Good Christ why am I such a rotten bitch

[Mirrormirrorinthecar]

I got my return to work date today and I just can't bear it.

I haven't enjoyed lockdown, but it's been bliss to be away from people. I want to be good at my job, but I am so shit at it. I am overqualified for it. I have a degree I never use. My colleagues hate me and I don't even know why, except I always seem to say the wrong thing, though I couldn't tell you what the wrong thing is. I have no compassion for anyone any more, I just think they should get the fuck on with it and stop moaning, because that's what I have had to do. I have had plenty of difficulties in my own life, and nobody has given me shit all sympathy or understanding. I'm utterly crap at my job, I never seem to understand all the unspoken rules and etiquette. I'd like to retrain but I've wasted my student loan on the shitty degree that everyone told me I should do. I would be no good at anything anyway. I'd fuck it up. I'm too blunt and impatient. I'm no good to anyone. I'm just twisted all out of shape I suppose. All my life I've felt as though I'm on the sidelines looking on at normal people having normal lives, but I never knew what was actually wrong with me. I've tried desperately to have a normal life, and for a while I can mimic it, but then I fuck it up again. I wish I could work from home forever and then I wouldn't have to inflict myself on other people any more.

Supercee, it is hard with friendships and romantic relationships. I've struggled over the years. But I've had counselling and that really helped with self-acceptance and a better understanding of why other people behave in certain ways. It may be worth a try.

I think I've got a much better idea of how I'd want to meet guys now if I were single. I would be a disaster on dating sites, where witty repartee and social chitchat is at a premium. But doing activities where I'd have shared interests with guys would work much better. So you'd get to know people while not under pressure, just naturally enjoying yourself.

Have you looked at Meet Up and found some activities that men would do. Like under 40s walking groups, sailing, book clubs, bird watching, tennis, film societies, volunteering etc (apologies if they're not your bag, but you get my drift)?

All my life I've felt as though I'm on the sidelines looking on at normal people having normal lives, but I never knew what was actually wrong with me. I've tried desperately to have a normal life, and for a while I can mimic it, but then I fuck it up again.

I could've written that myself, that is exactly how I feel. Can't offer any insights but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone with this. It's shit.

I have thought of being a teacher, it's all I ever wanted to do really, but I haven't because I thought that if I struggle with the social aspect of work to the extent I already do (in an "easy" job) then a PGCE and NQT year would probably reach Hindenburg levels of crash and burn. I struggled a lot with university, to the point where I made myself ill with stress and didn't do as well as I should have (2.2 from RG uni, when if they'd just locked me in a room with books and fed me through the door I would be waving around a 2.1 at least. That's absolutely not me boasting and doing an "it's someone else's fault" - i have little to boast about - on one memorable occasion I missed class because I didn't know where the toilets were, was too scared to ask, and was then too afraid to go into class in case I wet myself or had to run out in a hurry. Oh the shame)

Thank you all so, so much. My brain feels like mush trying to absorb all this, and I need to reread everything and look at links and things, and I feel a bit tearful and fragile - but thank you

OP, have some and a . You sound lovely. I hope you can use this time/crisis as the starting point of a lovely new life. (You've heard the story about the chinese pictogram for crisis being the same as opportunity? I don't know if it's true, but the idea resonates, regardless).

I think lots of people, suddenly forced to drop everything, have seen there are a lot of situations and things they've fallen into doing that they never wanted to really do in the first place. All the very best.

Gosh I read this post to dp and it brought tears to my eyes as it resonated so much with me and was so heartfelt. Don't know what advice to give but you are not alone
I suspect I'm on the spectrum (appreciate that might not be the right terminology) and have always been on the edge of things, particularly at work. I also fret about things I've said, dwell on things that have happened, even when I'm not at fault. Age has mellowed me tbh, I don't expect much from others so never disappointed, just do my best. Take care op.

Holy moly, be a teacher!

Do you know how many schools are crying out for teachers?! And how many kids could really use someone like you - intelligent, caring and thoughtful - to help them out?

