Ashamed at how i'm living

[fedup623912]

I don't know where to start, but I'm living in hell with my long term partner. On paper we look fantastic, both great careers, 2 kids (1 from his first marriage, 1 from mine) have lovely house, have great hols, the dream to anyone looking. But inside its pure hell. I hate him and am too embarrassed to leave. He is an aggressive bully, who shouts a lot at myself and daughter, he is manipulative and controlling. I know all of this, and want to leave, but don't know how. How do I cope with the shame of this this. I leave but always end up being convinced to go back through empty promises. Im scared to destroy it all and start again, but equally I know I have to find the strength to leave. Im scared of the fall out of selling the house (I put a lot into this money wise) and he will never leave. Im embarrassed as family is proud of my success, and although I know I can survive easily financially, i'm scared of the threats he makes if I do leave him. Guess im just ashamed that I am meant to be a strong independent woman, but im just worn down inside and desperate.

Pick up your daughter and leave.

Does your daughter visit her dad?
If he is decent then She would be better off living with him right?

Choose for your daughter
She does not deserve this.
Get your papers. Go. Then see solicitor. You might lose money but your daughters well being is worth more

There’s nothing shameful about knowing you and your daughter deserve better.

i envy you, so exciting to enter a new phase in your life. the leaving may be problematic.. complicated, how do you vanish without a trace?

you need a serious plan, meticulously planned... you need a girlfriend. prefereably a single girl that has time... perhaps you can find one to help you... maybe a retired lady... who will be a calming influence on both you and husband... put an ad in the lady magazine.. for a companion...who is stable and wealthy enough to keep up with you... there are so many options you can 'make up'... - cant you tell him 'you have two options... i leave you and you crack up.. or i leave you and you love me more for leaving you... etc... a fresh new pair of eyes would help... if you are in london... i can help you.. be your new best friend... i am an artist...i work for myself...independent and financially stable... men are difficult to shake off because they attached themselves from the very very start... the men are the ones with the claws!

Lead with your daughter’s wellbeing in mind. It doesn’t matter whether you feel ashamed, just do it anyway. It doesn’t matter if you are financially worse off. It doesn’t matter that you might lose your house.

What matters if your daughter’s sense of what is OK in her life, and her childhood, which can never be replaced.

Call the police. They will get him out. Take it from there.
I'm really trying not to be judgemental but I dont understand how you can let this go on when there are 2 kids in this situation.
I dont want to be unkind but that's the bottom line.
Sod the house or what anyone else thinks.

The "successful" and wisest women I know have confronted their human frailty and come out the other side.

You'd be shocked if you knew how many women are living in similar conditions to you, but the important thing is to get out and show yourself, your daughter and the world the stuff you are made of.

There is a lot of sound advice here on how to go about it as safely as possible.

Please forgive me if I'm a) completely wrong with my assumptions or b) missing something that's been suggested already. Also I'm no expert at all in property ownership, but here goes with my question...

I read in your post that you have another house in your name. You said it's rented - does this mean you own it and are renting it out? And the lease for the tenants ends in January?

If that is the case, are you able to sell that house in order to facilitate you buying out your partner? I know it's not an immediate fix but is it a longer term solution?

I could be completely wrong there so apologies. Regardless though, you have absolutely no reason to be ashamed. You haven't done anything wrong. Your brain is working overtime. You're focusing on the worst that could happen, because normally that's the best way to prepare. But when you're clouded by anxiety, preparation doesn't happen, it just snowballs into thinking about every minute detail of what could go wrong.

If you don't mind entertaining this suggestion, are you able to try actively thinking about what's the worst that can happen? As in, give in to your worst fears and let your brain run wild. What would happen if your friends or family were angry. What would happen if he attempted to take his own life.

I appreciate it seems grim when put like that but surprisingly, when I'm at my most anxious, this helps me. You're able to plan for the worst eventuality and make peace with it. You're able to say 'okay, he might threaten suicide', but then you'll quickly be able to decide that you're 'okay with that'. You're currently trapped in a cycle of thinking briefly about the worst, then kicking yourself for caring about it, then accepting that you're holding yourself back, then staying put, rinse and repeat.

Chances are, the worst that could happen won't affect your life or the life of your daughter any more detrimentally than staying put would do. Once you're able to understand that, by giving yourself a break, you can compose yourself and your thoughts.

