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Original poster

Will a GP speak to DD about this? Need advice

104 replies

Lofgh · 18/06/2020 20:01

It's a tough thing to write and admit aloud. DD is 16. She had a very early miscarriage just before Christmas last year (16).

Her and her boyfriend are still 'together' but haven't spent much time together in a while because of Covid. She's a great kid and usually tells me everything and is very honest, not secretive etc.

I think she wants to be pregnant again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lofgh · 18/06/2020 20:02

Pressed send too soon!

Reason being is because I first noticed constant sharing of

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lymphopenia · 18/06/2020 20:02

What do you want a GP to say to her?

FedUpOfChangingName · 18/06/2020 20:04

Is there a reason she wants to be pregnant at 16?

I cant imagine a GP will talk to her about anything other than contraception

Original poster
Lofgh · 18/06/2020 20:05

Rubbish on Facebook, like cute baby videos etc. Then I found a pregnancy test in the bin around 6 weeks ago. Negative.

We all share an apple account for apps etc and I can see she's downloaded an app called 'Ovia' on her phone.

I've tried speaking to her about her loss and made clear another baby wouldn't help her. She said she didn't want to speak about that subject. So I left it. Then I got her a bracelet charm thing to keep as a reminder of her miscarriage as I think she needs to mark her loss because there won't be another baby anytime soon.

She never wears it and didn't really even say thanks when it was bought.

I'm wondering if DD agrees, the GP can have a chat with her? Maybe suggest some counselling.

I'm so worried Sad

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Original poster
Lofgh · 18/06/2020 20:13

If a GP won't then maybe a school nurse or something? Once things return to normal. I did think maybe a midwife who specialises in pregnancy loss but then decided she was too early and it was too long ago now

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sunshinestanley · 18/06/2020 20:14

Gosh that is worrying. I think acknowledging her loss was very sensitive - I've found one of the hardest things about miscarriage is the secrecy that surrounds it. I also remember the desperation to get pregnant again afterwards (though I was a married mother of 2).

I'm not sure that a GP is the best way forward. Could you have a sensitive chat regarding the practicalities of having a baby (money, accommodation, education etc) whilst acknowledging that although she'd love to be a mother she has plenty of time? Do you have any tiny relatives she could babysit for a dose of reality?!

Original poster
Lofgh · 18/06/2020 20:16

sunshine I think she really does want to be pregnant again. But needs to understand it won't solve things.

She does look after DS a lot and she's great with him... But she needs to realise he's an easy baby and she will probably end up with a screamer. They aren't all so placid unfortunately

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Browzingss · 18/06/2020 20:16

Then I got her a bracelet charm thing to keep as a reminder of her miscarriage as I think she needs to mark her loss because there won't be another baby anytime soon.

She never wears it and didn't really even say thanks when it was bought.

Tbh I’m on her side with this, not everyone wants a “reminder” of their miscarriage, it’s deeply painful and hurtful. Through her eyes the necklace could just symbolise all the painful feelings instead of being something cute/sentimental as you intended

Browzingss · 18/06/2020 20:18

Necklace should say bracelet

You can call her GP and share your concerns re her mental health, but they wouldn’t do much with that information. They’d chat to her and can only really help her if she wants the help to begin with. Mental health counselling (and other treatments) have long waiting lists too

Browzingss · 18/06/2020 20:18

So nothing will immediately change

Original poster
Lofgh · 18/06/2020 20:19

Brow But yet she's insistent on keeping her booking in booklet?

She also has her early scan photos still in a draw, although I wouldn't expect her to get rid of those. That's something I think is nice to keep hold of, even if you can't make much out at that stage anyway

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CaramelWaferAndTea · 18/06/2020 20:19

Poor her. Really tough.

Perhaps a sensible counsellor who specialises in teenagers? Your GP or the school may know someone.

Original poster
Lofgh · 18/06/2020 20:23

Maybe I'm just approaching her in the wrong way. I don't know. I thought we had a great relationship. She knows I'm very clear that an additional pregnancy would be a ridiculous idea. But I'm not 'cross' or angry. I just say it in the most calm voice.

I don't know what I can do. I'm frightened for her. I don't want her to make such a huge mistake. I want the best for her.

