A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

…a ghostly apparition appeared. Oh no, it looked like, but no, it couldn’t be could it?

Criminy, it was, it was…

Terry Wogan complete with...

An autograph, and a frame around the ghostly photo. 'I believe this is yours' said the environmental health officer. Which was hard to deny with the autograph being personally addressed to her. Susan wasn't bothered about the possible fly tipping she'd committed, after all she only ever paid companies that dumped in fields and lanes where it didn't do any harm, not in naice urban roads where it might do real harm by lowering the tone and result in costly damage to house prices. But how would she live down the shame of the cheap plastic frame and evidence of her teenage crush? Luckily

The official turned out to be receptive to a bribe of Susan’s DH’s stash of high end whiskey, which he was extraordinarily boring and obsessed over. Two birds with one stone, thought Susan, as she packed up the Range Rover with the rest of the valuables.

She set off for Cornwall, forgetting she was over the drink drive limit until ...

she realised she'd forgotten to put on her tena lady with that she did an emergency stop and...

crawled into the back seat of the vehicle on the hard shoulder.

While she was having a short nap, her phone buzzed unnoticed.

Unbeknown to Susan, it was ...

Juan he'd realised that he had...

Not been paid since the start of lockdown.

Susan didn't actually care, so told him where he could find DH (in Northumberland with his parents and the twins).

Then she sped on down the road until she was flagged down by ...

a hitch hiker who looked like and had a remarkable similarity to ...

...Truncheon Tony, who was called that because...

He was a part time stripper who performed in a police outfit.

SUsan recognised him from ...

the local paper as there had been a story about Tony being an ex

Vicar who had been defrocked after the stripping came to light.

He had denied ...

Being defrocked and cited creative differences as the reason he left the clergy. The women's institute

..spending the wages of sin on drink, fags, drugs, gambling and girls, insisting that he had only ever intended to use it to do good work amongst the poor and disadvantaged in his parish. It was just that, after he had paid for spray tan, thongs and pvc there wasn't much money left over. Why, he had even had to ask a sympathetic member of the WI to sew the Velcro on his shirts, pants and trousers. It wasn't his fault she was a lonely, wealthy widow who got the wrong end of the stick. Why, he had only ever been trying to spread some of the Lord's love....

But as the archbishop had said, perhaps replacing the final Sunday hymn with his personal rendition of 'you can leave your cassock on' had been a bit too much for the most traditional worshippers. It was simply unfortunate timing that his invitation to 'ring my bell' and 'come and have a pull' had been issued slightly ahead of the church having a bell tower. The archbishop

Had told Tony to find pastures new, which he was in fact now seeking, he told Susan.

“I’m considering a career change to ...

a rock star I have a friend who has a friend who knows Sunitta who has got me an audition with Simon Cowell. And that's where Tony or now using his new stage name... Sullivan Silver...was on his way to.

As he arrived at Cowell Manor he was shown into a beautifully decorated room. The walls were adorned with photos of Simon.. just then the man himself walked into the room. He smiled and said....

You're shit, get out. Tony pleaded to do his act before Simon pronounced judgement, but to no avail. Luckily the canned booing and generic kindly panel judge arrived on cue so Simon could grudgingly allow him to perform. Tony got his electric tambourine, an instrument chosen because it seemed more fitting in light of his former career, and launched into

A round of My Old Man’s a Dustman, to a reggae beat. This really impressed Simon Cowell, who said “This is exactly the reason why we do this show. It’s to listen to people like you” before looking away from the mirror.

“It’s a No from me” he said without nothing more than an automated shoulder shrug.

Tony walked dejectedly towards the door. As he approached, it swung open. Surprisingly he did not see Ant nor Dec showing him the long walk out to the car park. There we’re no production staff waiting in the corridors, no token research assistant with clipboard and padded headphones and microphone.

No. Tony noticed all this nothingness for a split second before registering the most magnificent lion, teeth bared backwards, lips curled, snarling as it hurtled towards him, in almost suspended animation.

In a split second, he.....

Whisked off his top and used it as a lasso to capture the animal.

Returning to the car where Susan was waiting, he was surprised to hear her say,

Or rather sing, again in a reggae beat

“I’m iron, like a lion, in Zion”

The lion soon cut her off. 'I wouldn't bother if I were you. I was a star of the big screen, musicals, Disney merchandise and all the rest, I was royalty. Yet he took all my share of the earnings and uses me to guard his studios. Hell, even some of the extras playing stampeding buffalo got parts in the David Attenborough soap, but I was left as a one hit wonder. You've got no chance love'.
Susan, temporarily startled out of her middle class persona

Said “ee by gum, ‘eck as like” without thinking. Her Northern working class roots coming to the fore surprised her and she covered her mouth in horror. Just as well because...

The room filled with a mysterious yet toxic gas. Tony and the lion passed out, and Susan made a run for it, with a few souvenirs from the mansion tucked into her underwear, namely ...