A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

...she had the terrifying image of her naice home ruined by such a 'person', who would surely immediately install the horrors of a lavatory brush and a feature wall with a giant television fixed above Susan's tasteful reclaimed fireplace. Oh the shame. Christmas lights would be up on her gutters all year round. Susan knew that she had to act fast. Why, the preservation of her Farrow and Ball palette was depending upon her...

Sabotaging the sale.

She wondered how she could do that. After her third fin of the day a brilliant idea came to her. All she needed was ...

To let the would be intruder know there wasn't a deep fat fryer in the kitchen, and no cheap greasy takeaways nearby. That would keep her grubby chipped nails away from Sudan's 'decomposing mushrooms' and 'rotting tuna' f&b decor.

Just to be on the safe side, she could always start a faux innocent question thread about single parent benefits and how someone got enough of them to buy a house in London. Safe in the knowledge she'd receive enough support from posters equally well informed and rational, she could then do her civic duty and report the woman for benefit fraud. The only spanner in the works

was the estate agent, who might tip off DH.

A fourth gin meant Susan was starting to feel a bit woozy, and she wanted to lie down. But as all the furniture had disappeared, she was forced to ...

mount the hammock in the garden to sleep off the affects. As she entered the garden the handyman Juan was chopping wood. As their eyes met Susan ....

said “oh I see you’ve got wood”....

As she approached him in a drunken near-stupor, Juan backed away terrified, yelping "This is not two metres, Mrs Susan!"

He fended her off with ..

a handy fish slice and a cucumber....

...but Susan had not endured standing at the back of the 'community hall' for umpteen years during the twins twice weekly martial arts classes for nothing. With a move surely of Olympic Standards, she disarmed Juan, who was temporarily blinded by a combination of the sun hitting Susan's weathergirl pearly whites and the sanitising hand gel level of craft gin on her breath. As she grappled with Juan's cucumber, Susan multi-tasked, realising she could use it to make a dip later. Alongside a chicken, it could feed her family for several weeks. As she reflected on the generous size of Juan's cucumber...

she wondered if it was actually a courgette or even a marrow, which might be more useful for ..

....dinner. A brief but extremely fond memory of their flotilla holiday in the Med, and the young Turkish chef who could do such fascinating things with an aubergine, flashed across her mind. But she was jolted back to reality when suddenly Juan....

came to. He was bleeding on the head due to the fish slice, and started to scream when he saw her still standing there.

"Please go away!" he begged, "I ...

"Really don't want to view your Marilyn Monroe pose from this angle. Again"
Susan burst into tears, she was of course highly sensitive where her own feelings were concerned, and thought it incredibly unfeeling for Juan to suggest a flash of her floral kidney warmers with discrete support panel was not his fantasy. Raising the marrow above her salon styled hair she

Started a thread: “AIBU to seduce the gardener?” The replies were as predicted...

"It depends, if you are both single and both fancy a bit of..."

493 posters replied that sex for pleasure was banned under lockdown rules because it went against the principle of misery and panic. 252 said they were bleaching and quarantining even live in partners before sex. Several pointed out it wasn't on because not only was she married, but Juan wasn't interested. They were of course shouted down by those keen to suggest that nobody was acknowledging the hardships of lockdown for mc sahms with large homes and gardens, and Susan deserved a break. 3 vegan posters berated Susan for wanting to get her hands on a sausage, and 12 more blamed a lack of willing Juans on leave voters. Despite posting in aibu, Susan knew the only replies worth listening to were those that agreed with her, but as she turned away from her phone and advanced on Juan

She noticed he was wearing a...

badge which shocked her to her very core (but also explained a lot) it said...

"Proud Vegan!"

Susan had no truck with any food choices or issues other than her own and those of her DC. When a vegetarian friend came to dinner, they were forced to eat the side veg only, and no pudding as Susan rather liked using gelatine.

For some reason the vegetarian friends tended to drop off rather, Susan didn't know why.

But vegans she thought were

were the work of the devil. Juan took the opportunity to make a run for it out the side gate and ran straight into

...the old lady from number 43, who was bowled over by the beefy Juan. However, Sue didn't feel much sympathy for the old biddy, who was notorious for not promptly bringing round parcels left with her, didn't keep her front garden tidy and had a yappy dog, and as to how her visitors parked their cars, well Sue was often left shaking at their effrontery. So Sue didn't rush to help the old dear, but instead....

Decided to use the opportunity to sneak into her neighbours garden and rescue the footballs the twins had kicked over the fence.

She got a shock when she walked in and saw

half the furniture from her lovely home stacked in the old lady's shed! So that was where DH had put it.

Susan immediately rang up ...

Juan to keep the old lady busy by lecturing her on the virtues of vegan while she arranged for the teens across the road to sneak them out. She could offer them

A recital by the musically gifted twins. Susan knew they were gifted because she posted about it frequently. So talented in fact that grade 8 as toddlers had been the work of an offhand sentence, not the years much older, but clearly less talented dc seemed to study for to reach that level. Taking the promise as a threat, the teens were willing to do anything as long as they never had to endure that violin again. As Susan directed movements with Cordelia's clarinet, the door was thrown open and