Good Christ why am I such a rotten bitch

[Mirrormirrorinthecar]

I got my return to work date today and I just can't bear it.

I haven't enjoyed lockdown, but it's been bliss to be away from people. I want to be good at my job, but I am so shit at it. I am overqualified for it. I have a degree I never use. My colleagues hate me and I don't even know why, except I always seem to say the wrong thing, though I couldn't tell you what the wrong thing is. I have no compassion for anyone any more, I just think they should get the fuck on with it and stop moaning, because that's what I have had to do. I have had plenty of difficulties in my own life, and nobody has given me shit all sympathy or understanding. I'm utterly crap at my job, I never seem to understand all the unspoken rules and etiquette. I'd like to retrain but I've wasted my student loan on the shitty degree that everyone told me I should do. I would be no good at anything anyway. I'd fuck it up. I'm too blunt and impatient. I'm no good to anyone. I'm just twisted all out of shape I suppose. All my life I've felt as though I'm on the sidelines looking on at normal people having normal lives, but I never knew what was actually wrong with me. I've tried desperately to have a normal life, and for a while I can mimic it, but then I fuck it up again. I wish I could work from home forever and then I wouldn't have to inflict myself on other people any more.

Your post could be me, OP. Also recently been wondering if I could have ASD. I've been reading Aspergirls and it's been enlightening. I've always felt "not right" in my body, I've always been very mature in my mind, very rigid in my thinking, found it difficult to maintain friendships ( I can mask socialising for an evening but then need days to recover from mental exhaustion). I really felt that my issues appeared when I went to university but in hindsight I think that's when I became aware of being painfully different and was unable to mask 24/7 (at home with my parents I could drop the guard down in the evenings).

Has anyone on here sought a diagnosis privately? I'm aware of the fact this is probably not something my GP will be able to guide me through and I hate going to them with any mental health problems having had my issues brushed off when I first went as a teenager.

I could also have written @bobbythejobby's post. Word for word.

I am late 30's and this thread has been an eye opener. I feel like I watch other people navigate life with ease - meet someone, have a child, a job, big group of friends.

Apart from the job aspect I struggle with the rest. Although I am never satisfied in my jobs and colleagues easily irritate me although I do feel liked.

I feel no one, literally no one understands me and I do fall out with people a lot. I feel like my standards of how my friends and family should behave towards me are perhaps too high. I ruminate a lot. I feel intensely lonely and would love a large friendship group, but also wouldn't at the same time, if that makes any sort of sense.

Off to look at some of the resources posted to see if this applies to me. I think you sound lovely OP.

(Also hyper aware of emotions here. I can spot if someone is getting upset before others can, I am very empathetic, absorb others emotions and can have my day ruined if my boss/parent is in a bad mood because I become extremely anxious/jumpy/in a bad mood myself)

In social situations I constantly worry that I'm being interesting enough, saying the right things but then when I do say something I feel no one is listening to me.

OP so much of what you said resonates. I've been thinking for a while that I have autistic traits. I can get on with people but it doesn't come naturally and I have to try harder to fit in. It can be exhausting. I also have a son who has similar issues.

I really struggle with executive function. For instance if someone gives me a list of instructions, I'm flummoxed after the first one. I also find it difficult to infer things from instructions. I need it spelled out to me. I have to work hard to be organised and I get muddled easily.

The best thing I did was to find a job that I love. Then you don't worry so much about what everyone thinks. Something which doesn't require so much planning and organisation. I'm self employed as well which helps.

Self compassion is vital. You can't worry about anyone else until you've been kind to yourself. People tend to be a bit intolerant of difference, so it's even more important that you look after yourself. I've always been way too concerned about other people and their feelings and I think you end up with compassion fatigue. Have you thought about having some counselling so you can learn self-acceptance and coping strategies?

I was exactly the same about Uni. I thought everyone would have deep conversations about important things. Sadly there were instead endless debates about who was going out with who and why no one had done the washing up .

Btw if I knew you, I'm sure I'd think you were fab.

Aw @RhubarbTea your post actually made me tear up xx

Oh and I was always fighting crusades at work too about things that everyone moaned to be about but they all disappeared once I had taken on the battle!

Depending on whether you have £800 or not, you don’t necessarily need to go through your GP. Find a clinical psychologist who specialises in adult women and autism. It’s a day of testing and a report (or was for DD).