Social skills can be worked on, learned and improved. Anxiety ditto. You may always have to make an extra effort, but sometimes that means you get better at doing it than those who do it without trying, if that makes sense. PLUS many, many children struggle with these things too, you could really help out there. They might help you, even. A good teacher learns from their students, too.

OP, I could have written your post almost exactly. I have ASD. I am a very high achiever but I never have any friends! I'd just like you to know that I do appreciate the obscure facts. I also do that 'over-explaining' thing where you feel the need to justify the entire thought process behind something, but the other person doesn't give a crap and you don't really actually care either. Then they think you're odd and start to leave you out of things.

@Mirrormirrorinthecar

I have thought of being a teacher, it's all I ever wanted to do really, but I haven't because I thought that if I struggle with the social aspect of work to the extent I already do (in an "easy" job) then a PGCE and NQT year would probably reach Hindenburg levels of crash and burn. I struggled a lot with university, to the point where I made myself ill with stress and didn't do as well as I should have (2.2 from RG uni, when if they'd just locked me in a room with books and fed me through the door I would be waving around a 2.1 at least. That's absolutely not me boasting and doing an "it's someone else's fault" - i have little to boast about - on one memorable occasion I missed class because I didn't know where the toilets were, was too scared to ask, and was then too afraid to go into class in case I wet myself or had to run out in a hurry. Oh the shame)

Thank you all so, so much. My brain feels like mush trying to absorb all this, and I need to reread everything and look at links and things, and I feel a bit tearful and fragile - but thank you

And now I'm REALLY crying!! OP you're funny and sweet and I'd be your friend in a heartbeat! xx

Thanks @Pinklynx. Thing is I'm ok on the talking over dating sites part, I can hide behind a keyboard and be me, it's the real life meeting that's the struggle.

Lockdown has made me realise I need to get out there and get a hobby (which doesn't involve sitting drinking too much wine, but that's another thread). I downloaded the Meet up app ages ago but didn't do anything about it so will revisit that once restrictions are lifted.

Op, I could have written your post. It’s a daily struggle, like fumbling with a foreign language. You need to focus on all the brilliant decent things about yourself.l - and there will be plenty.

I make myself remember I may not be life & soul of the party, but I don’t bitch about people behind their backs, I don’t get cliquey on social media, I don’t gossip, I genuinely work hard, my boss knows I will work all hours to sort a problem (which is why he keeps me on). I may not get jokes but I am kind. I couldn’t do “mean girl” if I tried.
I think you need to move jobs somewhere you can use your degree and are valued. You need a boss who gives you confidence and is not threatened by you. Don’t change your name. You may not know it but there will be plenty of people who rate you.

I wish some of you guys could see how lovely you are from someone observing from the outside: interesting, thoughtful, self-aware, caring of other people's feelings.

OP nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with boasting. It sounds like you need to do a bit more of it because what you call boasting, just actually sounds like admitting to what you're good at.

Supercee good luck with Meet Up. FWIW you seem funny, intelligent and interesting and self-deprecating - all great qualities.

I used to be a teacher and I was really really good with the kids. I could just feel what they didn't understand.

But MY GOD I struggled with observations. Just thinking about it now brings me out in a cold sweat.

And directives from the government that actually harmed children's learning.

Bits were painful in the end but my goodness I LOVED those kids.

I'd give it a go OP. It's so worth it.

@Mirrormirrorinthecar - I haven't read every single message but wanted to send you and strength.

I think you sound lovely - I think you'd be an awesome friend - I may be neurotypical but I'm bookish and LOVE obscure facts! (though mine are predominantly about London Transport...)

I hope you can get the support you need from your GP and find a job where you are valued & happy

But London Transport is an interesting topic

ARGH

TRAINS

NOOOOOO

@Mirrormirrorinthecar

I think once they can get rid of me they will. I work in a small area, in a job where people absolutely despise unions, and I had to get one involved a few years ago when work were playing silly buggers with contracts. I know that was the right thing to do but in hindsight I should have just shut up and looked for another job. Now I've marked my card as a trouble maker, and I can't move right now and am limited to what I do. I have a fairly distinctive name and was actually considering changing it so people didn't recognise who I was. I wish I could be invisible.

