What have you sacrificed to send your children to independent school?

[cheeseismydownfall]

DH and I are considering this for secondary, having made some rushed decisions in difficult circumstances that has led us to being in catchment for a pretty underwhelming secondary school. Eldest is in Y7 and it isn't working out very well for him. Two younger children in Y5 and Y3 - obviously if we go the independent route it will need to be for all three of them.

We've run the numbers and for three children it is a pretty eye-watering number (all the independents locally are £15k+ a year). It is just about affordable but would mean a significant change in lifestyle and much later retirement (we were planning to start winding down in late 50s - it would mean working for another 10 years and would need to stop overpaying on our mortgage).

My biggest worry is that if our circumstances changed we would have very little cushion in terms of taking a drop in income. It is such a massive commitment.

I'd be interested to hear from others that have faced a similar decision. If you can comfortably afford the fees or have children at an amazing state school this probably isn't the thread for you!

I would have to sacrifice all of my principles if I sent my dc to private school.

It's absolutely not worth it. The tails of misery on here - why? I went to a state school, ended up with a place at Oxbridge, in a top city law firm, and am now doing pretty well in my field. I have a child at university reading engineering, another about to start studying medicine. A third applying to cambridge. All state schools.

My children mix with all types of people, are confident, funny and well informed.

I really do not think that private school is worth it at all. But if you have to sacrifice things in order to do it? Or stay in a crap marriage? no way.

@Headshoulderskneesandtoes22

To answer your original question OP- we could buy a second home with the money it’s costing us to send DC to a private school. We don’t live in a fancy house or have fancy cars (but they are newish cars) and we don’t go on flash holidays, but we wouldn’t do any of those things even if they were at a state school. We are very comfortable. But more and more we are asking ourselves if the school fees are worth it- not in terms of smaller class sizes, better facilities and giving DC a broader education- they get all of those in bucket loads, but looking at the end goal. What added value does it give them in life? Granted Eton has produced a load of Prime ministers and top Positions in the civil service, law and medicine are occupied disproportionately by privately educated children....what does the average privately educated child do with their lives? I went to a highly selective private school on a full assisted place. All of my contemporaries (and those of my siblings who also went to different independent schools) do very average jobs and none can afford to send their DC to private schools without the help of grandparents or other inheritance. we only can due to DH (who didn’t go to a private school) salary. As time passes I’m becoming increasingly convinced that we might be better giving DC £250k aged 25 for a house deposit than paying for a lovely educational experience that sees them choose a career in teaching, nursing, Policing, hairdressing, publishing, the military low level civil service, SAHMs, ski instructors, builders.....I could go on. I’m not knocking these career choices, they are all valuable, but I don’t think any of them justify £250k in pre university education costs, especially if only one generation benefits.

Interesting angle when you put it like that some would argue £250k on a house you possibly would get a much better return long term. The job examples I agree with what your saying too.

Mine went to independent school but had a decent financial award post 11+ so it wasn't too bad. However I never thought in terms of 'sacrifice', it was our choice originally and I didn't ever want him to feel he had to be grateful for something he didn't ask for. When he was small we never even told him we paid school fees, later on he clicked on and I just said that all schools were different and we managed, nothing for him to worry about.

My reason for that attitude was because I was privately educated up until 11 when I got a free place at a GPDST school. My mother never stopped reminding me of the sacrifices she and my dad made (dad never mentioned it), and when I said, "Well I didn't ask you to!", was told how ungrateful and wicked I was.

The important thing is not to be so hard up you can never afford to buy or do anything you'd like and not put pressure on your child or children to 'do brilliantly' just because you are paying. Relax and be casual about it all. The important thing is for you and the children to be happy.

Make sure you choose a school that suits your child's personality and interests. There's nothing more demoralising than being a square peg forced into a round hole. Some schools cater for the individual really well, others expect total conformity.

Is a grammar place possible? Mine could have gone to a grammar but he was settled at the prep, had friends and we decided not to move him. However I have to say the grammar schools near me are excellent.

