Did your in-laws visit you in hospital after you gave birth?

[otterbaby]

Just following on from another poster's thread about telling family/friends you are in labour.

I'm due to give birth in October. My parents live abroad and (hopefully) my mum will be in the room with me and my DH, assuming restrictions begin to lift.

I get along with my in-laws but the relationship has been a little tense from my end for the past 8/9 months or so. I lost my first baby at 16 weeks last October and my MIL made the entire thing about her and it really changed the way that I see her. Now that I'm pregnant again, she's very overbearing and again, making it all about her. She's started several arguments with my DH in the last few months about various baby-related things (purchasing things for the baby when we specifically asked everyone to wait until after our 20 week scan due to what happened last time, posting on social media when we asked them not to, etc). Among other things, but the main gist is she's very self-centred. I would prefer that her and my FIL don't come visit us and baby in the hospital once the baby is here. Mainly, because I want to be able to focus on that initial bonding time with the baby and getting her latched correctly and don't feel comfortable with my in-laws seeing my bits! But also because they stress me out and I'd rather be back home in my own space, settled in before they visit. But that would mean potentially waiting a few days before they meet baby.

Is this asking for trouble, particularly since my mum will be in the hospital with us? My DH doesn't mind either way. Cba with the drama of it all. Obviously this entire situation might be resolved on its own if the hospital is still not allowing visitors!

Mine did. We had a really good relationship and she was their first grandchild. I barely remember it to be fair!

No and definitely wouldn't allow it in this instance

No, because with all of my three I was discharged straight from the delivery room (6 hour discharge) and never went to the ward.
They live abroad but were over here when DC’s 2 and 3 were born, and both times came over within an hour or so of us getting home from the hospital (so within 8 hours of birth) but I was happy with that. Nice to get the initial introductions done when I was still euphoric from the birth! They then left us in peace for a day or so before visiting again. Same drill with my parents.

My MIL came to see me. She’d just been to a funeral that morning and came to hospital in her Black funeral regalia. Jeeez, she could have gone home to change.

Yes but it was awful! I had a planned c section so DPs visited, then PIL. Baby was rushed off to special care and MIL made it all about her, with continual comparisons to her still born (a very painful experience no doubt but very inappropriate when my 2hr old baby had been taken from me and was having life saving interventions). PIL actually got to see baby in special care before I did and DH had to physically remove them from my bay when a doctor was trying to examine me because MIL was talking all about her c section (she never had a c section!). Its a good time to start setting boundaries now. I wish I had family support during those visits rather than self centred idiots but if MIL has form for making it all about her it's literally the last thing you will need. She needs to learn what no means.

Yanbu.

Your mum is there as a support to you in labour, not to "be the first to meet grandchild" so look out for that accusation.

Just get Dh to message around everyone (so she can't say she was left out)

"As we get nearer Otters due date, I just wanted to let people know that once the baby has safely arrived, I will message with all the details and will send a picture of our little one. Once we are comfortably settled back at home, and ready for visitors, I'll give you all a quick text and we can make arrangements. Love to you all" blah blah

Then everyone is on the same page, MIL can't say she was singled out.

Visit? She came to my house less than a handful of times in the 20 years I was married! Think the kids were in school before she came to my house and only because my sil (much younger) had passed her test and made her come with her! (Mil drives confidently, just doesn't care about her kids or grandkids)

My FIL and SIL did. My MIL isn't alive. I have good relationship with FIL. I really struggle with my relationship with my sister in law, she's overbearing and always thinks she knows best. This was evident during my pregnancy with all the comments about what I should and shouldn't be doing, and hasn't changed at all now my daughter is nearly 4. So I really fought myself on whether she should visit or not but at the end of the day thought that while she really fucking annoys me she is the babies aunt and my husband's sister so I sucked it up. It was fine. Fleeting visit and as soon as I started breastfeeding they got uncomfortable and left....so getting your bits out may well be useful..

You just have to decide what's right for you, you are the one going through labour and birth, your voice is the most important in those first few days afterwards.

No. I really like my in laws but birth was about me. If i had stayed in hospital a week i would have said yes visit. But as it was i was only in a short time. However, it might be harder to turf them out your own home if your husband doesnt care so you need to talk to him about this and have a clear 'i want you to make your parents leave' signal.

No because they live in London and we live in Yorkshire and I was only in for the postnatal ward for less than 24hrs after giving birth. My mum came with my godmother. My godmother had never held such a young baby before and it was something really special

They did with my oldest but we were really close and I was fine with it. With my youngest I was home by 5am so no one did. In your situation I would say definitely not and not until you’re completely comfortable. It’s such an emotional time and your needs have to come first for the first few weeks at LEAST after the birth- if you don’t want her around at first she will have to suck it up and your H should support you

I asked for my parents and my in-laws to visit whilst I was in hospital - I had a pph and was in high dependency unit for 3 days.
I wanted them all to visit where I could easily tell them to leave (or get the midwife to make them leave) when I had enough of them. They then didn't 'need' to visit when I was settling in back at home.

