A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

Then again maybe she would just have a nice cup of tea instead.

...and a naice slice of cake. So much better than s-e-x. Sighing wantonly in anticipation she opened her store cupboard but was sadly crushed under the weight of falling boxes of teabags, sugar, long life milk and French Fancies. She just happened to have all this in, of course, no panic buying here, oh no. She wondered how long the ambulance would take to reach her in these troubled times, whilst mopping up the blood with one of her 472 loo rolls. She knew someone who knew someone who went to school with the sister of Boris' second cousin's cleaning lady. Hopefully having such a close connection - which she often hinted at on MN - would mean she would be helicoptered to a private clinic within the minute...

Maybe Prince William will have returned to Duty and he would be her saviour

And sock puppet on her thread 'aibu to think the paramedics owe me replacement loo roll because they damaged a few rolls when they rescued me' when all the mean bullies pile on to say yabu. Susan had important contacts, she would

sit and file her nails while pondering the fact that they would all probably be dead already so there’s no point spending three years on hold.
What colour will I paint my nails now, she asked the cat, who just shrugged and...

wished she took the owl up on his offer to go to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat rather than listening to Susan musings.

The cat pondered rebelling. On the one hand it knew as a good mumsnetters cat, it shouldn't leave the house unless it was essential. On the other hand, the neighbours weren't mumsnetters, so it could overcome its natural desire to shit 700 times a day on garden toys. Something the cat knew only occurred to mumsnetters, rather than in reality. But mostly it was a cat, so it decided to do as it pleased, leaving the house with

a pole over his shoulder, with a handkerchief attached, containing his modest belongings. He had some really nice new boots on and decided to make his way to London to look for

Prince Charles, and his amazing ability to procure covid testing. The cat knew if it could find the test kits that had eluded far more essential members of society, it could ensure the smooth running of the tinned salmon industry wasn't jeopardised in anyway. The cat was getting a bit fed up with Susan, she'd very recently taken up jogging, yoga and diy, which was rather annoying as he usually sat on her knee while she mumsnetted and watched daytime tv.

However the cat wasn't sure did the current restrictions apply to cats and Susan had finally given up on her hot yoga and was current passed out in on the sofa

The cat washed his bottom while pondering this. He would keep a safe social distance from those London cats, who no doubt all had the virus anyway, but were bound to chase him off and report him to the Purrlice when they realised he was not a local and had travelled further than was essential. Luckily at that moment he looked up from his wash and saw the mews. That entitled bounder Prince Charles wasn't actually in London! No, he had travelled to his second, third, fourth or whatever home in the Scottish Highlands!...

The cat didn't realise this immediately. His mind was blown by the fact he was not merely a ventriloquist, but could make his 'feed me' noise visibly appear. He pondered whether this made him a bonafide cartoon cat or a superhero.

Meanwhile Susan had woken up and remembered she was the mother of twins. She frantically looked around her for them. Her heart sank when she saw

...both out in the garden. One was bouncing on the trampoline and the other kicking a ball against the neighbours' fence. They were both screaming...

Football chants they'd learnt from relatives. 'Oh the shame' shrieked a horrified Susan, 'the neighbours might now think I'm working class, whatever can I do?'

There was nothing else for it. She adjusted her now somewhat crumpled Joules dress and hoped the neighbours would notice her loo roll bandages were in fact Waitrose Quilted, 3-ply. She crawled out through her new bi-fold doors on to the patio...

…crawled towards the twins, and just as she reached the edge of the patio slabs, she was horrified to see a human hand, pale and dirty, protruding from the adjoining flower-bed. “Can those workmen do nothing right?” she thought angrily. She struggled to sit upright and then…

a note from the builders pinned to the fence

…turned out to be a bill for “disposal of unwanted items”. Susan thought back to how they could have misunderstood her instructions. Surely they didn’t think…

that she meant them to take away her sunhouse with its Marigold window boxes.

She glanced around the garden and her eyes focussed on the food bin. On closer inspection she found her recently ordered Hermes parcel ( e bay order) sitting rotting on top of her maggot infested food waste

...what a highly pressured life she led. Others who did not have to manage a disposable income or organise six holidays a year, never mind run three homes, 3 cleaners and an au pair, really did not know just how very lucky they were...

They were living their lives and not just being an performer in their own life. Susan decided it was time to get her dicks in a row

Then she remembered that could get her into trouble on the feminism board. Susan was a proud feminist but still loved a