Help me end an inappropriate infatuation

[TheLittleDogLaughed]

I’m a sensible woman of 53, married to dh since 2012, previously a single mum to dd who is now 18. I’ve been coming on here since 2002 but had a few name changes over the years.

In January I met a man at a work event and instantly and immediately connected in a very powerful way. It was mutual. He’s 8 years younger, also married with two teenage kids.

We messaged each other non-stop after that first meeting, both of us really shocked and surprised to have this connection. We live at opposite ends of the country. We met up just once only for a couple of hours when we were in the same place for work. We had planned to meet again.

Then we hit lockdown. We’re in touch every few days but don’t talk on the phone or anything. Just messages. We’ve swapped a few photographs; not nudes - faces.

The thing is that I know it’s wrong. Dh and I aren’t particularly close, we’re very independent of each other In many ways but he is close to his dw. I feel hideously guilty about her.

I need to end it with him but I can’t stop thinking about him; he dominates every waking moment. I feel as though I’m going mad with longing for him. This isn’t me at all.

How do I move on? Has anybody else had an infatuation like this?

You need to block contact with him and sort yourself and your marriage out. The two issues are totally separate and ending a marriage and going to another relationship immediately is an appalling thing to do, you need time and space to deal with the issues and move on before even considering another relationship.

You don't love him. You don't know him. You only know the version of 'him' that he is projecting (or perhaps that you want to see). Underneath he's like every other man, he farts, leaves his pants on the floor, is sometimes nice and wonderful and othertimes grouchy and miserable. There is no such thing as a perfect man.

That said, he's perfect in your head. Which is just highlighting all the negative aspects of your DH. You need someone who gives you mental stimulation, a bit of passion, a bit of affection. You make your DH sound like an old dog that nobody wants to talk about having pts yet.

I wonder if, maybe, you just aren't meant to be in a relationship. You've spent so long depending on yourself that you can't and won't depend on a man. So your 'mystery man' is distant enough that you don't 'need' him, but compatible enough that you 'want' him.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2414204-Does-anyone-know-much-about-limerence-or-ever-experienced-it?msgid=55599360#55599360

You asked for help to end ‘it’. You do that, by looking at what it really is.
Read this thread. You’ll realise it’s all about you and nothing about him. This guy (at your current level of actual knowledge of him) is interchangeable with many other people pleasant and attractive people you could meet. This limerence is a form of anxiety, a need for escape from unhappiness. See it as a warning alarm to look to your own emotional issues which may well pre-date your marriage and be about childhood. This current powerful projection of feelings is not about sex, love, intimacy, being together happily, having an amazing future as a couple- you’ve projected all of that on to someone you met twice. His feelings are for you are also irrelevant as to why you feel this way. He’s only met you twice.

Think of all the other people you’ve met twice.. how much does their opinion matter to you? Would you hurt lots of other people, and your own children, for their sake? It’s laughable. Something else is telling you he is significant, you need to look urgently at what that something is. He’s not the key to it.

Sure you like the look of him. Sure if you were both free. but neither of you is free. You may want to end an unsatisfying marriage to become free to be alone or try to find another person to be with, but consider your drivers for even considering that.

The thing to do is therapy and if you can’t afford that a shit ton of self help.
Don’t shame yourself for it, but this is a common reaction in a society that tells women that fated love with ‘the one’ exists and finding that one right man will solve all your problems. There are so many ‘right people’ you could be with, but the only one who can make you feel better long term, is you.

I'm not saying you're stupid. But I am saying that you're enjoying all this and it's probably not ideal that we are all fuelling your little obsession right now

He's married and so are you. If you don't think you deserve better for yourself then maybe consider that his wife deserves better than you encouraging her husband in text tennis. And yep, I'm aware it's him that's the issue here but have some common decency towards the sisterhood eh? You fapping over some other woman's husband isn't cricket really is it?

