Your worst ever colleague

[CrimsonCattery]

Just a bit of fun. All my current colleagues rate from amazing to only mildly irritating but in the past have worked with some right wankers.

The worst one was a couple of years ago. Civil service open plan office. Friendly team. One man was the same grade as me and started at a similar time never spoke to me which was fine if a little odd as we were all learning the work. We had the same mentor who was a lovely older woman eho had been doing our job for years. Our boss was also female.

Mentor told me he was completely blanking her and would only go to the men in our team for advice. He refused to take any direction from women and would default to our boss' male counterpart. We hotseated and he started kicking off if asked to sit next to someone of a lower grade (we were still relatively junior) which was bizarre as no one else cared about seniority like that. The men in our team also hated him and he narrowly escaped being hit at one Xmas social after a disgusting comment he made about the women in the team (they refused to share what he said). His work was also crap and he got fired for a combination of that and his terrible attitude.

We later found out from Google he had been fired from his previous job where he should have been helping people because he was unfairly finding against people he disapproved of. It was in the news as he lost an employment tribunal after he sued them.

Have also worked with milk thieves, phantom shitters and other oddballs. Its very dull where I am now in comparison!

A receptionist who was a bit unhinged but massively up the managers arse as she was an 'old friend.' She used to rummage through everyone's handbags in the back room and steal food and money. Everyone working there knew but no one did anything about it, really weird place.

When I was a naive 17 year old I worked Saturdays in a shop whilst at college. The two other women who worked there were friends and started out seeming friendly enough but slowly started a bullying campaign against me. They'd put the clocks forward to say I was late to work, try to get me to memorise the price of everything in the shop which they couldn't do themselves and wasn't necessary, then they'd 'test' me on it and make a big thing of how incompetent and stupid I was. I eventually walked out and never went back. They must've been in their late 30s/early 40s so absolutely pathetic and I hope it made them feel really big and happy.

I worked with a man who was found to be abusing the elderly people in his care. He was jailed.
I worked with a woman (we were both mid 2O's) who tried her hardest to steal my dp off me. It was the beginning of a relationship (still together 2 DC) and she found his phone number and was trying to get him to go on a date and sending flirty messages. She had no idea I knew.
She was also married.
Oh, how we laughed

One who spent November and December ignoring everyone (5 in the room) so as they had done this before we just hyped up our enthusiasm for the work.. Brilliant.

A guy whose feet stank of vinegar. Absolutely vile. Another guy who must not have let his washing dry as his clothes always smelt musty. He would spray so much Tommy Hilfiger aftershave I wasn't sure what was worse.

I worked with the most annoying human being on the face of the earth. He was disgusting and never washed. He would regularly come to work with pyjama trousers underneath his jeans. He would regularly put his hands down his trousers and and then sniff them (god I wish I was joking). He had long nails on one hand (his excuse for this was that he was a guitarist...🤨) and the nails were honestly brown and pointed and gross like witches nails. He would regularly tap these on his teeth while taking calls. He had gross scabby skin that would flake everywhere and he delighted in scratching at it wherever he went. He called a pregnant lady on team fat. More than once. He shit himself in work and announced this then waddled to the toilet. My manager told him ‘it’s ok if you want to go home and wash and change and come back if you want’. He refused and said he was fine. He had literally just crapped his pants!! He was incredibly patronising and started every sentence with ‘you’ve not done anything wrong’ or ‘it’s not your fault’. I know it’s not you moron, I’ve been in this job longer than you have! He was rude to other staff members and to customers and genuinely used the phrase ‘oh smeg’ when he made mistakes (permanently). He managed to delete a senior managers home drive on their pc. This is only the stuff I can remember off the top of my head. He was the worst individual I have ever had the misfortune to meet. He was later sacked for being utterly offensive to the head of department and then tried to go for constructive dismissal!

Another was a guy in Procurement who when I ordered 10 mobiles stole the free laptops that came with them as part of a deal. I knew nothing about the laptops until I was pulled into a very official looking meeting where I was questioned repeatedly about where I had put the laptops. The guy got 3 years in prison for that and other fraud offences.

A young lady fresh out of nowhere who thought she could rearrange our desks because she liked where I sat. She literally went through all my personal stuff and all my work and physically moved it all. Then when I complained she asked ‘is this because I’m younger than you?’ No love, it’s because you’re an ignorant piss taking little cow. There was other underhand stuff too. I don’t know why she was so determined to get a rise out of me. I was glad to leave. They made me redundant while I was away getting married. Nasty bastards. I think the girl fluttered her eyelids at the boss and basically lied about me. I had the last laugh, the company folded not long after. She was out of a job while I’d found somewhere much nicer.

I've had a few nc just in case .
Years ago I used to work for a big utility company .

