I did something very stupid at work.

[SamSah]

Very stupid.

I started a new job around a year ago, just above an entry level position. 6 months later I slept with one of the very senior managers. Very senior. Probably my bosses bosses bosses boss if I was to map it out. Neither of us married but he made it very clear it would have to be kept quiet as it could hurt his chances of promotion to the board.

Since then I have been completely frozen out at work. Not by other people but by him. For example:

I was told by my manager I no longer needed to attend a weekly meeting he chairs. She didn't know why was just acting on instruction from her manager.

If I need to email him about anything, he will forward to someone else to deal with (things he would usually deal with himself)

He goes to other people to ask questions which he should be asking me. They then come to me and say x asked me this today but I think it's your domain isn't it. I then have to give them the info to give to him.

Any email chain we are in together he won't reply to. Or will reply separately to someone else not the group email.

People have mentioned how weird it is that he never comes down to our department anymore, obviously whilst he was trying to get me to shag him he was coming down all the time. I didn't know that wasn't 'normal' behaviour as i'd only just started.

My manager suggested me for a project but came back a few days later and said someone else had been asked. She was really surprised and asked me 4 weeks ago if something was going.

I'm going to have to find a new job aren't I? I'm not saying at all that I was coerced here. i was fully involved and probably flirted with him as much as he did with me. I was hoping or expecting we could just be grown up about it and not let it get in the way of work. Obviously he is trying to freeze me out as much as he can without actively making it obvious

He's an absolute bully, got what he wanted now wants u out!

Not the shared opinion but I suggest you cut your losses and get another job as soon as you can. HR will ultimately not be able to do much to reprimand (?) a VSM, they will likely just put an invisible block up and you will still end up in the same circumstance as now. Word will likely get around. Other senior managers will highly likely back him as he clearly has a senior role and is therefore needed by the company. Am certainly not saying you shouldn't feel aggrieved, but maybe don't waste your energy on a battle you will most likely lose

This. Some people seem to think HR are on the side of employees. They are not. They are on the side of the company. (It's unions who are on the side of employees). I worked for a large public sector employer and, believe me, the managers totally had each other's backs. One colleague phoned HR when she had an awful problem with a manager and was told directly, 'Don't take it further. The managers will back each other and you will get nowhere.' I worked there 20 years and of the many complaints and issues with managers NO-ONE ever got anywhere with them, even whistle blowers who should have been protected were targeted with revenge counter grievances that could have led to them being sacked. l wish the world wasn't like that, but it is. Life is not a feel good movie where the plucky underdog triumphs. It really isn't.

As another poster has mentioned, this didn't happen at work, it just happened to be where you met...

As far as the workplace issues go, I would go and see your immediate Manager and outline workplace examples of where you are being excluded and overlooked. Make notes beforehand so you can refer to them if feeling overwhelmed during the meeting.

Please Please Please do not mention the relationship or the person at this point in time. Keep it professional.

Take direction from how your Manager reacts to your discussion. If Manager poo poos it, then ask for your concern to be noted as a formal issue with HR and seek another meeting when they have their ducks in a row. You direct how things will go!

If your Manager already feels (I believe you mentioned above you were asked if everything was ok) there is more to the picture, it's possible (as I suspect) many people know about the relationship and are trying to circumnavigate it becoming a confrontational issue between you and him in the workplace. They may already know he has a history for this, or that he does have a significant other.

If your former partner is making waves for you behind the scenes, then I suspect your Manager will have to outline what has been presented to those higher up, as the problem is with you in the workplace and why you are being excluded.

If that is the case He is finger-pointing at your workmanship etc, then at that point, I would bring up the relationship noting (for the record) the allegations are unfounded and only came about after he terminated the relationship.

Having said all that, if it does come down to the nitty-gritty of getting to the relationship, there well could be a no return. Just remember it is not a dismissable reason from the workplace if they try it on. If they want you to go, then they can pay you out appropriately along with a glowing reference.

Good luck!

I’ve only read some of the replies but have a different take from lots of pps - you may have been in the wrong here depending on your company policy. Quite a lot of companies have conduct codes that state no relationships between colleagues, or that colleagues in relationships (sleeping together would count) have to declare them to HR. So you could both be in the wrong, but he would come off worse as if he has slept with a junior colleague as it could be an abuse of power and sackable offence. When I first read your post I didn’t think he was trying to cut you out, more minimise any connection between you to reduce any further risk to him. I’d start by checking your company handbook to find out where you stand - if you work for a US business then more likely that the ‘no relatiomships’ rule applies.

Dunno - there’s a touch of Harvey Weinstein about this that may be in your favour. If he wanted it kept quiet because it could affect his promotion then clearly he knows it’s against company policy.

It’s against company policy precisely because such behaviour as he is now displaying is unacceptable. You may have both been in the wrong, but you’re not the one mistreating him off the back of it.

I wouldn’t give up without trying to save your job. If you’re going to message him - and it’s not a bad idea to get what happened in writing - (he may of course not reply for that reason), I would speak to a lawyer first.

I would make an excuse to call into his office a politely request that he does not continue to treat you I this way, acts professionally and leaves the personal fling to one side. Let him know you have no intention to reveal the rendezvous with colleagues while you remain happily employed there. In other words treat me equally to others and if you force me out to find a new job I might squeal.

