Good Christ why am I such a rotten bitch

[Mirrormirrorinthecar]

I got my return to work date today and I just can't bear it.

I haven't enjoyed lockdown, but it's been bliss to be away from people. I want to be good at my job, but I am so shit at it. I am overqualified for it. I have a degree I never use. My colleagues hate me and I don't even know why, except I always seem to say the wrong thing, though I couldn't tell you what the wrong thing is. I have no compassion for anyone any more, I just think they should get the fuck on with it and stop moaning, because that's what I have had to do. I have had plenty of difficulties in my own life, and nobody has given me shit all sympathy or understanding. I'm utterly crap at my job, I never seem to understand all the unspoken rules and etiquette. I'd like to retrain but I've wasted my student loan on the shitty degree that everyone told me I should do. I would be no good at anything anyway. I'd fuck it up. I'm too blunt and impatient. I'm no good to anyone. I'm just twisted all out of shape I suppose. All my life I've felt as though I'm on the sidelines looking on at normal people having normal lives, but I never knew what was actually wrong with me. I've tried desperately to have a normal life, and for a while I can mimic it, but then I fuck it up again. I wish I could work from home forever and then I wouldn't have to inflict myself on other people any more.

OP I wonder if reading some resources for teenage girls and women with ASD might be helpful? The psychologist Tony Atwood writes a lot about girls with autism. The Girl with the Curly Hair is another one to have a look at.
💐
(😂 at BNP Tina)

It's such a shame that it wasn't investigated when you were at school, your life could have been a lot easier.🌷

Having a diagnosis doesn't change having autism, but it helps you to understand your thoughts/feelings/reactions etc.

Lots of great suggestions about what to do now.

Good luck finding a happier balance in life 🌷

By the way, I am a primary school teacher. I find some aspects of the job really challenging but it also really suits me. I love working with kids and though am not looking forward to having to deal with multiple interactions and lots going on again after the peace of lockdown, I have no doubt that it is the right job for me.

OP, I think you found your tribe!

I agree about the counselling OP.

It is never too late to restart in your profession. Especially if you do not have dependent kids. There are literally loads of training options out there.

I have no idea of your age but I suspect no more than mid forties. I think you should try and determine a job area that would bring you some satisfaction and try and draw up plans to move into that area. it may take 5 - 10 years and not bring you there but may bring you close. One thing for sure is that you wont get there if you don make a start.

I haven't read all of the thread bu try and reengage with family / friends if you have not done so as it looks to me as if you need some support.

I'd always thought of my autistic traits as character failings, really - so knowing it's almost certainly autism has made me view myself completely differently. It's transformed my self esteem and helped me to stop blaming myself for not being like other people.

mmmm,I'm not sure about this rush to point to autism. I feel the OP has chised the wrong degree( why? to please somebody else?), has discovered the joys of avoiding the office politics an has had a shed load of time to ruminate. Plus we are existing in one the mose challenging times ever.

Maybe take it easy and find a good therapist.

chosen/most.

sorry for typos

OP, I know a growing number of women who are getting autism and ADHD diagnoses in their late 30s and 40s. Often linked to their children being assessed and they read the information and think “oh god, that is me!”

It has been a relief for all of them, for those wondering what benefit a diagnosis has in later life. They all felt like they were failures, that they were doing something wrong. To realise that they aren’t just not trying hard enough is huge. Knowing doesn't change the struggles, but it can change how you feel about them and how you manage them. It means you can start reading about the subject, hear from other neurodivergent people about how they handle things, and come up with more strategies.

The stereotypical view of autism has massively let down many autistic people, especially women. Especially the view that autism means no empathy. That one definitely needs slapping down.

@Mirrormirrorinthecar

I have thought of being a teacher, it's all I ever wanted to do really, but I haven't because I thought that if I struggle with the social aspect of work to the extent I already do (in an "easy" job) then a PGCE and NQT year would probably reach Hindenburg levels of crash and burn. I struggled a lot with university, to the point where I made myself ill with stress and didn't do as well as I should have (2.2 from RG uni, when if they'd just locked me in a room with books and fed me through the door I would be waving around a 2.1 at least. That's absolutely not me boasting and doing an "it's someone else's fault" - i have little to boast about - on one memorable occasion I missed class because I didn't know where the toilets were, was too scared to ask, and was then too afraid to go into class in case I wet myself or had to run out in a hurry. Oh the shame)

Thank you all so, so much. My brain feels like mush trying to absorb all this, and I need to reread everything and look at links and things, and I feel a bit tearful and fragile - but thank you

I wouldn't dismiss teacher training completely out of hand OP. Yes, there will be core competencies that you have to achieve but there can be ways of managing stress and developing strategies to overcome difficulties you face.

