Did your in-laws visit you in hospital after you gave birth?

[otterbaby]

Just following on from another poster's thread about telling family/friends you are in labour.

I'm due to give birth in October. My parents live abroad and (hopefully) my mum will be in the room with me and my DH, assuming restrictions begin to lift.

I get along with my in-laws but the relationship has been a little tense from my end for the past 8/9 months or so. I lost my first baby at 16 weeks last October and my MIL made the entire thing about her and it really changed the way that I see her. Now that I'm pregnant again, she's very overbearing and again, making it all about her. She's started several arguments with my DH in the last few months about various baby-related things (purchasing things for the baby when we specifically asked everyone to wait until after our 20 week scan due to what happened last time, posting on social media when we asked them not to, etc). Among other things, but the main gist is she's very self-centred. I would prefer that her and my FIL don't come visit us and baby in the hospital once the baby is here. Mainly, because I want to be able to focus on that initial bonding time with the baby and getting her latched correctly and don't feel comfortable with my in-laws seeing my bits! But also because they stress me out and I'd rather be back home in my own space, settled in before they visit. But that would mean potentially waiting a few days before they meet baby.

Is this asking for trouble, particularly since my mum will be in the hospital with us? My DH doesn't mind either way. Cba with the drama of it all. Obviously this entire situation might be resolved on its own if the hospital is still not allowing visitors!

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Lots to ponder over the next few months. It may be easier to have a fleeting visit in the hospital so that 'first visit' box is ticked and we can then focus on settling in before issuing invites again.

@FamBae I'd just like to note that PIL have been kept in the loop with everything at exactly the same time as my parents. Told the same day, told gender the same day, sent scan photos the same day...I don't have an agenda to keep them away from the baby and certainly have not been unkind to them at all. If anything, I have put aside my annoyances to ensure that they feel included in the experience as it's their first grandchild.
If and when I have a son, and indeed with my daughter as well, I'd like to think I'll be able to establish personal boundaries and not make the expecting parents feel stressed out over my own dramas, particularly if they are experiencing pregnancy after loss which comes with its own challenges.

My mil and sil did and I had a strained relationship with mil (sil is lovely though and we would be friends anyway if she wasn't my sil).

My dm and dp were my birth partners and mil wasn't happy about being second to see ds but dp put short shrift to that and backed me up saying my dm was there primarily to support me (which she was) and was not being prioritised.

Ds was born at 3am and they came to visit at 11am.

Tbh I wanted everyone except dp to just go away and leave me alone (including the midwives who were doing the checks as they were spread out in such a way that ds hadn't slept for hours and was too exhausted to feed but that's a whole different thread).

I was too exhausted to say anything though and too on edge with visitors to sleep. I was and was quite happy to let them see him though as they were obviously very excited and the matron in the ward was actually pretty good at kicking people out when they had outstayed their welcome.

Mil was also not impressed that she didn't get to feed ds (whilst I was trying very unsuccessfully to establish breastfeeding) but again the midwives had a strong word with her.

I was incredibly proud of ds though and was very happy to show him off to all and sundry. I just didn't want anyone else to touch him.

It was a very strange time.

Yes because the baby was in NICU and we were all in a bit longer than expected, but had it all been straight forward they wouldn’t have.

No visits the second time until we were home.

My parents left it a week or two both times.

My in laws arrived just before my parents and said that they were coming in to see us first!
My Mam was upset as she wanted to see if I was ok! They stayed for a little then my parents came in.
I didn't think about this until afterwards as my mam said she was all worked up and just wanted to see if I was ok! Then meet the baby!
I would have them visit you in the hospital as the visiting times will be limited and then have a few days at home.
Whereas when your at home they could come and sit over you both which I think is worse xx

No, I was also discharged very fast. Stayed overnight with the first but was discharged in the morning. With the second I was home within 3 hours. They do like to get you out fast if they can so you may not have a chance for many visitors.

When my cousin was pregnant we announced our wedding. My aunt and uncle told us they couldn't possibly come because "they were waiting on the arrival of their first grandson as their DIL had had 9 miscarriages before and they didn't want to miss out"
My cousin had already given his apologies so I asked if there was any way we could help his folks be part of my big day.
Que cousin's wife contacting me and working together to pay for a week long stay near me (other side of the country) during my wedding and we also helped plan visiting all the rest of the relatives.
When their baby was born they didn't get told for a few days but they were having so much fun catching up with relatives it didn't seem to matter.

With DS1 I still have memories of MIL barging in to the room while my legs were in stirrups being stitched up.

The first picture they have holding the baby was taken by me half an hour after birth.

Her main concern was that I had my mum as a birth partner and she was horrified my mum would meet the baby before her. My mum was there to support me, she honestly couldn't have cared less about seeing the baby after me being in labour for 28 hours. She was just relieved I'd got through it.

Second time around I chose to only have DH to avoid any issues, turns out both sets of parents were on holiday when I went in to labour (nightmare for childcare), and MIL's first comment when we told her that I was in labour was her relief that my mum wouldn't get a chance to see the baby before her. Jokes on her because my mum actually came home from holiday while she stayed on her jollies sending me pictures of herself drinking champagne on the beach to toast the new baby.

My in-laws did visit, which was fine as they are great people. My parents are based abroad and could only come later so saw baby at home around day 6 if I remember correctly. Getting fuzzy now, eldest one is a huge teen now.

No but I went home pretty soon afterwards. I wouldn't have allowed a visit in hospital, I think it's a really private time but others will feel differently. I don't think by October you will be allowed multiple guests anyway. My in-laws were the same as yours, buying everything a baby needs for their house as if it was their own. It really annoyed me a lot at the time but looking back that may have been partly hormones. It came in useful in the end when they looked after him and I guess they were just excited.