I did just this. Changed my name -but for certain things. I have a work name and a 'home name'. No one where I live knows me from paperwork or social media. Perfectly legal. Because of my job I am well known in my area of the country and I have to make unpopular decisions at times- I can't please everyone. I long to 'move' across the country -literally across the country. I'd like to do this in years to come but the friends I have worked so hard to get will then be 6 hours away. I have a maximum of 20 working years left and I keep thinking in 5-10 years I will move, but work 30 miles away from where I live.

Seek an appointment with both a proper counsellor and also a carrer advisor. You can change jobs. Even if you save up and volunteer for 6 months elsewhere and get a reference for them. As for social equiette -I have a friend who is in the military they work high up in HR and just don't get other people -they really don't. Although they are good at their job as it mainly paperwork based.They recently discovered she is autistic and also has 'emotional' blindness -she can't judge people's expressions and she's actually learning how to learn In my mid 40s I've decided to write a book -I'm crap at spelling and grammar due to various reasons including dyslexia but I have a good idea and I'm writing it for my own sake not anyone else. Do you have any hobbies, family or can you volunteer and split you work life into work and home as two separate things.

It's really common for autistic people to find it much easier to deal with people who are outside their peer group. Trying to fit in to a group that you 'should' do but don't is much harder than dealing with a group you know you aren't part of. So as an adult you don't expect to be part of the group of children in your class. As you say, fitting in with the teachers would be the tricky bit.

Also OP re finding your tribe: you are simply in the wrong crowd of people at work. I went back to work last year after not having worked for 16 years due to ill-health. The first place I worked at I absolutely hated it - I felt unsupported, tearful and panicky the entire time. I left after 4 months and found another job where I truly have found my tribe and am very happy. You can do it and we're all behind you! xx

@CrowdedHouseinQuarantine

But London Transport is an interesting topic

Hells Yeah! :) @CrowdedHouseinQuarantine

@JoyFreeCake

ARGH

TRAINS

NOOOOOO

Actually I'm more of a bus girl ;)

Hi @Mirrormirrorinthecar I haven't RTFT but had to reply as I relate a lot to your OP. I am v similar to you I think (except that I can't be blunt, I'm too shit scared of other people so don't do anything to rock the boat ever and am a pathological people-pleaser). Other people probably think I'm very shy, boring, have no opinions about anything because I'm too scared to voice them because desperate to fit in. I also feel on the outside ALL the time and like I just don't 'get it'. This makes me shit at my job too though on the face of it I should be great at it because I'm reasonably intelligent and dedicated (ie follow the rules to a t and am v efficient). I just sit in meetings totally silent every single time, don't contribute anything useful, and it's actually really embarrassing.

Anyway enough about me. I just wanted to say you're not alone, I don't have a solution though I'm afraid. I think I have ASD, prob high-functioning Aspergers, and if I thought the Dr could give me a pill to cure it I'd go and pursue a diagnosis. I scored 34 on that quiz I think. However I know there is no 'cure', I'm too embarrassed to 'come out' as ASD at work although there are lots of people who have and speak openly about it. They're all young though whereas it feels hopelessly pathetic to be an autistic middle-aged mum. I feel like people would feel sorry for me, they already think I'm a weirdo.

The only solution I can think of for me is to get made redundant and hope my DH gets a big pay rise so I can just stop working. That's not going to happen though. Sounds like retraining is an option for you though and I would say just do it. I wish I had years ago when I had the chance - eking out the (many) days until retirement is no way to live, take it from me!

OP, you sound like me. I work freelance now!

I also immediately thought of autism when I read your post. FWIW I have two autistic daughters and am pretty certain I'm autistic myself. I have found lockdown a huge, huge relief from all the stress and expectations involved in the interactions in daily life and am not looking forward to going back to work.

@Pinklynx 💐 thank you. So do you.