If you could tell your single friend why they're single...

[GetMeTheScissors]

What would you say?

Built up the courage to ask and they all said 'you're great! You'll meet someone eventually!'

Which really wasn't constructive.

That's not what's happening here though is it. We cant give op constructive criticism as we dont know her. The fact that someone thinks their friend is controlling for instance us absolutely no help to the op. Its just an excuse for people to be quite unpleasant about their single friends.

I know lots of people with personality traits in good solid relationships that some have said on here is why they can’t keep a man

If you are attracted to someone and fall for them you accept them

The looking for a man to save her or always going out with players is different but no one should change part of their personality

Only thing I would tell a friend if they asked and I felt it was true is value yourself more.

Because you care too much about what other people think and how people look. You're desperate for someone to tell you how fit/hot/better looking then everyone else you are. Just relax and look and personality instead of whether someone is good looking enough for you.

My friend has dated arseholes her whole life, finally had (imo) a lovely guy, good job, good looking, funny, treated her lovely but he didnt give her enough compliments and didnt shower her with praise and attention constantly and she dumped him for another cheating prick. I love her to bits but she makes me want to bang my head off a wall

And there are lots and lots of men who are happy casually dating online dating makes it so easy for them

They can have that excitement of an early relationship without commitment and this suits I think far more men than women

Teeth
Smokes like a chimney.

My single friends are so beautiful but now all reaching late thirties. They want to settle down and have families but I’m worried they’ve left it too late.

I find they are too picky, only base people on looks who turn out to be so shallow. I wish they would try a different approach.

I also believe that they think relationships should be all hearts and flowers/Prince Charming etc and reality is not like that.

I also wish they could see how fantastic they are- I think they have low self esteem.

Quite a few people sound like they don't like their 'friend' at all
Or people really like their friends but can see the reasons they find dating difficult.

The OP has asked her friends for advice and got nothing so they've asked here what sort of things do others find hinders dating.

Funny how it's totally acceptable to be judge and jury on relationships when it involves slating a partner for doing a hobby once a week, but give an OP advice they're looking for precisely because their friends won't answer and there's people accusing others of being smug marrieds/not liking their single friends.

Looking back on it, the reasons I was single in my 20s are:

• I refused to date anyone who was already going out with someone else. I'd failed to realise how many people don't end one relationship unless they know the next is guaranteed. I still wouldn't change this though
• I dumped blokes quite easily. I didn't want to go out with someone just for the sake of having a boyfriend so wasn't prepared to put up with crap. Having said that, I was blind to the behaviour of a couple of boyfriends and also ditched a couple of guys when we could have worked through the, in retrospect, very minor issues. I should also have realised life was a bit less like a romcom with meaningful pauses and looks.
• I'm independent and opinionated/bossy, possibly too much so.
• I'm not very good at listening
• I was quite happy to have male friends and friend zoned a couple who would have made lovely boyfriends but who were too shy to be any more direct everyone else knew apparently and I was too oblivious.

I did end up with a lovely DH in the end.

Maybe she just prefers life as a single person Op.Some people do

@Pavlova31 Maybe who prefers single life?

Maybe she just prefers life as a single person Op.Some people do hmm
The OP is the friend so clearly isn't happy being single or she wouldn't have asked.

The OP got the courage to ask her friends why they might still be single and they said "aww don't worry we're sure you'll find someone", which isn't what they were asking.

@Lolasmiles. Have you seen some of the responses? You're weird, needy, controlling, desperate, look sloppy etc.

Yeah, great friends.

You're autistic, love. As is your lovely brother, who has managed to find someone. I wonder if you'll ever work it out by yourself. I keep hoping your psychiatrist will spot it and tell you.

You don't like men and it's obvious! Why you keep claiming to want a relationship baffles me when you can't stand men's company for even a few minutes.

But actually, I did say that to her face.

No offence meant Op
I was just referring to people trying to set you up with someone when you just prefer otherwise.

