Did your in-laws visit you in hospital after you gave birth?

[otterbaby]

Just following on from another poster's thread about telling family/friends you are in labour.

I'm due to give birth in October. My parents live abroad and (hopefully) my mum will be in the room with me and my DH, assuming restrictions begin to lift.

I get along with my in-laws but the relationship has been a little tense from my end for the past 8/9 months or so. I lost my first baby at 16 weeks last October and my MIL made the entire thing about her and it really changed the way that I see her. Now that I'm pregnant again, she's very overbearing and again, making it all about her. She's started several arguments with my DH in the last few months about various baby-related things (purchasing things for the baby when we specifically asked everyone to wait until after our 20 week scan due to what happened last time, posting on social media when we asked them not to, etc). Among other things, but the main gist is she's very self-centred. I would prefer that her and my FIL don't come visit us and baby in the hospital once the baby is here. Mainly, because I want to be able to focus on that initial bonding time with the baby and getting her latched correctly and don't feel comfortable with my in-laws seeing my bits! But also because they stress me out and I'd rather be back home in my own space, settled in before they visit. But that would mean potentially waiting a few days before they meet baby.

Is this asking for trouble, particularly since my mum will be in the hospital with us? My DH doesn't mind either way. Cba with the drama of it all. Obviously this entire situation might be resolved on its own if the hospital is still not allowing visitors!

MiL came both times - they live much closer than my parents, who were actually on holiday when DS1 was born. FiL didn't want to "be in the way,"(/be on a ward of screaming babies and flashing boobs) so didn't. 1st time was just a flying visit, 2nd time she'd been looking after DS1 for us so brought him to meet his little brother

BUT we have a good relationship and she doesn't interfere (much!), so I was happy with it. You are well within your rights to not have her visit you until you are ready.

yup, MIL and DH gran visited us the day after DD was born in hospital she was a night time baby and they came about lunchtime the next day

I also had visits from my parents and 3 of my close friends. Then once home I had endless stream of visitors for the first few weeks - all invited. I loved it.

Each to their own.

If you don't want her there, just tell her.

Yup, both times. It would be very unreasonable of you not to let them, and nasty.

It could rebound.

I would let my MIL come to see the baby in the delivery room. She can be overbearing but doesn't sound anything like as bad as yours.

It doesn't matter much what we think. You clearly don't want her there. That's enough of a reason not to let her. It's your birth and is your choice.

Hi OP, my trust has already said they will not be lifting the second birth partner or other visitors (than fathers) restrictions for the rest of the year. If your trust is the same you won’t need to worry about it.
Having said all that do what is right for you.

OP just stop and think for a moment, how can I explain this; when you have a daughter you will always have a close and special bond with her, when she needs advice about the baby she will turn to you, when baby reaches their first milestones she will call you before anyone else (after DH obviously) it's natural and perfectly understandable; when you have a son however that is less likely to happen, as a mother of a son you soon learn that the maternal grandparent will always receive any good news / milestones first etc etc. and I think as a mother of a son you just have to accept and understand that, as a parent you love your DC dearly and just want the best for them. Be kind to your in laws it's their first grand child and they are super excited.
Chances are you will most probably be out of hospital before any one gets a chance to visit, but please don't make them wait days to meet their grandchild, you can always excuse yourself if you need to feed baby. If you have a son you may understand my post one day.

I was in hospital for 2 days and had no visitors. I wasn't up for it and wanted to get home to feel human. In the end I let my cousin come in (we are like sisters) I needed her for me, and she was 100% there for me. My SIL accepted no visitors and PIL made it about them and how selfish we were (we had a hugely traumatic birth experience and both DH and I needed time to recover) we let them visit the day after we got home (got home at 7pm the night before) it was all about MIL grabbing baby and taking photos. Baby stopped BF that night and no idea if it was the situation or would have happened- she didn't hand him back for 2hrs. We had to get midwives to write in his red book no visitors for a while just so we could settle down. If we have a 2nd we won't be telling them anything until we are ready for visitors.

Yes, they came the evening DD was born, it was wonderful. They actually met DD before my parents as they came in for a quick cuddle and then took DH away for some food, while my parents came for a longer visit. I'll never forget how happy MIL was when I told her that of course she could pick the baby up.

However. DH and I have been together forever and I love my PIL dearly, we have a great relationship with both sets and parents and them with each other too so no petty jealousies to deal with. Also, my hospital has very strict visiting hours, and is very strict on only two visitors (apart from the father) at any time.

It also worked well as they all came for a couple of visits for the few days we were in the hospital, and then went home so we had a few days peace to settle in at home once discharged.

I'm due DC2 in a few weeks, and obviously there'll be no hospital visiting this time due to covid. I think I'd prefer a few short visits in hospital than them all descending on the house when I'll already be down a few nights' sleep and trying to get DD adjusted to her new sibling!

Only BiL lives over here. Saw DS1 at home on day 5 (first full day at home, was a special day on the calendar) DS2 day 2 freshly discharged from hospital. I slept through and he spent about an hour with DH and the DCs. It was supposed to be in hospital but the discharge went through quite abruptly.