I just can't understand why she'd even consider getting pregnant again so so young.

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Couchbettato · 18/06/2020 20:25

A GP will talk to your daughter but only if your daughter is willing to talk to a GP.

If she's independent enough to become pregnant, and is well versed in some of the the consequences of pregnancy, then she's old enough to decide whether she wants to talk about that.

You can be compassionate and let her know help is there but don't expect her to be open with you because it seems like you're trying to rouse something from her that she isn't ready to discuss.

Original poster
Lofgh · 18/06/2020 20:28

You can be compassionate and let her know help is there but don't expect her to be open with you because it seems like you're trying to rouse something from her that she isn't ready to discuss.

Do you think I should bring up the App and negative pregnancy test with her?

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Browzingss · 18/06/2020 20:31

@Lofgh everyone handles grief and trauma differently, there’s many things that might not make sense to those on the outside. I think the difference between the booklet and the bracelet is that the booklet is her personal choice to keep for sentimental reasons, whereas the bracelet is something you “forced” on her (through her eyes). She doesn’t have the same attachment to the bracelet. She has lots of emotions and thoughts tied to the booklet.

It’s hard but it’s something she has to come to terms with herself, and deal with herself. You can’t “fix” her. 16 is really young to deal with miscarriage, she needs time.

If you ever get the opportunity to freely chat with her about this in the future (don’t just bring it up), I would try to convince her to wait before trying for another baby. She’d be in a much better position if she had a job, stable income, could drive, possibly her own place etc.

Browzingss · 18/06/2020 20:33

And add that being more prepared can avoid some aspects l of stress during pregnancy so she’ll possibly feel more comfortable

Original poster
Lofgh · 18/06/2020 20:35

The thing that scared me so much is not only am I seeing signs she's thinking or evzb trying to get pregnant again, I Know from personal experience that everyone on any Web chats etc or FB groups kept talking about getting their 'rainbows' and the very common thing I see and wanted myself was a deep desire to be pregnant again.

And since after a loss trying again seems like the natural next step for Adults, it seems she's in the dark since trying again isn't a possibility for her? I don't know

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Browzingss · 18/06/2020 20:37

One more thing, the app isn’t that big of a deal. Yeah it can be used to help conceive, but many people just use it for period tracking or sex tracking. She could just be making a diary to see if her periods are back to normal after the MC

ellenpartridge · 18/06/2020 20:47

You say it was very early but she'd already had booking in and scans?! Doesn't sound like it can have been that early... Sounds like some counselling may be very helpful for her.

AriettyHomily · 18/06/2020 20:49

How early was it if she had scans already? Sounds like counselling would help.

Original poster
Lofgh · 18/06/2020 20:54

It was early. She had a scan at around 8 weeks because of some spotting. All was fine and then she miscarried less than a week later. So no 12 week scan etc. Booking was at 7 weeks

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Browzingss · 18/06/2020 20:59

If anything, can you afford counselling privately?

SarahAndQuack · 18/06/2020 21:05

Poor lass.

I have to admit I would be hurt if I were her, too. You are saying another pregnancy is just not another option, etc. Obviously, I understand exactly why you say that.

But remember, she is 16. She is legally entitled to have unprotected sex. She may well feel she is 'entitled' to have a baby if she chooses. Quite likely she feels that taking responsibility for her body is part of being an adult. It must feel horrible to be mourning a baby she appears to have wanted, and for you to be relegating her to the status of a child, who doesn't have any say in the matter.

I also think asking your GP to have a word is fundamentally wrong. If you had a friend who was in a situation where you privately felt it would be a disaster for them to get pregnant, who then miscarried, you would not get in touch with their GP. Indeed, if your daughter were a few years older, you wouldn't do this.

I absolutely do see it feels, to you as a mum, completely different to compare a 16 year old and an older person. But your daughter doesn't have your perspective.

I think ask her if she'd like counselling about the miscarriage. Ask her if she wants to talk to you.

helpfulperson · 18/06/2020 21:07

I wouldn't use the word ridiculous. It might not be a great idea for all sorts of reasons but wanting another baby when you've lost one isnt ridiculous. It's something almost every woman who has a miscarriage feels. And no matter how much you view her as a child this has forced her to be more grown up than most 16 year olds