Did your in-laws visit you in hospital after you gave birth?

[otterbaby]

Just following on from another poster's thread about telling family/friends you are in labour.

I'm due to give birth in October. My parents live abroad and (hopefully) my mum will be in the room with me and my DH, assuming restrictions begin to lift.

I get along with my in-laws but the relationship has been a little tense from my end for the past 8/9 months or so. I lost my first baby at 16 weeks last October and my MIL made the entire thing about her and it really changed the way that I see her. Now that I'm pregnant again, she's very overbearing and again, making it all about her. She's started several arguments with my DH in the last few months about various baby-related things (purchasing things for the baby when we specifically asked everyone to wait until after our 20 week scan due to what happened last time, posting on social media when we asked them not to, etc). Among other things, but the main gist is she's very self-centred. I would prefer that her and my FIL don't come visit us and baby in the hospital once the baby is here. Mainly, because I want to be able to focus on that initial bonding time with the baby and getting her latched correctly and don't feel comfortable with my in-laws seeing my bits! But also because they stress me out and I'd rather be back home in my own space, settled in before they visit. But that would mean potentially waiting a few days before they meet baby.

Is this asking for trouble, particularly since my mum will be in the hospital with us? My DH doesn't mind either way. Cba with the drama of it all. Obviously this entire situation might be resolved on its own if the hospital is still not allowing visitors!

Your MIL appears to be a "me me me!" person. I would trust your instincts and keep firm ( but fair) boundaries in place. Up to you how you go about this.

You could get DH to delay texting everyone until well after baby's birth, once you have had a few hours alone as a new family. Then, if you wish, he can say when visiting hours are. You could request DH helps to ensure visitors leave when you need to breastfeed, or just let visitors know you need to feed baby and thank them for coming.

Best wishes!

My parents and in laws sat in a waiting room together for almost 24 hours - it was a long labour. Sounds like they had a whale of a time. They all came in pretty soon after she was born (like, before I'd been stitched up) and everyone bar FIL popped in a few times during labour while DH was getting food. Was lovely having everyone together after the birth for what I guess was a couple of hours.

Yes they did and it's a lovely memory. We have a lovely picture of fil holding his first granddaughter looking at her in wonder.

Your DH may well prefer having his parents for support over your mum and you should also ensure your mum knows when to leave you to it after she has supported you in the birth.

Hospital visits tend to be better - your DH can bring the baby over to the waiting area and they can fawn over them while you catch up on your sleep. Being in public can moderate your mum too to stop her becoming overbearing or pushing your DH out.

I didn’t have visitors in hospital. It was a traumatic delivery and I was a mess. DH and I spent a couple of days holed up in a private room together (a ‘perk’ because they were unsure whether baby would survive initially). We went home on the Thursday, and PIL visited on the Saturday. It’s wonderful that some of you are so close to your MIL, I hope that I get to have that, as I have sons. But not all of us have that easy a relationship. Mine is strained at best. They make no secret of their belief that I’m not good enough, and I’ve been in direct competition with my MIL ever since we were married (she was so nice before). I try not to engage, but it meant I didn’t want visitors at my most vulnerable.

FWIW, I didn’t have support from my parents either, they live far away, and my mum has some mobility issues. So they met both of my children at about 6 weeks. Family life is different for everyone

Otterbaby I apologise if I upset you, just wanted to give you & PP the perspective from a paternal grand mothers point of view, whilst it might only be a few days to you it will seem like forever to your very keen MIL and the last paragraph of your post suggests that you did have some concerns. When I had my children neither of our DP were present or told that I was in labour (no time & no mobile phones in those days and the worst snow in years to boot) so I guess I never had your dilemma, I had to beg the nurses station to let me use the telephone and let them know they were grandparents. I hope your DM makes it back to the UK in time and wish you all the best, I'm sure whatever decision you make will be right for you and your DH, and should you one day have a DDIL she will be very lucky to have such an understanding MIL

Yes. My in laws and parents saw us in hospital but I don't think it was more then 20 minutes. I don't think things will be that relaxed this year that visitors will be allowed into hospital to be honest.

You need to do what's right for you. My MIL was there but she's lovely and it was her first grandchild. DH and my mum got some sleep during the night and MIL stayed with me while in labour (I had an epidural) mostly keeping an eye on me trying and failing to get some sleep, and the monitor (she used to be a midwife). Also got me a sick bowl in the nick of time!

She left when it was time to push but came back in when she was able to meet grandchild. I was exhausted and tried to get some sleep again so she stayed in the corner having cuddles when mum had to work and DH made calls, got lunch etc.

FIL visited a couple of days later. MIL was very excited but I was impressed with how she managed to restrain herself from becoming over the top, as she only has sons.

But that's mine unfortunately your one doesn't sound anything of the sort. Hopefully things will be straightforward and you'll be out of hospital quite quickly and they can visit at home.

I was in hospital for a week after having an emergency c section, we did not tell anyone I had gone into hospital or had the baby until the next day.

My FIL and his wife asked to come to the hospital and I said yes okay but I set the day and time and left it till the day before I came out as before that I was not in any fit state to see anyone !

I agreed to them coming to the hospital because it could be controlled as there was set visiting times for anyone other than DH and as they have a tendency when they visit to stay for hours I thought this was the better option.

My MIL wanted to wait till we were home and then descend upon us for 8 hours !!!

My parents didn't meet my DD for 2 weeks as my Mum was ill (with Dementia and did not even remember I was having a baby) and Dad said to come over when we were ready.

You will know what is best for you, remember you are in charge.

