Help me end an inappropriate infatuation

[TheLittleDogLaughed]

I’m a sensible woman of 53, married to dh since 2012, previously a single mum to dd who is now 18. I’ve been coming on here since 2002 but had a few name changes over the years.

In January I met a man at a work event and instantly and immediately connected in a very powerful way. It was mutual. He’s 8 years younger, also married with two teenage kids.

We messaged each other non-stop after that first meeting, both of us really shocked and surprised to have this connection. We live at opposite ends of the country. We met up just once only for a couple of hours when we were in the same place for work. We had planned to meet again.

Then we hit lockdown. We’re in touch every few days but don’t talk on the phone or anything. Just messages. We’ve swapped a few photographs; not nudes - faces.

The thing is that I know it’s wrong. Dh and I aren’t particularly close, we’re very independent of each other In many ways but he is close to his dw. I feel hideously guilty about her.

I need to end it with him but I can’t stop thinking about him; he dominates every waking moment. I feel as though I’m going mad with longing for him. This isn’t me at all.

How do I move on? Has anybody else had an infatuation like this?

That's good

Now do NOT initiate ANY further contact.
Not under the guise of being friends. Not at all.

Rip off the plaster.
The sooner you go no contact the sooner you'll get over this.

That's a good step but be aware of the dangers of remaining 'friends' - it's can so easily creep back into "well, friends can go for a quick coffee together can't they, or text to see if the other person is OK when they don't turn up for work etc etc". But any of those things will not be OK in your situation. Treat him like you would an addiction!

We live so far apart that going for a quick coffee etc. wouldn’t happen. We would always have to arrange in advance and work meetings will be fairly rare and with other people.

It’s done.

For those querying my relationship with DH, we have an unusual arrangement. It suited us both. There is no passion on either side but it has worked so far. I don’t think it is likely to last forever.

I'd like to hear your husbands side of how you explain your relationship...

I think he’d tell you that he is happy with me. He’s not well and I care for him, make him laugh, cook well and give a lot of time and attention to his daughters who mean the world to him and who I love dearly. He’d say he’s sad that we can’t have sex and he feels guilty that I’ve given up that side of my life for him. He’s always told me to “go and have fun” when I am away for work or out with friends and that he doesn’t need to know what I do. I never have done anything because I never met anyone I liked enough. He knows that when we met I was in a bad way as an exhausted depressed single mum and he changed me and dd’s situation completely - I’m extremely grateful for that as I would have broken down at that time.

I'm not going to lie op but when I read your posts it was really making me cringe. You were almost at stalker level imo so I'm glad you've ended it

I don't think your marriage has worked well so far or you wouldn't be interested in anyone else....and tbh not many people would be happy in a love and sexless marriage so I get it. Perhaps it's time to move on from dh, not to be harsh but it sounds like a really shit marriage that I wouldn't be able to stay in. Lifes to short for that

I make myself cringe! Part of the reason for this thread is to bash that into my head.

There is love in my marriage in terms of affection and support but not passion. I thought I’d be okay with that and that the other things would outweigh it but clearly not.

No I didn't mean I wanted to hear your interpretation of your husbands feelings...he more thank likely tells a different story.
'Go and have fun' doesn't mean 'go and shag someone else' to most people. My husband says that. He means go and have a good time with friends, have a drink, have a laugh, make some new friends even. I think you've used a bit of poetic licence here. If your husband really meant he was giving you a green light to cheat on him, why haven't you been open and honest with him about this man and your relationship??

I’d like to recommend a book to you called “three women” by Lisa Taddeo. You Re not alone in how you and the went for a sex life is nothing to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about. You just need to work out what you want and go for it rather than at the moment it seems you are unhappy and so are others around you.

Why did you settle for a man like your DH? I don't get it. Is he minted or something? It almost sounds as if he is your employer - you look after him, cook for him and care for his daughters. You're a housekeeper basically.

You say you're 53. You could easily live another 30 - 40 years. You need to reevaluate your life and find a better, more fulfilling way to live. This infatuation with the workmate is the wake up call you need. He's not The One but he's triggered the realisation in you that you are seriously unhappy.

Aw this is what happened with me and my (now) fiancé

Instant connection like a lighting bolt (he was separated I wasn’t )

We are now engaged and v happy ..

I agree that you are already having an affair. I would say normally that you would need to break all contact completely or end your marriage, with no in between. I think the only other option for you in your circumstances is to have as distant as possible professional relationship, including thinking about moving work/employers. I don't think friendship is even an option. It sounds like you can't bear not to be in contact with this man, and I would worry about your marriage. I hope it works out for you.

Aw Sunny that's so cute... 😑

@SamAndSmith was not an easy path to follow but have such love in my life with him - def my soulmate !

Block first then delete. Do this with every contact route you have for him.

He's only in this for a potential shag.

Honestly, he's not important. Just get rid before you blow your family apart

I am going to go against the grain and say that blocking him will make you so miserable. You will be mourning the relationship AND the contact, and I honestly think if you can do some serious work behind the scenes then you won't need to block him. But you really do need to bring this to a head on your own terms. If his DW or your DH finds out what's been happening, then it will be taken out of your hands and the repercussions will be horrendous.

He’s been married for 25 years and not cheated.

And yet he's now having an emotional affair with you - so he is "that sort of man", as you are "that sort of woman" ie the sort that will chest on their partner.