OP, I'd be advising an informal approach to him. I would not suggest HR, legal route or union, once you start that process it can escalate and become very stressful and even affect your health. HR would likely back up the more senior person, it's not right of course but happens.

You didn't do anything stupid and how could you anticipate what has followed.

@Untolduntolds OP, I put people on boards of global companies, the FTSE and Fortune 500 and I know most of the other people who do the same. If you want to, tell me his name by PM and I will make sure to “bear it in mind.” (Understatement)

Now that's how it's done. I hope the OP does PM you. This guy is a complete prick, and a liability, and rather pathetically immature. It's really not behaviour you want from someone you are thinking about hiring.

There's always someone above the people. They are always accountable to someone.

they will probably just pay her to go away, but at least she might have some leverage to get a bit of a settlement agreement and a decent reference, instead of being sacked.

Well the more I read of this the more i think is that this has happened before and many times with junior staff..

He coudld make further bother for you, i suppose he has friends or aquaintencs in other firms who may ask your existing firm for a reference and i bet he'll get to see it and screw you over that way or so much shite will be doing the rounds a true reference won't be coming .

The idea of a "ransom demand" like above i.e. if you want me gone a decent settlement and a good written reference before you go and that will be that!.

BUT!!

And I bet more that anything else he IS married and the shit is starting to hit the fan at home, it may be she his wife or partner maybe has found out that there was another woman thats You, and he's shit scared she'll find out who you are she may know you as miss "x" the girl in accounts or purchasing she may not know your name but if she whats to find out..she might- and thats what he can't risk hence by whatever means you've got to go!

If he’s considering board level then you should whistleblow. Chances are has done this before and it could be embarrassing for the company if it all comes out after a high profile promotion.

Sallycinnamon, you don't 'alf got some cojones girl 🤣😉😲
I like your style but I don't know if many people would have the guts to carry it off

How much power does he have in the wider world?
will it be a 'you'll never work in this industry/town again’ situation for you if you cross him in any way?

Take legal advice before going to HR. Some people believe HR is there to protect the employee. They are most definitely not that. They are there to protect the management.

I would say HR are there to ensure procedures are followed so that if they go to tribunal the company won't lose - sometimes that protects management by ensuring that problem employees can be got rid of within the law, and sometimes that protects the staff because HR ensure their treatment is fair in the eyes of the law.

In this case they would want to follow whatever procedure is dictated by acas and that would involve logging it, poss talking to the manager and wanting the OP to keep a diary. I suspect he's done this before but the others who could back her up are gone.

And he could sue them (and is more likely to) so they have to be careful and ensure there's proof before doing anything.

I vote get another job and PM the PP who kindly offered to ensure his card was marked. And once the job is secure and all are happy and do an exit interview if she is sure it won't impact on her current job. But he could be spiteful enough to ring the new employee so I would check first how confidential it was.

Be wary about pm’ing anybody with personal details, that poster only seemed to appear yesterday, unless it was a name change.

Have you actually had a conversation with him? As in a direct one. As in, "Look we're both single adults who did nothing wrong. Neither of us want a relationship and neither of us want what happened to be brought into the workplace forum. You're behaving strangely, you're excluding me from things and people are going to notice. Can we both agree that this has to stop, you let me get on with my work and worry about your own promotion and this conversation is the end of the weirdness?" If after that he continues to be a bellend then yes, HR.

@Fanthorpe

Be wary about pm’ing anybody with personal details, that poster only seemed to appear yesterday, unless it was a name change.

Particularly someone who claims to put people on the boards of multinationals.

Thank you @TatianaBis, I thought it was just me wondering about that!

I can’t fathom how a junior member of staff would require copying in on emails from what sounds like one level below the CEO. How can he be your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss yet apparently hand out work directly to junior staff, have meetings with them and be part of email chains that include new starters?

Unless you’re the driver, your boss is in packaging, his boss does the toppings, his boss makes the base and his boss takes phone orders?

This. I can't fathom why someone just below board level would regularly need to be asking a new junior employee things regularly, or why the OP would need to be emailing him about things.

A complete stranger on the internet offers to do dirty deeds
Not even dirty deeds done dirt cheap, dirty deeds done completely free, from a randoon the internet?

if I was that senior manager with a lot to hide .....and I had a fling with a junior that could get me into a lot of trouble ....and I knew she frequented Mumsnet

I'd message him and say I'm quite happy to forget that anything ever happened but can he stop freezing you out as people are starting to notice. That would mean he realises you're not leaving and that if he carries on people might work it out based on his behaviour

OP isn't coming back

Depending on phone type and how well you manage your backups you can restore those texts very easily. Nothing is ever truly gone in the digital age

Depending on phone type and how well you manage your backups you can restore those texts very easily. Nothing is ever truly gone in the digital age

Not quite that simple what does happen is the orignal file will be on the hard drive or card but any references to it will go, but the file thats still there will stay there untill something else over writes it then it has gone for good unless you are in GCHQ ot the CIA they can read overwritten files and use very speclist software to do things like that!.

Anyway, as you were....