What have you sacrificed to send your children to independent school?

[cheeseismydownfall]

DH and I are considering this for secondary, having made some rushed decisions in difficult circumstances that has led us to being in catchment for a pretty underwhelming secondary school. Eldest is in Y7 and it isn't working out very well for him. Two younger children in Y5 and Y3 - obviously if we go the independent route it will need to be for all three of them.

We've run the numbers and for three children it is a pretty eye-watering number (all the independents locally are £15k+ a year). It is just about affordable but would mean a significant change in lifestyle and much later retirement (we were planning to start winding down in late 50s - it would mean working for another 10 years and would need to stop overpaying on our mortgage).

My biggest worry is that if our circumstances changed we would have very little cushion in terms of taking a drop in income. It is such a massive commitment.

I'd be interested to hear from others that have faced a similar decision. If you can comfortably afford the fees or have children at an amazing state school this probably isn't the thread for you!

I also agree that uniform and trips are not a big deal at most schools. DS's uniform is no more expensive than at the local grammar school, and actually you can get quite a lot of it in Asda or wherever if you want, you don't have to use the school supplier - also the second hand shop is incredibly well stocked and very well used. Trips are expensive, but no more than at the grammars (there are probably more of them, but plenty of people don't go on that many).

With the extra curricular stuff, it's the convenience as well as the range of activities that's an advantage. We both work full time and have rubbish public transport near us, so having a school that can provide all we could want in terms of sport, drama and music, six days a week, without us having to do any ferrying about is a massive advantage. Because the school has boarders, it's also very well set up for wraparound provision - there's always somewhere for the kids to hang out from about 7am-7pm if necessary. Not that DS does that often of course, but knowing that if there's a concert for example, the school will encourage him to do it, help him prepare for it, then on the day he can hang about after school for a bit in the common room, find a rehearsal room to do a bit of practice in (and probably a music teacher to chat to and help him if he feels like it), and have some dinner so he doesn't need to faff about coming home in between, is incredibly helpful. There's the practical aspect of that, but also a more nebulous sense that what you 'get' for your money is the school basically taking responsibility for ensuring that your child has a rich, rounded and rewarding education, not just a clutch of 8s and 9s at the end of it. That doesn't mean we aren't also responsible and involved - we definitely are - but there's a big emphasis on the school and the pupil designing and managing the pupil's own education between them, which I love.

Would you consider living on the money you would have after paying school fees for a coup!e of months to see what it's like?

Have sent 4 children to private schools (London area) from 11-18
We are on the last child, only a couple of years left. I never think of what else we could have done with the money. We have a lovely home, battered cars & one holiday a year.We don't go out much in general and are not big at spending on clothes or luxuries.
I don't feel I have missed out on anything. Kids have all done well.
Our youngest has had all day school in lockdown, has done essays, assessments and exams. He & the teachers have worked really hard.
His predictions for GCSE are mostly 9's with a few 8's thrown in.
I am so pleased that he's just got on with his work, I don't have to nag him.
DH is due to retire very soon. Finding the last couple of years fees will be a challenge, we'll manage somehow I expect.

I was a child whose parents were probably in a very similar position to yourself and did sacrifice financial security to send me to private schools all the way through.

In speaking to my parents as we thought through our choices, my father's POV was thus: brilliant and academically excelling kids will excel in any school and be able to get into a Oxbridge or top uni on their own through their own sheer drive and ambitions. Where the real differentiator comes out is for those middle of the run children that are nice, not overly academic and not particularly ambitious or self driven.

I was one of those children. I do think the school carried me, surrounded me with tons of pastoral care, extra curricular activities and pulled me along to get me to be well behaved, cultured and set the "norms" of what was expected of me. That sort of guidance would not have been available in a state school.

For what this is worth, I ended up at Oxbridge, graduated with no particularly spectacular contribution, and landed in a City job because that is what everyone I knew from uni and school were doing. In all of those tracks, I was never a superstar, but my private education gave me the privilege and access to people and career tracks I would not have gotten otherwise.

Looking back, I can see how unfair the system is, especially for others that are nice but average like myself. However, now that I understand how it all works I am doing the exact same for my own children as I'm not willing to risk or make a gesture of promoting social mobility or equality out of their lives.

There are some really interesting and different perspectives on here about what people are looking for from an education. For me, I was an academic high flier and went to Oxbridge from my state school and ended up in a well paid (though not banker league) job. DH on the other hand went to a public school and then went into teaching, which he always wanted to do. From a 'return on investment' point of view you could argue that my education was much better value for money than his. But I feel that my school education was quite narrow and results-driven compared to what he's told me about his. I would love to have had the more rounded school experience that DH had, or that DS is having now.

