Ashamed at how i'm living

[fedup623912]

I don't know where to start, but I'm living in hell with my long term partner. On paper we look fantastic, both great careers, 2 kids (1 from his first marriage, 1 from mine) have lovely house, have great hols, the dream to anyone looking. But inside its pure hell. I hate him and am too embarrassed to leave. He is an aggressive bully, who shouts a lot at myself and daughter, he is manipulative and controlling. I know all of this, and want to leave, but don't know how. How do I cope with the shame of this this. I leave but always end up being convinced to go back through empty promises. Im scared to destroy it all and start again, but equally I know I have to find the strength to leave. Im scared of the fall out of selling the house (I put a lot into this money wise) and he will never leave. Im embarrassed as family is proud of my success, and although I know I can survive easily financially, i'm scared of the threats he makes if I do leave him. Guess im just ashamed that I am meant to be a strong independent woman, but im just worn down inside and desperate.

@Horsemad

The first thing to do is share with someone in RL. Then contact Women's Aid for assistance. They can help you build up to moving out.

This.

Also you are a strong and independent woman. That's nothing to do with anyone's perception, you just are. You have recognised a situation that isn't ok for you and your daughter and know you need to get out of it.

All that matters is you and her. You can always rebuild. It might not be the same financially but there are more important things.

If women's aid are busy, they can be, then google other support in your area. There will be some. If you can't find it then post your county and we can help.

You've made the first step, it doesn't have to be a rush. What do you think you are comfortable doing next?

Many successful and intelligent women have been drawn into abusive relationships. No failure, no shame. Gather your support around you, call on all friends and family (not his) and services who can help you and feel the power to change your life and that of your DD for good with them by your side.

You shouldn’t feel shame, not for one minute. Be proud that you have been strong enough to acknowledge there’s a major problem, and that you have been brave enough to take the first steps by seeking help and support towards a better life for you and your daughter. I don’t have practical advice because I haven’t been in your position, but there are many wonderful wise women who have been where you are, and who are now thriving. I can offer a hand hold though. You’re doing the right thing.

“Embarrassed to leave”. Really? You ought to be embarrassed to stay. Stop being ridiculous and put your child and yourself first. I realise that this journey will not be simple but get out of there by receiving all the support that you can get from the sources that the posters on here have suggested. YOU are the parent. YOU are the one that can change things for your child and yourself for the better, with the support and guidance that has been given to you here.

In these situations it is so hard if you do not feel strong enough or are so exhausted by the whole thing. You may feel that that ‘tomorrow will be the day’. Unfortunately, ‘tomorrow’ sometimes never arrives as there is always a tomorrow.

Just phone or email or reach out to one of the sources that can help you. After all, if you can ask for guidance on here, you can send a text or email to experienced people who can help and guide you.

You must accept your responsibilities as a parent. The way that your child and yourself are living sounds like you are just existing (and worse, living in fear). No one deserves to live like this, it is completely unnecessary with the advice, guidance and services we have available to us.

You need to act NOW. Your child deserves better, as do you. Best of luck, please don’t wait any longer.

I was in a similar position. So unhappy, always being shouted at, enviable life from the outside.

It's so much better now. I don't care at all that my house is smaller or that my lifestyle is less extravagant. I'm so much happier and in control of everything I want to be in control of. I'm also doing so much better in my professional life.

Good luck

The only way you fail is if you continue living in this nightmare and subjecting your daughter to it. You can afford to leave so you must do that. Is the house in joint names? Is there a mortgage outstanding on it? Your family will just be happy you and your DD are safe. Get some real life support from them.

I remember the shame, it is one of the reasons I stayed when I should have just left as well. Leaving was hard, letting other people help me was hard but now, just a few years later my daughters are so much happily, we have a wonderful home, my new partner treats all three of us like queens and we have a lovely life. Starting again feels daunting, but when it comes to it, you do it. You cope and you learn to enjoy things again.

Fair enough if you're too embarrassed to leave but your poor daughter doesn't have a choice does she? She's being abused by this man and you're supposed to be her protector! Leave for her sake, she'll thank you later!!!

I would find out how to legally force sale of the house and take the steps necessary to do that.

As soon as he finds out and the threats start call the police 999 - whether it is because he is terrifying you or threatening to kill himself. I would speak to your local police domestic incident team and get your house and phone numbers flagged.

Please for you and the DC please end it and get him out whilst the house sells.

It sounds pretty clear that you've made the decision. That's the hard part. The next bit is just working out logistics.

Speak to a lawyer, find a reliable one you trust.
Make a plan, enlist other people you can trust.
Take it one step at a time.

All the best, OP. Be kind to yourself, this is so horribly difficult - I won't pretend it isn't - but so, so worth it. Life is unrecognisably different on the other side. I promise. You and your daughter can start again.

I think you know you have to leave, you need to tell one person and then telling other people will be easier and the bonus in this is you will have real life support.
Also, crucial that you contact Women’s Aid to support you and give you the tools to navigate the split.

About the house. I think you will be advised to put this in the hands of a solicitor, this will preserve your sanity and also will be done legally so you don’t end up in default.

He will have 2 options, buy you out or sell.
The solicitor can negotiate with him. If he doesn’t pay the mortgage and the lender repossesses so be it.

