What have you sacrificed to send your children to independent school?

[cheeseismydownfall]

DH and I are considering this for secondary, having made some rushed decisions in difficult circumstances that has led us to being in catchment for a pretty underwhelming secondary school. Eldest is in Y7 and it isn't working out very well for him. Two younger children in Y5 and Y3 - obviously if we go the independent route it will need to be for all three of them.

We've run the numbers and for three children it is a pretty eye-watering number (all the independents locally are £15k+ a year). It is just about affordable but would mean a significant change in lifestyle and much later retirement (we were planning to start winding down in late 50s - it would mean working for another 10 years and would need to stop overpaying on our mortgage).

My biggest worry is that if our circumstances changed we would have very little cushion in terms of taking a drop in income. It is such a massive commitment.

I'd be interested to hear from others that have faced a similar decision. If you can comfortably afford the fees or have children at an amazing state school this probably isn't the thread for you!

I don’t plan to send them on half term ski trips either! They will just have to miss out, I shall tell them if it matters so much they will have to save hard as an adult to take themselves there and get ski lessons.

As for the move into a catchment of a good state school argument.
First find one of these good state schools, then hope that it suits your child. Then find a suitable and affordable house close enough to absolutely guarantee you a place. Then hope it has a place for your child (if an in year transfer). Then hope there is a space for any following siblings and that the catchment area hasn’t changed by the time they go
Due to when we bought our house it’s worth a heck of a lot more than we paid and we don’t have a huge mortgage, which hasn’t got long left anyway. In order to buy this mythical house next to this mythical school we would have to either downsize or take a bigger mortgage.
We reckon it will cost around £150k to put our 2 through Private school, moving house would cost more, plus we actually love living where we do

The amount of physical activity and the quality of the school meals mean there isn't a single overweight kid in DS's school. They sit family style with the preprep kids and chat to them, remind them of table manners and encourage them to eat their veg etc. The difference in the school lunches is night and day. You only have to look at the children to see the difference. It shouldn't exist but it does.

My tuppence worth - save the money and get them to a good uni. I went to a rubbish state school, but as I had a really supportive and encouraging family I ended up going to Oxford, and loved it.

My husband went to private school, and as boys often don't reach their peak until their late teens, he didn't do that well (his words - not mine!). It was only when he got to uni that he really blossomed.

@Wolfsony

The amount of physical activity and the quality of the school meals mean there isn't a single overweight kid in DS's school. They sit family style with the preprep kids and chat to them, remind them of table manners and encourage them to eat their veg etc. The difference in the school lunches is night and day. You only have to look at the children to see the difference. It shouldn't exist but it does.

Have you looked at every child’s weight? Weight usually is based on your family genes! I’m sure there will be a range of children with various different weights. I find it hard to believe.

I know what posters mean when they have said arrogance comes from the home.

Of course the amount and quality of what you eats affects your weight. As does the amount of exercise you get which for kids in a prep is loads more. How is that arrogant?

I do a job I don’t like to pay my eldest’s private school fees. He is dyspraxic, has autistic traits and is very intelligent. The small class sizes and nurturing teachers have enabled him to blossom in a way that wouldn’t be possible in a state school. I used to be a secondary school teacher and I know exactly what was on offer in our local area...

We’ve made massive sacrifices including no holidays and both my husband and I working around each other ( so less quality time). I don’t think my child would have coped in education otherwise so I see it as an essential expense rather than a luxury.

Really, I’m against private schools politically but I needed to pay to get my son into a situation where his needs are met. All children should have this though.

OP read all your posts back to yourself

You would be stretched
You would be anxious about the long term affordability
It would have a significant effect on you ability to afford other things
You would have to retire later
You have no cushion against illness, unemployment, divorce, death or any other kind of shit luck
The independents near you are only OK. It has clubs but your child probably wouldn’t go to them.
Your ds’s current school is OK. The behaviour is OK. They are capable of supporting children to achieve excellent results.
Your ds doesn’t want to do sport or drama after school anyway.
Your ds can currently walk to school
Your ds is unmotivated. Will an independent motivate him? Will a move to another state school?
If it’s about grades, by how much do you think an independent would raise his grades by. Would a tutor do the same job?
Is it social? Is the expense worth the engineered environment? Can he just remind his siblings of their table manners at family style meals at home for free?