I suppose it's self sufficiency too, but I don't see how private school would ever make that worse

But it did. He was spoon fed and disciplined into learning. When the discipline was gone he didn’t know what to do without it. He wanted to be a commissioned officer so a degree was non negotiable. Of course self discipline isn’t an issue in that career, I suspect he’d struggle again if he did anything else.

I went to a very average comprehensive, followed by Oxbridge, and am now a partner at a city law firm.

I honestly feel that my 'choice' of school (and it was no choice at all: it was between an average comp or an abysmal one) hasn't affected me negatively to any great degree. The teachers I had, particularly at a-level, were enthusiastic and committed. I mixed with people from a range of backgrounds.

If there was something that held me back, it was coming from a family where science, literature etc (you know, all the things on the Trivial Pursuit board) weren't discussed; where there were no books worth reading; where Emmerdale would be on the telly instead of something more interesting. OP, this is something you can control that doesn't cost £15k a year.

I honestly think the supposed advantages of going 'indie' (yuck) are a bit of a red herring. Lots of my Oxbridge friends went to public schools: they are all lovely but struggle to interact properly with anyone from a 'normal' background. The boys who went to single-sex schools were scared of girls well into adulthood (and many still are).

I also tend to think that parents who have made major sacrifices in terms of retirement, relationships etc. are either horrifically misguided in their choices, or just ridiculous snobs to the point of abandoning all reason.

My colleague remortgaged her home, worked triple jobs. Her kids went to private school but seemed so pointless as they just went to the same bogstandard university my bro did.
I'd rather give my kids a huge lump sum or a house or money to travel.

thedancingbear, I haven't known any who have gone as far as that and I don't 'snobbery' has anything to do with it, they just want the best for their children. If local state schools are really good, they wouldn't go private.

It should never be a 'sacrifice'; that sounds as though rewards are expected when what they should want is for their child to be confident and content wherever they are.

I dont 'think' snobbery....

We could have afforded private but felt that state education was the better option. So we haven't made a significant financial sacrifice but we have been running around for several years, taking them places, organising out of school activities, picking them up from school at 3pm etc. It's a lot less convenient but definitely the right choice for us. They have mixed with all kinds of people, at school and in their various activities, are happy and motivated (unlike me at their age, privately educated).

We sacrificed a goat. However DD didn't get in. In hindsight I think performing the ceremony in front of the school chapel was not a great idea

I think if you are going to be disappointed if your child chooses a career in nursing then you truly have made a wasted 'sacrifice'

It should never be a 'sacrifice'; that sounds as though rewards are expected
That’s ridiculous. Parents for millennia have made sacrifices for their children, working hard to look after them and earn money to feed clothe and school them. Mine made sacrifices to send us to school. My grandparents made sacrifices to bring up their children.

No-one can answer this question for you. It so depends on what your local state options are and how your child relates to those. I don’t “regret“ a choice, but I wish I hadn’t felt I had to move private. And I tried to make my state option better! But anyway- many parents sacrifice. We have released equity, no new cars, no longer holiday abroad (probably good for my decreased carbon lifestyle not to be flying abroad so much!!) etc. It is a stress and a commitment. What I want from it? Happy children who genuinely love school & excel for that reason. Quiet classrooms of kids who similarly love school. I’ve got that.

No particular sacrifice here. If it hadn't been for school fees I wouldnt have worked as DH earns extremely well. However wanting my DC to ha e the opportunity for private education encouraged me to work so I got a job in order to pay school fees. But I absolutely adore my job and the people I work with so havent sacrificed anything, on the contrary I feel lucky as without the carrot of DC education I would have had no motivation to work .

One thing my son gained from private education was the vast cross section of society that he met at school, even though it was fairly local. It was just so much more diversity and it was taken for granted, nobody thought anything of it. It's only now, looking back, that I recognise it and see how good it was for him. Had he gone to a local grammar, the education would have been good and quite traditional but there would have been far less character and diversity.

However you have to find a school that fits a child and the child must have a say in it once they get to eleven or so, they are individuals. There's no one size fits all.

