What have you sacrificed to send your children to independent school?

[cheeseismydownfall]

DH and I are considering this for secondary, having made some rushed decisions in difficult circumstances that has led us to being in catchment for a pretty underwhelming secondary school. Eldest is in Y7 and it isn't working out very well for him. Two younger children in Y5 and Y3 - obviously if we go the independent route it will need to be for all three of them.

We've run the numbers and for three children it is a pretty eye-watering number (all the independents locally are £15k+ a year). It is just about affordable but would mean a significant change in lifestyle and much later retirement (we were planning to start winding down in late 50s - it would mean working for another 10 years and would need to stop overpaying on our mortgage).

My biggest worry is that if our circumstances changed we would have very little cushion in terms of taking a drop in income. It is such a massive commitment.

I'd be interested to hear from others that have faced a similar decision. If you can comfortably afford the fees or have children at an amazing state school this probably isn't the thread for you!

@Alsohuman but if he was spoon fed, is he not the kind of kid who would've done nothing at a state school and failed anyway? At least you've given him options now.

[quote BabyLlamaZen]@Alsohuman but if he was spoon fed, is he not the kind of kid who would've done nothing at a state school and failed anyway? At least you've given him options now.[/quote]
He was spoon fed and pressurised because that’s what private schools do. A state school would probably have taught him some leaning skills and self sufficiency. Now can you please stop making excuses for an idle little bugger who pissed ££££ of our money up the wall?

Can I ask, for those of you with children in private school, will you feel the sacrifices were worth it if your kids achieve average ir mediocre results? Or is it not about grades etc? Really not judging, just interested!

You could home school all 3 kids with tutors for less money- it is v expensive!What's wrong with the secondary specifically? Agree with PP to supplement learning with private tutors and state secondary.

Alto - spot on. I never had any idea how much money some of my school friends had and it's not something the parents talked about. I think we all knew who the richest in the year was (yes she boasted, total cliche) but I could well be wrong about that as my year were from all over the world.

Yes to lack of diversity in states schools too. That was the biggest shock when I did my A' Levels actually. Class sizes were about the same at that point .

@KnobChops yes, lockdown has really opened my eyes to the huge differences in provisions. I've been horrified at the lack of input from our school and jealous as hell at the private school children of friends who still get more than our bog standard White Rose Maths and solitary weekly English link with zero marking or personalised contact with the teacher. The difference is really making me want to send dd to a private school more than anything else at the moment.You simply cannot trust this shower in govt to give state schools anything near enough to make these tough situations work.

@Alsohuman your contract was with the school not your son. You sound as though you might have made a point of him being lazy his whole life and unsurprisingly he is acting up to this reputation you have given him.

If you give someone money, you don't then get to decide how they spend it.

I had a friend who had parents that sound very like you and they, like other posters, always felt their parents weren't proud of them. It's a surefire way to make sure he has a miserable life far more than the school will have done

But hey, your son.

Remortgaging so added about 10 years more payments on.... would have finished paying mortgage off last year...

wolfgirrl I will be a bit pissed off if DD doesn’t get good grades after attending her Private school but only because she’s very academic anyway so if she doesn’t do really well in her GCSEs next year then something has gone wrong. DS is about average so I am expecting him to get average grades or more.
If the dc aren’t on track to achieve their potential I would have expected the school to have alerted us at an early stage and work with us on a plan.
However, it’s the whole experience we are paying for not just grades.

It has really overstretched me and put the whole family under a lot of pressure. I wouldn’t do it again.

It's a sweeping generalisation to say that private school students are spoon-fed. DS's school puts a lot of work into helping the kids develop independence and learning skills. One of the very reasons we chose the school was that it seems to put less emphasis on spoon-feeding for exams than the selective state schools, not more. As for whether we'd be disappointed with mediocre exam results - I honestly don't think I see it like that. Partly because we pay for the education as a whole, not for results - and partly because I have no reason to think that DS would do any better elsewhere - if his results are 'mediocre' then I very much doubt I'll think that the school is at fault and that he'd have done better at another school, based on our experience so far.

Alto: A state school would probably have taught him some leaning skills and self sufficiency.

What state school does this? Reasonably capable state school students are forced to learn self-sufficiency due to neglect. The school is busy supporting the weak students rather than supporting the bright ones. They taught themselves, not the school.

If it was my dd who is a somewhat disorganised non-disruptive middling student, she would have been forgotten in a state school and sunk like a stone, jeopardising her chances of a good university. My dd's school would have picked up on this and given her additional support. The amount of study tips the students get for each subject in her independent school would fill a small folder.

The fact that your stepson got as far as a university is due to his independent school. Your paying for his private education did what it said on the tin. I doubt he would have got so far in the state system.

You cannot change a person fundamentally by sending them private but you can give them a decent leg up.

