Help me end an inappropriate infatuation

[TheLittleDogLaughed]

I’m a sensible woman of 53, married to dh since 2012, previously a single mum to dd who is now 18. I’ve been coming on here since 2002 but had a few name changes over the years.

In January I met a man at a work event and instantly and immediately connected in a very powerful way. It was mutual. He’s 8 years younger, also married with two teenage kids.

We messaged each other non-stop after that first meeting, both of us really shocked and surprised to have this connection. We live at opposite ends of the country. We met up just once only for a couple of hours when we were in the same place for work. We had planned to meet again.

Then we hit lockdown. We’re in touch every few days but don’t talk on the phone or anything. Just messages. We’ve swapped a few photographs; not nudes - faces.

The thing is that I know it’s wrong. Dh and I aren’t particularly close, we’re very independent of each other In many ways but he is close to his dw. I feel hideously guilty about her.

I need to end it with him but I can’t stop thinking about him; he dominates every waking moment. I feel as though I’m going mad with longing for him. This isn’t me at all.

How do I move on? Has anybody else had an infatuation like this?

DameHannahRelf The funny thing is that I haven’t had an infatuation before. I have been the object of other people’s though and now I feel a bit shitty that I wasn’t kinder to them. There is actually a man who is very into me at the moment in fact but I’m not at all interested.

I think it’s more - I genuinely could be in love with this guy. He has all the things I’ve ever wanted. But he belongs to someone else and she deserves him as the mum of his kids, the years together etc.

Will you have the decency to tell your husband?

You stepped out of line by meeting up with this guy.

I know I did. It’s not like me and I’m not proud.

I have no sympathy for you. My stepfather, who raised me from birth, my only father, has done this exact same thing last year and it has completely destroyed our family and my mother. I now have no contact with him as he expected me to believe his lies.
Either end your marriage or end this affair, if not for the sake of your husband, think about your daughter, his wife & children! The only innocent parties in all this.
Is this the kind of relationship you want your daughter to find herself in?

I won't say anymore because I have nothing kind to say.

OK. What I think you need to do is this. Send a lengthy, emotional, blurt it out message to this man. Shout it out. Tell him you are getting way to involved in your feelings for him etc etc and it's time to leave things where they are and not speak again. Yes it will hurt, yes you will cry and probably sob your heart out. Then you block his number.
Then you spend sometime building yourself back up. Either you work on your relationship with DH. Can you suddenly become a romantic couple when you have never been that sort of couple before? I think that's what you are looking for?
OR you brake it off with DH. You find a nice place for you and DD. You send her off to uni and you date some men and have a bloody good shag! Find you again. Explore life and what it has to offer you. Get some excitement back.

Look, OP, ‘the one’ is a myth. In reality there are lots of people we could have been happy with, and you’ve just happened to meet one of yours when you’ve both already chosen elsewhere. It’s not a Romeo and Juliet style tragedy, it’s not even wildly unusual. I’ve been happily with my DH since my teens (now mid-40s), and have met two men I had feelings for and think I could have been happy with had we both been single — both through work. It was never discussed, but in one case it was definitely mutual. But we were both happily married, so acted appropriately.

The feelings faded, as they do, and while I’ve largely lost touch with one, who now lives in another country, other than the odd email, the other has become a good, supportive, platonic friend. To the point that when he announced last year that he was divorcing his wife, I literally couldn’t believe I’d ever been attracted to him. Because in fact, he’s a normal, flawed human being who was, I suspect, crap at being married, and a lazy parent.

If your marriage is unhappy, end it. But end it for your own sake, not in any hopes of this man. That you’ve met only twice.

You have a crush. Even if you were to get together with this man it would fade. You’ve known him very briefly so most of what you are infatuated is your own imaginings of him. This isn’t love. He could be a total wanker, judging by his actions while married he probably is.

MicrowaveOven I think you’re right. That’s what I need to do.

DH is not romantic at all. I knew this from the start and we don’t have sex. I don’t think that will change.

He's probably stringing you along for the ego boost. Cold turkey no contact is the only way.

mimifroufrou I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m aware of the issues. However, sometimes in life no matter how ‘decent’ you’ve always been, something throws you.

Spanishcove wise words thank you. I genuinely haven’t been the crush type of person except for once in my teens where I pretty much stalked some poor bloke. It takes a lot for me to feel this level of attraction to someone; I’m very picky and I’ve spent a lot of time single because of it.

@Microwaveoven, I think that’s poor advice. The blurting about feelings is perfectly likely to lead to the guy blurting right back, and suddenly it’s not breaking off contact, it’s frenetic sexting and shagging in car parks and doomed love.

I think the OP should simply say she’s realised it’s inappropriate and break off contact definitively, not declare her love before doing so, which is quite likely to escalate everything.

TwentyViginti if he was that kind of man I wouldn’t want him.

Sounds similar to a situation I got myself into some years ago, I realise now, because my ExH was emotionally neglectful and I was lonely and sad.

