Good Christ why am I such a rotten bitch

[Mirrormirrorinthecar]

I got my return to work date today and I just can't bear it.

I haven't enjoyed lockdown, but it's been bliss to be away from people. I want to be good at my job, but I am so shit at it. I am overqualified for it. I have a degree I never use. My colleagues hate me and I don't even know why, except I always seem to say the wrong thing, though I couldn't tell you what the wrong thing is. I have no compassion for anyone any more, I just think they should get the fuck on with it and stop moaning, because that's what I have had to do. I have had plenty of difficulties in my own life, and nobody has given me shit all sympathy or understanding. I'm utterly crap at my job, I never seem to understand all the unspoken rules and etiquette. I'd like to retrain but I've wasted my student loan on the shitty degree that everyone told me I should do. I would be no good at anything anyway. I'd fuck it up. I'm too blunt and impatient. I'm no good to anyone. I'm just twisted all out of shape I suppose. All my life I've felt as though I'm on the sidelines looking on at normal people having normal lives, but I never knew what was actually wrong with me. I've tried desperately to have a normal life, and for a while I can mimic it, but then I fuck it up again. I wish I could work from home forever and then I wouldn't have to inflict myself on other people any more.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Since when was everyone else perfect? And if you were shit you wouldn't be in your job.

I don't want to go back either. I like my own company and I want to stay that way. But I'll need to go back soon, too.

I think once they can get rid of me they will. I work in a small area, in a job where people absolutely despise unions, and I had to get one involved a few years ago when work were playing silly buggers with contracts. I know that was the right thing to do but in hindsight I should have just shut up and looked for another job. Now I've marked my card as a trouble maker, and I can't move right now and am limited to what I do. I have a fairly distinctive name and was actually considering changing it so people didn't recognise who I was. I wish I could be invisible.

I've tried desperately to have a normal life, and for a while I can mimic it, but then I fuck it up again.

And yet, you're still trying. That is a definition of bravery.

BTW - you do know about Government Postgraduate Loans, don't you? Worth googling if not ...

I think you need some counselling tbh. You sound pretty brutal on yourself xx

Maybe start to look for a new job - get your CV up to scratch, possibly ask for any useful training courses available through work or do any online courses available now?

For the future, could you go by a middle name (if you have one?) So X. Anna Smith or if it's your surname that's distinctive, use your maiden name or your mother's surname?

Good luck.

" I am overqualified for it. I have a degree I never use

I always seem to say the wrong thing, though I couldn't tell you what the wrong thing is.

I never seem to understand all the unspoken rules and etiquette

I'm too blunt and impatient. I'm no good to anyone.

All my life I've felt as though I'm on the sidelines looking on at normal people having normal lives, but I never knew what was actually wrong with me. I've tried desperately to have a normal life, and for a while I can mimic it, but then I fuck it up again "

The above sentences from your first post really stood out for me, have you ever considered there may be a valid reason that's how you experience everyday life?

I hope you're not offended at this suggestion and I can't abide online armchair diagnosers either, but those descriptions are so very common for female presentation autism that I can't help but suggest you consider the possibility. Try this and see how you score. It's not diagnostic, but it can say that it's a strong possibility. www.wired.com/2001/12/aqtest/

I also picked out the autistic traits.

OP please have a read

You sound a lot like I felt when I was depressed. It colours your thinking. You don’t think you are depressed though, because your thinking tells you that this is true and nothing will change, so why bother? Yet part of you realises this, because you’ve posted here. Your thinking can change and then you’ll know what path to take. Please see your GP. ADs can be miracle workers, honestly.

I scored 37 on that test

I thought I was being fairly conservative in my amswers too, for example the "do you enjoy social chit chat" question would have been a resounding no at one point, but I practised at it, and now I don't mind it in certain situations and with certain people.

Yikes. And is this a genuine test, and not one of these Facebook "I am a psychopath" ones?

I also wondered if you have autism. Lots of things in your post scream it for me. It's much harder to diagnose in women so gets overlooked often. It may not be this at all- but have a read up- it might help.

I'm autistic and a lot of your post rang bells for me too. Whether you're on the spectrum or not you need to find a way to be more compassionate to yourself because your post is full of negative and undeserved self-judgement. Counselling could help you be more accepting of yourself and, in turn, think more kindly of others.

AQ test. is a legitimate indicator, yes.

Parent of a DC with ASD here and like others, I can’t stand armchair diagnosis but the same sentences in your OP stood out to me as textbook. It would be worth looking into.