Mine did. 🙄

Knowing what I’m like I said before the birth to family on both sides that I wouldn’t want people at the hospital and we look forward to seeing them afterwards when we were settled back at home.

Had a bad time in labour and at one point DH was worried he’d lose both of us.

4 of the in-laws turned up soon afterwards against our wishes and before I knew it had plastered photos all over Facebook making their own announcement. My side of the family were all very hurt until I explained what had happened.

Next time, I won’t be telling them I’m in labour. They’ll find out when we’re back home with baby.

Hi Op! I feel so strongly about this subject. Based on what you've said I would say a definite no to them visiting you in hospital. You need to focus on you and the baby, and avoid any stress whatsoever. It's different with your mum being there, because she will be there to look after you and make sure you are alright - it sounds as though your MILs priority will be the baby and the baby only. That's not what you need.

You need to establish boundaries now or this will only get worse when the baby arrives, I'm saying this from experience. My MIL visited two weeks after the birth as she lives 3 hours away, and brought some family members that I had never met before. It was made quite clear before she arrived that she wasn't visiting me, she was visiting the baby. It honestly awful. She held my baby the entire time and kept putting her phone in his face to FaceTime her other relatives, even when he was crying. I couldn't find my voice to ask for my baby back and I ended up going to my bedroom to cry. I still feel upset now about how I felt that day. It is very hard when you have an extremely overexcited first time grandmother. None of it was meant to upset me, but it really really did.

You might feel differently when the baby is here, you might be happy to have visitors. But definitely wait until you truly feel ready and don't be afraid to establish boundaries as it will help you in the long run.

Good luck

Definitely agree with those posters that say don’t tell them before the birth! Send a message afterwards to confirm safe arrival and that you will be in contact to arrange a visit once you are all back at home.

Jeez, why do people think it’s necessary to come to hospital unless directly asked??? You’re there to be monitored after the birth, once the doctors are happy that you and baby are fine you’ll be discharged. Why on earth would people assume you’d want visitors in that window unles you specifically say so???

I'm not due for a few months yet but me and DH have agreed no visitors until we're settled at home.

We haven't told our DP yet, DMIL will take it personally and as a slight DFIL and DP won't see it as a big deal and will happily respect our wishes.

I had two home births, but no, no one visited us at our request. My family is overseas, but ILs only visited 10 days later and then didn't visit at all with our 2nd (we were NC, because they are pretty dysfunctional). I wouldn't have invited anyone to visit me in the first 48 hours or so anyway, even my own family, if they lived close. They can come when I'm rested.

No but I was home 24 hours after DS was born so they came to ours for when we got home instead. My DPs came to the hospital when he was about 8 hours old, just before the end of visiting hours.

I had lots of visitors, my parents-in-law had both died before my DD was born but my SIL and DH's grandfather came in to see us (as well as my own family).

Might depend on families though, as I have been to hospital to see my relatives and their new babies so it's a well-established thing for us going back years!

I was very unwell after first baby was born, MIL and DM took baby from hospital bassinet and into shared lounge area to fawn over. I was not well enough to say no, but at the time just wanted and needed time alone with baby.

I would recommend visitors refrain from whisking baby away to another room pose for photos, instead take photos in same room.
I had a team of doctors around me trying to decide treatment for reaction to drugs and severe anaemia while worrying about the empty bassinette beside me, and when my newborn baby would be brought back.

For people saying you need to be fair as between your parents and in laws, yes it’s true that the baby is grandchild to both and both will be so excited to see them. But you are only your parents’ daughter, and (under normal circumstances!) the dynamic is completely different. When my in laws visited they only wanted to see the baby. They are lovely people but their desire to see their first grandchild completely overrode any concern they had for me. With my mum on the other hand, she wanted to look after her baby (ie me!) and her grandchild was second to that. She was an amazing help and support because she put me first, which included my right to bond with my baby and have time and space to recover. When she visited she made tea, cleaned, cooked meals, did washing to give me time with the baby and to rest. My in laws on the other hand just wanted to hold the baby all the time and expected me to wait on them. From friends this dynamic is totally standard, no matter how good your relationship is with your in laws.

@harrietm87 - my mum was like your mil. Only wanted the baby and kept trying to make me stay in my room to breastfeed and trying to bully DH out of caring for baby. (i am Indian so it is traditional for mum to come to yours to take care of you). In the end she had to leave early but we all relaxed when she did.

Yes, after c section 3 years ago

Not this time because not allowed

Yes @GrumpyHoonMain...I said under normal circumstances, sadly there are always exceptions 🙁. I guess you’re more likely to find that support from your own mum but by no means a guarantee!

Yes I had mum and DP with my during labour, my dad and brother turned up before I was even stitched, they were very excited but had to wait. In laws also came to the birthing suite later. Discharged from birthing suite after 4 hours

No, neither DP nor DPIL came until we were home. My DSis came with DH with DS1 as she’d come down to feed the cats whilst I was in labour. DS2, DM was staying and saw him when we got home but had he been a few days earlier it would have been DMIL (they each came for a week at a time once I was 39 weeks, which was fab).

Had I stayed in then I would have been delighted to see all of them, but they’re wonderful people, it’s very personal and person dependent!

My in-laws didn't visit as they said it was too expensive to park at the hospital and they worried about getting a parking fine if they parked in the local area. They visited a couple of days later but only after the football had finished and asked if we would be providing dinner for them.

Second time I was only in hospital for 12 hours so they they were told when we got home and visited on a Tuesday as this clashed less with the football. They did ask how much the parking was for 12 hours.