Does anyone's dp not cook at all?!

[milkey]

Dp never ever cooks. At. All.

I hate cooking. I hate having the headache of planning what to cook every single day.

It drives me mad! And I will be teaching my ds how to cook as I don't want him being like this with his dp!

I envy all these mumsnetters who share the cooking. Most of my friends dps don't cook either! Where have you all found these men?!

He does all the DIY though" - Yeah not 3 times a fucking day

"He takes the bins out" - Whoopee, once a week or once a fortnight? hmm

This is how I feel. I married a guy who couldn’t cook to save himself, obviously I told him he was a competent adult without any disabilities and he could learn to cook and he’d better learn quickly. This had to be followed up with ‘no throwing food together so it tastes shit but is edible is not cooking. You need to start with recipes, here are a couple, and once you are good at those you get better at throwing things together like I do.And also, if you get takeaway all your cooking nights you leave me 100% responsible for providing us with healthy food, that’s not a partnership and I’m not in.
I came very close to just cooking for me a few times, but over 10 years later he’s a great cook and gets up on a Sunday and puts together a bolognese or stew or Thai curry to get us through the week.
If you accept incompetence and just pick up the slack you will get incompetence, and a lot of extra work for you. Which makes it harder for you to have the same amount of free time or to be as successful in your career.

If it's driving you mad you need to talk about it. I rarely cook even though Im perfectly capable and don't mind it at all. My DH loves it and does 95%. I really appreciate not having the mental load of thinking about it and having to do the associated shopping, which he takes care of. Therefore I do other tasks, like the clothes washing. Kids do dusting/vacuuming, no one irons clothes, and generally we operate on a self sufficiency basis. I'm not a domestic goddess...

It's fine for 1 person to do all of one task, but only if it's balanced overall and everyone'sin agreement. If it's not it needs renegotiating. Any adult capable of reading, following simple instructions and holding down a job can cook.

My current DH does cook sometimes, and sometimes we just forage for ourselves.

My previous DH had agreed with me as a SAHM that I would choose and cook and he would earn the money, say thanks and eat whatever I served. I then made a three-week rolling menu plan and just followed that, shopped for whatever was on the plan and it was sooooo much easier! No, "Oh, we can't have chicken because DH had chicken yesterday when we were making our own" etc.

Mine doesn't. Well not very often and it's a limited repertoire But I really enjoy cooking so that's fine. He's a very efficient clearer-upper though. I am a very messy cook.

I told him he had to learn before dc came along. I told. I’m he needed at least 6 dishes plus stapes such as eggs. He can cook those things very well and does the Xmas dinner every year.

All these people whose husbands/partners can't cook or you had to train to cook. How did they stay alive before they met you?

He would cook in the sense that he would put something in the oven or boil some pasta but he would never make anything elaborate or that needed various herbs, spices, chopping, different cooking methods etc...he is just not interested.

Mine doesn’t really cook unless he has to (which he never does while I’m working from home) but he does everything else. I don’t think I’ve put a wash on at all since we moved to this house two years ago.

I hope those you who have ‘wouldn’t cook/can’t cook’ DH’s, aren’t going to let their DS’s turn out the same. Your future Dil won’t thank you!

I have one DD who cooks well and another who has not been interested. Her boyfriend is though and together they cook. They are both very busy so it works for them.

However I think this thread shows that jobs can be shared around. Cooking is one skill in a household. It’s not the only one. As I am now in my 60s, I do realise there are a number of jobs that DH does around the house and garden that I would have to pay for if he wasn’t here. It’s a partnership and, much as it might be better if he cooked, I guess he might think it would be better if I learnt how to look after the pool or do some car maintenance!

Mine doesn't cook. He refuses to learn to cook. He wants nothing to do with it. He makes this one thing (a salad which is so delicious but no cooking involved, just putting 3 or 4 things on a plate) and he does that maybe twice a year. But he's never made a proper meal. He says that if I wasn't around he would just order takeaways or eat snacky stuff.

He's never had to fend for himself so he's never needed to learn to cook as far as he's concerned. I'd love a meal cooked for me but after 19 years I've given up the hope of it ever happening!

