Will a GP speak to DD about this? Need advice

[Lofgh]

It's a tough thing to write and admit aloud. DD is 16. She had a very early miscarriage just before Christmas last year (16).

Her and her boyfriend are still 'together' but haven't spent much time together in a while because of Covid. She's a great kid and usually tells me everything and is very honest, not secretive etc.

I think she wants to be pregnant again.

@helpful said it better and more concisely than me!

If you go into the surgery you can often find the contact details pinned to a board for pregnancy loss support.
You can ring the GP receptionist and they might pass it on.
Alternatively you could search Tommy's website and they have some advice too.

I would probably talk to her about how she plans to afford the next child. She doesn't seem to be all that interested in changing her mind so if she and her BF have decided to become young parents, they need to work out how to fund their future.

It's not an ideal future but if she's head strong in that direction, she needs to work out how she's going to be financially responsible for the life of another.

Hiya, so I'm a bit of a lurker but just wanted to jump in on this one. Im 38, have a beautiful little boy, and I am in a solid relationship.
In Feb this year I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. It was the worst thing I have ever been through (feel free to read my post on that).
Since then I have swung between being absolutely desperate to be pregnant again, have all that possibility in my belly, all those things you start planning, wishing and hoping, and being absolutely terrified of being pregnant again.
I have the apps too, this month in fact I thought I was in with a chance and did some tests and squinted, they were neg, period came etc. But just to have that little bit of hope of something, not to fill the emptiness, but to sooth the storm a little.
My best friend suggests regularly that I should plant a rose bush or do something to mark the pregnancy (similar to the charm you bought) and quite frankly I couldn't bear it. It would feel like drawing a line under it all and saying, ah well, you didn't have a baby but here is a rose bush to look at when you feel sad.
Keeping her scan pictures? I still have the first pregnancy test stuffed away in the back of a draw.
I'm a level headed (I think) grown up, she is a young girl. She is grieving and I expect looking for a way to 'fix' this horrible thing that has happened to her.
In the nicest way possible, maybe rethink your approach, read my first post, be gentle with your daughter, she needs it.

I honestly think I would put it to her as simply as this, yes it’s her body and her decision BUT is her potential father on board with this too and being financially responsible for them for the next 18 years? moreover if she’s old enough and ready to have a baby then she needs to do it in her own home not yours? As it really doesn’t sound like you are ok with her having a baby and bringing it up in your home which I totally understand and for what it’s worth would also be my thoughts. I can only speak as a mum myself and a former teenager that she likely really thinks it’s fine and she can do it and it will be great but has no real idea the pressure that comes with being solely responsible for keeping another human safe and alive never mind well adjusted! Maybe spelling it out to her that you have no wish to help her bring up a baby in your home and become a default babysitter when she inevitably wants to do some of the things her peers will be doing and the very real fact that her life will never be even similar to how it was before again! The grind and stresses of running a household and looking after yourself for the first time are a big deal for an adult never mind a young teen. She’s thinking with her heart not her head which is somewhat understandable but she does need to realise what she’s getting Into.

Is there not any option to sit down with her and be honest?

Sit down with Pen and paper and say okay you'll need: rent, food, bills, car, petrol, clothes, money for Xmas, money for holiday, money for house things. Say that's xxxx amount, so you'll need xxx salary to raise this child properly.

I know people have children in little money but I think every agrees it's not ideal.

Once youve got that say okay so what can we do to support you to get a job that pays you that amount, what about learning to drive, what education do you need?

Break it right down and hopefully give her a 5 year plan.

That way you saying yes I understand your desire to have a baby but let's do it properly?

It does look very much like she wants to be pregnant again..
I’ve never suffered a miscarriage,but me being me ,I can imagine how utterly devastated I would be ,and I think I’d really struggle to get past it .there is talking space she could refer herself to for counselling.
But I suspect she feels that the only way to heal is to have her rainbow baby ..
I’m not sure about the term rainbow baby ,but if it gives women some comfort that’s got to be a good thing.
I think op ,your dd is now a young woman ,and not a child any longer ,she has coped ,with something ,I can’t imagine having to cope with .
All credit to her for coping.
Lots of women have babies very young and are excellent mothers .
Is she at college or school .is there plans for a college course ,I’d be steering the chit chat at home to her education and future,so she doesn’t think all she has to look forward to is a baby
If you can get her excited about the prospect of uni ,it might give her more to think about than a baby .
💐

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
Might be able to help?
It sounds like she is still grieving for her loss.
Maybe she needs someone to just listen without offering an opinion on any future pregnancy ?
Poor both of you, sounds very tough

By the way, did the clinic she attend for scans etc give her any information/leaflet about advice and support after a miscarriage? Wondering if there’s help she can immediately access.