FoilWrappedSandwich: I absolutely adore my job and the people I work with so havent sacrificed anything, on the contrary I feel lucky as without the carrot of DC education I would have had no motivation to work .
....
I would have worked anyway, went back part time before son started school, gradually increased hours, but I know what you mean in a way. I loved going to work but I also like being at home on my own and if I had time off during term time I enjoyed the days alone. However I wouldn't have achieved anything, it was good for me to have a job and mix with other adults in a professional environment. Plus having your own money is great.

If we hadn't paid any school fees we'd still have been living in the same house and doing the same things, would have spent it in other ways but not really been better off. We were never particularly materialistic and always easy going with money. Therefore I would say we didn't really 'sacrifice' anything as a family.

It's normal and natural for parents to do what they can for their children, putting them first - it doesn't stop when they are no longer in education - but the children, in turn, will do their best for their kids if they have them and so it goes on. It's not just about money either.

We sacrificed a goat. However DD didn't get in. In hindsight I think performing the ceremony in front of the school chapel was not a great idea

This is interesting, thank you. Clearly the sacrifice of a goat is insufficient. People have spoken upthread about sacrificing 'cars' or 'a holiday'. I struggle to get my head around this: a car is not alive to start with, and a holiday is an abstract concept.

I wonder if anyone had tried upping the ante on other ways. For example a less-favoured sibling?

fartooskinny your mistake was the nudity, they don’t go in for that sort of thing (unless it was one of the top boarding schools of course)

Seriously though, we have no2 about to start Private Secondary and I have given up my well paid but erratic freelance work for more steady employment as with 2 at Private school it seemed like a good idea. My car is a bit old and knackered but it sits on the drive 99% of the time and DH car is fine. I can’t say we actively make sacrifices though but even if we did it would be worth it - the stats for all the schools in our area were printed in the local paper yesterday. Our closest Comprehensive is 2750 in a list of 3200 nationwide, 29th out of 34 in the whole area and has 1 out of 5 in all areas. I know stats don’t show the whole picture but I know people who work there and who have dc there and while their pastoral care is great everything else really isn’t . If we had the option of these good state schools people talk about we would have sent the dc there but sadly we don’t.

thedancingbear Sat 11-Jul-20 08:03:03
We sacrificed a goat.
..........
:-).
Was the goat a willing sacrifice and did you have a barbecue afterwards :-)?
Sorry to butt in. Had I been your neighbour I'd have climbed over the fence the night before, freed the goat, then it would have been an escapedgoat.

Do any of the private school options have good bursaries? Are any of your children likely to be able to get a scholarship?

We could have paid off our mortgage (almost there now) and bought a holiday home instead. DD went to state primary and had a great experience but the state secondary education round here just isn’t good - unless you’re religious. I’m confident the independent she has been at since year 7 will allow her to meet her potential. The differences during lockdown have been obvious, the provision has been excellent during this time.

In that sense I don't see it as a sacrifice - any more than I would see the money we spend buying our house or going on holiday or doing leisure activities as a sacrifice. It's simply the way we choose to spend the money we have available to us, to suit our own family. Im not looking to get anything 'back', except the knowledge that DS is having a wonderful education in a brilliant school, where he is happy and inspired every day.

I agree.

Perhaps the state options in our area would have been as good but it was simply our choice to spend our money on private education for the dcs rather than using the state education provision that our substantial taxes had already paid for. It is a 'sacrifice' in that I had to pick a high paying ft job but I agree with jessstan2 and foilwrappedbacon that paying school fees was a motivating factor to push myself ahead in my career rather than sink into a pt non-job. We also moved to a more expensive area to be nearer the dcs' fee-paying schools. At the end of this, the dcs get IMO a better more rounded education alongside the children of parents who have made similar 'sacrifices'. Dcs get their university paid for (hey, it is actually less expensive for us to fund their university than private school and we are so used to paying school fees and so just keep paying for university) and a bigger inheritance. dh and I retire on higher salaries with a bigger pension, although that retirement is going to be at 65, rather than in our 50s by the time this is over.