When I met DH I had just left a very horrible relationship, I had a lot of self esteem issues and I was still messaging other guys for the first year of our relationship. (Only a handful of times but over the course of a year)

I knew he was going to propose to me about 18 months into our relationship so I decided to tell him the truth. I had already realised what I was doing was wrong and started to work on my self esteem etc.

But I cannot explain to you the almost physical pain of the moment that all my actions came crashing down on me. As well as the potential consequences.

Sometimes it's only when you look back at your behaviour you see exactly how stupid you have been.

I don't want this for you OP. Lucky for me, my DH is now my DH because I told the truth and he forgave me. We are both relatively open minded people.

But there will come a day when you truly regret this. You'll either have to live with a secret which is torture. Or you'll tell the truth. And he might not forgive you.

Sorry to be harsh x

OP, not judging. Deffinetly sounds like limerance. In reality tou don't know him well enough to know he is everything you ever wanted but never found. You really don't. That comes with knowing someone upclose for a long time. For all you know he is secretly an abuser, or a highly functioning alcoholic. Not saying he is, just that really you can't know who he is enough to have true feelings for him the feelings you have are based on a image of him you have build in your mind. And really if he was that close and wonderful to his wife, he wouldn't be dangling you about. Like other posters, I think you need to cut it off and give yourself time. As cliche as it sounds, time does solve things like this.

@TheLittleDogLaughed he’s been married 25yrs and not cheated?! Lolz. Would he really tell you if he had? Aside from the fact that that is generally the point of marriage and he is by most people’s standards, cheating now with you.

@TheLittleDogLaughed you keep saying ‘if he were that type of man’ every time someone mentions anything negative. He isn’t a ‘type of man’, he’s showing you his very best first-flush-of-attraction self. It isn’t real. He shits and farts and snaps at his family sometimes and tells mean jokes when he’s had a few and doesn’t always pipe up to defend people if it would mean rocking the boat too much. He’s probably got some annoying habits or boring hobbies. Maybe he gets warts on his feet or has an incredibly hairy back. Maybe he watches a lot of porn. He’s not this amazing heart throb hero 24h a day

He’s a guy who’s telling his wife he loves her and is texting someone else. He’s no prize

This ^

I think the fact you’ve said he’s humouring you and that it’s driven by you should make you feel embarrassed enough to cut contact.

I can take the harsh responses. I probably might have said similar things to someone myself before this.

I’m very aware of underlying issues in me (and probably him) that have led to this. I think I will work on those as the first point.

Dh is a good man. He is in his late 60s and after a long marriage with 3 grown up kids he wanted a partner for living with, cooking, travel, socialising, having his kids to stay, support with them etc. Also intellectual stimulation - movies, books, politics, someone with a brain. He did not want / cannot do romance. I needed some financial support - being a single mum and working with NO support from dd’s father ever exhausted me. I didn’t have time for romance for years. Marrying DH seemed sensible. We respect each other. Honestly I don’t think he would particularly care if I spent time with another man but he wouldn’t want me to leave him. He’s hinted I should “have fun” when I’m away at conferences etc. I haven’t,

The other guy - I know virtually nothing about his home life. We have never got into discussing it. But I know it’s not like mine.

It is painfully obvious to me from your posts that this is projection

You are in an unhappy, empty marriage with no sex or affection. You are desperate for some emotional connection and you think this guy is giving you that. I guarantee you he is not some unique special person. Your brain is projecting all your fantasies onto him.

How do I know he is not some wonderful, perfect guy without meeting him? I know because he is messaging you and flirting with you behind his wife's back. He's loving the ego boost and teeing you up for a conference shag. You know he will not leave his wife, you know that's the maximum you'll get from him. Imagine how shit and used you'll feel when he gets it and then he blocks you.

Stop this now for your own sake before you get really hurt. Reclaim some self respect. You deserve better than this cheater and you deserve better than the marriage of convenience you entered into for your child.

tell him you can't do it anymore and them block him. It will hurt at first but it will fade
Have a think about why you got together with DH. Do you love him? Whilst your head is elsewhere you will never save your marriage. Do you even want to?
Sit down with your DH and tell him how you feel. Go to counselling together.
If your marriage is over then end it and find another, single, not terribly attractive geeky guy if that's your cup of tea. It would not be hard to do.