In went private and unlike The OP and PP I cruised through secondary being spoon fed in my small class of academically selected peers but Uni was such a shock to the system I failed my first year and had to repeat. I wouldn’t choose private unless it was to meet a very specific need. (Average and unmotivated is not a specific need). My dc2 and dc3 are both “invisible middle” children and it is hard work to motivate them sometimes but their expectations come primarily from home, not school. The biggest influence on educational achievement is parents and your child has a mother who cares about his education and is in a school that can achieve excellent results.

I would save your money and provide tuition if and when needed and fun days out and family time and I would make my expectations on their “motivation” very clear. Confidence can come from actually achieving things and experiencing things as well as shaking a teachers hand and you could redirect that money into activities that instil confidence and a sense of achievement.
I live in an uninspiring area with an arty child and while there is no formal “art club” at school she is allowed in the art room at lunchtime and after school and is well supported by the art department. There is a bit of an expectation that if they want to do something then they just do it. If you want to play a board game or chess then you do it, you don’t just lament that there isn’t a board game club or a chess club. You want to do a sport at lunchtime - borrow the equipment from the pe department and crack on. My ds plays badminton twice a week. There is no “badminton club”. He also has a weekly poker game but their is (understandably!) no “gambling club”.

@Wolfsony

The amount of physical activity and the quality of the school meals mean there isn't a single overweight kid in DS's school. They sit family style with the preprep kids and chat to them, remind them of table manners and encourage them to eat their veg etc. The difference in the school lunches is night and day. You only have to look at the children to see the difference. It shouldn't exist but it does.

This is a daft observation!

A) they're only in school for one meal for weekdays with long holidays inbetween

B) obesity is multifactorial - having parents who pay for your education does not mitigate all negative factors

C) how I choose my children's school is not based on the weight of their classmates

D) i have so many things to say I cba to list them anymore

What today's parents sacrifice can be quite different to what parents do so currently and have given up in the past. Housing and fees, which have some interconnection, have risen well above wage/goods inflation and are likely continue to do so. Less people have final salary pensions.

Aside from ongoing lifestyle sacrifices that you're happy will not diminish your family life quality, how about retirement?

For 3 children Y3, Y5 and Y7 starting the next academic year, with senior fee jumps and including university, you are looking at £700+k over the next 14 years. In a pension it is worth over a million - may not be needed, but consider what that means to you personally and your family in later life.

My kids are currently 22 months and one on way. Where we live the State primary’s are decent so would just be secondary. For me it would probably mean sacrificing my sanity and going back to a role I had pre-kids which affected my physical and mental health terribly. However, it would mean I could pay their school fees twice over for the two of them.

Will just have to see where things stand closer to the time to decide what’s best to do. DH could get promoted between now and then - 1 rung promotion would mean 1 set of school fees paid, 2 rungs of promotion (which not sure he wants) would pay for both. Or we might get inheritance which would cover it.

But if I had to go back to my old role it would be one hell of a sacrifice.

Luxury holidays, new car, home improvements. Accumulating capital for old age to some extent.

Private school is good but there is a stigma that the children will have to bare as well.

What stigma will they have to bear?

@EmpressoftheMundane

Luxury holidays, new car, home improvements. Accumulating capital for old age to some extent.

Private school is good but there is a stigma that the children will have to bare as well.

I get this. It’s pretty clear of this thread that a few people hold grudges against you for going to private.

I’ve had it off family and friends too.

It's true that at least one poster who was privately educated herself said that it gave average students a leg up they wouldn't have had in the state system. Is that what you mean?
I found that a refreshingly honest take.

A friend is sending hers to the same indie we went to by selling her inherited grandparent's house. She intends to pay the whole lot in one go upfront for a discount. She has lived from it as rental income for a few years and now wants to work again while her partner has been able to take a job he enjoyed rather than the highest salary with a big commute. We've had long discussions about it because she wants hers to weekly board. The school is about 1.5hrs from where she now lives but as she says the clubs available are far more diverse than she could ferry them to in a week locally. The GCSE and A'Level options are huge - they have a choice of something like 35 subjects apparently (!) and they do get better results than the local grammar alongside smaller class sizes and less academic pressure - from what her friends who have kids at the grammar near her say anyway!

