I did something very stupid at work.

[SamSah]

Very stupid.

I started a new job around a year ago, just above an entry level position. 6 months later I slept with one of the very senior managers. Very senior. Probably my bosses bosses bosses boss if I was to map it out. Neither of us married but he made it very clear it would have to be kept quiet as it could hurt his chances of promotion to the board.

Since then I have been completely frozen out at work. Not by other people but by him. For example:

I was told by my manager I no longer needed to attend a weekly meeting he chairs. She didn't know why was just acting on instruction from her manager.

If I need to email him about anything, he will forward to someone else to deal with (things he would usually deal with himself)

He goes to other people to ask questions which he should be asking me. They then come to me and say x asked me this today but I think it's your domain isn't it. I then have to give them the info to give to him.

Any email chain we are in together he won't reply to. Or will reply separately to someone else not the group email.

People have mentioned how weird it is that he never comes down to our department anymore, obviously whilst he was trying to get me to shag him he was coming down all the time. I didn't know that wasn't 'normal' behaviour as i'd only just started.

My manager suggested me for a project but came back a few days later and said someone else had been asked. She was really surprised and asked me 4 weeks ago if something was going.

I'm going to have to find a new job aren't I? I'm not saying at all that I was coerced here. i was fully involved and probably flirted with him as much as he did with me. I was hoping or expecting we could just be grown up about it and not let it get in the way of work. Obviously he is trying to freeze me out as much as he can without actively making it obvious

I'd think I'd throw his behaviour back at him. Speak to him or message so you have a paper trail that you have no intention of telling anyone what happened and as far as you are concerned it was a think between to adults and wont go any further however if he continues to exclude you from your duties and makes it obvious hes trying to manage you out then you will speak to HR and raise a case of bullying and constructive dismissal and to do that you will have to tell then the reason why.

I dont think you should have a look for other jobs ar all but if you do then let the shit hit the fan for him, he deserves nothing less.

Sorry, repeating what many others have said. Ummm... no you don;t have to find a new job - but he probably does. Speak to HR and tell them what you have posted here. He took a massive risk sleeping with you and hasn't behaved well afterwards. The power is with you, not him. I would also contact Acas for advice.www.acas.org.uk/contact And tell HR you have done so - hopefully then they will take you seriously.

You have done nothing wrong. He, on the other hand, as acted like a cunt.

You may find out that he has done it before. People like this do.

I hope you are in a union, this is a situation where you can legitimately raise a grievance.

However, I would address it informally with him first of all, outside of work and tell him to grow the fuck up, otherwise you will be raising a grievance.

He is behaving in a ridiculous and unprofessional way, and you could claim constructive dismissal, if you feel your only option is leaving.

I wonder how many other entry level new employees he's flattered into bed then frozen out of the company? He's a bully. Don't leave. For the sake of women working there after you, confront this head on.

He's acting like someone who has a lot to hide and a lot to loose, you've not done anything wrong OP, consenting adults and all that but he is being very weird, does he have form for this sort of thing?
Keep a detailed log of all occurrences, just in case

After dealing with my usually professional HR department over a bullying issue, I realised that HR aren't there to look after you, they are there to abide by the law and to protect the company. I don't think you'd get anywhere if you spoke to them.

I'd speak to him outside work and just say that you have no intention of saying anything, but you need to be able to do your job, and he needs to enable that instead of acting like an idiot.

Wow that is awful. He's being ridiculous.

I would leave, and when you have a new job, I'd let it be known why you had to leave.

Have you logged all the times he has cut you out of something?

I think this is controlling behavior, he is trying to belittle and crush you to make himself feel powerful, he's 'had his way with you' and now he wants to fully destroy and discard.

@chocaholic72 I think you're right.

They will manage it out of the way.

The way to approach it might be to find the dignity at work policy and see if there's anything relevant (indirectly ) in there.

As he is so senior, he can involve who he chooses so it's going to be hard to back yourself up.

If you do stay, I'd go down the route of ''I feel like I'm cut out of this loop, and I want to be kept informed so I can do my job''.

Make it clear to him that you're not a threat if he treats you with dignity and includes you. But that the way to anger you would be to exclude you.

I would be steely cold and email him directly every time he gives your work to someone else or blatantly undermines you professionally. Make a paper trail. Cc people in. Don’t make it emotionally or allude to anything inappropriate. Be supremely professionally and force him to explain his actions.