This is partly my line of work (albeit not for teacher training courses, but other qualifications), providing support for students with ASD so that barriers can be removed as far as possible. We offer regular support appointments with our students to identify difficulties early on, find work-arounds, exam arrangements and prevent anxiety from becoming unmanageable. Lecturers are aware of support needs (as long as we have permission to make them aware) and reasonable adjustments are made.

You could find you have a lot to offer!

Anyway, this post is jumping the gun because of course none of us know if ASD fits for you. However if you think it might, and do end up looking at getting assessed for this it does not to be a barrier for teacher training - in fact that bit of paper might help you get support and develop the strategies you need to achieve further.

I haven't read the full thread but the thing that stood out to me from your OP is that you are just in the wrong job and that you have lost your confidence, from being in the wrong job.

There was a time when you could take interim jobs like admin or temping to get you to where you wanted to be. those jobs have become careers within themselves and require a full on focus to succeed in. I think you are failing because you cant be bothered because it doesnt interest you or marry up with the intensity of your degree course.

It sounds like you would be good with specialist, niche work, to me.

My last post left me feeling like you did but I could see that I was being set up to fail in some places - not necessarily on purpose but because somethings just weren't in place correctly (resources, etc). It wasn't a true reflection of my ability or output. It might be that the same is true for you - just a mismatch and beacuse you have always been conscious of it, you have always tried extra hard to fit yourself into spaces that actually just aren't right for you.

Be you, first.

I have felt like you as long as I can remember.
I am now 58 and have just had part one of my assessment via video meeting, due to the current non face to face. I was originally told I would be waiting at least a year for first assessment. I don't know if I have been "seen" earlier because of this change.
I do hope you find another career/job that suits you better. Also if you do decide to be assessed for autism that whatever the outcome it will help you 😊

Hi OP,
Just wanted to say hello, that you sound awesome and that I totally 'get' how you feel.
I have no dx of autism but both my children do and my father is definitely an undxed Aspie. I score between 34 and 37 on the AQ test depending on my mood!
I have felt out of step with the world for most of my life. My early school days were fabulous - I went to a very small and very traditional convent where we sat in rows and worked in silence. I was at teh same school from 5 to 15 and had the same class mates. I moved schools at 15 to a very large, mixed school and plunged into hell. My nickname at school was Tomsk - because my out of step clothes and hair made one of the boys say I looked like a womble.

I have struggled all my life to understand what people 'wanted' of me. I never know what any one is thinking and thus tend to decide they are thinking ill of me. I'm a bloody good actor though as my children.

I, too, have a degree I have never used although mine is in a pretty useless subject (Agricultural Economics - no, I don't know what it really is either and I studied it!) My 'failure' was compounded by the fact that I grew up in the era of the really big push of girls into science and engineering. I have a good memory and so did well in the sciences. My step father did not value the other subjects and so I was pushed into A levels I was not cut out for. It became apparent to everyone that I may have doen well at O level but I just did not have the understanding needed for the sciences. I crashed and burned at A level and had to retake. I got onto my degree because a set of extenuating circumstances meant my A level grades could ahve been caused by that.

I really wanted to do English, French and History and be a Librarian......

I was a primary school teacher for YEARS. I'm a bloody good teacher - I'm just absolutely SHIT at the nonsense that goes with it and I developed performance anxiety around teaching while being observed. I was managed out of the profession. I'm now a 121 TA workign with children with Autism and GDD. I'm a damn good TA and my workplace values me because I can see what each child needs and develop a program for them. However someone else has to do the paperwork and evidence gathering because I just CAN'T.

I struggle to 'run' a house which makes me feel a failure. I am surrounded by a million started projects - half written books, part finished sewing projects, almost finished crochet toys and blankets.

My DD has PDA and ADHD (well, ADD actually) and I suspect I have some form of ASC and ADD to boot.

At the moment I am loving the slower pace of life brought on by lockdown but at the same time beating myself up for 'wasting it' by not decluttering everything, redecorating, learnign a new skill.......

So, in short, I hear you and I'm sending you some love. You are enough.

I feel worthless in the world but I know, because my lovely DH tells me, that I am not.