There was so many that didn't work much but a few that would often take 6 months sick leave come back for 6 months and repeat . The sickness procedure was 1 occasion of sick in 6 months with 6 months Max so would come back after 6 months and no disciplinary.
The colleague who was homophobic would have a bad memory and like to try and get me in trouble bitch !.
The colleague who smelt so bad I'm sure he never washed , his nails were filthy and wore the same shirt every day for at least 2 weeks.
Oh I had 1 job lasted 3 weeks , someone more senior to me shouted at me one day because shock horror I disagreed with him . I actually burst into tears then left and never went back . Now I'd tell him to fuck off but I was only about 20.
I'm sure I have more .

The one who always, every single day, ate one of my sandwiches. I ended up buying a petty cash tin with a lock and putting my sandwiches in there in the fridge. Never took anyone else's, only mine! Never found out who it was. Maybe they felt I needed to lose a few pounds.

And one who was just fucking horrible to absolutely everyone.

My ex boss who was a lecherous old perve. He would turn most conversations into something sexual. One time I pulled a muscle after running a half marathon and his response to me limping was: “vigorous sex sesh was it?” Or another time when he messaged me and said: ‘Stressful week. I could do with an release if you know what I mean ;-)’ He’d always ask why I was single and once said: ‘if I wasn’t married, I’d be out there shagging around like no one’s business.’ Doubt it mate, you’re a balding midget with halitosis.

I built a case against him and went to HR. Turns out I was one of eight other women who’d made a formal complaint about him and he was sacked. The sight of him being escorted off the premises with a box of his belongings was one of the best days of my working life.

We had a Facilities Manager who annoyed the fuck out of me just by being a typical entitled male. He also sniffed constantly. He also had a habit of undoing his zip on his way to the toilet. A colleague caught him looking at porn and he was brought before a meeting and fired. I was admin staff at the time (ie not remotely senior) and the boss sent the report and minutes to my printer. I’m sure he did it deliberately to reassure the predominantly female staff that they were getting rid.

I was 18 years old, just a few months after my A levels. I was working in a GP surgery, some colleagues took real delight in how naive and "babyish" I was.

One woman was the ringleader. She taped a photo of 2 men fellating each other on the back of some paperwork so when I turned it over, I gasped and went red. She must have been in her 50s - older than my mum - and took great delight in laughing her head off, calling to the other administrators that "Look, DCI has gone bright red!" They all laughed too. They said I needed to lighten up and that I was up myself for not finding it funny. Obviously it was women who did it but looking back now I'm so angry. It feels a lot like it was sexual harrassment.

The very worst was a guy who repeatedly vandalised HGVs and cars at the firm he worked for. I was doing night agency work there, and he liked to smear grease in cabs I'd driven. Not much, just enough to try to get me banned. That was mild: he would cut load straps, pull fifth wheel pins and remove brake light bulbs. He was caught eventually, and has never held a job since.

3 real arseholes come to mind:

1. Female colleague 'Kim' who pretended to be lovely and friendly but took the piss as soon as someone turned their back. Kim wore false nails/false tan/v high heels etc. Her 'friend' 'Pam' was more of a flat shoes and no make up type of person. On one occasion Kim persuaded Pam to let her help choose an outfit for the staff Xmas party. She spent weeks telling Pam how amazing she was going to look then whispering to everyone else that she would look like a man in drag and basically trying to set everyone up to laugh at her on the night. Thankfully a real friend spoke to Pam (who said she had no intention of wearing what Kim had 'made' her buy). She did similar things to others.
2. Male boss who over-promised to his bosses and customers all the time- then expected the rest of the team to work unpaid overtime to fulfil his promises. He also blamed everyone else if mistakes were made, even if he had ignored warnings that it might happen. Eg. he once refused to listen to what I told him about an issue that I actually had a lot more experience of than him (eventually pulling rank and telling me not to question his judgement). When the problem I had warned about happened, it was apparently my fault for not being more persuasive in my warnings.
3. Female boss who thought that anything was possible if she shouted loudly enough. I once saw her tear strips off a junior colleague for not being able to an immediate answer from someone we were working with in another country- despite the fact that a) it was about 3am in that country b) the person there had no idea that we would be contacting them and was only really working with us as a favour and c) it was a national holiday in that country (so the equivalent of expecting someone to be in the office on xmas day).

The boss who wouldn't let me work from home at all when I had horrendous morning sickness (I couldn't keep water down sometimes). The 2 bus journey was grim as you can imagine. She then marked me as the lowest grade possible on my appraisal as weirdly enough, all the throwing up hampered my ability to work somewhat...

When she got pregnant and was unwell, she worked at home for weeks.

@CrimsonCattery What is a phantom shitter? Intrigued.

