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Original poster

Men driving their female partners car when both travel in it

533 replies

HelenUrth · 11/06/2020 17:57

On my road there are two couples where both the man and woman have their own car, but if they both go out in the woman's car, the man always drives it, also the woman never drives the man's car. One couple is 50s, the other 60s. Does anyone here do the same and would you mind sharing why?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 12/06/2020 09:42

If we go out in my car DH will say he will drive if I want. I usually do.

Love51 · 12/06/2020 09:46

It is control. Who doesn't mind giving up control to their partner. If one can't drive then obviously no issue. If one partner is so bad at giving up control that they back seat drive, they become so annoying they get to drive. And, other things being equal (ie both got a licence, raised in a country that drives on that side of the road, medical stuff, normal lifestyle) then 95% of the time it is the woman who gives up control and the man who drives.
Including me. I'd rather let him drive that go through the stress of driving him. He says it isn't a sex or gender thing, he hates being driven by anyone, his mates, our dads, etc. But it is, because he's married to me, and I'm a woman. I don't get to decide I won't be driven (he was the only driver when we got together, and we still only have one car. Mine for work, his for joint trips).

LycraLovingLass · 12/06/2020 09:47

We do this. He has been driving 20 years to my 2. He is more confident and he enjoys driving, I dont like driving with his as a passenger as I feel like he is judging me.

I am happy to drive either of our cars alone though.

sunlight81 · 12/06/2020 09:48

DH gets travel sickness in the passenger seat. If he drives he doesn't feel ill.

I prefer to be a passenger - win win Smile

2007Millie · 12/06/2020 09:49

This is brilliant.

People trying to find meanings of control etc.

My husband enjoys driving more than me. It's really quite simple.

No control, nothing engrained in him through toy cars etc.

2007Millie · 12/06/2020 09:50

@Love51

Your partner sounds like a knob.

Snowdown24 · 12/06/2020 09:52

That’s what we do, I drive when I have too, but if he is with us/me, why would I drive when I don’t have too? His happy to do it, and I would rather not, I don’t find driving fun, his never complained so I guess he don’t mind it. If he said from now on its 50/50 I would suck it up and do it, but I’m not going to volunteer myself for no reason 😂

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 12/06/2020 09:53

My husband usually drives when we are together - I will reluctantly admit he’s probably the better driver but he’s also a really annoying passenger and I can’t be arsed to fall out over driving anymore (as I don’t respond well to driving criticism I have learned!). I don’t think it’s some feminist issue that is worthy of discussion however !

formerbabe · 12/06/2020 09:54

Wow @2007Millie. Are you and your dh immune to the world around you? Amazing...everyone else is very much influenced by the society they live in..well done for resisting that!

2007Millie · 12/06/2020 09:57

@formerbabe

Absolutely not. However some people clearly very much like to over think situations.

My DH often drives, but it's nothing to do with control or ulterior motives

RhianFuckingMorris · 12/06/2020 09:57

I drive so much for my job etc that when I don't have to drive I'm loving it!

formerbabe · 12/06/2020 09:59

No one suggested ulterior motives...I wouldn't even says it's a conscious thing. It's the socialization and subconscious idea that men are the head of the household and in control and should be the ones to operate the big dangerous machines while the little woman sits in the passenger seat.

BlingLoving · 12/06/2020 10:05

Strange how societal expectations have had no effect on anyone at all......

And weird there are so many men who are much safer drivers, get car sick in the passenger seat, can’t fit in the passenger seat etc......but are ok to be driven when they’ve had a beer. Didn’t know alcohol shrinks you, resolves car sickness and transforms your female partner into a better driver.

Also weird that there's so much defensiveness when it's pointed out.

Bit like the women name change thing. I'm always surprised at how many women changed their name to their DH's because their name wasn't as nice as his.

The fact that we've been socialised this way is not a criticism. It's just a fact. Being aware of that is, in my opinion, worth while.