I blagged it through Primary and had a few odd friends at Secondary. Also ended up in the wrong job.Not because I have a syndrome, but because I made bad choices and had shit parents.

How are you feeling today Mirror?

I'm feeling OK, it's been an odd few days and I feel quite drained emotionally. I've been reading some of the links suggested, and a lot of it does seem to fit. I'm conscious of not wanting to armchair diagnose myself though, in general I feel it disrespectful to those who have/are getting diagnosed with something. I don't know if I would want to go to my GP or not: this time yesterday it would be a definite no, but the more I think about it, the more I think that having an explanation for the way I am would be a relief, as a PP said they felt themselves. But then again there's no guarantees, and maybe either way I could come out feeling worse. Also I don't know how to contact my clinic right now, or how they are managing appointments, so that can wait a little longer

I have found some tips/suggestions on how to manage certain situations, they do make sense, and I shall use them.

I've also had some further information on how social distancing etc will be managed in work, and it actually might be easier for me - it is going to be a lot easier to avoid certain colleagues, for example, and a lot of the aspects I struggle with are going to change - communication via email rather than face to face etc.

Regarding emails, I tie myself in knots over them sometimes, as although I still prefer them to face to face, I struggle to know how to get the tone right, how to sound pleasant yet professional, that sort of thing. Reading the rafts of emails flying about today, I realised that 99% of my colleagues send brusque one liners,meanwhile I'm making a fool of myself with manners and correct layout. So I'm going to stop tying myself in knots and use one liners myself, and fuck it.

I've also looked into a few options re getting out of my job eventually - for a number of reasons, I have to stay where I am for another few years, but there's a few things I could set in motion soonish that could bear fruit in the future.

Altogether I feel a lot more positive, though strangely fragile and small,a bit like you do after a childhood illness,rather like I need an adult to come along and take charge, and tell me what the matter is and that it will be OK.

I think the hard part will be being kind to myself and working on finding my compassion for myself and others. I don't know where to start with that, but hopefully if life starts to feel a little easier and less incomprehensible, then that will follow.

I am so, so grateful to everyone who has replied and messaged. When I posted this, I felt just about as hopeless and desolate and hateful as a person could do, and no matter what the outcome is, I'm forever grateful for the kind words and the strength you all gave me to take another step forward

That's a beautiful post. Maybe a view to another path rather than a list of steps? I'll always be glad to hear about your thoughts and processes and finding that compassion for yourself may be hard but it's a good find.

I think that you need to remember what you said in your OP: I have no compassion for anyone any more.

You're not a compassionless bitch or an unempathetic automaton; you're probably depressed, probably burnt out, and around people who don't understand you and don't try to. People can only retain their compassion for so long before it's beaten out of them, when they're in the kind of situation you're in. Understanding yourself better might lead to ways to ease the situation to the extent that your natural self breaks back through the walls you've had to put up.

Mirrormirrorinthecar you have been given a huge amount of information and most of it is about things you'd never even thought of before, so please take your time and lots of it to sift through everything and assimilate it, find out what resonates with you and look into that when you feel the time is right and discard anything that doesn't apply to you.

There's no need to make any hasty decisions or take any drastic action immediately, but hopefully now you have more options to consider towards a more fulfilling future than you had when you started the thread.
I wish you luck in all your future endeavours

Dear me, OP, anyone who can write your last post is about as far from ‘a rotten bitch’ as it’s possible to be.

You sound self-aware, reflective, graceful, thoughtful and kind. A real class act. I’d be your friend in a heartbeat.

I strongly suspect that it’s not you - it’s them.

I would agree that it’s not you, it’s them, and that the job isn’t a good fit for you, not the other way around.

Would you even want to actively seek out a friendship with someone who has the qualities of ‘BNP Tina’? I suspect not.

If your colleagues are prioritising being ‘all friends together’ over concentrating on their jobs, then it’s certainly not up to you to try and fit in with them.

What a lovely update OP, you write so well. You seem like a fantastic person.

We are all just burnt out, exhausted. I could sleep for a year.

Really think about exploring the teacher training route. I work in ITT and 2 of my recent most successful trainees had an autism diagnosis. I sat together with them and their training schools at the start to work out some strategies to help overcome some of their main trigger areas. They will be fantastic teachers going forwars and were really successful in their training year. We need great teachers in our schools with a passion for teaching.

You sound a bit like the character Eleanor Oliphant.