If you could tell your single friend why they're single...

[GetMeTheScissors]

What would you say?

Built up the courage to ask and they all said 'you're great! You'll meet someone eventually!'

Which really wasn't constructive.

Oh, Lord, someone I know has been dying for ages to tell a friend that the reason she’s still single is because she literally never shuts up. Tactful/gentle hints are water off a duck’s back (I dare say that’s because she never really listens, either) - how do you say it without sounding absolutely brutal?

You are too controlling and unable to compromise. And 'being honest with people' is not an excuse to be rude!

She just needs to relax a bit and not speak every thought that enters her head

@stellabelle- I think I’d be the same if I was single. I couldn’t compromise on my fundamental beliefs.

Because you're a self centred narcissist with impossible standards. Because you wouldn't know intimacy and genuine pleasant behaviour if it slapped you in the face. Because you're insecure and jealous.

Because you refuse to date outside the church. You're in deep denial. You're living the life other people want for you and getting angrier by the day.

OP, if your friend is telling the truth that there's nothing she can see that's wrong with you, have you tried turning it around in your own head?

My single friend would never ask as she's perfectly happy being single and is fully aware of why she is so - she has zero patience or desire to adapt or change to suit a man. Particularly as most of the men where she is are, quite frankly, not exactly paragon's of modernity and 21st century thinking.

So in your case, maybe it's not because there's anything wrong with you as such. But maybe it's because the men you are meeting are not meeting the criteria you set. Those criteria may be valid or they may be ridiculous by other people's standards, but nonetheless, it's very likely.

because she's looking in the wrong places, on the wrong free dating channels and her profile looks like she's after a hook up and casual sex, not a relationship

Because you're a self-centred alcoholic. I also suspect that you've been violent towards boyfriends, when drunk.

Have our read the aPp Bling ? The Op appears to be taking about themself not being happy single?

Oh sorry Bling it's me that needs to 're read your post apologises

I know that there are single people who long to not be single but I'd love if telling coupled up people what you thought of their choices was a thing!

Oh boy, the floodgates would open there. I look at my friends' husbands, my friends' marriages, and I envy none of them really. But, it seems normal to them.

This may be a shock to people like the OP, but (even though I do have a boyfriend but I don't see it as a life long thing) I do not envy my married friends. My life is my life and a man isn't subsidising it, my job is my job, I've prioritised it. My house is my house, I own it. My friends are my friends. Divorce can't halve my social circle.

I did used to feel inadequate because I was single but lately I just feel relieved!!

In the case of one friend, who is beautiful and talented and very clever, it is because she is so terrified of a man turning into her abusive father that her list of requirements before she will even consider a date has become so long, it is impossible for a mere human being to tick them all. She has built a huge wall between herself and any potential dates, while claiming to remain open. She needs to relax and go on a date with someone who makes her laugh.

In the case of my cousin, it's because she spends money like water, is Euro 50,000 in debt while having a minimum wage job and is now 51. It is going to take a lot for someone to want to saddle themselves with her finances and yet every time she has a relationship, she turns into a narcissistic ogre. Because of her age, most of the men she dates have had previous relationships that have produced children and she is VILE to them, believing she should be number one AT ALL TIMES with a man she has been dating for five minutes. She is exhausting.

It's because she finds most men boring.

You're so focussed on having a partner and baby it's slightly scary for your friends, let alone any potential love interests. You'd have had the wedding and baby ages ago if you behaved the way to prospective partners the way you do with friends, because you're lovely and funny and kind and interesting and absolutely gorgeous.

Other friend: because you want to be and it makes me happy to see you happy now you have decided you like life just the way you have it and don't want to compromise for a man who isn't worth it :)

Having read the whole thread, OP, I would say, just do you and change what YOU want to change. In my 20s I was a mess, a pathetic puddle of zero self esteem that used sex as a form of self harm. I hated myself and I had not trust at all in anyone who seemed interested in me. I did everything I could to repulse my DH and God bless that man, he just refused to go away. We have been married for 20 years this year and he has put up with a lot of shite. I am sure you are nowhere near as bad as me!

I'd say all my single friends are single because they want to be. None of them are miserable about being single.

Bil: Because you are a 5 and keep looking for 10s. Get to know someone based on their personality rather than their looks. Stop changing yourself to be like them e.g. vegan, on keto, suddenly into concerts etc. Just be yourself.

To my friend: it’s just bad luck that you didn’t meet someone and settle down before all the good ones were taken. You’re fab and anyone would be lucky to have you.

I know that there are single people who long to not be single but I'd love if telling coupled up people what you thought of their choices was a thing

^^ definitely another thread is needed

Because you are moody and shrew-like, and expect everyone else to put their hands in their pockets except you.

The alcohol dependency and willingness to have sex on the first date doesn't help.

Christ with friends like some of you lot, who needs enemies eh?!

MarieQueenofScots
I feel some of th the responses have becomes increasingly blunt as the thread developed.

Some raise useful things for the OP to consider, for example:

• How much physical affection, regular affirmation and time would they want in a relationship? There's a continuum from living in each other's pockets (some would say very needy) through to time together but solo interests and space win (some would say too cold and distant). For a relationship to work the couple need to be on the same page and the further to either extreme someone is, the harder it is to find someone who will meet that expectation.

• What standards and expectations do you want? Someone may think they have high standards and shouldn't lower their bar, but to many that same standard is almost impossible for anyone to achieve.

• How are you approaching dating? If you're only using hookup sites, don't go out much, dislike meeting new people etc then that's going to affect the pool of people you're considering.

• Which men are you choosing? Are you choosing men primarily on looks? Are you choosing men who need saving and then finding their arse behaviour doesn't change?

• How quickly are you pushing long term plans? It's good to check you're on the same page as a potential partner, but if it's all wedding chat and babies that's potentially an issue when you're just getting to know someone.

Other replies are just mean.

Good post Lola.