Bear in mind that anxiety and frustration with yourself (because of an atypical ability profile and a general sense of “I’m sometimes brilliant, it must be my fault I’m not that way all the time”) is related to this too. Good luck!

@supercee I could have written everything you posted. It's so spot on!

@Pinklynx yours too. I can empathise with being flummoxed at lists of instructions - I completely shut down xx

@rosinavera

Aw *@RhubarbTea* your post actually made me tear up xx

Aww, thanks xx

I went to a university stuffed with autists. Highly recommend 👍😆

My point being that when you do find others like you, it's fantastic, and I'm sad that university wasn't like that for others here.

Supercee exactly that. I'd like a big group of friends but wouldn't at the same time. And yy about not being interesting enough and then people not listening when I do speak. I also regularly get it wrong about when to speak in groups. I either talk over someone or miss the moment and the conversation has moved on. It's like if it was a dance, I'm working to a different rhythm to everyone else.

Unlike many people who struggle socially I'm not great with one to one meetings as I find the effort to sustain the conversation really tiring. And how the hell do people manage small talk?

@roseinvera it's so frustrating isn't it? I'm reasonably bright in other ways but I feel such a fool when I can't follow simple instructions .

But these days I think it's just that my brain works differently to other people's - like with dyslexia or something. So I'm very good at other things, like seeing the bigger picture or working out where something doesn't fit, in a situation. Once you realise it's not your fault, it's like having blue eyes or brown eyes, it's soooo much easier to be kind to yourself.

[quote Pinklynx]@roseinvera it's so frustrating isn't it? I'm reasonably bright in other ways but I feel such a fool when I can't follow simple instructions .

But these days I think it's just that my brain works differently to other people's - like with dyslexia or something. So I'm very good at other things, like seeing the bigger picture or working out where something doesn't fit, in a situation. Once you realise it's not your fault, it's like having blue eyes or brown eyes, it's soooo much easier to be kind to yourself. [/quote]
I often read Mumsnet and despair at how unkind people are to each other but this thread is uplifting! xx

Hi OP.

Very similar experiences to you and I have also been diagnosed with adult autism. I was diagnosed in my early twenties after I really struggled at university despite being very academically able. Although I graduated, I never used my degree and have always struggled with jobs and working with others.

I was diagnosed because autism runs in the family - my dad and his sister have both been diagnosed and it's highly likely their dad was autistic as well, though he died in his nineties without a diagnosis. I rate similar to you on tests.

Please know you are not a bitch. You're not NT and yet you're having to pretend to you are in order to "fit in" and it's bloody exhausting. I think being autistic when it's not visible is actually incredibly difficult because people assume you're NT. I mean, I can drive, I'm married, I can run a house, I've held managerial positions at work - my dad was a highly skilled doctor and his dad was a professor - people assume that if you can do all those things and live a relatively (on the outside) normal life, then you can't possibly be autistic.

They still view people with autism as people who are in residential care because they're violent/meltdown daily/can't speak/whatever other stereotype they can come up with - they don't see all the thousands of people who are just going around "masking" in order to hide what's really going on underneath.

I hope you're okay

@Pinklynx oh God absolutely! Small talk hell! I think I feel liked by colleagues as they don't get to know the real 'me' as I keep a lot to myself and can put on an act.

My few real life friends have called me 'difficult' on numerous occasions and don't understand why I react to things, despite me trying to explain. And my friends have loads of other friends/friend groups/WhatsApp group chats etc. My friend list has definitely dwindled. I think I've been in denial for a while now that I'm on the spectrum.

And don't get me started on romantic relationships! My last 3 or 4 start off as seeing each other, I get hopeful, then it gets friend zoned before getting to the official stage, for whatever reason. It definitely must be me, which doesn't do much for the old self esteem. I don't act too keen but I'm starting to give up ever finding someone.

We should start a support group!

I don't mean this in a bad way as I have them myself, but have you thought that you might have autistic traits? I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD with autistic traits until my early 40s.

It makes sense to me of why I find social interactions etc so difficult. It helps me forgive myself when I cock up. It's explained a lot of my past.

You've been given some great advice already and it's always good to see the stereotypical views like 'if you can make eye contact and you have empathy you can't possibly be autistic' confronted for the rubbish that they are. Also remember that much of the diagnostic criteria is geared towards the standard male presentation of autism and as yet there's no female presentation criteria recognised internationally although the Lorna Wing Centre, Judith Gould, Daphne Keen and several others have made it their life's work to make inroads into that.