No and I wouldn’t allow it in your situation.

You are the patient and the only person whose views count. There’s no moral or legal right to visit someone else in hospital.

No, they waited until I was home - day 6 I think.

Yes, mine did, both children. But then I was in hospital for 5 days after each birth. They came to stay in our house for a couple of nights as well.

Yes, my ILs travelled from Dublin to Belfast on the two days I was in hospital to see DC1.

It was lovely. On the second day MIL brought her own mother, who was in the mid stages of dementia. DH got to see his granny reacting to and cradling his brand new daughter. She declined between DD and the next grandchild’s birth so that was the last chance for that kind of experience.

I loved showing off my newborns in hospital- I’m very close to my family and my MIL is amazing so I knew there wouldn’t be any chance of the horror stories you’d read on here!

Mine didn't but they lived in France. That said, they didn't rush over to see any of them afterwards either. They were spectacularly not that interested when my youngest was born 9 weeks early and was in NICU! If you don't want them to visit in hospital, then don't have then there. I only had my parents, my grandma, my siblings, and my dhs grandma who got the train down, and my best friend visit me in hospital.

Mine did. It was exciting to show my baby off to people who already loved him.

Don’t make any decisions yet. Family aren’t perfect but when you have a baby they can be lifesavers. Even the annoying ones.

First time both my mil and fil came, I was really glad they did, I'd had a traumatic time and needed some extra love. 2nd time my mil came, I came home the same day I gave birth and assumed dh had told her that, she went to the hospital but I wasnt there. I felt awful

Make sure you husband doesn’t tell them that baby is here until you are back home - then there’s no issue. Also let him deal with then when they do visit.

One of the secrets of dealing with difficult in-laws is to let your husband do it. Stop trying to get on with then and making a huge effort - it’s HIS job to do that. You just smile and nod.

Many men are perfectly happy to let their parents act unreasonably as long as it’s only bothering their wife and not them. They never want to do anything “ because they don’t want to upset them “. But they are happy for you to be upset.

Just step back and out of it all.

Stop telling them information if they can’t be trusted.

If they post on SM when you’ve asked them not to, stop telling them information. Then they can’t post it.

If you Know they will appear at the hospital when they have been asked not to, don’t tell them you are in.

What you tell / do your mother is irrelevant. Treat them as individuals and not as job titles. Families are not subject to equal opportunities legislation.

People reap what they sow. If you are an arse to your DIL, you will see your GC less or not at all. It’s rule 101 of being a MIL.

I say this all as a MIL.

Its important to remember that your mil loves your dh like you love your baby.

Nope. Mil (now exMil), refused to visit as she had wanted a GS, having had 3 GD's already. Apparently she cried for a week when she found out I'd had a girl.

I'm due in October as well but I think coronavirus could have some benefits here and we probably won't be able to have visitors other than DP. I personally don't want hospital visits from either set of parents if they are allowed by then, I would rather be able to invite them to meet the baby when it's convenient for us and we're settled in at home, and that's a boundary I will be sticking very firmly to. I would be horrified if anyone just turned up at the hospital to visit but then I don't like surprises at the best of times!

It will depend how long you are in for. Most of my friends who had to stay at all were only one night and then home quickly.

I was in two nights for a c section and had DM and MIL visit (separately). It was brief for both and when I said I was tired they left, but it meant the world to them, and also meant there was no pressure once I did get home.

Honestly, I think your issues with MIL are greater than for when you are just in the hospital. Let her visit for 30 mins. It will make things so much easier. Especially if your mum is there.

(That said, I think you really do need to get your head around the fact it's likely to be only your DP and not your DM. Don't be disappointed.)

Mine did but with my blessing and encouragement. I had gestational diabetes and a planned c section so I knew I'd be in for at least a couple of days. My parents came the day she was born and my in laws (including my SIL) the day after.

They would have waited until I came home if I had asked but I get on with them very well can they were very excited about their first grandchild so I wanted them to meet her as soon as they could. We all agreed that if the birth didn't go well and I didn't feel up to it I could just tell them and they'd wait.

Ultimately it's your decision though. You need to do what is right for all of you.

No, they didn't really have time, we weren't in long, but they certainly knew because bloody do was on his phone texting them while I was pushing ds out. I mean actually baby crowning and he was on his phone. The midwife had to tell him to out it away.

Yes MIL and BIL came, and even 2.5 years later I regret it.
I also regret the amount of time we spent going back and forth to their house because they wouldn't come to us. It really effected my attempts to breastfeed and express when the feeding didn't work.
It effected my bonding time with my daughter, when I should have been recovering from my emergency section and getting to know DD, it became all about MIL instead.
Not going to lie giving birth to DS in lockdown has been amazing because I've not had to worry about any of that.
She's made so many digs recently that DH has stopped talking to her. Final straw was when she made one about DD.
It's been bliss!
Just don't tell her your in labour and whatever you do don't invite her to stay at the house.
Those last few days need to be quiet and restful.
Have your mum with you whenever you want because this is all about you and what you need. Not her!

Mine did, as did random aunts of my husband, my chief executive's wife, randoms from my village who work in the hospitality and knew I had had a baby. They all stuck their head in for five minutes, gave me a present, said all the right things about my baby being beautiful and then they cleared off. It didn't interfere with any bonding.

Having said all that, if you have a bad relationship and think that them visiting in hospital might make you upset or whatever, then get your husband to ask them not to.