If he thinks he won't get promotion if you so much as speak to him - or he you - then maybe it's time to ask him how his prospects will look when all this is dragged out in a meeting with HR. Offer him the option to act like a fucking grown up starting immediately or you're going to take it further and then he really can kiss his prospects goodbye.
He sounds like an arse.

why is he so nervous, what else has he done that he didnt oughtta?

@crosseyedMary yes, probably looking at her like an ant to see how she reacts.

I would have a word with him and tell him that unless he stops freezing you out you will just have to confirm all the rumours that are starting to be heard as people are noticing his bizarre behaviour. Sod that - why in hells name should you keep quiet if he is trying to damage your career - and saying there is no proof - his behaviour is proof!

I think your cards marked. You could try not doing anything except keep a record of the work-based issues, don’t even refer to him or his role in it, just build a picture of where your role seems to be compromised. Just forget him or his role in what’s happening.

Be professional. When you have your review go over where you think things could be better, and where you were disincluded.

He is behaving badly but honestly they’ll get rid of you first.

But where’s the jeopardy to his job? People shag each other at work all the time.

Do not speak to him!!!!

He will take steps with HR to screw you over. You need to go to them first to put forward your side of the story. Before you do, document concrete examples of what you’ve put in the OP, so specific times people have approached you with requests from him that should have come to you directly, email chains with relevant info etc.

Tell them his behaviour is impacting your job.

Definitely speak to him outside work.

Not the shared opinion but I suggest you cut your losses and get another job as soon as you can. HR will ultimately not be able to do much to reprimand (?) a VSM, they will likely just put an invisible block up and you will still end up in the same circumstance as now. Word will likely get around. Other senior managers will highly likely back him as he clearly has a senior role and is therefore needed by the company. Am certainly not saying you shouldn't feel aggrieved, but maybe don't waste your energy on a battle you will most likely lose.

Fucking wanker. A very careful one however. There are men like this, who just can not be grown ups about this kind of thing (despite the fact that men can apparently shag without it meaning anything).

Be more proactive looking for a new job and ask for an exit interview with HR so you can shaft him on the way out. But it's a small world so if you think you might run across him again make sure you give him a piece of your mind instead.

I would be tempted to pull him to one side and read him the riot act now but if he turns and makes life hell then that's not a good outcome.

Lesson learned i guess. These things happen and unless you have loads of proof it's next to impossible to go through official channels. People (including women) freeze people out at work all the time. It's very hard to prove. Moving is by far the best option generally.

He's a lovely bloke, isn't he?

It sounds to me like he's done this before and that this is his MO. He's a bully on a power kick and he feels invincible. Things like getting you to delete messages absolute prove that this was his plan all along. In other words, this is what he does and he regularly gets away with it.

Best plan is to find a new job and as a feminist I hate that I'm saying that. But HR will manage the problem away (ie manage you out). He's sneaky enough that it isn't obvious or provable.

The only thing I can suggest is to keep your powder dry just now but keep a diary. There's a small possibility that if you present enough evidence that you've been sidelined then someone will act - but it sounds like you've not been there more than two years and it's more likely that what will happen is you will be kicked out.

I'm sorry OP, it kills me to type all this, but the world isn't unfair and your energy would be better spent moving to a new and better job. Then let them have it in the exit interview

Fucking predator.

Be really careful with this. He's clearly horrible and thinks nothing of throwing someone else under the bus to the benefit of himself. I don't know what the answer is either, so I know this isn't helpful, but just don't rush into anything rash that can't be take back if it makes things worse

Maybe he has form for inappropriate behaviour. You should report the harassment.

Are you sure he's not married? He's acting like it!

Clearly he wants you to leave.

If you make this public, you will come out worse off. HR and senior management will close ranks. You will be branded a trouble maker. Your boss will know, everyone will know. It may be so uncomfortable will feel you have to leave anyway. Either - live with it and tell no one, or leave.

pull him to one side and read him the riot act now
and you think he'll back down, apologise and start behaving properly?
Or will he be furious that a subordinate has dared to reprimand him and then look for ways to punish her?
I'm not saying he should get away with it but be realistic about the power structures here, be strategic and protect yourself OP.
If you want to get your own back drop right off his radar and then drop him in it without him knowing.