Whilst I understand that you don’t want her getting pregnant and raising a baby in your home, be very careful about how you phrase that to your emotional/hurt teen. If her goal is to get pregnant ASAP, that will shatter her goal, yes - but it might simultaneously make her feel distant/resentful if your delivery is poor/insensitive

How are things with her education? Does she have any plans?

What are her boyfriend’s thoughts?

I think she needs some straight talking.

Do they have a place to live, or does she live with you? Do they have jobs? If not, and she has a baby, guess who'll end up looking after it. You. Are you prepared for that?

We've completed our family with 3 dc, the youngest is now a teen. I am not broody now at all. Having another baby would make life very complicated, would be very difficult for many reasons.
I can't remember how the subject came up, but for some reason we got talking about if I got pregnant now and miscarried. I said that if I got pregnant and miscarried, I think I would be very broody and almost desperate to have another baby.
Dh thought that if I'd got pregnant and miscarried then after the initial grief, I would be relieved, because he knows I don't want another now. He was rather surprised to find me saying that I would then want to get pregnant. I can't really explain it, but I'm fairly certain that would be how I would feel.

I think there is a little bit of similarity here. OP is expecting her to be relieved and accept that now is not a good time to have a baby.
However the dd, because she got her head round having a baby, now feels that she needs a baby to get over her loss.

I hope that makes sense.

I really like @nancyjuice7's idea. I think that's really good.

It does need to come across as 'you want a baby and I want to help you figure out how that is going to happen in your life' rather than 'OMG, you are too poor to have a baby,' though, and that would be the risk.

I had my first miscarriage at 17. Circumstances were a little different, I did have a job, my own home, lived with dad etc. I had my beautiful daughter at 18. I went on to have another 6 miscarriages over 10 years before getting another beautiful daughter.
In all the years trying for and losing babies, I was so glad I had my little miracle (dd1) baby and hadn't listened to everyone telling me not too because I was too young.
I was a very mature teen and imo made a very good mother and we are all having a very happy life.
I think being a young mum made me a more compassionate, patient person.
I now run my own business - my children are my drive to do, be and have better for them. Young pregnancy is not always a life ruining death sentence for life.
Since being very small all I wanted was to be mum. Of course I knew my own mother wasn't too pleased at the time but she was very supportive always but now says I was right, it was what I was supposed to do.
Suppoet her, help her sensibly plan her future.
Career can come after, doesn't always have to come first.
Menopause started at 38 for me too so if I had have waited I might have never got them.

If you phone the local EPU they have specific miscarriage counselling available. Perhaps you could chat with her about the negative test and open up a discussion about havjng a chat with someone around how she's feeling in general.

Equally it can take a while for your body to return to normal and one of the key factors is to get a negative test to know the hcg is out of her system. Have her periods returned normally do you know? Is she otherwise physically recovered?

The strong desire to be pregnant again (specifically after mc) is all to do with hormones and nothing to do with age or means - you just need it to be back. This will pass for her but she needs help to rationalise that there is time for babies in the future, she doesn't have to do it all now. Which is really hard for a 16 yr old to buy into normally, but everything is a foggy haze for a while after an mc and you can't think straight.

I think you need to have a big talk with her.. which I know is easier said than done. Did she intend to get pregnant the first time? Did her boyfriend know? Does he know she is trying now? Your DS is a baby yes? is she maybe feeling pushed out by all the love shown to him and wants a baby to be someone that loves her iyswim? I think you really need to get to the bottom of what void she is trying to fill with a baby. Is private counselling an option?

Not really the point but it was at 8-9 weeks then? That isn't a "very early" miscarriage and I think your daughter will be very upset if you use phrases like that to her so I would suggest you don't try to make a point of how early it was.

And since after a loss trying again seems like the natural next step for Adults, it seems she's in the dark since trying again isn't a possibility for her? I don't know

Except trying again is an option for her. It may not be what you want for her and may not be ideal, but it is an option for her. It would have far reaching consequences but if she decides to try again there’s nothing you can do.

I also wonder if she thinks you’re glad she miscarried? I’d find that very hurtful at any age - I completely understand you might be relieved because you know the challenges that come with a baby but if she wanted to continue the pregnancy it would be very sore to know your mum didn’t share your sense of loss.

It sounds a bit like “you’ve had a miscarriage (thank goodness), you’ve moped about a bit, I’ve given you a token to remember your baby by, now let’s get on with it and don’t be so silly”. Many women want to try again after losing a child, it’s a primal instinct relating to their identity as a mum - which comes very early on for some and might be attached to a romantic notion of a cuddly baby to love rather than the reality of midnight feeds and 24/7 caring responsibilities - but it’s still there.