And yes, I feel shit about his wife. That’s my main reason for wanting to get out of this.

It seems like you want romance and not just sex.

Do you still enjoy travel and cooking and intellectual stuff with DH? Do you still do those things together or do you just cohabit? Does he make you feel valued and attractive?

If that's your deal with DH and he really wouldn't mind then talk to him and agree it. Then look for a man to give you those things you are missing.

But choose a single man.

I do want romance and not just sex. I want to feel some passion or have passion directed towards me. I’ve worked so hard for years now and I’m tired. I feel selfish for the first time really.

Hi OP,

Could you separate from / divorce DH and still be each other’s best friend? Is that an option? That way you are treating this good man kindly and being honest. You would then be free to meet a new man and hopefully have the romantic relationship you are craving but there won’t be any deception.
I think some of the advice given about the other man is good in the sense of explaining you are getting too close and you need to cut contact. That is the only way you can leave him behind and concentrate on starting again. The thought of it is hard but with time it will become easier.

@TheLittkeDogLaughed you and his wife are in the same boat, you don’t need to pity her. You’ve both got this guy telling you you’re special and then chatting to someone else on the side. He’s probably having regular sex with his wife- I doubt she’d be so keen if she knew about you and I doubt you spend much time thinking about him initiating affection with her.

WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee If I’m honest I can say I’m fond of dh, I care about him but no, I don’t enjoy time with him. I’m always trying to find excuses to do things alone or be jn a different room. I feel crap saying that but it’s true.

Pogmella I admit I feel very jealous at the thought of him having sex with her and that she is more important to him than me. This is a stupid way to feel, I’m just being honest. I have no delusions that he would leave her for me. I just try not to think about it.

I’m very aware of underlying issues in me (and probably him) that have led to this. I think I will work on those as the first point.

Good for you OP. No judgement at all towards you and hope you feel better soon. Hope you resolve you own stuff and if you want to try to make it work after doing that, that you can then do some couples work with your DH. The guide you need to get out of this current distraction is that the amazing conference guy you’re pining for Is entirely made up in your head. Don’t waste energy on him when you could be working on your own happiness.

Sorry cross posted, I don’t think my suggestion about being best friends is feasible when you feel this way. OP you should find a way to end your relationship with DH without hurting him too much. Life is too short. He might go on to meet someone else who is perfect for him and able to give him the companionship he is looking for.

'He's a lovely, caring man'

No, he's not. Get that out of your head. A caring man wouldn't do that to his wife- incessantly text another woman, meet up and arrange to meet again. That IS an affair, you have been having an affair.

He would drop you in a second, without another thought, if his wife were to discover the messages. I guarantee it

I know it sounds condescending, but you need to fill the void with something or someone else; a hobby, working on your marriage, or nurturing your female friendships. Think of what this man is/was giving you, and try to give that to yourself

Well then you know what the problem is.

1. End it with the other man. You can never and will never be with him so quit that fantasy right now.

1. End it with DH. Stay friends but stop pretending it's a relationship.

1. Look for another man who will love you.

This infatuation is not about him it's about you. It's your subconscious telling you what you want and need. It's not wrong for you to get that but it would be wrong for that to ruin another family.

@TheLittleDogLaughed maybe you should think about it though, and get angry. He’s being incredibly selfish and hurting both of you purely to enjoy the flattery. His wife will feel horrifically used if she finds out and he doesn’t need to answer to you and doesn’t respect you (or her) enough to cut contact so you don’t get hurt.

Honestly, the wording you have planned to break it off reads much more like you are hoping he'll not let you, that he'll tell you he wants you etc. You need to be honest with yourself there.

Either you leave your relationship, or block him. You don't need to tell him you're blocking him, just walk away.