Anxiety is a "driver" for autism, the higher your anxiety state, the more likely other people are to notice your autistic traits. Also, autism rarely presents on its own, usually there are one or more co-morbid conditions. Sensory Processing presents so commonly with autism that it was included in the diagnostic criteria at the last review.

The internet is a great resource, but there's a lot of dross to plough through before you find information pertinent to your own presentation of the condition. Here are a few links I hope you'll find helpful.
Sensory Processing, this is the most informative booklet about SPD that I've ever read www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

Explanation of the spectrum neuroclastic.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

MN's SN boards are among the best I've read. This is the 19th support thread for neurodiverse adults www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnetters_with_sn/3883677-Neurodiversity-support-thread-for-women-with-suspected-diagnosed-or-self-diagnosed-autism-ADHD-and-other-NDs-19

How-to of adult diagnosis both NHS and private www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx

One thing about diagnosis, if you do go for one and are given it, then it goes on your medical record as Primary Diagnosis, which means that any treatment you're given should take that into account, e.g. if you were offered some form of talk therapy then it should be given by someone who knows how to communicate with people who have autism rather than the standard version for NT's.

Another benefit of dx is reasonable adjustments can be made at work if you need them.

Do remember that if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. No descriptions will feel as though they describe you exactly, because only your own individual profile will do that.

I think I'd be terrified of going to the GP I think. I'd be worried she'd laugh me out the door
Your GP shouldn't laugh you out of the door, (although some are woefully ignorant about autism) if you want to pursue a dx, then take some supporting evidence, the AQ score is a good one, plus any other observations you make when you've read about autism and think 'that bit sounds like me'

The only people you should listen to who definitively state you can not or do not have autism are people who are qualified to carry out the diagnostic procedure and have done so for you.
Anyone else including GPs, therapists, teachers/mentors, coaches, close friends, family, are not qualified to make a diagnosis so their opinion is irrelevant.

Well, I would be your friend, OP!

Regarding the ironing: don't do it. Line-dry (or use the steam dry function on the tumble dryer, if the fabric allows) and hang them up. It also reduced clutter in your wardrobe. If you absolutely have to, iron the night before.

By the sounds of it, you have identified three areas to tackle.

1. You hate your job. I would look at retraining as a tutor or teacher, if you think that will suit (more opportunities than TA, if also more stress). Either way, make a plan to get out of there. Life is too short to spend 35 hours a week at somewhere that depresses you.

2. Look for your tribe. It sounds like you have found a small corner of it here, on Mumsnet. If you feel up to it, look into volunteering, book clubs, sports...whatever interests you and shares your values. Larger organisations have a better chance of having like minded souls 😉

3. Finally, explore counselling and diagnosis. Other posters have said it better, but you have dreadful critical imp on your shoulder and a little outside kindness and a place to reflect could be helpful. It was for me.

Good luck.

Have you ever considered becoming a teacher OP? If you enjoyed being a teaching assistant so much and the kids seemed to really enjoy working with you it might be a rewarding way forward for you.

If you were interested in going down the teaching route, and if, after doing some research you really think you might have ASD, it might well be worth looking at getting a formal diagnosis as this could be really helpful to have for raising awareness of any difficulties you might face on course and getting relevant support if needed. (This is an area that I'm involved in.)

I agree at looking into teaching
You could do tutoring as a sideline to help financially. Schools are crying out for teachers

OP, I'm so glad you posted. You sound great. For your own happiness and well-being I think you should move on from your workplace. Yep, lots of ASD type signs but the primary reason is that you are not happy, it's causing you grief and no one should be enduring that. Not every situation can be made to work, even when you go through the soul destroying motions of quieting down and playing nice with BNP Tina. This place is not good for you, make a plan to leave. Don't wait until you've got the perfect spot to go to, just find somewhere else you can make a living whilst you're learning and researching what you do actually need. At least you won't have to deal with all the shit dynamics and history whilst you search for a better, healthier path. Also, FWIW, I think you've found your tribe.

If you are on the autism spectrum how about actually specialising in teaching autistic kids (not sure if that is a thing?) My nephew is 8 and just been diagnosed as being dyslexic and it's been a long hard slog for my sister to get help for him (not even sure you could say he is getting any help). How amazing if someone with experience of it could teach young kids xx