Good Christ why am I such a rotten bitch

[Mirrormirrorinthecar]

I got my return to work date today and I just can't bear it.

I haven't enjoyed lockdown, but it's been bliss to be away from people. I want to be good at my job, but I am so shit at it. I am overqualified for it. I have a degree I never use. My colleagues hate me and I don't even know why, except I always seem to say the wrong thing, though I couldn't tell you what the wrong thing is. I have no compassion for anyone any more, I just think they should get the fuck on with it and stop moaning, because that's what I have had to do. I have had plenty of difficulties in my own life, and nobody has given me shit all sympathy or understanding. I'm utterly crap at my job, I never seem to understand all the unspoken rules and etiquette. I'd like to retrain but I've wasted my student loan on the shitty degree that everyone told me I should do. I would be no good at anything anyway. I'd fuck it up. I'm too blunt and impatient. I'm no good to anyone. I'm just twisted all out of shape I suppose. All my life I've felt as though I'm on the sidelines looking on at normal people having normal lives, but I never knew what was actually wrong with me. I've tried desperately to have a normal life, and for a while I can mimic it, but then I fuck it up again. I wish I could work from home forever and then I wouldn't have to inflict myself on other people any more.

The maths and technology thing is a bit of a stereotype and women with autism often don't fit the stereotype which is based more on how men with autism might feel.
Have a look at thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/ which has really good resources That are specific to girls.

OP
be confident in yourself.
like yourself.
accept yourself, and others will accept you

I'm absolutely dreadful at Maths and not particularly interested in technology either.

Just to note (gently and kindly) that while they are true of some, these are stereotypes of autism.

Thank you

I'll have a look at this. I do need coping strategist, either way. I had some, but they don't seem to be working any more

*am hyper-aware if I've annoyed someone. I wish I could barrel through live a bit better.

I have a bit of social anxiety and am an introvert (I'm not shy I just find interaction with people exhausting).*

Snap

Do you know what OP, I think you actually sound lovely! You certainly have a great sense of humour. I hope you're ok and everything works out for you.

It's essentially what diagnosis is for a lot of the time — if you go to the doctor with headache they'll ask questions to see whether you match any patterns, then if you match the pattern that is given the name "migraine", then the solutions that are most likely to work for you are the ones that work for other people with that pattern.

Apologies if I'm stereotyping - my only experience of autism has been with some young men who were indeed very maths/techy types, I suppose I did assume it was a thing sorry

If it's any consolation, there are thousands of people who have degrees and and do jobs in which they don't need their qualifications.

I know it's not helping you, but it's fairly common. Christ I have two degrees and I work in a print room. And it's not because I'm not ambitious, life just threw stuff at me and it's where I ended up. It's not how I judge myself though. I actually like my job, and I never ever mention my degree, or my previous career, or the book I published. Or the three languages that I speak.

Truth is, if you feel that your job is beneath you, your colleagues will feel it. Raise above it.

Thank you @ToykoSushi,that's very kind. I think I come across better on paper though often when I say something or make a joke at work, people either look confused or there's a silence. Also they don't seem to get when I'm joking.

As a child, when I used to talk to my mum about how I felt different and had no friends, my mum always said to me that I'd "find my tribe" someday, probably at university, where she believed people would be as bookish and as full of obscure facts as I was. She never went herself. Anyway, this never happened, tribe never found, uni people were not bookish and did not appreciate the obscure facts

i think you need to practice compassion, as you say, you have none. Search for some, even if its just platitudes.

Apologies if I'm stereotyping - my only experience of autism has been with some young men who were indeed very maths/techy types, I suppose I did assume it was a thing blush sorry

You don’t know what you don’t know until you know it I know I had some innocent misconceptions until I had cause to learn more for my own family; it’s been a learning curve. Society generally needs to better understand autism (as with so many things).

