Will a GP speak to DD about this? Need advice

[Lofgh]

It's a tough thing to write and admit aloud. DD is 16. She had a very early miscarriage just before Christmas last year (16).

Her and her boyfriend are still 'together' but haven't spent much time together in a while because of Covid. She's a great kid and usually tells me everything and is very honest, not secretive etc.

I think she wants to be pregnant again.

she may be grieving but the manipulation of the boyfriend is totally unacceptable. This is an obvious car crash waiting to happen, a child wanting a child that you are indeed going to have to bring up.

she needs to tell the boyfriend that she is not on the pill. If she doesn't, I think you should.

I also think you should be straight with her about how people with their own place and independent finances have children and you don't want to accommodate another baby in the house.

*The op never said she was in Scotland.

Elsewhere she is indeed a child. Legally. And she’s sixteen for gods sake.*

She is 16, yes, so just telling her “no” isn’t going to do any good - it’s not something she can be disciplined out of.

It's just a bit frightening. Last year she was A/B for everything. Never been one to be overly social at all but went for a cake with friends and did some shopping etc. Always made sure everything was stocked up, asked me if I needed anything and amazed me that she'd sort it all and often come back with a great deal like a multi pack for a cheaper price.

But now she just requests to take her little brother shopping instead in the pram. Not seen friends in ages. Not studied at all since Covid broke out properly. Just reads books in her room, helps with her brother etc

No one said “just say no”.

Op, what happened to make her become so focused on your other child and stay in her room? Did it co inside with the miscarriage?
She obviously does socialise though if she’s seeing her boyfriend.

Blunt I think it was definitely the miscarriage.

She only seems to see her boyfriend to go round his house (just his dad is there). I encourage (and provide money) for cinema dates etc but it's always declined. I don't think she even leaves the house with him. She gets the train up (20 mins) door to door and that's it

I’d tell her that it was her decision as it is but she needs to look at the finances of it. My own 16 year old has a job in a takeaway but I can’t imagine that she would be able to support a baby.

So I’d sit down with her and help her do a budget. Look at rent and what she And her boyfriend could earn. Look at childcare for when the baby gets older. Before and after school care costs and school holiday schemes. Don’t focus on the immediate short term of cute baby clothes and prams of the fact she wouldn’t have to buy a cot because she could get the one Auntie Susan has in her loft.

People do it and have lovely lives and if that’s what she wants then at least she will know she will be able to do it financially and the sacrifices that she will have to make.

I’ve always liked being with children and so I worked as a live in nanny in London for a year. It was great! I had a lovely time and got to live in an enormous house in Kensington.

Linda I don't know anyone who's had a 'lovely life' by having a baby at 16. The youngest person I know to do fairly okay was 18, and she had at least a job and knew how to drive.

My daughter has no intention of planning properly to eventually have a baby. She is just winging it, it seems. It's ridiculous.

Her life will be ruined. And even if all of it isn't, she will have a bloody hard to scraping her way back to the top again

Would you consider telling the boyfriend what she is planning , it really is unfair of her to trick him. She is probably minimizing the effect on him but im sure his parents would be as horrified as you.

Her boyfriend need to be informed that she is not on the pill. Awful deceitful to plan deliberately not to be behind his back.
You need to put your foot down.
Spell it out that she is to get a job like now asap and save to move out be independent of you and current living if she want to be a young mom that is fine as long as she does these sensible steps to motherhood, buy baby and home stuff (or already know in her head she can borrow her baby brother stuff) and that is fine and hopefully if the father to be is happy to do same aware or not.
Was it an accidental pregnancy or not?

@Wbeezer

Would you consider telling the boyfriend what she is planning , it really is unfair of her to trick him. She is probably minimizing the effect on him but im sure his parents would be as horrified as you.

This. I would be doing this this afternoon!

That’s what I was thinking, but it only sorts it out temporarily. If she wants to get pregnant I don’t imagine it would I be hard to find someone who will help supply sperm. Might bring it home that she’d be doing it on her own, I suppose.

I think telling him is the best way to end this. But I think she will hate me forever, or at least for the next 5 or so years surely

Poor, poor girl. I was 19 when I had a similar experience and I spent about 18 months in a very dark place. The boy, (probably sensibly,) ran away. Let her grieve, and don’t be frightened or disapproving when she’s “being broody,” but also help her to see how she can get into a good place to be a mum; qualifications, stability and independence will all help.

I really think you have to be a bit more straight with her in your chats.
Instead of asking her where she would live , and ignoring her answer , you have to say what you have said here. You don’t want to house or finance another baby. You have a right to life choices too.Offer to help work out how she Would finance her life choices, where she would live etc.
And she is being VERY deceitful with boyfriend. If she won’t tell him I really think you must.Trapping a boy like this is really really not ok.

I also think telling her boyfriend is going to make her hate you, it will kill the relationship. She may never get over it, not for years. I understand it’s what’s the best of two worst cases, but it needs clear thought.