CaptainMyCaptain · 12/06/2020 10:12

I passed my test in 1976 when most women still didn't drive. My dad encouraged me to have lessons as soon as I was 17 (I didn't pass my test until a few years later for various reasons). I spent many years driving men around and many years driving myself and my daughter up and down motorways (single parent). She passed her test at 17 and is a confident driver. I didn't suddenly give in to conditioning and sexism in my 50s. Oh, and I had toy cars (and Lego and Meccano) as a child and my Dad taught me to change a wheel and do other minor mechanical things in my teens although I'd rather pay for a break down service now.

FourPlasticRings · 12/06/2020 10:12

Strange how societal expectations have had no effect on anyone at all......

I just don't think you can ascribe every choice a woman makes to how she's been 'conditioned''. My sister was brought up very similarly to me, in the same house by the same parents, attending the same schools, just 18 months later than I did. She prefers to drive. Now, is that a legitimate choice on her part or is that just that she must have had different experiences and somehow not been socialised the same way? Can women make choices or are we all helpless slaves to circumstance?

PhoneLock · 12/06/2020 10:12

Amazing...everyone else is very much influenced by the society they live in..well done for resisting that!

It seems pretty pointless to resist something that results in you not having to do something you would rather not.

Cutting off your nose to spite your face springs to mind.

2007Millie · 12/06/2020 10:13

I just don't think you can ascribe every choice a woman makes to how she's been 'conditioned'

Exactly this. My husband drives because he prefers it over me. No deeper thinking required.

MerryDeath · 12/06/2020 10:16

this is us. i just don't care. i pick my battles with DH.

formerbabe · 12/06/2020 10:17

No deeper thinking required

Clearly

formerbabe · 12/06/2020 10:19

this is us. i just don't care. i pick my battles with DH

Yikes

2007Millie · 12/06/2020 10:20

@formerbabe

You seem to be intent on making this a big thing for me when it really isn't so I'll leave you be to continue arguing with yourself.
Not everyone wishes to over complicate things that really are very simple.

formerbabe · 12/06/2020 10:24

If it was an even split...it would be personal preference. When it's overwhelmingly skewed one way...its more than that. Not just on this thread either. Drive round and look at the people sitting in the car next to you...if it's a couple, it's invariably the man driving. Thinking about my friends and family, it's always the man too. It's not necessarily a criticism..it's an interesting phenomenon. It doesn't come out of nowhere.

formerbabe · 12/06/2020 10:25

Why are more mechanics men than women? Why are the majority of caring jobs done by women? It's a continuum.

MustStopSnacking28 · 12/06/2020 10:27

My DH drives most of the time because I prefer being a passenger and entertaining the toddler. But I think I am a better driver! He is better at parking though. It’s just habit for us, no particular reason behind it really.

AliasGrape · 12/06/2020 10:31

Probably it is conditioning why I’m not a huge fan of driving and can get anxious about it. Although I went through a time when I was cripplingly anxious about everything so the fact that that encompassed driving was no great surprise. It predates meeting my husband and if anything I’ve actually got more confident and less stressed about driving since I’ve been with him. The fact that I will drive his car at all, when previously I wouldn’t be happy in anything but my own, and the fact he always puts me in the hire agreement and encourages me to have a go when we’re abroad - where previously I just wouldn’t have entertained the idea of even hiring a car and wouldn’t have planned any kind of holiday that involved it, have definitely helped. (I lived in the states for just over a year, had to take a new driving test for that state and although I had access to a car I only ever drove a handful of times the entire time I was there).

So yeah, maybe it is pretty telling that it’s women on the whole who are less keen to drive or more happy to be driven but there we are - I DON’T enjoy it and I AM happier to be driven so there we are. I don’t see why I should suddenly start insisting to reassert my feminist credentials- I have to drive a fair bit anyway, not like I’ve given it up completely, and nothing else in our relationship makes me worry about power imbalance - so I’d rather just be driven when I get the chance.

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