I can see where she is coming from to be honest and I do often wish I could give dd the same choices I had. I had a tough childhood which was how I ended up as a boarder, rather than particular parental choice. I know dd would flourish and make much better use of the facilities and opportunities than I did because I didn't really want to be there at the time! I wouldn't send her for Primary though, especially for boarding.

@EmpressoftheMundane

Luxury holidays, new car, home improvements. Accumulating capital for old age to some extent.

Private school is good but there is a stigma that the children will have to bare as well.

It’s true. Pros and cons to everything in life.

And huge yes to the stigma. I have a friend's husband who calls me "silver spoon" got teased for my accent all through my late teens/20's. People seem to assume you only get good grades at a private school because you went to a private school; somehow it's less "hard work" or something

[quote labyrinthloafer]@Evelefteden

Yes, that is coaching, that is exactly what I am referring to.

It doesn't make the children better educated, it makes them better at answering 11-plus questions.

That's fine if that's what parents want.

There are plenty of people at great universities who are not doing so well once the spoonfeeding ends.

But if you said to me this person got three AAAs at private school, this person got three AAAs at a good state school and this person got three AAAs at a struggling state school, I would see that as suggesting different levels of personal ability and motivation.[/quote]
No TheoneandObi

Some people think that private education isn’t really an education it’s just coaching and that if a state child gets AAA it means more than if a private Ed child gets AAA

@JeSuisPoulet

And huge yes to the stigma. I have a friend's husband who calls me "silver spoon" got teased for my accent all through my late teens/20's. People seem to assume you only get good grades at a private school because you went to a private school; somehow it's less "hard work" or something

I agree. Some of my family purposely strike a conversation up with dd2 just to hear her accent which is only slightly different to theirs - then cue the eye roll to other family members when they think I’m not looking.

And yes private exams are not as hard as state ones blah blah - obviously it doesn’t count if you’ve not had to struggle with 32 kids in your class.

@Evelefteden I don't get your issue, this is not controversial, they have longer teaching hours and smaller classes.

I went to private school. I did long days, plus Saturdays, in small classes.

@JeSuisPoulet gosh tough. Try being the well spoken bright kid in a comp! I was and so were my children. We coped, we thrived, we achieved. Goodness, accept that you had a huge advantage by being privately educated. Why else do parents throw so many thousands at it, sacrificing so much as everyone here says? You pays your money and all that!

I do accept I had an advantage being there with smaller class sizes, certainly. I did go to a comp for my A' Levels, so I do understand the advantages. But how is paying for extra private tutors giving your child 1:1 any different; surely it's worse! You don't get people going around for the rest of their lives suggesting they didn't work as hard because they had tutoring for years of their schooling. Ditto for people with posh accents at comp - chances are you had parents who helped with homework, showed an interest in your work etc. Many people don't, including a fair few at boarding school.

@JeSuisPoulet I can't comment much on tutors because we didn't use any. I don't think using a maths tutor for a term or two though is really comparable with tens of thousands spent on private school across all subjects.
And yes absolutely my children were fortunate to have PhD and degree level parents with good jobs. But there are plenty of those in independents too who are ALSO getting the advantage of said small class sizes etc etc. Yes you'll throw up examples if parents who've sacrificed and I'm sure that's very laudable but come on: most are just well off or have parents who help. I have lived among them so know. I also (shoot me - moment of madness attended a few open days when eldest was in year 5, and I can tell you the cars drawing up at the gates of Hampton Boys were not old bangers!

There are people who have tutors here from Y2 of Primary for the Kent Test. They certainly don't drive old bangers and have no intention of sacrificing a thing to send their child private when they can put them through the wringer at the local grammar free.

I'm not sure how your posts are helping on a "what do parents sacrifice..." thread though. Seems you just wanted to remind me people like you will always judge people who went private, which was my point.