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Original poster

If you could tell your single friend why they're single...

182 replies

GetMeTheScissors · 22/04/2020 21:22

What would you say?

Built up the courage to ask and they all said 'you're great! You'll meet someone eventually!'

Which really wasn't constructive.

OP posts:
Squoon · 23/04/2020 08:22

"You are protecting yourself from being treated like crap by becoming the unreasonable one in a relationship"

She's had a tough time with a couple of exes and she's decided not to take any bullshit. Rightly so, but she picks a fight over everything and won't compromise. Her last boyfriend seemed lovely but he got fed up. She's hard work.

LolaSmiles · 23/04/2020 08:24

TimeForChange123
Weird is uncalled for.

Needy depends on the couple. It's about finding someone who speaks your love language. It's reasonable to consider neediness as a potential barrier, just as it is coldness or being more distant.

Being sloppy is also valid, with the caveat that everyone has different thresholds. I'm not into being immaculately groomed, but if I was dating a guy who couldn't be arsed to make an effort then his sloppiness wouldn't be a positive attribute.

Controlling is valid, but on MN it seems to be a one way issue.
On here some people excuse limiting your partner's hobbies because why should they have a hobby if you don't. I've known people who think the sign of trust in a relationship is that you check each other's phones and know each other's passwords. I've worked with people who sound utterly emotionally manipulative with their endless sulks safe in the knowledge that their boyfriend will now make it up to them. I'd say that is controlling behaviour. If a poster posted asking about her DP doing those things, she'd be told to LTB so I don't see why that sort of behaviour should be accepted from anyone.

It's not wrong to share reasons why someone might find dating isn't going well for them.

Couscousy · 23/04/2020 08:27

My wonderful friend is single and doesn't know why - I don't have the heart to tell her that her expectations are WAY too high and unrealistic. She can be a bit full on, too. But that's her, and I hope she'll meet someone who will appreciate her!

Bathbedandbeyond · 23/04/2020 08:31

My friend sees it as being assertive and having standards, but men will be seeing that she is confrontational and passive aggressive.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 23/04/2020 08:35

Shes too high maintenance.

Guys run a mile when she wants stuff done exactly as she likes it with no compromise.

greathat · 23/04/2020 09:43

My friend (who's very pretty) only ever picks very good looking men. Unfortunately they are always arseholes. I'd tell her to pick someone for their personality not their looks

Rojelio · 23/04/2020 11:01

At School you had me and another solid friend, but you always wanted to be in with the more cool people who clearly didn't really have time for you ... always chasing and putting up with bad treatment from these people... I would tell you they are arseholes fuck em off but you'd take no notice...
we don't speak as much these days , I know you are a lovely person and if you message me I'm always here for you but I imagine you are messaging 'mates' who don't really care all that much and I assume that this may be what you do with men also and why you are single.
nice guys will get ignored while you chase the ones not interested ... it's sad as I know it's a self confidence thing and if you just valued yourself more you'd probably see clearer the friends and men who value you... It's a shame.

sestras · 23/04/2020 11:11

Has ridiculously high expectations from a partner who can never live up to those expectations.

RainMustFall · 23/04/2020 11:14

Tiredoutteacher2020
Being single isn't a flipping affliction fgs. Why is the aim always to find a partner and those that don't are judged like on here. Being single is NORMAL. Being in a relationship is NORMAL. They're just different circumstances. What a stupid thread.

Wise words.

It may be an alien concept to some but there are people who choose to be single and live a happy and fulfilling life.

WaktiWapnasi · 23/04/2020 11:34

She has very low self esteem (and possibly a personality disorder) but is hung up on the "Prince Charming" model of a relationship and wants a man to sacrifice his whole life because he has fallen madly in love with her. This results in her picking men with complicated circumstances who inevitably won't move 300 miles, or kick their drug habit, or leave their marriage and kids or whatever insurmountable obstacle they have to overcome to be with her and prove their love etc and she is left "heartbroken".

I mean this kindly but she needs therapy and to stay single for a bit but she addicted to the drama.

chunkyrun · 23/04/2020 11:36

^
It may be an alien concept to some but there are people who choose to be single and live a happy and fulfilling life.^

Whole heartedly agree with you but I assumed this thread was aimed at single people who are actively looking.

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 23/04/2020 11:41

Because you pick unavailable, arsehole men.

They let you down, consistently. They think they are the most important person in the relationship.

And I think you're a bit of a snob. You think middle class signifiers are more important than whether someone is a good person.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 23/04/2020 11:50

Love51 "You don't want to put in the effort involved in having someone else in your life. But I think you know that."