Mine only cooks occasionally and can only do 4 things, mac n cheese, mince and tatties and breadcrumbed fish or fish with cheese sauce

That's all he can cook so it's only occasionally he does it.

timeisnotaline

I married a guy who couldn’t cook to save himself, obviously I told him he was a competent adult without any disabilities and he could learn to cook and he’d better learn quickly. This had to be followed up with ‘no throwing food together so it tastes shit but is edible is not cooking. You need to start with recipes, here are a couple, and once you are good at those you get better at throwing things together like I do.And also, if you get takeaway all your cooking nights you leave me 100% responsible for providing us with healthy food, that’s not a partnership and I’m not in.

That's ^^ exactly it.

And when the OP says....

I envy all these mumsnetters who share the cooking. Most of my friends dps don't cook either! Where have you all found these men?!

It's not about 'finding all these men'. It's about how you're willing to allow yourself to be treated and the sort of role model you want for your DC.

Providing decent food for yourself and for your children is a very basic human skill. If they're not onboard with doing that, why on earth would you want them as your partner, or father to your DC?

You need to start with recipes, here are a couple, and once you are good at those you get better at throwing things together like I do

Blimey...and he still married you

Why wouldn't he marry her?

She told him what she expects from him and gave him the help to do it.

Not that any able-bodied adult should need help but he obviously did. If more people set out these very basic ground rules before tying the knot, I'm sure they'd be much happier.

Wow. I can't believe that in this day and age there are men who can't or won't cook. If all the cooking was down to me I'd be seriously depressed. - surely in the early stages of dating you would have known this? Why would you choose to settle down with someone like this 🤷‍♂️

XH could cook and cook very well. What he couldnt do was meal plan, find the right pots and pans to use, clear up after himself, wash up, and do it day after day after day ad infinitum.

So he would cook on 'special occasions' (ie, when family or friends came round to tell me how lucky I was to have a man so handy around the house) and leave it all to me the rest of the time. He always said he loved cooking. Well, I love cooking, what I hate doing is having to plan, shop, buy everything, prep it, serve it and wash up after it.

Cooking is only a tiny part of the deal.

Because it seems like an incredibly condescending way to speak to someone. My dh doesn't really cook...he wouldn't starve if I didn't cook for him...he'd just eat less elaborate things. I cook for him because I want to...if I didn't want to, I wouldn't.

Blimey...and he still married you

He knows what a lucky lucky man he is

It’s not a random criticism, he watched me throw things together and thought that’s how it done, and needed explaining you need some basic competence before you can do that. Once you’ve cooked a couple stir frys you get an idea of the marinade and amounts of ginger and garlic you can just make it. What should I have done, just smiled nicely and tried to swallow some random shit? And thought this is the rest of my life? Bleugh.

I have bern treated quite well - thanks for the concern. I’ve shared DHs very considerable income. So he doesn’t cook but I’ve got amazing jewellery, houses, cars, holidays abroad (not right now) and he takes the bins out!!! I’m ok thanks. We just do what we do best. It’s worked for us.

I can't do diy or car maintenance...if my dh had handed me a screwdriver and a manual on fixing stuff and told me I needed to learn, I'd have told him to fuck off quite honestly.

And what do you mean doesn’t really cook? I would never have kids with someone who couldn’t throw together a healthy meal for them and be a parent. Doesn’t really cook is just not acceptable for my relationship. We both work, we both need to be able to housekeeping, cook and parent.

@milkey why do you cook and freeze meals for him if you're going out? Why does it bother you what he eats when you're not there?

I also think it is a class and an age thing...I find middle class, younger men are more inclined to cook.

Mine doesn't cook very often. Honestly maybe a couple of times a year. It pisses me off because I don't really like cooking. When he does cook he cooks stuff I don't like or can't eat. He likes heat and picked things both things I dislike.

It's a bit shit really. Being sick and having to fend for yourself or alternatively be given a spicy meal that you can't eat when you are feeling like arse.

I’ve shared DHs very considerable income. So he doesn’t cook but I’ve got amazing jewellery, houses, cars, holidays abroad