Help me end an inappropriate infatuation

[TheLittleDogLaughed]

I’m a sensible woman of 53, married to dh since 2012, previously a single mum to dd who is now 18. I’ve been coming on here since 2002 but had a few name changes over the years.

In January I met a man at a work event and instantly and immediately connected in a very powerful way. It was mutual. He’s 8 years younger, also married with two teenage kids.

We messaged each other non-stop after that first meeting, both of us really shocked and surprised to have this connection. We live at opposite ends of the country. We met up just once only for a couple of hours when we were in the same place for work. We had planned to meet again.

Then we hit lockdown. We’re in touch every few days but don’t talk on the phone or anything. Just messages. We’ve swapped a few photographs; not nudes - faces.

The thing is that I know it’s wrong. Dh and I aren’t particularly close, we’re very independent of each other In many ways but he is close to his dw. I feel hideously guilty about her.

I need to end it with him but I can’t stop thinking about him; he dominates every waking moment. I feel as though I’m going mad with longing for him. This isn’t me at all.

How do I move on? Has anybody else had an infatuation like this?

You have to cut all contact, including things like looking at his social media profiles and pouring over old messages. Then keep busy with other things. It really is that simple, although it will be tough and miserable until you eventually come out the other side.

It’s impossible to imagine that. We have been very careful not to connect on social media so that’s not a problem, we both only keep private accounts so nothing is available like that. He has a reasonably public profile for work so there are some You Tube films of him which I have watched an absurd amount of times though have made myself stop now.

I feel like an idiotic teenager. The feelings I have are so intense. Do you really think they can just fade?

They need to fade. What’s the alternative?

You see heading into affair territory. Some would say you are already having an emotional affair.

Say goodbye, block personal number, counselling

Delete all the messages
Block his number
Move on

It is an emotional affair already, for me. I think he is much cooler about it.

So those saying to block him etc., is this something you’ve successfully done?

Yes it will fade. You're in the midst of limerance which is not rooted in reality - it's a little fantasy bubble which will burst if you stop feeding it.

Yes I have done this with exes - if you block him, delete his number etc you have no choice but to go cold turkey. It is really hard at first but it does get better. At least you have a DH - can you try and get more into him?

It's a fantasy.

It is not real.

Block. Do not unblock.

Give it time.

Well I would say you are already having an affair. Doesn't matter how close you are to your husband, he is still you husband and deserves better. I think you need to have a conversation with your husband, why stay with a man you are not close to, and when you are infatuated with another man? What do you hope to achieve?

Me and dh met when I was a v busy working single mum. He was coming out of a long-term relationship and is older than me. We always knew that we were more friends than lovers. We get on fine but there is no romance. I probably could tell him about this other man but I’ve avoided doing that because I’ve kept thinking it will be over. Only my feelings keep getting stronger and stronger.

Limerance - that’s interesting.I haven’t heard of that before.

OP, I’m not judging, life is complicated, but I’m not sure block him is the advice you were hoping for here. I think you are looking for the green light, someone to tell you to go for it, life is short blah blah blah. All very true, but you have to focus on his teenage children. A terrible age for a family break up, literally could impact on them for the whole of their lives, future relationships, career choices, everything.
If you really can’t get over this, tell him you feel strongly for him, but you are blocking so he can focus on his family. If in 5 years or so when they are adults you want to reconnect, do it. Life is short and if it’s really meant to be, it will be. But for now, focus on the pain it will cause those kids, and say goodbye. Do not seek him out and when mooning for him, focus on a young girl sobbing or a lad feeling scared and suicidal because his Dad has cheated on mum.

Oh trust me, I do think of his family. This is why it is so uncharacteristic of me - I hate cheating and infidelity. My dd’s father had affairs with other women before we finally left him.

I’m not looking for a green light - I would just go for it but he wouldn’t because he loves his family. If I’m honest I think he’s humouring me, it’s all very driven by me and, as such, is all quite embarrassing. I’m frequently ashamed of myself in fact, He is out of my league.

