Will a GP speak to DD about this? Need advice

[Lofgh]

It's a tough thing to write and admit aloud. DD is 16. She had a very early miscarriage just before Christmas last year (16).

Her and her boyfriend are still 'together' but haven't spent much time together in a while because of Covid. She's a great kid and usually tells me everything and is very honest, not secretive etc.

I think she wants to be pregnant again.

This thread has bought back my two miscarriages. I was 15 & 16. It was so dreadfully sad & my boyfriend suffered much more from the loss than I did. I’m now 34 & it still effects us both hugely. We didn’t make it as a couple but we’re good friends and we were chatting about how we’d have 2 stroppy teenagers right now if the babies had survived.

I didn’t tell any parents because they weren’t supportive but I wish I had counselling at the time.

It’s a young age to suffer like that. (We tried again but failed & we broke up afterwards)

The Maternity Unit will have access to a bereavement midwife and 6 months down the line I think she will still see your DD. I found ours super helpful. I'm obviously older than your DD, but the whole secrecy and just not sharing the positive news (while I had some) really played on my mind for ages. Infact it still does 2 years later. Talking to someone may help. I agree with PP, a school nurse could also help, or the pastoral care teacher. They have access to so many support services now. The GP could maybe also refer you for some counselling if you feel you would benefit. It cannot be easy on you either.

Stop giving her train fare she can’t get pregnant if she doesn’t see him.
Tell his parents and every time she brings it up ask her where are you going to live what are you going to live on etc. Time to get tough.

i fell pregnant accidentally with my son at 15 and whilst i do have a lovely life now, it was very very hard. and i definitely could not have done it without an enormous amount of help from my family. i love my son and i won’t ever say i regret having him so young, but if i had my time again i’d definitely wait until i was older. i would definitely enquire about counselling of some sort for your daughter. i had counselling after i had a miscarriage when i was at uni and it really did help. but it’s whether your daughter would be willing to engage. if she’s that determined to have a baby that she’s downloading fertility apps and lying to her boyfriend then it’s very unlikely that anything you say or do will be able to dissuade her from her goal unfortunately.

Your poor DD. But I agree, that it's not fair on the boy if she is trying this. Accidents happen but trapping is not moral.

Perhaps some grief counselling?

And yes to talking through finances. But not just through bills and rent etc against universal credit but also against lots of wages for jobs that she can get at her age.

I often find 16yo just think 'well I'll get a job then and be on like £35k' and don't realise they're only qualified to work £17k jobs or less

Doesn't she have to be in full time education until she's 18? I'm not sure an apprenticeship will be idea either a small baby.

And does she really want to be tied to the boyfriend for the rest of her life. She may think she does. But can she see them being able to co parent in 20 years time. Absolutely you must tell the boyfriends parents.

She isn't silly. She knows she'd only be on 18k max if she managed to get some sort of job. She does however know about different benefits unfortunately

Op, if she got a job at a full time job at sixteen, which is unlikely. She’d be on min wage. Unless it’s an apprenticeship most decent places won’t take on a sixteen year old full time.

Min wage at 16-17 is 4.55 an hour. The best she could hope for is nine grand a year, and even then it would be unlikely with a baby in tow.

she obviously is silly if she thinks it’ll be easy bringing up a baby on benefits. most of which she wouldn’t be able to get until she’s 18 anyway. i highly doubt she’d get a council house and i don’t think there’s many landlords that would rent to an 18 year old, never mind a 16 year old. i did have sympathy for her, but not now i know she’s planning on having a baby that she has no intention of paying for. i feel sorry for the poor boyfriend in all this.

Even if she knows conceptually she will only be able to get 17k to 18k does she know what this actually translates to in terms of monthly cash, and understand how little money she would have. Has she ever been exposed to benefit life and the reality of it/having children on it?

18k is not going to happen

She’s not going to get 18 k. Sixteen year olds don’t, not even on most aPrentice schemes.

Also she needs to be in full time education or on an apprenticeship. Unless she’s in Scotland.

I think you have to be firm with her. No baby under this roof. Finish school, get a job and do what you like. And get an appointment at the epu counsellor sharpish or you will be a grandmother next year.

Do the bfs parents know about the previous one? If so you need to call use with them too.

But doesn't stop your dd getting pregnant by someone else.

