take everything you own out of the house and take photos of it as it is when you leave, too.

ForeverRedSkinhead · 06/07/2020 18:22

Please get legal advice @fedup623912
Make a plan and leave as safely as possible.

There will probably be some financial losses for you in leaving , as abusers will cause trouble in any way then can , but please don't use this as a reason not to leave. Believe me when I say that a few years of paperwork and extra bills are well worth it for your freedom.

Tell your friends and family , get some support to enable you to move forward.

Also , stop speaking with his family. They're not your people , so will probably throw you under a bus to keep their flesh and blood happy.

You can do this.

Franticbutterfly · 06/07/2020 18:48

I am so sorry to read this, I really hope you build the courage to leave, it would be a lovely new start and the relaxed life you deserve. Nothing that is worth doing is easy.

FinallyHere · 06/07/2020 18:56

Honestly, this is nothing to be ashamed about. Don't let the fear keep you there for a moment longer. Start the plan.

MissSmiley · 06/07/2020 19:05

How much money did he put into the house? I assume you aren't married

HDDD · 06/07/2020 19:14

I concur with others. You need legal help and Women's Aid or similar to get a concrete plan to get out. If your sister is your best friend then she will be angry at him, not you. She might be upset she didn't see how unhappy you are but hopefully she'll be the confidante you need to get you out and through the other side. I'd be wary of letting too many people know (my experience was that they won't get it). You got this. Stay strong.

peaceanddove · 06/07/2020 19:20

You have absolutely nothing, nothing to be ashamed of. You have acknowledged that you must leave and that is the most important thing. I agree you shouldn't act impulsively, but you need a solid plan in place quickly. Every day spent with this man is a day wasted. Don't ever think that you are losing anything, or failing, by leaving this man. Instead, by leaving, you are gaining everything, your peace of mind, your future, your happiness, and also that of your daughter. Do this for you and for her. It will be very short term pain in order to gain a lifetime of good things x

Atalune · 06/07/2020 19:23

If you were my sister, friend or daughter I would do everything I could to help you and I would be in pain that you hadn’t felt able to reach out to me in RL.

Please call someone you trust.

Whybirdwhy · 06/07/2020 19:25

Any friend worth having would be full of admiration towards someone taking the daunting step to leave a bad relationship and make a better life for themselves and their daughter. And believe me it would be a better life. Honestly, do it. You are worth SO much more than this.

RedOasis · 06/07/2020 19:29

Don’t be ashamed. Strong independent women know when it’s time to move on as well. Don’t prolong the misery and torture yourself and the kids. Don’t go back. You have one life only. Live your best one. And get some support from friends/ family. Maybe they have picked up in this and kinda hope you leave and will be more than supportive of you. 💐