You might need to accept that the cost of the relationship is 60k monetary wise, but the cost to your health and well-being will be much higher if you don’t leave.

Good luck.

I remember feeling paralysed too, and fearing being 'exposed' as a failure. A line from the song 'Graceland' stayed with me at that time:
'And she said, "losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow'...

But everybody will see you rise again too, and will respect and admire you for it.

E-mail Women's Aid. Ask for their support.

Find a solicitor and talk about your financial situation. You may hear advice that gives you hope.

Ignore all of your P's manipulative talk. Words are cheap. If he threatens suicide call the police. If he threatens violence, call the police.

Are you able to get out of the house at all?
Does your P leave the house ever?
Can you start putting important documents together, maybe pretend you are putting a donation box together with winter clothes and coats and footwear in it and drop it at a relative's house?
'Cull your bookshelves' for a 'charity shop run'?
'Clear clutter' and pack away sentimental items?

RandomMess has good advice.
You can force a sale.
Make sure the house you own on your own is protected from any financial settlement. You are lucky that you're not legally wed.

(When you are out of there and free, contact the woman whose son is also being dragged through this. She may need a witness to the abuse in order to put a stop to contact for her child. She should try to get a guardian ad litem appointed.)

I admire you for posting this, and people will admire you for breaking out of this trap and rescuing your child and yourself from misery and danger to live a safe, happy and free life.

Think of leaving like childbirth or an entrance exam: maybe a bit painful and stressful and probably messy too, but pretty short lived and such a very good investment for what comes after.

Sorry you feel ''ashamed'' by wanting to rid yourself of this dreadful man! Your desire and longing is to be free of him - that seems logical! What you should worry about is how to make the break safely for yourself and the children. But don't annoy your partner because he may be dangerous. Try to keep thing going as best as possible on the emotional front as far as he is concerned. Make a day by day plan of thing ''to do'' to help you move towards your goal without him finding out. I think you need to speak to someone professional about the best way to ensure you're not burden by the mortgage - probably a divorce solicitor. Once you know how you will stand regarding the mortgage - move as quickly as possible. The whole divorce process does take 2 years but I understand that may be reduced soon to 6 months with new legislation. Best wishes.

YOU CAN DO THIS.
One step at a time.
There is fab advice on here, please use it. We are all behind you every step of the way.
HE should be ashamed and you have absolutely nothing at all to be ashamed of. You are going to do what is best for you and you DD. Be proud, be proud already.

It doesn’t matter what your life looks like to other people - at the end of the day no one cares that much! You’re the one who closes the door each night and lives your life. Leave for your sake but most of all your daughter’s.

Please get out of this relationship and show your daughter what behaviour she shouldn't accept from a partner in the future, by staying you are just telling her to put up and shut up.

If you feel ashamed to leave him for yourself then leave for your daughter and show her that if you are in a situation that isn't healthy, safe or that is making you unhappy then you can do something about it.

I wish you lots of luck and look forward to seeing a post from you saying that you have left him.

YOU can do this, for your daughter and for yourself.

Get your ducks in a row! Pronto,

Speak to a solicitor and find out what your legal position is.

IT HONESTLY does not matter what other people think but the reality is that maybe people can already see the cracks in your 'relationship'. Maybe people can see you are not happy, and many will breathe a sigh of relief when you make your move.

Once you are safely out, please do tell your partner's child's mum that there are serious problems with the way he behaves.

Please talk to women's aid. Keep your plans a secret, make sure you have all your legal documents and belongings. You do not need to explain everything to him if it is unsafe to tell him home truths.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

PLEASE remember you are not in the wrong. He is in the wrong and by staying with him and pretending all is well you are allowing him to do that. I understand why, you are scared. Please find your courage and make your plans.

You might need to accept that the cost of the relationship is 60k monetary wise, but the cost to your health and well-being will be much higher if you don’t leave.

Yes, this.

I also agree that your stepson needs help, too. Can you and his mother work together, at all?

Well done for posting here OP and for recognising the situation you are in. That's the first step and the most important one. Please don't worry about what other people think. I'm a successful professional woman too and for years I was a victim of domestic abuse. Believe me, it's wonderful when you're out and free from it. Make your plans. Tell someone IRL. Life will be so so so much better 💐💐💐

I think you're fear is making you overstate the importance of how other people would feel about you leaving him. Nobody who really loves you would want you to stay with a bully absolutely this. My niece, who is more like a daughter, stayed in an awful relationship for years longer than she should have. When she eventually took the decision to leave, she was so embarrassed and scared to tell us because she thought we would think she was doing the wrong thing. We always got along with and liked her partner, but absolutely believed and supported her when she told us what was happening behind closed doors.

Thank heavens you don't have children with this man. You can have a clean break and get on with your life. Even if you can cope with him, do it for your daughter - she only gets one childhood.

It is not failing to leave a horrible situation, it is much easier to put your head in the sand and carry on. Your brave if you leave and braver still because you’d be protecting your daughter. The financial stuff is secondary to everything else.

The shame is all on him OP, all on him
You deserve to be free of this toxic dysfunctional situation, this is not your destiny, there is a better life for you

You need to leave before the damage being caused to your daughter is too great to overcome. Don't put your 'embarrassment' or shame above that. This is her 'normal' This is what she's been taught a relationship is/looks like.
If, for no one else, do it for her.