Because she likes arrogant men (her words). And arrogant men, by definition, believe they should be dating 20 year old supermodels, which, lovely as she is, does not describe her.

You are average looking and although you’re nice, your personality is not electric and you don’t have a great sense of humour. So stop getting annoyed with women who look like super models because they don’t want to date you when you won’t consider dating women who look ordinary. Also, you won’t learn to cook or make the effort to clean properly. You don’t want a partner. You want a mother figure who has sex with you. Also, screwing your nose up because someone has different interests to you is not going to help you. Lastly, you don’t deserve a partner just because you’ve been nice. That’s a baseline. You don’t get extra points for not being an arsehole.

Your co-dependant relationship with your sister is weird. Inviting her on dates is weird. Having her sit with someone you want to have a relationship with so she can tell them that you and her are soulmates and that she owns half of your house so there’s no point in gold digging, is weird. You don’t want to try anything new and unless an activity falls within your very niche set of interests, you refuse to have anything to do with it.

You’re good looking and you have a good personality. But you aren’t going to meet anyone while you’re welded to your PS and smoking weed.

You are good looking, charming, funny and really good fun to be around. You are also a liar and a cheat and you’ve never been faithful in your life. Word gets around.

You’re in your 30s but you live the life of a pensioner. I like you, but when you’re giving me step by step analysis of a game of gin rummy you had with your parents, I feel my eyes starting to glaze over. Also, on line dating is not going to work if you refuse to talk to anyone who doesn’t live within three streets of you.

You’re lovely when you open up and relax, but you’re so shy and quiet that you’re really hard work to get to know.

I’ve known you over a decade and in that time, I don’t think we’ve ever had a conversation I haven’t had to carry. I used to think that you just weren’t very interested in talking to me, but you text and call me an awful lot so now I think it’s because you just don’t understand that good conversation has to be reciprocal. You are hard work.

I genuinely don’t know. You are gorgeous. You’re funny, you’re independent. Your company is really enjoyable. You put yourself out there and have lots of first dates. I have no idea why you haven’t got a queue of men lining up outside your door begging to take you out on a second.

Because you have low self esteem and pick men who are unavailable. Because you're super needy.

I would advise them to go and have counselling specifically on this issue.

The 5 single women i know (late 30s early 40s) who want to be in relationships are all wonderful but they have underlying barriers and behaviours that make relationships really hard - either been badly hurt and can't trust anyone, or such low self esteem they don't think they deserve the nice guy, or so insecure that they create drama everywhere, or so desperate to settle down they will put up with terrible behaviour or put up massive walls so a guy has to really PROVE himself worthy...

You don't have to be perfect to be in a relationship, far from it, but you do have to be open to trying and failing or getting hurt or whatever.

I met my husband after a long string of short term shit relationships. I was in the process of counselling anyway which was helpful but talking specifically about how I behaved with a partner was eye opening and I realised I had some really off putting defensive behaviour. It was really helpful to understand how I was contributing to the demise of previous relationships.

I have a few single friends and only one wants to meet someone, but she just comes over as desperate and needy, that is so off putting. Even as a friend I find her very needy and she wants everything on her terms.

I do agree online dating is brutal but she won’t consider ‘old fashioned’ ways of meeting people like joining a club/society/hobby and just meeting a wider circle of friends that way. That’s how I met my DH, does no one do that anymore?

Because you have a horrible taste in men and you don't love yourself enough even though you are wonderful. And you are too focused on looks and money instead of personality.

I can also see very similar things in all my friends who are in relationships

Everyone has flaws including those in relationships the smugness of lots of these replies is crazy.

I agree! Surely the difference between someone in a long term relationship and someone who isn't is mainly that one has found someone who is prepared to put up with their flaws vs. someone who hasn't?

Because she always goes for someone who is too arrogant and cool and she needs to stop being so picky and swipe on a normal person. Actually give them a chance. Realise attraction doesn't have to be instant in fact instant attraction often doesn't lead to a relationship.

Also she needs to actually start doing things to meet people.