SamAndSmith he does mean go and have sex actually. But he doesn’t want to know about it and he doesn’t want me to leave him. He was born in the 50s, was a hippy student in the 70s. He is very liberal minded. I haven’t told him about the guy I like because of my confused feelings. I don’t want to just ‘have fun’ with him, it’s not about shagging. So yes, I think me having feelings for someone else would hurt him. ALSO the big ALSO is that the guy I like doesn’t have the same strength of feelings for me so it’s a non-starter.

MagnoliaJustice I think I’ve explained a few times about why me and dh got together on the thread. We needed someone like each other at the time we met. It wasn’t heart-stopping romance but we neither of us were looking for that when we met.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras My remark about “that sort of man” was in response to people saying he’s a ‘player’ / ‘after a shag’ etc. He’s just not like that - really I’ve done all the running. He’s not attractive or confident in that way. We don’t ‘sext’ - we talk about books and music. And we talk about how close we feel despite barely knowing each other. We also talk about not doing anything to hurt our families. Not everything is a seedy tv cliche - people are complicated, things happen unexpectedly ...

Anyway it is now finished and I won’t be in touch with him any more. He won’t push it. Neither of us want drama.

I began the thread really because I needed that push to stop being an idiot and move on. Which I have.

Honestly you are deluded about this man. HE IS that type of man. You have known him for 5 months! He has carried on this relationship with you. If you're this intense about it online you will undoubtedly be the same in conversation with him. He's fully aware of that and hasn't calmed things down. You're already hurting your families and it is fucking seedy! I would be absolutely horrified to find my husband had been talking to another woman about feeling so close to her. HE IS LOVING IT!

Have you thought about how you would feel if you found out your husband had been doing the same?

My parents were born in the 50's. They were hippies in the 70's. They are very liberal minded. They don't give each other the green light to shag about. They don't pursue people already MARRIED.

I'm out. We are going round in circles here. You've repeatedly minimised this situation and you're relationship with your husband.
You're cheating on your husband.
Your prospective lover is cheating on his wife and daughters. You tried to justify yourself every time someone has questioned you.
Find a hobby that isn't chasing after married men!

My remark about “that sort of man” was in response to people saying he’s a ‘player’ / ‘after a shag’ etc. He’s just not like that

He's been a party in an emotional affair. You don't need to have shagged to have been unfaithful. Does his wife know about it? How would she feel if she did? Could she read all of the text messages you've shared?

You've both been having an emotional affair.

SamAndSmith

I completely agree with you.

@SamandSmith Excellent post, very succinct.

True love, my arse. Step away from your Mills and Boon narrative, OP, this amazing connection you have with this man is mostly in your head. He's loving the fact he has you hooked and he's loving the fact that you'll succumb to being his bit on the side and he's definitely going to go cold on you afterwards. Despite your proclamations to the contrary, I bet he's had an amazing connection with dozens of women throughout his 25 year marriage.

Seeing as your DH has apparently given you the green light to shag anyone you want, why don't you find yourself a fuckbuddy who isn't married?

I haven’t blocked him because I know he won’t push it.

It's up to you but I would block him and delete his contact details. It's too tempting when you hit a really low point to reach out and trying to remain friends is so unworkable. You'll just be dragging on a degree of heartache for years, potentially.

I know it's hard. I don't think it's worth judging in these situations because life is complicated and you deserve love as much as this man's wife does. You clearly have a lot of unmet needs and I bet that stretches back a long way. You're only human so you were bound to get caught up with something like this. Grief and loneliness and unhappiness are wretched and come in so many different forms. It is so hard walking away when you feel you've connected with someone too. Those connections are few and far between and can feel so incredibly special.

I can only say even in terms of 'just' staying friends, you need to step back and think of his wife. Even a text based emotional affair can cause acute harm. You don't want to do that to someone. If you thought you were in a loving marriage and your lovely husband was talking over a period of time with someone they'd had a bit of a special connection with, you would feel very hurt and worried.

There are other decent people out there you can form a connection with, I promise. If you completely cut contact now, you will get over your feelings for this man sooner. You'll be able to hold your head high too because you'll have done the right thing. That counts for a lot in terms of building a nice future for yourself. Don't walk away from this having to feel shame because that is so penetrating.

And really, you absolutely have no idea who this man is. Years ago I was infatuated with a married man. There was no affair, no real friendship developed because he was married so I didn't go there but I couldn't believe how incredible he was and how smitten I felt. It broke my heart that he was taken. Obviously, writing that I can see I was at a very vulnerable stage of my life. Anyway, he was kind and clever and driven and was loved by lots of friends. So good looking too and he had really strong views on something which were important to me. I grieved so much that he wasn't available. I sunk very low. (Again, that says everything about my life at the time)

Except, it turns out, he was abusive to his beautiful, talented, kind wife. He did a lot of drugs. He was manipulative. He had a dreadful temper with his very young children to the point of 3 nannies leaving because they felt he was abusive to them and couldn't stomach it. I only know that because I ended up getting to know his brother who was one of the few people who saw that side of him. That wide circle of friends were largely oblivious and it turns out the few who knew and had known him 10+ years were so dazzled by him they just accepted him like that and turned a blind eye.

You are doing what everyone who has ever had an affair has done - you are creating this man in your head and while that might be an accurate picture of him, you just have no idea. Really, you could be so wrong. If you have any wisdom you will sit and look at your own thoughts about all of this and do some work on why your brain has gone in the direction of this infatuation. Have therapy if needs be. Just do the right thing. Don't talk to this man again.

Why not block him? What odds does it make to you?

Either you are getting rid or you aren't