My DH is on a work Zoom, and OMG the 'jargon'

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

Scrum teams
Scrum master
Scrum of scrums
Cadence
Enterprise level agile
Continuous integration pipeline
We can drill into that later
Operate at scale
I'll drive on and we can circle back
Acceptance test driven development
Decomposition of requirements
Just to land that point on the ground
Chain of tools

That's just the last three minutes. Safe to say I have no clue what's going on there.

Oh is he on a Zoom with my DH then? :D Software development.

He keeps the camera off when possible so his colleagues don't see the amount of eye rolling.

Not RTFT yet but pissed myself at Chain of Tools

Ironically DH works in software development and uses hardly any of those day to day (except the agile related ones). I work in Change Management/Learning/HR and would use them all. And then some.

Ha. Yes that is all very familiar. My husband won't take work calls in front of my now OP. He starts laughing at himself.

I worked with a colleague who DESPISED this sort of speech. They wrote this to me in an email a few yesrs ago and now seems like a good time to share it

"Good idea. We need to have our ducks in a row...be singing from the same hymn sheet...take the helicopter view...then drill down into the granularity and pick the lo-hanging fruit. Failure to plan will be planning to fail. On Tuesday, when the rubber hits the road...and we step up to the plate...we’ll fluff it and fly it...bricks to clicks. No point having the sausage without the sizzle. I never make predictions (and I never will) but when push comes to shove and it’s time to put boots on the ground...we’ll have our game-face on. Quality will be hardwired as we re-energise the brand. ‘Collaboration’ will be our watchword...as we get our retaliation in first.

Today is only yesterday’s tomorrow."

me

Pretty sure your DH was on the same call as me just now.

My husband is a structural engineer and I now know he talks about ‘slabs’ a LOT

And erections too.

Tell him he has to come now, there's a dead cat bouncing in the garden and you managed to grab the falling knife.

Sounds a lot like our house... except add beer chat and competitive friday themes (don't ask, just image all of the above just in fancy dress).

Do people really do work audio/video conferences without using headphones?

That's what I do all day. I'm currently running testing on a supposedly Agile project, in which our vendor supposedly delivers working software every two weeks in a "Sprint", using two scrum teams. In reality, nothing works, although since the analysts didn't document how it was supposed to work, nobody is quite sure how badly it doesn't work. The analysts are claiming it doesn't work because it's not as fast as they expected, but they defined those expectations two weeks ago - 3 years after they started. And it's all soon going to be my fault, because it's always the tester's fault.

Virtual drinks gatherings and themed after work on Fridays here too RedToothBrush. Plus the company is walking/running 10,000 km for charity this weekend.

Back in the 1990s there was a show called Drop the Dead Donkey - about a TV news room - and the chief, Gus, was always coming out with this sort of bollocks.

Here are some of them:
Let's keep kneecapping the opposition.

We've got to downsize our sloppiness overload.

Could we interlock brain spaces in my work area?

Well, butt-kickers, what's cooking?

Coach, if I could input into your mental mainframe for a moment...

Morning talent base. Are the afterburners on full thrust? You bet.

Yes, well, publicity-wise this is a rather regrettable gonads-in-the-guillotine situation.

Are we nuking the opposition news busters? Terrific.

Morning, mountaineers. Climbing the north face of newsmaking again are we? Terrific.

Let's operate a zipped-lip scenario on this one.

George, can we pool our brainspaces in a centre of excellence?

Anyway, heads down, chins up, chests out, terrific, well played team.

Quality stress dissipation opportunities here.

Is Mr. Newshound in his kennel? You bet

Now obviously these are mostly news-related, but maybe your DH could adapt them and drop them into his next Zoom, just for the lols?

Black swan is an outlier event, made popular by options trader Nicholas Nassim Taleb circa 2007 in The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable. Taleb acknowledges the influence of the inimitable Professor Karl Popper and his thesis on falsifiability.

I shall translate:

Park those concerns for a second = Oh, do shut up.

Decomposition of requirements = We don't need that any more.

Acceptance test driven development = Stick it out there, and if nobody complains, then it must be working ok.

Revolution starters = We need to be seen to be doing something, no matter how ridiculous.

He might be on to my DP 😳🤔😁
He is a scrum master. Likes rugby too but apparently this is different 🤷🏼‍♀️

collective noun for a group of twats.

Twitter

Just all management bs to control those trying to actually do the work

LTB.

Blimey I'd need an interpreter for most of that!

@FinallyHere

Do people really do work audio/video conferences without using headphones?

I bought him some headphones at the start, but one of the DC stole them to play Fortnite on the Xbox. To be fair to DH, this is his study and I just happen to be sitting in here, if he was having to work in a shared room like the kitchen he would make more effort to keep the noise down.

My favourite one ever was a manager who said "I don't want to be the condom on the prick of progress".

Is he on Zoom with my DH OP? Sounds a lot like the stuff him and his team come up with (he doesn't talk like that at home, I wouldn't be with him if he did!).

What's a Chain of Tools?

Isn't that a song by The Commitments?