It was good as they got a quick cuddle of the baby, took a photo and left. They then didn't visit us at home until we invited them.

My Il's turned up in day 5 ( when my Pre-Eclampsia had worsened, so wasn't feeling well. FIL went on and on berating me about sitting down on my sofa and getting his suit covered in cat hair

I hadn't been home for four drugging weeks so don't know why that was my fault

I went home 6 hours post delivery of my first baby, and the PILs lived 250 miles away, so no. But MIL got on the train that morning and stayed with us for a week, doing the cooking and shopping and being a great help, especially as we got to grips with nappies and bathing etc.
Second baby was due on Christmas Eve, (many years ago) so the PILs came to stay pre Christmas. In the event, baby nearly died and had to spend a week in ITU. MIL accompanied DH to the hospital to drive me home 6 hours after delivery, and supported us both as we’d been told DD was ventilated, convulsing, hemiplegic and not expected to survive. Miraculously, she pulled through, but was discharged just after the PILs had gone home, so they missed seeing her.
OP, it’s your baby, your labour, your choice. If your MIL will be helpful and supportive and you want her there, then invite her. If you know she won’t, then don’t.

I honestly can’t remember. The benefit of a hospital visit is you can, potentially, get rid of them quickly, when visiting hours are up. At home, not so much.

Yes, they were actually stood out in the corridor an hour after DS was born waiting for us to be put on the ward so they could see him. A nurse actually asked if I'd be ok with her wheeling DS into the corridor so they could see him
Bit weird looking back.

I'd have said 'no' if I'd been thinking straight.

No.Mil was on holiday and got back when ds was around a week old.Fil visited a couple of days after we got home.

No, both times I was in for a few days, with catheters and drips and hot, sweaty and tired....MIL was the very last person I wanted to see! The first time I think she was a bit pissed off but she got over it. She came to see us at home a couple of days after we go back. Giving birth is one time you absolutely should put yourself first and do what's best for you x

Fil did but MIL refused to come as she was in a massive strop at not being able to attend the birth. She didn’t come to see the baby till she was 14 days old ( like I cared anyway!)

Also when I had an eptopic pregnancy and had to have surgery she came to see me and told me ‘not to think I’d let her down’ 🥴

Funnily enough were NC now

Not with my older 3 as we were discharged from Labour room/homebirth. Dc4 I was in for 2 days before and 4 days after and baby was in for 4 weeks. In-laws visited me briefly on the day of my c-section when they handed the older 3 back to dh and visited baby a couple of times in neonatal. With dc5 we were both in for just over a week and in-laws visited briefly on day 3.

No because they live 4 hours away but MIL wouldve been there given half a chance. She said it was 'so stressful' for her cos I went 2 weeks overdue I said we wanted a few days to settle in before they could come to stay at ours (they didn't so much as put the kettle on when they came).

Yes they stopped by briefly and then we didn't see them for a couple of weeks after. However they have a good relationship with both children. Looked after them a day a week while I worked.

I was discharged quickly with both so didn't really have much time for visitors.

Personally I would try to be flexible. You might find her a huge help at some point and if you alienate her from day 1 then she may become more difficult.

Why not give her proper invite for when you're home?

Yes with DD1. We lived abroad (both sets of parents in UK) and DH was due to go away for several months 2 weeks after Due date. They had arranged a visit for several days a week after Due Date. As it happens, she was a week late, and born the evening before they were due to drive home... So they visited us the next morning on the way to the Port. My Mum flew out to join me the day DH left for a few weeks. (There was no jealousy either way, everyone thought the plans were very practical).

DD2 was a home birth. Born Friday, they visited Sunday. Very handy that they did, as DD2 was admitted to the paediatrics ward that afternoon, and they looked after DD1. (My mum was with me, DH was overseas until she was 2 weeks old)

Oh yes. Because of a week slow heartbeat I had an emergency section. DH in his distress notified his DB while I was under, news went round his family like wildfire, who then subsequently decended on the maternity ward (I live in different country to my family). By the time I had come round, they all had met DS, and I had an audience on my first meeting with him! But was just relieved at the time all was well.

Needless to say he was under strict instructions for birth of second DC no one is to know until after birth. Even at that, his DM gave him a hard time for not telling her when I was in labour.

My ex pil came yes. Baby was in incubator. He has jaundice. I had high BP and was trying to establish breastfeeding. It was 38 degrees and they stayed ages taking tons of photos all dolled up. I felt exposed and uncomfortable. Ex fil had early stage dementia too and he put stuff down on newly sterilised feeding stuff so I had to do it all again. It was truly awful. 😞

My own parents only stayed for few mins even though I needed support.

But then my ex husband was a mummy's boy and total emotional abusive shit.

One day I may be the mil as my baby was a boy and I won't have another. I hope I can remember that it's not about me when and if time comes.

Good luck @otterbaby