I just need to find a way to get him out of my head.

I have been thinking this past few days of telling him that I like him too much, that it’s making me unhappy and is not what he wants so I will end communication with him.

I will still have to have some contact because of work. I can’t avoid that.

The thought of never talking to him again makes me so sad.

Oh bless you, I thought it was mutual. Definitely look up limerance, it sounds like such a thing.
Why don’t you leave your husband? Get your own place, focus on yourself and have a fab time! Have some hot sex (with unmarried men), travel (when we are allowed) and find yourself. Your marriage sounds a bit crap to be honest.
And definitely block this guy if you are making a fool of yourself, hold onto the cringe factor. Imagine him telling his mates about a sad old bag that he might slip one too just for the hell of it at the next conference. Anything to put you off him.
Good luck OP, you have lots to think about, this man is probably just the trigger.

Quick google search led to living with limerance site, might make some interesting reading for you.

You say yourself you're more friends than lovers with your husband. I think that's the relationship you need to end personally. The fact you are involved with someone else compounds that really.

I would say though that don't get your feelings for affair chap confused with your reasons for divorce, they are two entirely different things by the sounds of it?

Good luck with it all, terribly complicated

As a side note I also many years ago was infatuated with a work acquaintance and he was on a company video on their website. I may have watched that video an unreasonable amount of times Just so you know you're not alone

SandysMam I do do the ‘sad old bag’ thing to put myself off. I don’t think he’s the sort of person to laugh at me; if he was then I wouldn’tclike him. He’s a very lovely, quite socially awkward but caring man. He’s not a heart throb or even particularly handsome.

The truth is that he is exactly what I have always wanted but never found. But I can’t have him.

I had this, exactly this.

I stopped it by telling the bloke that I loved him and couldn't do it any more. It was so cringy saying that, I was embarrassed so the embarrassment kind of took over for a bit. I was totally honest with him, I got it all out of my head and verbalised it to him. I was sobbing, it was awful, I felt like a total idiot. It worked though!

If you've swapped photographs, talked about the connection and messaged non-stop (I'm assuming not about work stuff) then it doesn't sound one-sided to me!
I'm afraid I don't have much advice other than try to do the right thing. You're clearly not happy with your DH. Sort that out first, be on your own for a bit.

End your relationship and find this in your next partner.
Or tell him and he might feel the same but agree to wait until his kids grow up. I feel for you OP, love is the best, and the worst.

Impatientwino (great name, I relate). Yes the YouTube link has been much over-used.

The advice about sorting my own life out is making me think. I do want more than work and practical existence. I’ve put dd before everything since she was born - part of the reasons why I married my dh is to provide security for her. He’s been a good stepfather and she loves him. I’m grateful for all of that but I do miss love and romance.

Has anybody else had an infatuation like this? Yes, but they were secret crushes I'd only ever tell my sis or close friends about, sometimes not even then never the person themselves. Admiring someone in secret, from afar is one thing.

It's not just an infatuation though, is it? And he's married with, dc. You're married.

I think you should have a good think about divorce (and being single and dating again) vs staying faithful. And if I were you, I would cut contact with this guy, until you're both single again (which may never happen). Having a "connection" isn't worth hurting so many people, imo, and it sounds like this could get messy once the lockdown is over.

Movinghouseatlast you poor thing. Was it possible for you to not see him any more? I won’t be able to avoid this guy forever and I’m pretty sure the attraction will be there at the next work event.

Yes, the attraction was mutual. I think it was a meeting of minds as much as anything - that’s where we got talking. We discovered that we were born in the same small town. It was very movie romance scene as in everything stopped around us and we couldn’t keep our eyes off each other for the rest of the day.

Where it’s not mutual is that he has a long-term relationship and it was / is romantic. So for him there is more conflict in his feelings for me. We have both admitted that if we were single and met we would be together for certain.