I did something very stupid at work.

[SamSah]

Very stupid.

I started a new job around a year ago, just above an entry level position. 6 months later I slept with one of the very senior managers. Very senior. Probably my bosses bosses bosses boss if I was to map it out. Neither of us married but he made it very clear it would have to be kept quiet as it could hurt his chances of promotion to the board.

Since then I have been completely frozen out at work. Not by other people but by him. For example:

I was told by my manager I no longer needed to attend a weekly meeting he chairs. She didn't know why was just acting on instruction from her manager.

If I need to email him about anything, he will forward to someone else to deal with (things he would usually deal with himself)

He goes to other people to ask questions which he should be asking me. They then come to me and say x asked me this today but I think it's your domain isn't it. I then have to give them the info to give to him.

Any email chain we are in together he won't reply to. Or will reply separately to someone else not the group email.

People have mentioned how weird it is that he never comes down to our department anymore, obviously whilst he was trying to get me to shag him he was coming down all the time. I didn't know that wasn't 'normal' behaviour as i'd only just started.

My manager suggested me for a project but came back a few days later and said someone else had been asked. She was really surprised and asked me 4 weeks ago if something was going.

I'm going to have to find a new job aren't I? I'm not saying at all that I was coerced here. i was fully involved and probably flirted with him as much as he did with me. I was hoping or expecting we could just be grown up about it and not let it get in the way of work. Obviously he is trying to freeze me out as much as he can without actively making it obvious

But he is making it obvious and it is a form of bullying in my opinion.

This is frustrating. Yes you both made a mistake but as adults it’s a shame he can’t separate personal from professional. If you feel it will hamper your career then yes, you might have to look elsewhere. How annoying for you. Good luck op.

Fairly sure it’s a form of harassment

Wow. He is not being subtle at all, is he? Unfortunately you both made a stupid decision, but due to your different positions, the repercussions will be on you far more than him. It's unfair, and he's behaving so unprofessionally, but I can't see a situation where you can continue happily in this role and not have your career development/progression impacted.

Honestly, if it were me, I would be looking for another job asap. Sorry op.

(just want to add that in an ideal world, you would be able to call out his behaviour and he would have to face consequences. But in reality, I can't see that happening.)

You need to get a HR lawyer.

You are being bullied at work.

I am looking for another job. Not the ideal time obviously.

The thing about it being obvious is that because it is filtering down through so many people, it isn't obvious it is coming from him. I notice because it's so bloody obvious but not to other people.

I think he's terrified I'm going to tell someone and ruin his promotion so he's hoping if he freezes me out i'll just leave of my own accord.

Oh and btw, You didn’t do anything stupid at work.

You had a consensual adult relationship, and he’s making your working life impossible.

If anyone’s doing something stupid at work, it’s him, NOT you.

Get representation. Talk to your union, and lodge a grievance with the HR department.

If you lose your job for not getting good assessments because you’re being excluded from emails, and not getting replies, and being frozen out, you can sue for unfair dismissal.

Get a HR lawyer if you’re not in a union.
You have a genuine grievance, and he needs to modify his behaviour.

On the very few occasions that we have been in the same room as each other, he's been perfectly pleasant. All of the stuff I have detailed above could easily be explained away. There isn't a 'smoking gun' to take to HR for bullying as far as I can see.

@NellGwynsPenguin, that is exactly why I posted this today. I phoned someone to today re something else and they told me they were already working on it. I asked them why and they said oh xxx asked me to, he called me this morning about it.

It is something I should be doing and had already started!

You need to go to your HR department this, don't look for a new job in this precarious market. He's trying to bullying you out of your role. Don't end up jobless because he's looking out for himself, it was consensual so don't shoulder the brunt of it. Talk to your union if you have one.

Speak to a lawyer. This sounds like sex discrimination.

Do you still have a channel to speak verbally to him outside of work? Could you say, I'm have no intention of saying anything about what but I need you to stop freezing me out of my job. Hint that it will become an issue if he doesn't start acting grown up?? Too high risk?

Well, he's a prize cunt isn't he?

Personally I would be speaking to him outside work and pointing out he's being a twat; failing which I'd tell people the truth when they commented/asked. He only has this power over you because of a shared secret - get rid of the secret and it no longer has any power. However, I understand why you don't want to do either of those things.

No practical advice, but you did nothing stupid. The little baby who is bullying you is stupid, because people are noticing and at some point they are going to add it up correctly...

You need to speak to him and point out he's making it blatant to everyone, and he's bullying you at work.

Even better do it through HR.

What a prick he is

You were both single and slept together - in an ideal world your private life should have nothing to do with your job.

It sounds like he's panicking and trying to cover his tracks somehow, but he's inadvertently making it even more obvious.

Not to drip feed, but he checked my fucking phone to make sure all our messages were deleted. Seriously.

How I didn't see the red flags at that point I don't know.

I have two messages saved from him and thats it. Most of them were on snapchat so not saveable. I could call him outside work and tell him he's being a prick. It's an option. Would rather just get on and pretend it never fucking happened. I'm more likely to tell someone now he's acting like this than I would have if he'd just been normal

@SamSah persistent exclusion is bullying.
Get a lawyer, you need one.

Ask your coworker to send you on the emails he’s excluding you from.

Lodge that grievance in written form for your HR department.
You do have a bullying case.

Assert your employment rights and don’t let that lothario derail your career. He’s the one who’s behaving badly.. you’ve done nothing wrong.

For a position just above entry level, you seem to have had an awful lot of contact with a very senior person. Do entry level employees normally email their boss’s boss’s boss’s boss about day-to-day matters? And expect to have regular meetings and email chains with that person?

It’s not about proving you had a relationship, it’s about proving the exclusion of you from the emails and meetings.

Prove you’ve been systemically excluded by him and bingo you have him bang to rights!

You don’t need to prove you’ve shagged him, with text messages or whatever, that’s private, you’re both adults, and it’s no business of the company.

What is the business of the company is that you are not being included by him in the email lists and your work KPIs may be affected by his persistent exclusion and freeze out of you by him from both meetings and group emails.

Prove that and you have them by the balls.

You need to get boxing clever about this. Get a HR lawyer.

I think you need to have a word with him as a starting point and escalate as needed

Once you have a new job, perhaps you'd have an exit interview with HR?

No, it was a great place to work, loved it here, felt there were many things I could do to improve productivity.

Nah, I'm leaving because x doesn't want me here since I stopped sleeping with him.

Keep a diary, document every incident no matter how small.
Each thing may be minor but when they add up they should show a pattern that you can take to HR

Firstly, bear in mind that 99% of the HR advice on MN is based on wishful thinking, not actual employment law.

Go to your HR dept and tell them what you have put in your OP. Make (or at least confirm) the meeting with HR in writing and tell them - in writing - that it relates to possible discrimination. You need an audit trail that will make it difficult to sack you, even though you have less than two years' service.

What an arsehole.

Get yourself to HR. Fuck that, don’t let him treat you like this.