Bullying boss who made almost the whole office depressed / suicidal. One woman actually had a late stage miscarriage. He called me on my wedding day to demand I go into the office to fix a systems failure and gave me a final warning for failing to comply (‘gross misconduct’). We were all made redundant five months later, but my wedding day tears weren’t of happiness.

Bullying boss who choose a new victim every month or so. One staff member did actually commit suicide. The boss was sent on a ‘effective communication and inter personal relationships’ soft skills course.

Civil service role; myself and another started the same day. She spent the next three years saying that every task was boring and she was more management material and that myself and another colleague should do the actual work. When we flagged it, she complained we were bullies.

Best one was 10 years ago a junior colleague who didn’t like reporting to a woman (me). All telephone calls were recorded and spot checked. He was caught in a call audit telling a client that he was my boss and that he’d have me fired along with other derogatory comments. HR gave him a warning and he had to write an apology. Shortly after I was reported to the Home Office as an illegal worker. I have EU citizenship. I later heard he’d been deported back to Nigeria after being picked up in TFL Home Office check.

In my previous job I worked with a lady who liked to make everyone's life hell, all day every day was spent walking on egg shells because no one wanted to trigger her. She also would spend a few weeks bullying one of us before turning sweet and moving onto the next victim.

Because she'd been there for so long it was her job to train us up but she'd refuse and tell us to fuck off. But then she'd go behind our backs to whom ever we'd done the work for, point out how she would do it better or differently. The manager would then come round and query why we hadn't asked the bitch for assistance and the would smile sweetly yes just ask but as soon as the manager walked away she'd tell us to fuck off again. Nothing was ever good enough amd you where constantly made to feel stupid or like garbage.

Our office was floor to ceiling glass so in the summer it was like a greenhouse, she forbid us all from opening our windows and if we dared open one she'd march over and slam them shut and stand over us screaming. She was the only one allowed a fan, other people's fans annoyed her so where not allowed. A colleague fainted twice due to the heat.

It was a four person team we where all the same grade and in the 18 months I was there 9 other people joined then quit because of her, which made her angrier as more work would be split between us until the replacement was hired.

She also brought up at a staff meeting that she felt I drank too much water and I should bring some in from home in the morning, then travel back home to refil my bottle at lunch time then come back, thankfully they told her no on this occasion.

Management knew and if you brought her behaviour up they'd just say that's how she is just try your best not to set her off.

I work with someone who looks at ladies in underwear on his computer and then disappears to the toilet for long periods of time.

An ex- army officer was bought into manage the region. He was actually ok at his job, but said some really mysoginistic things and delegated EVERYTHING.

Prize comments include:

• 'I agreed to have a another baby with my wife, but only on the understanding that she did everything. I'm not changing any nappies.'
• 'Pregnant women just aren't attractive from the waist down are they?' (to a pregnant woman)
• 'If I were a animal I'd be a T-Rex, top of the food chain' (to be fair, I though a dinosaur with a pea for a brain was appropriate, but I very much doubt he hit on the creature through any self reflection).

Not mine but still bad:

The manager put CCTV cameras all over the office and whenever colleagues started talking (ALL 30+ y/olds) he would come out of his office and tell them off and threaten to fire them, that is if he wasnt drunk or sleeping by midday

@CrazyToast Phantom shitters are those who act in ridiculously disgusting ways in the work/public loos. See this thread

I never saw any of it thankfully but we would get frequent emails varying from polite to passive aggressive to downright angry about the state of the loos. It was the mens on another floor and the gossip I heard was someone had been shitting on the floor, leaving questionable stains on the walls and once kicking the outflow pipe from the loo until it broke and flooded.

Thankfully I've never worked with anyone totally unclean or shitting everywhere but as a trainee lawyer in an old fashioned partnership I did have some interesting moments.

A partner who asked if I was 'dyslexic or just fucking thick' although he was absolutely hammered most of the time so I wonder if the words were just swimming about the page. He used to drive home drunk, and it was a 90 minute drive to the middle of nowhere.

Another partner used me like a wife, getting me to drive him around and pick him up, collect his dry cleaning and golf clubs, that sort of thing. He even sent me to the 02 shop to buy his elderly parent a mobile phone and write user-friendly instructions.

I used to pour drinks and make tea, photocopy for hours, take deliveries in taxis and do viewings for properties one day and appear in court with absolutely zero preparation the next day, then get a complete bollocking if it didn't go our way. Fun times.

My current workplace has one difficult manager in it, she doesn't believe in giving praise and it's very much her way or the highway. She was undermining and belittling and blocked my attempts to progress. We clashed from day one and looking back she badly destroyed my confidence and set me on path to self-destruct. Mercifully I work in a different area now but the effects of her words and actions still run deep.