All in, it is a higher octane life that started when we chose to climb the private education financial rockface, but we knew that and did it anyway because an easy life for dh and I would not have benefited our dc as much in the longer term. As parents, it is what parents do. I appreciate I am fortunate to have the choice of a higher paying career but it has not been without close calls and many many soul-destroying job interviews and positioning myself to get here.

I get the impression that some parents of state-schooled dcs are comparing our dcs to theirs and feel vindicated by their perfectly valid choice [or not] to send their own dcs to state schools because my dcs do not do as well academically or end up in the same uni or job. Dd is pretty average academically but is also quite reserved by nature. I am glad to give her a longer ramp up time in a relatively sheltered and better pastoral academic setting to find her feet and identity. She may very well not earn as much as her state school peers but I get comfort as a mother she is safe and nurtured on the way. That is what I feel the school fees pay for, not just academics.

Thank you so much for starting this thread op. I have found it so interesting and informative. I have loved reading all the posters comments.

I really feel that you need to investigate more and then decide on YOUR mindset. Please don’t be ‘wishy washy’ about what you want for your children. I am very interested and invested in education. The points posters have brought up, are excellent. Conclusions that I would never have achieved my own.

I can only advise. Research, research, research. Visit the school (taking your child with you). See how it feels. Are the staff receptive to your questions? Ask the school if you may talk to some parents with similar aged children that attend the school. Think and discuss ( I’m sorry, I do not intend to be rude and am certainly not insinuating you have not done this). What would be your ideal educational experience for your child and what their ideal school experience would be.

I wish you all, the best of luck. In my experience. My mother was a very experienced teacher and I am currently an LSA in a school ( I have a degree in early years, children aged 0-8 years, but due to circumstances at home, I am unable to do my teacher training at present).

Due to my current circumstances I cannot finance my child to attend privately (they have no siblings). It upsets me because I know that they would thrive in a smaller class and without the low level disruption that so frequently stops the teacher from teaching). This has been proven to me as I am a key worker and my child has to be in my bubble, maximum 12 children a day. We are only permitted to do the home learning that every child receives, for an hour) and benefit from a more diverse curriculum. I really, really try my best.

I work as an LSA at their school (I feel the school is really good and love working with the children and staff there) which allows me to keep up to date about changes they propose and enables me to put ideas forward about change (I sound like a right idiot now, I promise my opinions are well received without eye rolling ) I have the ‘Doodle’ app on the iPad, which we do together every night. I have called today to get my child assessed for Kip McGrath. We have an assessment on Monday. We have worked so hard and I really don’t want my child’s progress to be stagnant or indeed regress!

I really feel that the whole ethos of a good private school makes the child attending proud to be learning and proud of their achievements. The extra curricular activities let the child experience what they may enjoy.

Sorry to bore on, final point! I really believe that your children will be able to meet other children that have a passion and hunger for learning and gaining knowledge. I expect that the children in their school have varied, interesting lives. This enables social networking (children and parents) which I have never found to be a detrimental component.

In my eyes, knowledge is power (sorry to use this phrase but I truly believe that power gives you choices, gives you a confidence and competence and teaches you that, yes you worked hard and thus you deserve a great outcome).

I give as much as I can (mentally, physically and financially) to assist my child in their education. They still have fun and enjoy life however I am always mindful of ensuring that educational standards don’t slip.

If I had the finances (and of corse if I was happy with the private school) my child would be being educated privately.

My kid is in a class of 12. State school. Not uk. You get what you vote for.

As for the stigma, we actually find we get it a bit both ways. A bit of 'private school, you must be really posh' and also a bit of 'you're not really posh/rich enough for a school like that'. The latter is always from others who are wealthier than us but who can't afford private because of lifestyle choices or have chosen not to do it for whatever reason. We haven't had that at all from other parents at the independent school, even though a lot of the parents are far, far wealthier than us. I've also had quite a few pointed 'oh, we just wanted our kids to go to a more socially mixed school' comments, which is ironic coming from those who have paid a fortune for prep schools or tutors to get their kids into the state grammars...