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Original poster

I did something very stupid at work.

129 replies

SamSah · 29/06/2020 16:57

Very stupid.

I started a new job around a year ago, just above an entry level position. 6 months later I slept with one of the very senior managers. Very senior. Probably my bosses bosses bosses boss if I was to map it out. Neither of us married but he made it very clear it would have to be kept quiet as it could hurt his chances of promotion to the board.

Since then I have been completely frozen out at work. Not by other people but by him. For example:

I was told by my manager I no longer needed to attend a weekly meeting he chairs. She didn't know why was just acting on instruction from her manager.

If I need to email him about anything, he will forward to someone else to deal with (things he would usually deal with himself)

He goes to other people to ask questions which he should be asking me. They then come to me and say x asked me this today but I think it's your domain isn't it. I then have to give them the info to give to him.

Any email chain we are in together he won't reply to. Or will reply separately to someone else not the group email.

People have mentioned how weird it is that he never comes down to our department anymore, obviously whilst he was trying to get me to shag him he was coming down all the time. I didn't know that wasn't 'normal' behaviour as i'd only just started.

My manager suggested me for a project but came back a few days later and said someone else had been asked. She was really surprised and asked me 4 weeks ago if something was going.

I'm going to have to find a new job aren't I? I'm not saying at all that I was coerced here. i was fully involved and probably flirted with him as much as he did with me. I was hoping or expecting we could just be grown up about it and not let it get in the way of work. Obviously he is trying to freeze me out as much as he can without actively making it obvious

OP posts:
SeriouslyRetro · 29/06/2020 19:13

Is there anything he has over you? I mean, messages you've sent that he could twist to make you seem full on or unhinged?
How did the personal relationship come to an end? Could he be feeling sore about it?

NellieandRufus · 29/06/2020 19:13

He's an arsehole.

In your shoes I would phone him and tell him he's being a dick. He either stops immediately and treats you as if it never happened or you will tell people exactly why he's behaving oddly.

Probably not the right way to handle it, but it's what I'd do.

NellieandRufus · 29/06/2020 19:15

I'd then put the conversation in writing to him to his work email address.

Untolduntolds · 29/06/2020 19:17

@rwalker yes seriously. Generally hitmen and murderers are not trying to get on boards. It’s the corporate psychopaths I am aware of and any extra little bit of info is helpful. Exploiting a power imbalance is generally looked upon very unfavourably in corporate governance

justasking111 · 29/06/2020 19:22

I would not bother with HR internally. This happened to me sexual harrassment re: bosses boss. Had been there less than a year, I was fired, I worked in HR and on my file had been written in big letters with exclamation marks. SACKED. He had done it before and probably did it again and again. An independent HR lawyer is the only way forward. Our HR in my present lets employees down in the end when the bosses get involved.

Fattyboom · 29/06/2020 19:26

Is this not constructive dismissal?

Yes but it's irrelevant as she does not have two years service and therefore no employment rights, so unless it is discrimination there is no claim

puzzledpiece · 29/06/2020 19:29

A sad and expensive way to learn a valuable lesson OP. Keep relationships out of the office unless you are very very sure, and there is no imbalance of power.

TheNewLook · 29/06/2020 19:33

When you say very senior, what sort of company is it?

I can’t fathom how a junior member of staff would require copying in on emails from what sounds like one level below the CEO. How can he be your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss yet apparently hand out work directly to junior staff, have meetings with them and be part of email chains that include new starters?

Unless you’re the driver, your boss is in packaging, his boss does the toppings, his boss makes the base and his boss takes phone orders?

LudaMusser · 29/06/2020 19:34

If this company is like mine, HR will not dare go against a senior manager because it's more than their job is worth

Two women left a year ago and the rumour points to one sleeping with a director and the other knew. They were both signed off with stress then soon after both handed their notices in

If you've been there less than two years your on thin ice. I bet you won't be able to prove a thing. People like this are clever and know how to control others

I would bide your time then leave. This will only go one way IMO

AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 29/06/2020 19:35

Even though you've deleted the messages you'll have phone records showing calls texts etc.

I think you can actually buy a device or third party app that retrieves deleted messages.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/06/2020 19:37

I'm with MrsNoah on this - the guy's a turd and the whole thing stinks, but with just a year's service at the company this isn't a battle you're going to win no matter how unfair that is

Much better to get another job, avoid involvement with senior managers next time (and if you really want to, drop him in it when you actually leave)

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 29/06/2020 19:39

I would tackle him directly out of work,OP. I would explain to him that yes it shouldnt have happened but he is behaving like a proper tool...tell him thereis no way on earth you would be advertizing your part in the whole scenario so if he is worried you will then he is sadly mistaken.He is acting like a teenage boy and if he doesnt stop then not only will he make a bigger fool of himself t you will have to stepin to make him stop.reassure but do not take his shit! He is just a man and I presumme he is no Brad Pitt so you do not have to stroke his ego! If you have had him under you then you can say what ever you like.You have the power here if only you realised it....Ring him suggest a meeting out of work as you have an issue to discuss privately...if he objects then ask him if he would like to hear you out publilly then...trust me he wont!!! Sort him out,you have nothing to loose,Be firm and cut to the point,do not be embarrassed or shy ..you both fucked up and you are handling it with far more dignity than he is....get him told,,,his status regarding the company did not bother either of you when you were getting it on so why should it bother you now? Dont let it ..tell him straight how it should be and demand the respect you deserve especially for keeping your side of the deal to stay quiet about it. You can do this ...and you should.No need for HR or anything else...Imagine him again with his clothes off,,see he is only human!!! I speak as someone who too has made a few ermmm cough mistakes in the past too!!!!

