My DH is on a work Zoom, and OMG the 'jargon'

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

Scrum teams
Scrum master
Scrum of scrums
Cadence
Enterprise level agile
Continuous integration pipeline
We can drill into that later
Operate at scale
I'll drive on and we can circle back
Acceptance test driven development
Decomposition of requirements
Just to land that point on the ground
Chain of tools

That's just the last three minutes. Safe to say I have no clue what's going on there.

Omg that’s awful. This is how I’d imagine Dominic Cummings to talk. He sounds intelligent. But it’s just a bunch of words, which make you sound like a tosser.

I take it your dh is paid well op.

As someone upthread said, you need to check out Bob Mortimer's Train Guy tweets. He makes as much sense of some of the stuff posted on here.

He is working at home at the moment in his Inspiration Isolation Station.

Do you lose respect for people that trot out the latest words. The one that seems to be popular in my work is wrangling/wrangle. Eye roll when that one is said over and over again.

"I'm looking at the WENUS report."

I took early retirement when granularity became a much used word.

I also remember being part of a large influx of new graduates (about 20) as part of a recruitment drive into my first "proper" job after university. At some point, the boss had us all in for a meeting about an opportunity that had arisen - and he'd only recently become the manager, after being just a small division leader, so clearly he'd swallowed the "How to Speak Like A Manager" handbook.

He kept going on about us "not killing the goose that lays the golden eggs" and "blue sky thinking" and "thinking outside the box" etc. until half of us had really bad "assembly giggles", where you try not to but your sides are cracking just trying to hold them in. My ribs hurt for a couple of days after!

I had to stop my partner saying "I'm just going to jump on a call..."

When he came in for his lunch I asked if he was going to "jump on a sandwich". Apparently that's not a thing. Nor is jumping on a call.

That sounds like a bunch of blokes with nothing to really say
having a mass willy waggle

Running all of the talk of scrums up the flagpole, I presume he must work in retail and be making plans for when the fun shops all open again.

I'm not 100% confident of this, but's it's MY macro and that's how I'M parking it.

This is hilarious! OP you need to make a bingo card of the ones you heard and turn it into a drinking game next time he has a call. Just be careful not to die, because I guess they will say them all again.

He's using agile methodology so is in some kind of project management/BA/SDM field.
Quite a good area to be in right now

Doesn't a black swan event actually mean something that comes along to prove that everything you believed is utter bollocks because you can't know everything?

We did those in A Level Sociology - 'All Swans are White. Go to the Antipodes and murder the locals to take over. Oh look, there are black swans here. Seems like our paradigm needs to shift'.

Half those terms are useful jargon, which means nothing to you but does have a very specific defined meaning within the field in question (scrums, agile, cadence).
Half are management speak for things which have an everyday meaning “drive on and circle back”, “drive that point into the ground” but tbf in a lot of cases they’ve become popular because they’re vivid ways of expressing a situation which occurs quite often.
The ones which are genuinely egregious are the ones which are used as general “managementese” padding with no specific meaning to either speaker or listener, or the ones which are simply mealy mouthed euphemisms.

I’m spending a lot of time on Zoom calls in the kitchen and a good 50% of my vocabulary involves terms (mostly TLAs) which mean absolutely nothing to DH but that’s fine, because I’m not trying to explain them to him, and they do all have specific meaning. My most annoying habit is a tendency for my rather RP accent to drift Estuarine and develop glottal stops when talking to Essex colleagues, and to go for overly butch and aggressive metaphors after the manner of Fry and Laurie’s eighties businessmen.

Yeah software development. How’s he’s finding scrum of scrum?

He keeps the camera off when possible so his colleagues don't see the amount of eye rolling.

Mine too (also software). He's on a call right now, everything is either an acronym or a "soundbite". Also after he changed my background so I was chairing a meeting from the CIC of the Battlestar Galactica...I returned the favour by setting his to the Hey Dugee club house so he much prefers audio only.

Biz speak bingo. Sadly there are more
Agile stand ups
Customer journey
Network Promotor Score
We need to iterate

I can’t write anymore because there is bile in my mouth

Can someone translate these terms?

More importantly, is this what the world of work holds for us? Years of learning how to use the correct word, research and study only to be replaced by what sounds very macho and like something men tell themselves when they are standing in front of the mirror practising their Robert de Niro/Taxi Driver speech.

Please tell me there are workplaces where you can, you know, just speak English. Normally, with the correct terminology.

They are playing bull shit bingo

Sounds like they use Agile project management style. But some sentences annoy me. They can be said more clearly in simple language. I mean Just to land that point on the ground! Serious? Surely there is a better English expression than that. Less cumbersome

Definitely agile project management speak in there.
DH has a habit of coming up with ridiculous phrases to drop into meetings like this to see if they are repeated by others elsewhere. He has quite a good success rate 😉

That sounds like a bunch of blokes with nothing to really say having a mass willy waggle

I think that's the size of it. It instantly makes me think of the Apprentice contestants when they're spending ages 'workshopping' to come up with ridiculous names for their newly-formed teams. It's always pretentious rubbish like 'Synergy', 'Kinetic', 'Perseverance' or 'Vanquish'. They just sound like office-based Gladiator names to me. Anybody else who actually had something of value to say would just assign themselves Team A and Team B without a moment's thought and then get on down to use their time in discussing the important stuff.

@Tootletum in our company it would most certainly be the product owners fault as all the tests are linked back to the requirements, which unless I change them by change request (and its easier to get Cummings to stay at home than do a CR), are defined at the very start of the project.

One of my favourite management games is 'which management book have they been reading now' in relation to one of the high ups in the company who is easily distracted by the latest thing he's read and issues edicts based on this. Which last until the next thing

OMG I would literally punch people in the face if they came out with this shite in a work meeting. NHS here and we can be bad, but not thaaaat bad

This is so timely as my next door neighbour has been in the garden on meeting calls all day and I am just rolling my eyes at the rubbish that's coming out of his mouth - how does anything ever get done? Or maybe some people's jobs are only to have meetings all day with zero output?

But "drilling into" is probably management bollocks meaning "have a look".

I think it is generally used for looking deeply into data - in the sense of "data mining" when you are looking at fuckloads of random seeming data to try to find the nuggets that are important.

I’m spending a lot of time on Zoom calls in the kitchen and a good 50% of my vocabulary involves terms (mostly TLAs) which mean absolutely nothing to DH but that’s fine

To be fair, that's also true of 50% of the 'extremely important' stuff that my DS urgently needs to tell me all day long.

I had a boss on two projects (contracted at once). She spoke in such convoluted ways (and we were working remotely) that nothing she said made sense. She was used to working in an American environment. I later confessed to another team member from New Zealand and she said she didn't understand her either even if she recorded conversations. In the end, we both quit the project (there were so many other problems) and she continued it with a team of Americans. Two years later I met the American lead of the replacement team and they too struggled to understand her buzz words but all being based in DC, had more face to face meetings and completed the project. So tiring