Looking back some years later, I could see that he was getting a lot out of it; safe home life plus an adoring online would be girlfriend, hanging on for crumbs of attention..if only things were different sigh

My ExH and I divorced and I met another man, only then did my online paramour show interest because he was jealous and it was about his ego. Always had been.

I wish someone had given me a shake years ago. I had two other single friends since who got themselves in the same situation, 'if only things were different etc etc'and I kindly, but firmly, encouraged them to move on because it was killing them, at no cost to him. They both thought i was unsympathetic initially but one met a lovely available man shortly afterwards and has never looked back.

OP, this is really hurting you, it will end in tears (yours) sooner or later and the longer it goes on, the harder they will be.
You have a gap in your life and he appears to be filling in but it isn't real. You need other real relationships in your life. Either work on your marriage, or end it and find a new one. Or accept your stable friendship and find other things to enrich your life.
You'll get some peace then. Good wishes, it's very painful, I know.

I think if I declared love it would make him feel shit. Because he wouldn’t want to hurt me and he couldn’t reciprocate. So probably there is no point in that.

Maybe I should try to let it fade into a friendship? That way I could still appreciate his lovely company without hurting anyone?

He isn't everything you've always wanted, op. That's an illusion that you've created for yourself. I get the occasional crush that can last 3 to 4 years before the rose tinted spectacles are removed. I have never acted on any though and I am aware that they are not rooted in reality.

Learning about limerance helped me to deal with it actually. Stay on MN for some straight talking, read some other threads on the subject, before you make a fool of yourself in RL.

Oh god - don't start wanging on about limerence. That's basically a word trotted out on here but it's just used by people to justify stalking behaviours half the time

You've got a crush. Doesn't your husband deserve better? Stop mooning over this bloke like some sort of daffy teenager and cut contact. Or carry on and risk your marriage

MuseumOfYou thank you for sharing that. Some home truths there - I do cling onto every crumb of affection and I do re-read every message. Though I’ve also had sporadic purges of all of it.

I think the clear advice I am getting here is to first and foremost sort out my own romantic situation. Difficult during lockdown and dd won’t be going anywhere soon.

I’ve never heard of limerence before now. I could imagine stalking but I can resist that as I have self-respect and I don’t want to hurt anyone else.

I am not stupid - I’m a well-educated, professional woman with a grown up dd I’ve mostly raised completely alone.

This has literally thrown me. Maybe I’m hormonal. God knows.

@TheLittleDogLaughed you keep saying ‘if he were that type of man’ every time someone mentions anything negative. He isn’t a ‘type of man’, he’s showing you his very best first-flush-of-attraction self. It isn’t real. He shits and farts and snaps at his family sometimes and tells mean jokes when he’s had a few and doesn’t always pipe up to defend people if it would mean rocking the boat too much. He’s probably got some annoying habits or boring hobbies. Maybe he gets warts on his feet or has an incredibly hairy back. Maybe he watches a lot of porn. He’s not this amazing heart throb hero 24h a day.

He’s a guy who’s telling his wife he loves her and is texting someone else. He’s no prize.

It's not easy.

But I think for everyone's sake you need to divorce DH (sad, but you're not happy) You want more out of a relationship than you have with him. It does feel like you've used him, but what's done is done & you can't wind the click back, all you can do now is treat him kindly. Don't tell him about the OM, because he's irrelevant really, all he's done is remind you that you're only 50 & you want more out if life than a sexless, distant marriage.

If you end your marriage in a caring way then he & your DD can retain the relationship they have now with no awkwardness -that's highly unlikely to happen if you have an affair (with OM or someone else).

The other bloke who is paying you attention is also showing you 'you've still got it' and making you want some of that's sexual attention (even if not with him).

Divorce DH, get your own place, & then date other men. See where life takes you.

You know where life is now & where it's taking you and you no longer want that, so do the decent thing with DH and the best thing for yourself. Pull up your big girl pants and divorce DH. I know that's not easy because you probably do love him - but it's the only decent thing to do.

Me and dh met when I was a v busy working single mum. He was coming out of a long-term relationship and is older than me. We always knew that we were more friends than lovers. We get on fine but there is no romance

Sounds like you’re already making excuses for what you’re doing/hoping to do.

He’s 45 and married with a family.
Grow up and stop embarrassing yourself

Pogmella Ha! Warts on the feet, yuck. I’m doing that a lot - telling myself all the things I don’t like, might not like. I’m defending him as not an asshole because I don’t think he is - this is due to his work and professional reputation, not just my starry eyed view. I think he is as thrown by this as me. He’s been married for 25 years and not cheated. And, I repeat, he is far from a heart throb; he’s not attractive particularly and is extremely awkward to the point of seeming anti-social to some people.

overnightangel not making excuses at all. That’s the reality of my relationship.

Excuse after excuse. It's pathetic and embarrassing. Just get on with your affair OP. You seem determined that this man you've known for 5 months is utterly perfect. Let's hope you're the only one he's got on the side.