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Original poster

Ashamed at how i'm living

103 replies

fedup623912 · 06/07/2020 13:43

I don't know where to start, but I'm living in hell with my long term partner. On paper we look fantastic, both great careers, 2 kids (1 from his first marriage, 1 from mine) have lovely house, have great hols, the dream to anyone looking. But inside its pure hell. I hate him and am too embarrassed to leave. He is an aggressive bully, who shouts a lot at myself and daughter, he is manipulative and controlling. I know all of this, and want to leave, but don't know how. How do I cope with the shame of this this. I leave but always end up being convinced to go back through empty promises. Im scared to destroy it all and start again, but equally I know I have to find the strength to leave. Im scared of the fall out of selling the house (I put a lot into this money wise) and he will never leave. Im embarrassed as family is proud of my success, and although I know I can survive easily financially, i'm scared of the threats he makes if I do leave him. Guess im just ashamed that I am meant to be a strong independent woman, but im just worn down inside and desperate.

OP posts:
NellieandRufus · 06/07/2020 19:46

Don’t give yourself a hard time for the mistakes you made, be proud of yourself for acknowledging the situation you’re in and being prepared to do something about it.

Is your deposit protected via an agreement or did you both out in equal amounts?

If his child also is on the receiving end of his rage, is her mum aware and if not can you make sure she knows when you leave?

lowlandLucky · 06/07/2020 19:46

The shame is is not yours. You owe it to yourself and your Daughter to leave. Show her that this behaviour is not exceptable in ant relationship. You can do this.Flowers

NellieandRufus · 06/07/2020 19:47

Sorry for spelling and grammatical mistakes, didn’t have my glasses on!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Kasparovski · 06/07/2020 19:51

Please don’t place your potential shame or embarrassment ahead of your DD’s safety and emotional security. This bullying has the potential to cause her huge lifelong trauma. Please find the inner courage to end this....you have your family, you have your career and financial independence - you CAN do this OP. You really can. Focus on placing yourself and your DD in a place of safety - that should be your priority and then get yourself to a solicitor pronto. All the feelings etc will sort themselves out in time.

Whywhywhy321 · 06/07/2020 19:55

You really need to tell someone what you are going through IRL. You say you are close to your sister so please tell her what your marriage (and partner) is really like.

Once you have someone to confide in it will be like a weight lifted off your shoulders and her support will make it easier for you to make plans to leave.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 06/07/2020 19:57

This is the start of your new life OP.
Identifying the problem.
Admitting it.
Then taking some actions.

Rome wasn't built in a day.
You can take it step by step.
If we think about where we need to be it can all seem overwhelming.
But you can do one thing, call woman's aid.
That will do for now.
Call them and get a bit of advice.

Oh, and hug your daughter.
And hugs to you too.

Gather up your strength and make that call.

Heyhih3 · 06/07/2020 20:00

How old is your child? What is your he like with his own child?

Original poster
fedup623912 · 06/07/2020 20:08

Thank you for all the supportive messages, my daughter is 10, his son is 11. His ex I think is very aware of his behaviour problems. He has been ranting all day as we are both currently working from home and will not stop with the emotional blackmail. He knows I want to leave. Everyone is right, and I know in my head I have to do this, I just hate the thought of failure and starting again. But cannot wait to have peace, and sleep feeling safe again, thank you all x

OP posts:
ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 06/07/2020 20:10

Seems to me that you're really great at sorting things out, and just need the head space to work out the logistics, but make a list of all the issues you need resolved:

  1. mortgage - how to ensure it's paid
  2. Temp accommodation
  3. Give tenants notice
  4. Walk out.
peaceanddove · 06/07/2020 20:10

The only way you can fail this is by staying with him.

Thinkingabout1t · 06/07/2020 20:11

He has gaslighted you into feeling ashamed and unable to make a move, OP. You're not helpless: you have built a good career, and when you are free of this man's manipulations you will rediscover your real strength and competence.

Get some legal advice and ask your sister or a close friend to help. Plan your move and then do it, promising yourself you're not going to let him persuade you back.

Think what a difference this will make to DD's life too. Good luck in making your escape and remaking your life.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 06/07/2020 20:11

Or rather get him to leave.

Camphillgirl · 06/07/2020 20:12

My grandfather used to say ....Don’t worry about what other people think. Most people are so busy worrying about themselves they hardly notice you.

Seriously you need to worry about yourself and DD. I have also known friends who booked a van and moved out while partner was at work. Make arrangements for his child though you don’t want to upset a child. Also keep arrangements quiet. It’s amazing what big ears children have. Best of luck you won’t regret it neither will your DD.

seriousandloyal · 06/07/2020 20:15

It's not a failure to get away from this massive weirdo, it's a win. Do not accept being treated like this, not for you and especially not for your daughter, she deserves better and you know it. Good luck xx

seriousandloyal · 06/07/2020 20:15

It's not a failure to get away from this massive weirdo, it's a win. Do not accept being treated like this, not for you and especially not for your daughter, she deserves better and you know it. Good luck xx

seriousandloyal · 06/07/2020 20:15

It's not a failure to get away from this massive weirdo, it's a win. Do not accept being treated like this, not for you and especially not for your daughter, she deserves better and you know it. Good luck xx

seriousandloyal · 06/07/2020 20:15

It's not a failure to get away from this massive weirdo, it's a win. Do not accept being treated like this, not for you and especially not for your daughter, she deserves better and you know it. Good luck xx

seriousandloyal · 06/07/2020 20:15

It's not a failure to get away from this massive weirdo, it's a win. Do not accept being treated like this, not for you and especially not for your daughter, she deserves better and you know it. Good luck xx

Itsjustabitofbanter · 06/07/2020 20:16

How is it failure, protecting your daughter from child abuse? Your shame doesn’t matter, the house doesn’t matter, as long as you can support yourself the mortgage and money doesn’t matter. Fgs woman, get your little girl away from this dickhead!!

Itsjustabitofbanter · 06/07/2020 20:17

He’s screamed at and terrorised your little girl for 3 hours already. Why are you subjecting her to this?? Pack a bag now, or ring the police and report domestic violence. Do something!!

Morana23 · 06/07/2020 20:19

Hugs to you OP, you can do this. And once it's done, you will never look back.

Kasparovski · 06/07/2020 20:26

Please stay safe and stick to your resolve OP. Once you and DD are out of there you will ask yourself why on earth you didn’t act sooner. Don’t hesitate to call the police if you feel that you cannot keep yourself or DD safe.

macaroniandpizza · 06/07/2020 20:28

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. If anyone should be ashamed its your partner for how he treats you. Womens aid would be a good starting point

Kasparovski · 06/07/2020 20:28

You have a career OP. Think of the thousands of women who don’t have options like you do. Please leave and pronto.

Caoilainn · 06/07/2020 20:28

@Horsemad

The first thing to do is share with someone in RL. Then contact Women's Aid for assistance. They can help you build up to moving out.
This.

Also you are a strong and independent woman. That's nothing to do with anyone's perception, you just are. You have recognised a situation that isn't ok for you and your daughter and know you need to get out of it.

All that matters is you and her. You can always rebuild. It might not be the same financially but there are more important things.

If women's aid are busy, they can be, then google other support in your area. There will be some. If you can't find it then post your county and we can help.

You've made the first step, it doesn't have to be a rush. What do you think you are comfortable doing next?