My last post was to Alsohuman, not alto.

Thanks for clarifying blueshoes, I did wonder . Though of course it's true that there are different ways of teaching independence and resilience, and that what works for some might be disastrous for others. DS did learn a certain kind of resilience from being a bright kid in a pretty disruptive primary class. He did really well to keep his head down and get on with it, regardless of what was going on around him, but it could easily have gone the other way if he'd been a different child. Now he's learning a different kind of independence, organisation and study skills in a more deliberate way. I'm hoping the combination of the two methods will prove effective!

Alto sounds like your ds will go far. If he can get on with it in a state school, tune out disruption and figure it out himself, he is IMO an independent learner already. The independent school will turbo charge his qualities with targeted learning techniques and enable him to reach that much higher.

We remortgaged our house to send our daughter to an independent school, also had uk caravan holidays and cut our cloth to suit. It was definitely worth it.

The boys who went to single-sex schools were scared of girls well into adulthood (and many still are)

This old chestnut. So all the boys who went to single sex schools were scared of girls? Did none of them have sisters? Did they never meet anyone of the opposite sex in the holidays? Sounds like they must have had weird upbringings if they all lived in an exclusively male environment.
My ds went to a single sex school and neither he nor his friends are ‘scared’ of girls.

I'm quite surprised at the remortgaging, missing out on holidays etc. I always thought the point of having kids was to enjoy them and have a nice family life. If you're scrimping and saving to send them to private school, you must miss out on nice holidays, weekends away, treats etc.

I also wonder whether a fat house deposit would be more useful in the current climate than private school.

@Hopeforall actually I dont agree. I went to single sex school, which was twinned with a boys school. The boys dont learn to see girls as 'friends' or coworkers, only as opportunities at parties etc. It was all a bit weird and unhealthy, and some of them to this day are really misogynistic.

Partly because we pay for the education as a whole, not for results - and partly because I have no reason to think that DS would do any better elsewhere

I see this a lot but what is this 'education as a whole' thing?

It's not just the fees. The extras are also horribly high. I went to private school as did 4 generations before me. My children are in mainstream average/less than average schools. We have a nice house, big garden, take them to places on holiday where they learn about the culture and history of the country (air BnB self drive hire/villa holidays, never done package beach holiday but that's next year so they can experience it). We're paying tutors and considering a private 6th form for connections and university places. Despite what people say it's this aspect of private school that's the real game changer for pupils.

Move to a better area, invest in tutors and outside activities, A good Scouts group, music lessons and a sport are a great place to start. Instil a work ethic, courage, confidence, a respect for others, very good manners, ability to speak publicly and knowledge of etiquette into your children. Particularly table manners and customs so they can fit into all walks of life. Take them to great restaurants as well as McDonald's. Spend your resources on showing them all aspects of life and trying everything possible. This is what private schooling does and it's these skills that "knock off the edges" so to speak.

This old chestnut. So all the boys who went to single sex schools were scared of girls? Did none of them have sisters? Did they never meet anyone of the opposite sex in the holidays? Sounds like they must have had weird upbringings if they all lived in an exclusively male environment.

Not all but many (and I'm not aware of it being an 'old chestnut' at all; it's my lived experience). Some of them had sisters, some of them didn't. Holidays are a couple of weeks a year.

Whilst I was at university, there were two allegations of rape I was aware of, and one pretty nasty sexual assault that I saw myself. All three men involved were ex-all-male public school boys. I'm absolutely not saying this kind of environment breeds rapists but tbh the experience made me wary.

My ds went to a single sex school and neither he nor his friends are ‘scared’ of girls.

I'm sure your ds is lovely and adjusted around girls and women, but in my experience this is likely to be despite, not because of, his education.

A good Scouts group, music lessons and a sport are a great place to start.

I don't understand the view that some people seem to have formed that state schools do not provide extra-curricular activities. I played two sports (and went on tour to Ireland with one of them), was involved in school plays, drama club (including a residential to Austria), music lessons.

My drama teacher was one of the kindest and most committed men I ever met. They had forged links with the local BBC studios and would prevail on the drama department for a few kids whenever they needed to film a short piece. One of my English teachers was into electronic music and would bring all his kit into school on the weekend for us to play with. Brilliant times.

And this was all in what was, on paper, an under-performing comp (which, incidentally, was far more 'diverse' than the private option up the road: I grew up in a cosmopolitan city but the private school was almost entirely white and middle class.)

@Alsohuman I don't think you've been in any state schools recently? Sink or swim, basically. If he requires spoon feeding then he wouldve been left behind anyway. But it sounds like you dont really care about that. It sounds like there are other issues here.

@thedancingbear that's horrific! Most private schools these days are mixed sex anyway. I went to all girls private and I didnt know any boys.

Recently no. That’s irrelevant, the time period I’m referring to is 2001 to 2008.