I’d suggest you back off telling her how ridiculous it is that she wants a baby, she dies whether you like it or not. Instead help her to talk about what she thought her life would have looked like if this pregnancy had continued, how she understands her loss (without rubbishing her ideas however fantasy based they might be). Have you never really wanted something that was wrong for you? Felt the disappointment of that not happening? Draw on that to have some empathy for her - you have literally no control over whether she tries again or not but you can offer her unconditional support and care in her loss, which might help her see a different way forward.

Just wanted to provide some perspective again - I had a miscarriage at 17 at around the same time as your daughter did. It absolutely broke me, and my parents did the same thing you did, the charms, talking to me rationally about what I needed to do, we had interventions after interventions because I was so depressed. I was depressed because people just saw my age, they didn't see my loss - I knew that if I was 35 people would have said kinder words, instead I got "oh well what do you want kids for now anyway?" And that was so ridiculously hard that people still treated me like a child even though I had been through something so traumatic. Your daughter doesn't need you to buy things for her or look through the bins, she needs you to sit down with her and to help her. I took my miscarriage as an incentive, I thought that because I wanted a baby so badly I needed an environment to support one. I got a full time job, started open university courses and got myself a house so that I could support myself. I am now 20, I have a gorgeous baby girl, am getting married next year and I have never forgotten my miscarriage or the comments I got from my parents when I had my loss. Sorry for rambling but I am so passionate that she needs your help right now in understanding what to do - and this was going to be your grandchild, perhaps you could come at it from that perspective and show you are hurting too.

I really feel for her.

I remember well the feeling of just needing to be pregnant again after my miscarriage. It was all consuming. I was 33 - I cannot imagine what that would be like at 16

Why do people keep saying woman? She may be over the age of consent but she’s not over the age of majority and is still legally a child.

And yes as much as it’s awful miscarrying I’d be horrified if my 16 year old was actively trying to get pregnant. She is unlikely to be able to financially or emotionally support a child.

Op, I think you need to try to talk to her, but it’s difficult if she refuses. Has she thought of the practicalities of a child? Where would she live? How would she pay for it? How her life would change? Is she thinking you’d step in? House them both, care for the child whilst she did her thing?

Can you sit down and try to address it from one of support? Of understanding her feelings and what she wants? As you wish to help her.

And for anyone who is confused, which seems quite a few, a woman is an adult female.

This girl is not an adult. She is not legally a woman. She is a child.

She’s legally a woman in Scotland, she could marry here without parental consent. I agree she’s got some growing to do but she’s hardly a child - at 16 she can choose to be sexually active with all that that brings, including pregnancy. At this point the only way the OP can really influence her daughter is through relationship - the “Because I said so” ship has long past sailed.

I had a chat with her last night. I didn't bring up the negative test. I didn't bring up the App.

But I did gently say to her I get the feeling she wants to be pregnant again. She admits that she does and something just feels empty now. I questioned if she would do anything to work towards another baby, as kindly suggested here.

She said no, she didn't have any immediate plans and just wants another baby soon. I said why doesn't she wait until a little job with some maternity pay and her own place etc is in place, with a little car. She said she doesn't need any of those things. I wanted to cry because I expected so much more for my own daughter.

I didn't let it show and went on to ask how she would cope financially, she said you can claim some things at 16 and beyond. I then asked her what I really needed to know and that was housing... Where would she live? She said she would co-sleep with the baby and I didn't press but assume she means in her room...

I said what about boyfriend, and apparently he doesn't know and thinks she's on the pill. I said to her he should take responsibility and use something too but even still she was being incredibly deceitful! She went off and cried. I have tried again speaking to her thus morning but she's complaining of a headache and only got up to shower.

What on earth do I do? She's going to end up with nothing. No money, no career or proper job. And I'm going to be left holding a baby I didn't want in my family. I don't want to take care of a baby again. But I couldn't find it within me to kick her out. It's crap

Just to add in from another poster, no I've nevze referred to her miscarriage as an early miscarriage, just said loss. Medical professionals have though

This is so difficult op. I think I’d give it a couple of days then broach it again, maybe from the angle of the boyfriend being hurt and not involved, her social life ending, is she intending to drop out of school, not able to work or afford child care etc. All the negative consequences.

And hope against hope she doesn’t fall pregnant.

The op never said she was in Scotland.

Elsewhere she is indeed a child. Legally. And she’s sixteen for gods sake.