@ottermum3 your honesty is refreshing!
Private education basically gives a leg up to the average. Which is nice for those that can pay, but as you say totally unfair to everyone else.

I find the constant claim that oh we sacrificed holidays etc for education an odd one. Where we used to live, in SW London, and where most people
I knew went private there was no shortage of feb half term ski holidays, followed by a villa in the summer and perhaps some winter sun at new year. Honestly not one family went camping or drove a clapped out car! The same is true where we now live, much more rurally. Maybe those parents aren't on MN!

Surely it would be far cheaper to move to the catchment of a good state school? At least you get your money back when you sell the house.

And, as someone who’s recently retired, you might want to rethink retiring in your 50s. It would have been way too soon for either of us.

@noxestdormienda that is interesting and I think true. Me, DH and children are all state (not grammar) educated and among us we have two Oxbridge degrees, two others and two Masters. And a PHD. One high flying job, and two just starting (the kids are in their early twenties). Mine (high flying but quite niche) went by the wayside in my thirties due to family commitments
Anyway, I ramble. Yes I think we would all have done as well academically with or without paying top dollar. But we don't have the polish and confidence we see oozing from lesser brains who've come from 'better' schools. And it's interesting that none of us followed a City route.

My DH definitely doesn't have the polish, he left school at 17 after CSE retakes and is now doing rather well in the city.

noxestdormienda I agree with you about private school being very well set up for working parents because of its all-in-one-site provision. I never had to fight for breakfast or after school clubs. It was available on demand. My ds' school has one of the most complex bus routes I have ever seen so that parents from everywhere so that parents don't have to do the school run. The school is very considerate about allowing parents to get on with their ft job of earning the cash to pay the school fees.

I wouldn't , to me it seems to be too big of a financial sacrifice for the whole family. I know from experience that if a child isn't motivated at state school , going private won't help him become motivated.
Everyone is very focused on university nowadays , what if the child isn't that way inclined ?

Three kids over a complete secondary education, that's circa 350,000 pounds right? That is a lot of money. What do you hope to be buying for that? Good connections, qualifications and job prospects? What are the 'good jobs' about for you? Your kids having a fulfilling life with interesting work or their financial security? Because financial security could be achieved by investment in a property for each of them, renting it out and giving it to them mortgage free in their twenties (and you'd achieve that for a lot less cash). Dig in to what you really want/mean by 'achieve potential' or 'have opportunities' and see if you can find it some other way. Don't assume private school equals lucrative career and happiness..
@ottermum3 parents perspective is really interesting. It assumes that enabling her to have an Oxbridge then city career track was the best thing for her. I dunno, my mates who went big five 'city pathways or other high earning city type posts are not the happiest...We are in our forties now, they are wealthy, but burnt out and a bit bored, barely see their kids. They followed that route because 'its what everyone did' . They were all able enough to choose to do any number of things, but it's quite a cultural expectation. I wouldn't say any of them found their passion. But they now have mortgages (and increasingly their own kids fees) keeping them tied to their jobs. Maybe they really do love mergers and acquisitions or SAP or whatever and they are just letting off steam or maybe it's my judgement as it looks incredibly dull to me

@Heyhih3

I would be interested to hear what jobs their child ended up doing after going to private school? The people I have come across that attended private schools are a few nurses. I’d be a bit miffed if my child went to private school to become a nurse at the end of paying for school fees.

Imagine the pressure on the child if its parents' expectations mean that it has to do exceptionally well because the money spent on its education is considered to be an "investment".

You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear.

@Ginfordinner let’s not pretend private schools do come with a certain expectation. You would hope your child does well other wise you would just send your child to a state school? Because they are not all bad schools ( state) just like private may not be as glossy either.

My friend is disappointed and also embarrassed that one of her DC works in a shoe shop, an another asked to leave university. Another DC is doing a good apprenticeship and seems happy. She's gone from being absolutely obsessed talking about her DC and their education to just sort of mumbling about them and changing the subject. I know this is an extreme example and I feel sorry for her (not because her DC aren't high flyers at the moment but because I know she's disappointed in them and she is such a lovely lady).
The DC went to state primary and then switched to private secondary. Her fourth is going to the local state secondary school where my DC went.

@Nosuchluck

My friend is disappointed and also embarrassed that one of her DC works in a shoe shop, an another asked to leave university. Another DC is doing a good apprenticeship and seems happy. She's gone from being absolutely obsessed talking about her DC and their education to just sort of mumbling about them and changing the subject. I know this is an extreme example and I feel sorry for her (not because her DC aren't high flyers at the moment but because I know she's disappointed in them and she is such a lovely lady). The DC went to state primary and then switched to private secondary. Her fourth is going to the local state secondary school where my DC went.