TerrapinStation · 29/06/2020 19:40

@TheNewLook

When you say very senior, what sort of company is it?

I can’t fathom how a junior member of staff would require copying in on emails from what sounds like one level below the CEO. How can he be your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss yet apparently hand out work directly to junior staff, have meetings with them and be part of email chains that include new starters?

Unless you’re the driver, your boss is in packaging, his boss does the toppings, his boss makes the base and his boss takes phone orders?

You've asked the question I was going to.

With such a big gap in seniority I would't have expected there to be any direct contact at work. He doesn't sound like a very good manager apart from anything else.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 29/06/2020 19:41

publically not pullically sorry!!!

LynetteScavo · 29/06/2020 19:43

I second what Sally says.

You actually have the power here. Tell him straight to stop being an idiot. If he carries on like this you'll be leaving and making a public announcement on your departure

meikyo · 29/06/2020 19:47

I'm guessing large corporate services, such as audit firm. Partners and senior managers sometimes work in teams with more junior staff. I had a similar issue with a training partner many years ago. He left, I stayed. Good luck OP,

Graphista · 29/06/2020 19:53

This IS sexual harassment and as such illegal.

Get advice from your union if you're in one or Acas if not.

Appalling behaviour on his part and I suspect not the first time!

He may SEEM to have the power but you could make a lot of trouble for him.

If you're at the point of considering leaving anyway then really you've nothing to lose by making a formal complaint and I would say you should after getting advice from appropriate professionals.

Sorry this has happened to you.

"There isn't a 'smoking gun' to take to HR for bullying as far as I can see."

You're too close to assess that objectively but from what you've said, there's actually a Clear trail of behaviour of exclusion that they can check.

rhowton · 29/06/2020 20:03

Are you absolutely sure he isn't married....

Shemeanswell · 29/06/2020 20:10

While I know the correct answer is HR / lawyers etc, I think you have to look at what you actually want to get from this.

If you want justice, sure, go down that route, but be wary of all that comes with it.

If you want everything to just go back to normal, then I would instead email him. Nothing threatening, nothing that is going to shit him up and get a reaction. Something like "Hi John, just wanted a quick word about work. Ever since that incident* in last March, I'm worried that you've been off with me. I wouldn't ordinarily mention it, but others in the office are starting to comment on the change in your behaviour. I'm guessing you just don't want to give them the wrong impression - and I don't either. Can things go back to how they were? I just want to be allowed to do my job".

*you don't mention the incident by name, as this way he knows it can look like you're referring to an argument or something.

You can nice it up as much as you want. Deliver it in the shit sandwich format, tell him how great he is, blah blah blah. End with a joke.

I know this is totally not the RIGHT thing to do, but I think if it were me it's what I would do, just because it would get me the result I wanted.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/06/2020 20:15

Can you retrieve your deleted messages? How long ago was it all?

That would be my first step.

And then if I could retrieve them I might ask to meet with him, tell him I had all the messages plus a diary of all bullying behaviour and ask him whether he wanted me to start the ball rolling with HR/union complete with message printouts. Or does he think he could stop the bullying and discrimination?

I'd probably go straight to HR though.

I would look for another job anyway, of course - but in the meantime I'd try my hardest to fuck that promotion for him. Stupid man!

Patch23042 · 29/06/2020 20:21

I’m not sure I’d read too much into very senior managers not including entry level staff in email chains. Unless the work culture is very “flat” and democratic.

IdblowJonSnow · 29/06/2020 20:26

Agree that HR will ultimately have his back as they wont want to risk their own necks. But I would email Acas so you've got a paper trail.
I think he's done this before. He absolutely deserves to be dropped in it but I'd hate to see you come off more badly than him which is a risk.
And I'd hardly say "lesson learnt" as you didnt do anything wrong.
Hope you can find a new job soon.

willitbetonight · 29/06/2020 20:28

Unless you are in a profession, so for example he's a solicitor (ie with an independent governing body) I would honestly just leave. HR are there for the company. Yes you may fuck things up for him and his promotion but you will also mark your own card. I would most likely tell him he is a dick and resign.

HollowTalk · 29/06/2020 20:33

Was it just one time you slept with him? Did you actually date, or just have a quickie? I'd be amazed if this hadn't happened to other women in the same workplace.

suggestionsplease1 · 29/06/2020 20:41

@SpeckledFrogsLog

If I were you I’d private message him to say that his exclusion of you is starting to become noticeable. Point out to him that it was a consensual “relationship” and that you have behaved with discretion and professionalism since then (as requested by him). However, if he continues to ignore and exclude you, you will have no option other than to escalate it to HR which will inevitably involve your personal relationship becoming more public. Make it clear that you’d rather not do this and you hope he can start treating you with the same respect and professionalism that you have afforded him.

This message gives you a couple of things. Firstly it’s written evidence that you’ve tried to resolve the issue informally. Secondly, it’s a protected act which, if you are then further treated less favourably, would support a claim of sexual harassment and victimisation.

I'd do the above. It gives him the opportunity to repair the situation, and also (bear with me here) a wee bit of security that you are acknowledging it was was consensual, as he may be positioning himself for a shit-storm if it has crossed his mind you might say it wasn't consensual.

So him knowing that will give him a bit of breathing space to act differently rather than doubing down on hostility. If he is a sensible man I think he would take that choice.

Point out that his actions now are unfairly undermining you at work, and are not at all warranted.

As @SpeckledFrogsLog says - you then have an accurate written account of the situation that he has received, so the ball is in his court to resolve things without escalating.

If he continues to undermine you then it is HR time.

He might not reply to your message but I wouldn't worry about that as he will probably not be keen to give any acknowledgement of the situation ...but it might be enough to change how he is acting....watch out for any changes there, and if they don't happen - HR time.