And never feel shame for getting your union involved in workplace disputes where employees aren’t being treated fairly. Our predecessors fought bravely for the rights to union representation. You sound strong and resilient.

it's been bliss to be away from people. I want to be good at my job, but I am so shit at it. I am overqualified for it. I have a degree I never use. My colleagues hate me and I don't even know why, except I always seem to say the wrong thing, though I couldn't tell you what the wrong thing is. I have no compassion for anyone any more, I just think they should get the fuck on with it and stop moaning, because that's what I have had to do.

I had to check the username in case I wrote this post after several glasses of vino.
DS is ASD....... off to take the test

@BlankTimes I agree with you! @Mirrormirrorinthecar my daughter was recently diagnosed as autistic, aged 43, though she has different problems to you. But years ago I heard a programme on the radio about a woman who worked with adult men diagnosed with Autism late in life. She said they were people who had wives, kids, businesses, good careers, but were often the sort of people whose friends would say "Oh, good old Charlie, that's just him, it's the way he is" and laugh when they went to dinner at his house and he opened the door and greeted them with "Good God woman, whatever possessed you to wear that dress? It looks bloody awful on you".
My daughter said her diagnosis has really helped her, because she realises that she can relax and not try to understand the rules. In her words "I can let the weirdness out! The thing with girls is that they are much better at observing and copying the correct social behaviour, and that's why they are diagnosed less often than boys.

Hi OP,

I agree with the other folks on here. Reading your post, 2 possibilities jumped out at me:

1. Clinical depression. I've had issues with this in the past and 2 classic signs are me thinking I'm shit at everything and everybody hates me.

2. Autistic Spectrum Condition. This is in my family and all your comments about not really understanding, fitting in with people seemed to chime. I note you already did the online test.

Either way, I think you should talk to your GP, they should be able to help you get diagnosis, if appropriate and point you to some sources of support.

Be gentle on yourself. You're dealing with a lot right now.

I'm also autistic and also thought "hm — sounds maybe autistic and probably depressed" before reading the responses and seeing I wasn't the only one 😂 Other people picked out some bits, but also, Doing the Thing You Are Supposed To Do (i.e. getting the union involved) which turns out in reality is secretly the thing you are never supposed to do and everyone else knows that — classic.

You might not be autistic but it sounds like you have enough in common with autistic women for some of the relevant resources to be useful for you. The internet is heaving with personal experiences, tips and advice from autistic women for dealing with experiences like yours.

I could have written your post myself but I am not autistic. Actually the opposite: I am perhaps too empathetic and am hyper-aware if I've annoyed someone. I wish I could barrel through live a bit better.

I have a bit of social anxiety and am an introvert (I'm not shy I just find interaction with people exhausting).

I set up my own business and have work from home for the last 15 years and I'm much happier for it.

Christ. Thank you all for replying. I feel a bit blindsided. Can anyone point me to anything else online? I'm looking at some things that seem to fit, but a lot that doesn't.

I was definitely a very odd child, though in large part I put it down to being an only child. I was bullied, and I read obsessively. I'm currently reading about children with ASD repeating television shows - I never watched much TV, but I would take on the accent/speech patterns/sayings of the characters in books (to the point where the children in school made fun of me and teachers referred to me as "the girl who spoke like the 17th century") however my parents always said this was because I was good at drama - which I was rather, and that doesn't seem to fit with having autism? I'm absolutely dreadful at Maths and not particularly interested in technology either.

@JoyFreeCake YES to getting the union involved when apparently you secretly aren't supposed to, that's exactly what happened, and dear god have I shot myself in the foot as a result. But what else are they there for? I thought it was a natural progression, when employers start twatting about. Wish I hadn't bothered, I won't again.

to those who say autism can i ask what difference it makes?
then what ?
in what way does thinking autism help?
genuine

I dunno if right now you need to worry about whether you exactly fit this pattern or that pattern. I think it's more that this could be an avenue to explore, a way of more quickly finding people who have shared some of your struggles and who may have found coping strategies.

BTW I'm extremely verbal (have just finished an English degree) and was an early and good talker, was good at drama at school, and I fucking hate trains.

op everyone will be nervous about going back to work tbh.
you will all be glad to see each other i bet.

Crowded: makes it a lot easier to find info and other people when you have terminology that narrows things down. If I want to do a search for workplace difficulties and I know that I have traits that match with those of people who have, say, ADHD, I can use the term ADHD to narrow down the results to what's most likely to be useful.

I could have written your post myself but I am not autistic. Actually the opposite: I am perhaps too empathetic and am hyper-aware if I've annoyed someone. I wish I could barrel through live a bit better.

This describes me to a tee and I have a diagnosis of Autism.