I know this is true for me.

But it's also linked to the fact that rejection isn't very nice at any level; and I don't want to put myself out there for people to judge me and find me deficient, so I don't bother.

I'd rather be more or less content by myself than end up feeling wretched after x rejections (given I highly doubt Mr Right will be the first date I ever go on)

Langsdestiny · 23/04/2020 11:57

Yes but we might as well be listing capital cities of the world fir all the use this is to op.

Chewbecca · 23/04/2020 12:00

It is very easy to do the 'wrong' thing or to not meet a 'standard'. An example might be something like not making the 'right' level of effort on a birthday. There is little accomodation of different 'standards'. I guess the aim is to meet someone who has, largely, the same or higher standards and they will live happily ever after. It certainly narrows the pool though!

LolaSmiles · 23/04/2020 12:03

It may be an alien concept to some but there are people who choose to be single and live a happy and fulfilling life.
Very true, but the OP has asked presumably because they're not happy being single.
Yes but we might as well be listing capital cities of the world fir all the use this is to op.
Perhaps, but sometimes hearing other experiences can offer food for personal reflection.

x2boys · 23/04/2020 12:03

Very True @RainMustFall but reading 'the Op I assumed the poster is unhappy being single and wants advice as to why they are single ?

anothernotherone · 23/04/2020 12:14

Being single can be great. Lots of people are happier single. Single women have a longer life expectancy than married women.

However the OP is very clearly written from the point of view of someone who is single and has asked her friends for advice because she doesn't want to be. Most people have understood that and answered the OP's post in that spirit.

This appears to have gone way over the heads of all the "being single isn't an affliction" posters.

It's a short opening post, how on earth have so many people failed to read it properly?

binkyboinky · 23/04/2020 12:16

One friend: because you take yourself too seriously, are judgemental and negative. But you're a good person, just lighten up and have some fun for once!

Another friend: I don't know why you're single, you're a great friend, thoughtful and caring. Perhaps you just pick the wrong men? Some men think too highly of themselves, it's worth looking beyond looks and money and see a rough diamond that you may have overlooked before?

evilharpy · 23/04/2020 12:16

I don't know. She has wasted a good few years of her life on complete dickheads but there's been nobody for a few years now, and OLD was fairly disastrous. But she's so lovely and everyone likes her and she has many friends, male and female. I just think she's wonderful and deserves to be snapped up by someone equally wonderful so they can be very happy together. She would love to be in a proper relationship.

Unworthie · 23/04/2020 12:18

I'm single and have been for years and years. With the exception of flings, an fwb or two and a controlling narcissist relationship.

Many of these answers probably apply to me. They probably also apply to many of my attached friends too.

I don't seem to summon interest in men past friendship and sex. It's a fact. And ultimately unless I'm willing to sit at home all my life and have no male contact at all, which I'm not, I'm taking what's on offer in all honesty. Those are, and have been my choices for a long time. That probably looks from the outside like I'm choosing the wrong ones. I'm not, I'm taking what's available to me. In full knowledge of what it means.
Some people really don't attract others for long term relationships, other people just don't see it in them. If I change I won't be able to sustain that, the real me will emerge eventually. I am disposable to a lot of people, that's not me having low self esteem, that's a fact I've learned over the years.
It is what it is, spent years trying to be a person that other people want to be with. History, and the fact I'm still single proves it was a complete waste of time and effort.

MarieQueenofScots · 23/04/2020 12:19

I would hope all these opinions are about people who are actually looking for a partner, not just assumptions!

Reginabambina · 23/04/2020 12:20

You clearly don’t have time for men and so long as you are happy with that that’s ok. If you’re not I’m always happy to babysit. Oh, and you handy man clearly has a crush on you!

stellabelle · 23/04/2020 12:25

She has very strong opinions and won't back off in any situation. Especially when it comes to politics, she has extreme views and if a man appears to be not on the same page as her, writes them off as being fools. She can never see that it would help to compromise a bit !Men run for the hills when she starts expounding her beliefs.

WitsEnding · 23/04/2020 12:26

Friend: you drink way too much. You come over as desperate and are too fond of discussing waxing, menopause and other topics best not shared in mixed company.
I had another friend with exact same pattern but she sobered up for medical reasons, applied herself ruthlessly to OLD and now has a lovely long-term DP.

Me: no problems attracting men but generally go for the unsuitable or unavailable. Need to dump some FWB but can't decide whether/accept that I want more.