As I said, I know this seems counterproductive on paper. But at the worst moments of my life, this has helped me. Not being hard on yourself doesn't always mean not thinking negatively. It sometimes means allowing yourself to think negatively, so you can move on.

I sincerely hope that helps in some way and I hope even more that whatever coping method you choose, you can move forward to your better forever

Well done for writing it down! It is now out there in front of a bunch of strangers and nothing has gone wrong.

You are showing great strength and you are already planning to change things. Take it a step at a time, you have been given great advice. Remember bullies rarely follow through and you are stronger than you think, especially where your children are concerned.

Now take the next step and get that professional help.

Thank you to all your advice, especially the harsh words. Its the wake up call I needed. I'm mortified that I let it go this long. Today I emailed the police. They have come and helped me leave him. Im scared of the next steps and the fall out from this all, but they have witnessed his ranting at me, threats to kill himself if I leave and I can feel safer knowing they have seen this behaviour and its not in my head.
My daughter is devastated as she doesn't really understand, but I will start a fresh for her. I honestly needed your help to make me do the final push. Ive just sobbed to my sister, told her everything and she has sobbed back and said she knew he was a bully and destroying me. I'm ready to get my life back. I think 1 day at a time but there is NO going back. Thank you everyone x

Well done OP.

Well done. Cut contact.
Threats to kill himself = call 999.

You gave a house so in few months you can get financial sorted.

Well done @fedup623912, you have done something amazing for yourself and your DD. You've done something really difficult and brave by admitting what is going on to someone else.

Take each day or even each hour at a time. Hold your DD tight and don't ever be embarrassed. He is the one who is in the wrong, he is the bully - he is the only one who should feel ashamed.

Take care.

Massive well done OP. You've taken the first steps to improving DDs life and that's huge! So glad you have your sister for support. You can do this.

well done op.

Well done KOKO

Oh god there seems to be something in my eye....

Well bloody done. You’ve been so so brave. So brave. And you can now start afresh.

It will be hard and some days you’ll think you will let him back in your life. Don’t. Don’t don’t.

You are pretty fucking amazing.

Thank god! I really hope this is true. I’ve been thinking about you and your poor child all night and day. No child should have to live in terror. I can imagine emotions are high right now, but you’ve got a chance at a fresh start now

What is happening to his child though op?

Well done OP.

What about his poor son?

there is NO going back
GOOD
now take that to the bank

Well done OP

Make sure you and your daughter are safe and also that his ex knows what's happening so she can keep her son away from him xxx

You’ve done the hardest bit. He won’t do anything serious. My ex threatened all of this, I coped for 23 years. I live a lovely calm, happy and peaceful life without him now. And do you know what, despite all the threats, he’s still alive and absolutely fine and he loved me so very much that he had a new girlfriend in less than three months!

You should be incredibly proud of yourself! You've done what a significant number of people cannot every bring themselves to do. You have walked away!

You know this but I will say it anyway. He will now have one single goal in life and that is to get you back into his home so he can abuse you and your DD again.

He will promise to change.

He will threaten to take his own life.

He will promise to give you back the good times.

He will threaten to tell people all sorts of dreadful lies about you.

He will threaten to harm your DD.

He will threaten to harm you.

He will promise to destroy you financially.

OK. He may not do every one of these but you can guarantee he'll give quite a few of them a go and he will only have one goal. He doesn't care about you or love you. He just wants his victim back.

There are no good times with him because they will always be between episodes of abuse. He will not change.

Don't engage, discuss, justify or explain. Block his communications so you cant hear the threats. Work out how family and friends can take the burden of reading/listening to his messages from you.

It is better to lose £60,000 than to ever spend another day in this man's company.

Chuck the regrets in the bin along with him and start planning the rest of your life. It's going to be a whole lot better without him in it x

OP 'Ive just sobbed to my sister, told her everything and she has sobbed back and said she knew he was a bully and destroying me."

I told you people may well know. They care and want to stick up for you.

"I'm ready to get my life back. I think 1 day at a time but there is NO going back. Thank you everyone x" Well done. You are brilliant.

OP, you're amazing. Well done. Wishing you and your daughter all the very best in your new life.

Day at a time is very sensible way to approach it. Please be very gentle with yourself, you need time to recover and heal.