Both times MiL came for a fortnight to help out after DH's paternity leave ended.

My family came in dribs and drabs for little visits.

There is no right and wrong. Quality of relationship and distance matter. Who would you want to come and visit hours or days after having your gallbladder or appendix removed from your body? Birth can be as invasive as that and even without there's all the hormonal and physical changes. Baby does not trump maternal need and comfort.

I'm with FamBae on this one. My parents and PIL turned up at 10.30pm for a quick peek at my firstborn - first grandchild for all of them. I'd had a long labour and was a bit out of it, but understood they all couldn't wait to meet him. I had a tricky relationship with my MIL but was always mindful that she was my husband's Mum and incredibly important to him, rightfully so. She's no longer here, but she also turned out to be the best GM to my children, and I'm glad I always encouraged that relationship even when she was driving me mad.

With first my mil said she would be there and wait outside 'to support my dh'. I told her no, he doesn't need support, he is there to support me and see his child born but can't do either if he is outside being supported by her.

As it happens I was induced with first and there for a couple of days before an emergency section. I was then in hospital for 3 full days and left on the 4th so yes everyone came for at least one visit in hospital.

Second was a more traditional birth and never left the labour ward, gave birth early and left mid afternoon and there are no visitors allowed. In laws were looking after older DC anyway so they saw baby as soon as we got home. It was a different experience, i felt great after a vbac and we stopped to by prosecco and all toasted baby.

Absolutely not, I can't imagine anything worse and I adore my PIL. Tell them they need to wait until you're home, I think it's very strange to have a load of visitors at hospital when you've just given birth.

Mine didn’t, but I was in for less than 24 hrs. However long I was in I wouldn’t have them though, or anyone other than DH probably. Hospital is for recovery from the birth. If you’re still in it’s because you’re not well enough to be home. Visitors can wait.

No I told DH I didn't want any visitors to the hospital. Good job really after being in labour for so long and then having emergency c-section I felt horrendous and I wanted the time to bond with my baby.

Its your body that is going through this and it is your baby so its your decision. We also had the first day at home to ourselves which was really helpful to be on our own when the midwife came round as I felt I could really talk to her without anyone else there.

No. We had the in-laws over for tea and cake one afternoon when they were about 5 days old.

No, I didn’t want anyone visiting me in hospital, my parents included and said we would let them know when we ready. I am very, very glad I did as I was in no state for visitors. You’re the one giving birth this is completely up to you. Don’t let anyone else make it about them.

Youngest dc (new dh) mil only visited because dh had specifically told her not to..
Went nc when dc was 3 months.
Unlike first dc, kept in a week and dgm brought me homemade jam tarts and all sorts!! Dm visited but bf's family didn't. Can't remember why.. Long time ago..

Yep.
My lovely pil arrived, stayed 20 mins, beamed with pride, told us how wonderful we were, then went home.
My kids were there 9th, 10th and 11th grandchildren though!.

Yes for number 1 because I was in hospital for 48 hours. He was born at 4am and my parents and she's parents both came for afternoon visiting. It was absolutely lovely for them all to meet their new grandchild.
Ds2 my mil was staying with us to look after ds1 and she brought him to the hospital to meet his new brother which was again, really lovely.
Then we all went home and my parents came to visit.

Take it as it comes. If you are discharged after 6 hours or even 24, there may not be time anyway. If you are in for several days agreeing to a half hour visit to show off your baby might be fine.

Just take it as it comes. If your DH has boundaries, and it sounds as if he has, let him deal with it.

Don’t shut them out for the sake of it and then stress yourself out worrying the whole time about the tension that will cause. Sometimes being chilled about a visit but issuing the invite on YOUR terms is all that is needed to take the stress out.

I am the Mum if boys, I know any future DIL will feel closer to her own Mum during labour and post natal periods, and will respect that, but it is a bit sad and I won’t love my grandkids (if I ever have any) less because they are my son’s rather than DD’s.

Mine did. With dc1 they went and bought him some small baby clothes and me some treats as he ended up being born by emcs and had to go to NICU.
With dc1, they had to come and get dc1 when I went into labour in the middle of the night. They brought him for a visit and to see dc2.

However I get on well with them and mil in particular is amazing.

No in laws visited me in hospital, husband knows better than to ask tbh. My own parents did, briefly. First time I was a total mess and not in any state to accept visitors other than my husband and parents. Second time I was only there for a few hours anyway and was home in time for tea.

I had no visitors in hospital apart from DH.
First visits were at home after a week.

We wanted some time just as a 3.

No. Just have the baby and tell them when you get home. (When YOU want to)

Yes but they're lovely people and it was their first grandchild. They waited until 30 hours after I'd had DD, until I felt well enough after my unplanned section and only stayed about 30 minutes (I was discharged very soon after)

They're the type of people who are incredibly respectful of our parenting decisions and I've quite often had to tell them that they're ok to ask to hold the baby/push the pram/come and see us and don't need to wait to be asked for for fear of being overbearing.

In your case, I'd tell your in laws to do one