I would be hesitant to break her trust like that. I would have one more attempt to talk to her, and make it clear she needs to tell him or you’ll tell the parents or him, that she needs to behave like a grown up and take responsibility for her actions. Give her the ultimatum at least. That if she won’t behave responsibly then you need to as the parent on her behalf.

He clearly doesn’t wish a child that’s why she’s lying to him. Telling him will cause him to dump her. As others said, finding a sperm donor isn’t that hard, let’s be honest, she can just start sleeping with someone else.

It doesn’t appear it’s she wishes his baby. It’s she wishes a baby.

OP, do contact your school nurses. They will have suggestions and can support both of you. Therapy might be helpful for your daughter and they can help you to access that too.

I don't think it's true that you can't have a lovely life if you have a baby as a teenager. I went to school with a girl who had a baby at 16. She was extremely intelligent, did very well in her exams, continued with school who made allowances for her to be able to care for the baby. Didn't go straight to university but waited a few years before doing a degree and a pgce and she's now a teacher. She's married to the father, they have a nice house... I don't doubt that they've had an extremely difficult time of it, but it all worked out for them.

However, your daughter's situation isn't ideal. I think an appointment with the GP is in order, though not to 'have a word' with her - more to talk through her feelings and see if counselling could be an option.

This situation with lockdown can't be easy when she is still grieving.

Deceiving her boyfriend is not on. Can you imagine if he was doing the equivalent to her, it’s outrageous. I understand she’s grieving but she doesn’t get to make that choice for him.

It’s very sad for her but you need to make it clear she cannot just live with you and have you running around after her if she had a baby. She would have to move out, scrimp on universal credit, get the bus everywhere as she has no license. You will not pay for any of the baby things, how will she afford cot etc. I know it seems cruel but she needs a bit of a reality check.

I’d got with the cruel reality approach as softly softly doesn’t seem to have worked - every time she brings it up, make it clear she would have to move out and be financially self sufficient. Sit her down and do a budget on how much rent, bills, food would be, how much childcare would be if she got a job vs how much income she’d have on benefits/minimum wage and what it would be if her boyfriend left her. That should open her eyes a bit.

There are also some good YouTube videos which don’t glamourise teen pregnancy that were made a few years ago - called Underage and Pregnant. Maybe if she watched a couple she’d realise all these teens have had their lives ruined (might be worth you watching one before to make sure it’s not an overly positive one...)

I’d hope that she’s just fantasising and doesn’t actually plan on following through- have you asked her outright? When I was a teen I was fascinated by teen pregnancy, watched loads of documentaries etc (probably because I had a boring middle class life and loved babies so teen pregnancy seemed like a massive rebellion) but never had any intention of actually doing it. I’d also encourage her to realise how common miscarriage is (I just had one...) - if you know other people who’ve had one, tell her. This might help normalise it and help her move on a bit. Hope all goes well.

I'd be telling the boyfriend's parents today. I haven't seen his age but assuming he's not vastly older than her (in which case I wouldn't be condoning the relationship anyway) he needs protecting too in this. (He should be taking charge of his own fertility and using condoms rather than relying on her, but that's by the by in this specific situation).

And then I'd be doing some gentle straight talking. I'd tell her that if she wants any support (including housing and childcare) from me, she needs a financial plan beyond 'claiming things' and a plan for continuing her education. I'd tell her she is grieving and the way she is feeling is one of the effects of grief, but getting pregnant again won't bring the miscarried baby back. I'd offer to arrange counselling for her.

I went through something similar at 18, to the extent that I looked seriously into sperm donation at the time. Thankfully didn't go through with anything like that, though did have my son aged 20 while at college. I couldn't see the longer term picture at the time, I was grieving and stuck in the immediate "need" to fill that hole.

Would she be open to sitting and discussing long term plans? So GCSEs, college, uni, house, stable relationship, baby. Allow her to see that it isn't a "never", but that planning for a baby is more than working out how to buy a pram - you need a longer term idea of how you're going to support them and yourself. If she can see that she's just waiting for X it might not feel as desperate? Maybe also do the reverse, so look at a long term plan with baby at the end, and one with baby at the beginning. List the things that'll need to be in place for success at each stage - so uni would be meeting deadlines, studying, attending lectures, part time job. But with a child it's also childcare, attending when they're ill, studying after sleepless nights, lack of socialising making collaboration more difficult...

I went to uni after having my son (which is why it's my example!) and it was so, so much harder and has been more difficult to do anything with my degree afterwards as I couldn't travel to do the graduate programs that required it. It hasn't ruined my life, we're really quite comfortable now, but it'd have been a much easier journey had I done things the other way around.

The miscarriage association are brilliant too, they have a helpline with advisors who'd speak to her (or you) and loads of leaflets to download. They were invaluable after my miscarriage before having my youngest x

This must be very close to when her baby would have been born. So perhaps you could talk to her about that ; say it's in your heart too, the grandchild whose life will always be imagined but never forgotten.