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Original poster

I did something very stupid at work.

129 replies

SamSah · 29/06/2020 16:57

Very stupid.

I started a new job around a year ago, just above an entry level position. 6 months later I slept with one of the very senior managers. Very senior. Probably my bosses bosses bosses boss if I was to map it out. Neither of us married but he made it very clear it would have to be kept quiet as it could hurt his chances of promotion to the board.

Since then I have been completely frozen out at work. Not by other people but by him. For example:

I was told by my manager I no longer needed to attend a weekly meeting he chairs. She didn't know why was just acting on instruction from her manager.

If I need to email him about anything, he will forward to someone else to deal with (things he would usually deal with himself)

He goes to other people to ask questions which he should be asking me. They then come to me and say x asked me this today but I think it's your domain isn't it. I then have to give them the info to give to him.

Any email chain we are in together he won't reply to. Or will reply separately to someone else not the group email.

People have mentioned how weird it is that he never comes down to our department anymore, obviously whilst he was trying to get me to shag him he was coming down all the time. I didn't know that wasn't 'normal' behaviour as i'd only just started.

My manager suggested me for a project but came back a few days later and said someone else had been asked. She was really surprised and asked me 4 weeks ago if something was going.

I'm going to have to find a new job aren't I? I'm not saying at all that I was coerced here. i was fully involved and probably flirted with him as much as he did with me. I was hoping or expecting we could just be grown up about it and not let it get in the way of work. Obviously he is trying to freeze me out as much as he can without actively making it obvious

OP posts:

Justaboy · 29/06/2020 18:28

I think he's terrified I'm going to tell someone and ruin his promotion so he's hoping if he freezes me out i'll just leave of my own accord.

This..

Hes probally shitting himself about what happened. OK if say your 20 somehting and he's what 50 odd well I don't see anything wrong in that as long as it was both a free will meeting on either side.

But not everyone might see that thr same way espically if that age gap is a bit wider, mainly you being younger. That i can imagine if it was public knowlege may well embarass him mightly and it may be seen by his mamagment or senior directors to be a very naughty not the done thing if it came to light.

Unless of course he's a senoir politican that would be well par for the course!

Its bloody unfair on you though:(

BTW you certian he was single?, just asking..

TooTrueToBeGood · 29/06/2020 18:29

If anyone honestly believes the HR department will resolve this in the OP's favour then you probably believe in the tooth fairy as well. She's a junior member of staff with a year of service, he's an SVP or thereabouts. She cannot prove they had sex. She cannot prove he's been freezing her out unless a number of her colleagues back her up and that just won't happen. As a PP said, HR are not there to champion employees against injustice. They are there to protect the company (and it's management) and as soon as they suss she has no provable case they'll take no further action.

BlusteryLake · 29/06/2020 18:31

Never have any form of sexual involvement with colleagues more senior than yourself. The more junior person always comes off worse, no matter what HR systems are supposed to be in place. It totally sucks but is the sad reality most of the time. I know it's too late this time but I honestly think the best thing is to move on and never do it again. You sound junior enough that you can easily justify moving jobs to your next employer.

monkeyonthetable · 29/06/2020 18:36

Get hold of him and tell him to start behaving professionally immediately and to make amends for any ways he's been holding you back or you will lodge a formal complaint against him which will have to reveal why he is freezing you out.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 29/06/2020 18:40

@SamSah

I am looking for another job. Not the ideal time obviously.

The thing about it being obvious is that because it is filtering down through so many people, it isn't obvious it is coming from him. I notice because it's so bloody obvious but not to other people.

I think he's terrified I'm going to tell someone and ruin his promotion so he's hoping if he freezes me out i'll just leave of my own accord.

I'd get another job first. Then, I think I would go and see him in his office without warning, and tape it and be very careful what I said and I would point out all of the above and ask why? What have you done wrong? Why did he used you for sex and now doesn't want you around to remind him? Explain what happened privately happened privately and you never expected anything work wise but you also didn't expect to be bullied? How is the brief sexual relationship you had -able to freeze you out? -I'd ask him all those questions -knowing I had signed a new contract and then raise a complaint with HR and give them the tape.

You won't get one over on this guy -

I'd ask him calmly but tape it. But that's me.

Untolduntolds · 29/06/2020 18:44

This is incredibly unfair, discriminatory behaviour.

OP, I put people on boards of global companies, the FTSE and Fortune 500 and I know most of the other people who do the same. If you want to, tell me his name by PM and I will make sure to “bear it in mind.” (Understatement)

KittyMcKitty · 29/06/2020 18:45

You did nothing wrong but now you need to keep quiet in case it affects his promotion meanwhile he bullies you!

Speak to HR he can’t behave like this.

KittyMcKitty · 29/06/2020 18:46

Is this not constructive dismissal?

ChaosRising · 29/06/2020 18:47

Tell him that you've moved on. Make it crystal clear that you're over him. That you think he's an arse.

Also tell him that, unless he also moves on and starts acting professionally towards you, you will (1) feel you have no choice but to look for a new job, and therefore (2) will consider a harassment/constructive dismissal claim, and (3) will make sure everyone knows what happened between you.

Viviennemary · 29/06/2020 18:49

There is absolutely no chance you will win this going through the HR route IMHO. Even if this is unfair. You could make a general complaint to your immediate manager and ask why you are being excluded from things. If he is so far above you why do you need to have anything to do with him at all. Big mistake having this sexual encounter with such a senior person and you bring so new to the company.

Eckhart · 29/06/2020 18:49

You haven't done anything stupid. It would have been fine if he'd acted like an adult about it.