I was with you up until your post at 12:03 and posts since. Having a baby young does not mean you will amount to nothing and your attitude towards young mothers is frankly very insulting. I'm not saying it isn't hard raising a child young. It is, but whether or not you can succeed and have a great life is down to your own determination and willpower - if you think your daughter would just give up everything and sit on her arse then surely you haven't raised her very well?! I don't know a single young mother who didn't either work or carried on with their education. I'm not sure why everyone is assuming she will just give up all of her ambitions and plans and go on universal credit, or why she wouldn't be fine stsrting out on a job earning less than 17k. I earned far less than that in my first job and managed to pay for childcare, my extortionate private rent, everything else we needed and had money left over to save! You 'expected more'? It's perfectly valid to want to be a mother, especially after the loss she has just dealt with. Seems like you are minimising the baby she has lost (7+ weeks is not a very early pregnancy). You don't sound like you want to support her at all what you want is the gp to convince her she doesn't want a baby. Ruin her relationship by telling her boyfriend she isn't on the pill if you want but she will resent you. You need to change your mindset, not your daughters.

I'm going to be left holding a baby I didn't want in my family. I don't want to take care of a baby again

Well you need to tell her this and be firm. She is still a child. Perhaps show her the bigger picture. Things like travelling, going to uni, learning new experiences etc . She can still have children in the future when she’s a lot older and more financially stable. Explain to her wouldn’t you rather give your baby a good future, nice holidays, a loving home, loving parents. I know a lot of teen mums do well for themselves but not everyone. She needs counselling for sure. You need to explain that you will not help to look after the baby and that she will be on her own financially.

You absolutely need to tell her boyfriend she’s been lying about contraception. If she does have a baby and he doesn’t want to be father. You will be in an even worse situation.

It's very hard at the moment as she's obviously suffering from massive hormonal surges. I really feel for her. I feel for you, too, OP, but I've felt like she has, though at an older age. I also remember feeling like that an hour after my first child was born - it was exactly the same feeling I'd had ten years earlier, when it really wasn't a good time to have a baby. It seemed that having a child didn't stop those feelings.

So if she thinks she is going to be able to earn £18000 then do a budget with her for £18000.

If she was mine, and I have a 16 year old dd, I’d start looking right now this minute for places to rent and telling her she needs to move out and get her flat ready before she has a baby. You are in danger of raising a baby yourself if you don’t make it clear that you aren’t on board with this.

And like I said before, you need to talk to her about how she will pay for things AFTER the baby phase.

I think she needs a dose of reality, you need to be realistic and make it clear if she wants a baby she needs a place to live first

if you think your daughter would just give up everything and sit on her arse then surely you haven't raised her very well?! I don't know a single young mother who didn't either work or carried on with their education. I'm not sure why everyone is assuming she will just give up all of her ambitions and plans and go on universal credit, or why she wouldn't be fine stsrting out on a job earning less than 17k. I earned far less than that in my first job and managed to pay for childcare, my extortionate private rent, everything else we needed and had money left over to save! You 'expected more'? It's perfectly valid to want to be a mother, especially after the loss she has just dealt with

Sorry, but I think that's massively unfair. This isn't my fault. Why are you bringing my parenting into this? I think it's obvious why we're saying she's probably going to end up on UC. She's already admitted to me, as I've already said on here, that she doesn't have any plans for work etc. She just thinks she can get by on benefits. And really, you managed to pay for 'extortionate private rent' And childcare and everything else with less than 17k a year? Bollocks. Sorry.

I'm not against teenage mums at all. Some are absolutely brilliant. But to plan and have A baby before you're even 18 is a different kettle of fish and you know it.

Not bollocks. I have lived it. Just because you haven't come across anybody who has been in such a situation and made the best of it doesn't mean people don't. You clearly do have an issue with young parents or you wouldn't be so upset. Yes, I do think your parenting has had an impact. Surely you should be showing her that she should have ambitions other than going straight into benefits rather than slating her. This is your daughter. People don't get allocated random views about groups of people (eg young parents amounting to nothing as you have implied), they learn them.

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice, but your daughter keeping the scans etc isn't really comparable to her not wanting to wear the charm. It's nice that you acknowledged it, but the scans are a keepsake of the fact she had a baby, the charm is a 'keepsake' of the fact she lost one. I wouldn't wear it either but it doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate it. After my first my friend sent me a lovely card, I really appreciated it but it went straight in the bin as I couldn't bear to look at it.

@sadgrizzly I read your post a few months ago. It really resonated with me. I hope you are doing better

@daffodil21 hi, yes thank you much better. Still, and always will, have darker days. So grateful for all the support. X

This is very hard.

Ultimately at her age, you can’t stop her. You can put up barriers but she will figure out how to get around them, she’s an older teen.

I guess your role is to try to teach her how to protect herself from harm, and she doesn’t think this is harmful.

It will destroy your relationship with her but I think you need to tell the boyfriend’s parents so they can tell him to use condoms.

I guess I’m thinking about other lifestyle choices teens make like studying subjects their parents think won’t lead to jobs, skipping college, seeming to waste their money on things... they don’t see it the same way as their parents and their parents have limited recourse to stop them, you either argue about it or let them face consequences :( in this case probably losing the boyfriend.