This is a prime example of what can happen with private schooling. As well as people being possibly more ambitious this is an added pressure for the children as well.

Neither myself or my siblings ended up in particularly high paying jobs. However, we are all anomalies amongst our friends in that respect and we are also quite passionate and have done things to a high levels in art, education and charity sectors. The main insight for me looking back is that we got into top ten unis just like that. Looking back and at my current colleagues, me in a state school would never in a million years been given the tools and confidence to get into the uni I did. And it's all about choices. We had all these choices and did what worked for us.

And yes bullying can happen, but honestly? Private schools are definitely 'nicer'. I was a sensitive kid and had a pretty nice adolescence. We've spoken to our parents about it and not only do we all have jobs, but are happy and healthy with good lives ahead of us.

For the person who said 'what if they work in in Tesco?' Well imagine what else might have happened? If the best education means they work there, then good for them! To put it bluntly and as an extreme example, my neighbours went to a seriously rough school nearby and ended up on drugs and pregnant at 16. Sure they got into a rough crowd, but thats's it isnt it. Now late 20s they're finally pulling their life around, but still. Was so much harder for them.

Everyone is different but there is a reason parents have this debate.

Just keep in mind that it's far better for mental health and self esteem to be an average family at an average school than to be poor at a rich school

I agree there may be that added pressure to private school kids, but that's then up to parents to talk to them about this and not have these expectations. If you decide to pay hundreds of thousands of pounds to send a child to a certain school, that's YOUR choice. You are doing like everything else you do as a parent and giving them all the options you can to give them choices. They then use it as works for them.

29Heyhih3 I'm really not sure what happened with my friend's DC, they got really good exam results and were and really, really good at various extra curriculum activities. They are still young, all under 26 so there's plenty of time for them to chop and change direction.
My friend was so lovely when my DC graduated from a good university.

DH and I both come from State education. We had a particular prep school recommended to us by a friend (and could easily afford it), so took a look. The school is in beautiful settings and well resourced with opportunities that don't come in State these days. It also claimed to be child centred.

In hindsight, although there are probably fewer serious disruptions than might be the case in a state school, we can see that the actual teaching is no better than in many, many state schools, and in fact the teacher only differentiates to two levels in maths, despite it being obvious that there is a greater range of ability among the children than this.

Moreover, it is clear to us that most families send their children to prep school because that is what they do: the idea of sending them to a state doesn't even cross their radar.
Although I don't think we'd remove DC from the school now because they are happy there, I question whether the academic provision is better than state.
My point is that unless you are like these families - or you really, really want independent for your child - you might forever question your choice. You have to look long and hard at the education your child will get and not see - like us - just what you want to see.

I would be interested to hear what jobs their child ended up doing after going to private school? The people I have come across that attended private schools are a few nurses. I’d be a bit miffed if my child went to private school to become a nurse at the end of paying for school fees

Everyone will have a different experience though, that's life. DD's school friends, now all graduated from various uni's are, from the top of my head: Doctors & Vets (lots), High End Consultancies in Banking, Finance, Environment, Government Agencies, Big Pharma, London Arts and Media. Pretty much all (except the Arts and Media types, but they have a great lifestyle), are relatively well paid.

You aren't buying a job for your child. You're buying teaching and an environment that will get the best from that child (if you choose well!). If you think paying for private school guarantees a clutch of As then you could be sorely disappointed.

I think ottermum's post is really interesting and accords with what I've heard from a lot of people - private schooling particularly advantages those who are middling to average. These are the kids who typically get lost in state schooling, but with extra attention and nurturing and social conditioning from private schooling they can be propelled to greater heights.

As someone who went to a fairly poor state school I saw that even the smart kids often fell through the cracks. If they'd been at a different school they'd have no doubt ended up in a City job or something creative, but as it is, they mostly work in fairly low-paid jobs. Not everyone should aspire to a City job, but it is sad that potential of any kind gets lost because of poor education.

I'm reading a really interesting book about social mobility at the moment called 'People like Us' by Hashi Mohamed, very sad stuff that shows that overwhelmingly in professions like law, journalism and politics draw from the privately educated.

My parents sent me to boarding school for 6th form. They had to remortgage the house and I think the financial pressure contributed to their divorce. I hated it, but I also had nothing to do but work, and I was very academic, so I guess in terms of outcome and university place it was worth it.