Who holds the power? Ultimately, you could wreck him, but you'll ruin things for yourself too. I would just find a new job and put myself a long way away from the situation. He's very much in the wrong, but your career is at stake and he's not worth the fight. Make a new start. I don't think there's any other way to win. HR will protect management, not entry level employees who've been there a year.

You hold the power. Not over this company, but over your own career progression, and, to some extent, over him. If you feel the need to do something against him, you can. Wait until you're safely in another job first, and even then, do it in a way that only he will know it's you. Don't do anything that will make your career vulnerable.

MrsNoah2020 · 29/06/2020 18:50

@TooTrueToBeGood

HR aren't going to wave a magic wand: as you say, they are there to serve the company's interests, not the OP's. Ultimately, the OP will have to get a new job. But, at the moment, it sounds as if the tosser boss is edging her out, in preparation for firing her. As she has only been there a short while, her only protection against being fired at will is raising discrimination. Even then, if it's a big company , they will probably just pay her to go away, but at least she might have some leverage to get a bit of a settlement agreement and a decent reference, instead of being sacked.

Much sympathy, OP - you have done nothing wrong but, ultimately, you are expendable to the company and your tosser boss probably isn't.

lljkk · 29/06/2020 18:51

he is being very weird... but how is this your problem. Sorry if I'm guilty of not reading properly. Let him be a weirdo.

MrsNoah2020 · 29/06/2020 18:52

@KittyMcKitty

Is this not constructive dismissal?

Yes, but prove it. Virtually impossible with less than a year's track record and no independent corroborating evidence.

nextslideplease · 29/06/2020 18:54

jeez

OP speak to a lawyer or your union and get them to help you submit a grievance. DO NOT QUIT without a fight.

Do you not have any evidence at all? Is there no way you can recover deleted messages or emails (do a google search to find out). If you can remember dates, times, locations - jot it all down.

You won't be able to fight this on your own. Get professional help. Why the hell should you have to leave?

Bluegrass · 29/06/2020 18:55

Is this not a highly unusual level of direct interaction between a new starter and someone 4 levels above (even without the sex).

Just the multiple levels of management in between you should make it quite difficult (or at the very least worthy of note) for this guy to have any influence on what happens to you without it being starkly obvious to lots of other people.

Fanthorpe · 29/06/2020 18:56

seriously @Untolduntolds? The world is full of cheaters, professional assassins and utter shits. You’ve got a big task ahead of you.

rwalker · 29/06/2020 18:57

You need to have a chat with him clear the air. Tell him his behaviour to you is drawing attention .

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/06/2020 19:00

My first thought was that you need to speak to him directly.

"SexPestBoss, I understand why you are doing what you are doing. And please don't pretend aren't. However, other people have started to notice. I am being asked what is going on. I have never had any intention of speaking to anyone about what happened between us, but your actions are blindingly obvious. Stop blocking my work. Stop blocking my promotions. Stop trying to cut me out of things, and start treating like an employee of this organisation"

G5000 · 29/06/2020 19:02

As she has only been there a short while, her only protection against being fired at will is raising discrimination. Even then, if it's a big company , they will probably just pay her to go away, but at least she might have some leverage to get a bit of a settlement agreement and a decent reference, instead of being sacked.

That. Find another job. Then raise the issue.

SpeckledFrogsLog · 29/06/2020 19:06

If I were you I’d private message him to say that his exclusion of you is starting to become noticeable. Point out to him that it was a consensual “relationship” and that you have behaved with discretion and professionalism since then (as requested by him). However, if he continues to ignore and exclude you, you will have no option other than to escalate it to HR which will inevitably involve your personal relationship becoming more public. Make it clear that you’d rather not do this and you hope he can start treating you with the same respect and professionalism that you have afforded him.

This message gives you a couple of things. Firstly it’s written evidence that you’ve tried to resolve the issue informally. Secondly, it’s a protected act which, if you are then further treated less favourably, would support a claim of sexual harassment and victimisation.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 29/06/2020 19:07

Is it definitely being malevolent, or could he be trying to avoid any potential awkwardness and doesn’t realise how obvious he’s making things?

I once did the same thing. Slept with my boss at work, who I actually really liked and was good friends with. I was so immature I just didn’t know how to cope with it being awkward afterwards, so I just froze him out. I don’t have many regrets but that is a big one!

I’d try and resolve things informally first. A text or personal email saying that what happened happened, you had no intention of ever telling anyone, but he needs to stop impeding your work and grow up.

His response would decide what I did next.

MrsNoah2020 · 29/06/2020 19:11

@rwalker

You need to have a chat with him clear the air. Tell him his behaviour to you is drawing attention .

That will guarantee that he doubles his efforts to get the OP sacked.

OP, blokes like this follow a pattern. There is a 99.99% chance he has done this before, possibly many times. HR may well already know.

Wilkiemini · 29/06/2020 19:12

Did you sleep together just once or several times? How did this come to an end? Is he avoiding you because he’s avoiding conflict?

Either way I’d get about her job and move on or this will always hang over you...don’t shit on your doorstep at work!

I’d plan a little reveal on your last day ;)

NudgeUnit · 29/06/2020 19:12

It sounds to me like he's done this before and that this is his MO. He's a bully on a power kick and he feels invincible. Things like getting you to delete messages absolute prove that this was his plan all along. In other words, this is what he does and he regularly gets away with it.

I agree with this, and as well as keeping a diary/log and jobhunting on the side, I would be putting very subtle, careful feelers out to try and identify anyone else in the company he has done this to and/or find out what became of my predecessor/s. You will be on firmer ground with any future action against him if you have strength in numbers.

What a worm.

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