I don't think my job is beneath me at all, I'm cross at myself for wasting my degree, but that happened long before this job and for different reasons. If anything I'm disgusted at myself, because my job is something I should in fact be able to do well, and with ease, but I can't. Which then leads me to wonder what an utter pig's ear I'd make of a job that I was in fact qualified for. I think I've maybe mentioned my degree once, I certainly don't go on about it

I probably do need to practice compassion, but I find it so difficult to apply to myself, because I feel I do little to deserve it, and it feels self indulgent

something I should in fact be able to do well, and with ease, but I can't

I find many things easy that most other people think are really hard. Mostly academic stuff. But I'm utterly inept at basics and have been berated by people for not being able to do the stuff they find easy. But it doesn't work like that. Being able to spell pretty much anything first time without thinking about it does not automatically mean I'm going to be capable of heating up a tin of beans.

@Mirrormirrorinthecar

I don't think my job is beneath me at all, I'm cross at myself for wasting my degree, but that happened long before this job and for different reasons. If anything I'm disgusted at myself, because my job is something I should in fact be able to do well, and with ease, but I can't. Which then leads me to wonder what an utter pig's ear I'd make of a job that I was in fact qualified for. I think I've maybe mentioned my degree once, I certainly don't go on about it

In your earlier post you mention no one giving you compassion. You could be like me in that you just never give yourself compassion (so you don't hear it when others give it to you.)

My whole life I've internally screamed 'why can they get away with that?' but then I realised I am the one beating myself up and taking other people's criticisms very seriously (while others brush things off).

My job now has nothing to do with my degree either, OP.
If you ever think of swapping organisations, the police are a good one to work for if you do have problems. Maybe your expertise would fit there? It certainly interesting, "nosy" work with opportunities for progression for people from all walks of life.
I'd be your friend at work, OP, as I am sure many of the other, lovely posters on this thread would be x

I don't berate people who can't do the things I find easy but which the average person finds hard. But the things that the average person finds easy and I find hard? Surely I should be able to do that, everyone knows it's easy! Everyone can do that! 😒

Yeah no.

Different people are different and if you find that you're different in a way that some other people are also different in, then it doesn't really matter what the word is.

On further investigation it may turn out that you don't feel autism is a good fit for you, and fine. But even if that's the case, if you find some kind of commonality or connection there, or a greater understanding of yourself, or just tips on how to pretend you're interested in people who are incredibly boring, then it'll have been worth having a quick look into it I think. You don't have to label yourself.

Yes, that sounds familiar. I'm actually ok with household/organisation stuff now, but it's because I taught myself how to do it over a number of years, and have a fairly exacting organisational routine that I'm scared to deviate from or else it all falls apart. I don't do any ironing because I still can't work out how to fit it into the routine for a number of reasons - live in a wonky little cottage with no ironing board storage, nowhere to set it up and have it plugged in, plus it would mean having baskets of clean washing sitting around until I have a chance to do them, which would then be a slippery slope to everything going to shit again. Though I'll have to sort this out soon I suppose

Sorry, that was a ride on the boring express, no wonder my colleagues back away slowly

Something to consider... and I'm not an expert and may use the wrong HR terminology...

Autism comes under the category of protected characteristic under disability laws. ASAP, ask the GP about diagnosis and tell the HR department of work that you are doing so. It may well change how things are handled, and make your job more secure. They should make reasonable adjustments to help you work.

Get advice on it- but if you feel insecure at work do this ASAP.

Okay look up tips on executive functioning for that one 👍

Good point pickle — I was thinking in terms of OP's own self-understanding etc. rather than the necessities of employment stuff.

That resonates so much with me, Mirror.

That exacting organisation. Be very careful- I let mine go because I suffered a period of severe stress and developed a chronic illness. It felt great initially to let it all go, but I can't pick it up again. That ferocious organisation of my diary is a thing of the past and I barely know what day it is!

Also it sounds to me like your colleagues are cunts. But don't tell them I said that.

And yep same re: organisation. I can never only understand why I can only ever get 20% as much done as other people seem to, and that's with my Google calendar and phone reminders and schedules regimenting every aspect of my day.